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Elder Abuse and ending a friendship

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Twoapenny:
Hi Ales,

I did reply the other day but it seems to have vanished!  Am only echoing other comments, though, for some reason a lot of people think it's okay to put up with abuse from parents and other family members that no-one would think you should take from a partner.  I don't know why that is but it seems to be quite common.  I think a lot of people have trouble understanding how toxic a parent/adult child relationship can be if they aren't in one themselves?  Or even sometimes because they are in one but don't/can't recognise it?  We need supportive friends, don't we, especially when it comes to these very difficult situations in our lives.

lighter:

For me, talking to people about the PD struggle includes my speaking with only those who have the ability to understand it.  The people who don't get it just don't get it. It's a waste of our time, and sometimes sanity, to try to convince those who don't get it. 
Lighter

Ales2:
Hi Two - Yes, you are right about people that dont understand the toxic dynamic. This friend is in major denial though. Her father sexually abused both her and her sister. She makes well into six figures and lives in a rental her parents own across from their family home.  If she had not realized that my NMother w
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as toxic before, making false felony accusations might have been changed her view, but it has not.

Hi Lighter - I discovered that a long time ago, people with no experience with PD people just dont get it.  You are totally correct with your observation.  In this one, she was a close friend, but over time its become harder to be friends with her on a deeper level because she is fixated on forgiveness in has negated, minimized and invalidated my experience.   

Thanks all for your comments.

JustKathy:
Hi Ales,

I would have to agree that you need to let this friend go. As others have said, people who haven't lived it really don't get how toxic N-parents can be. Still, a true friend would listen to you and believe you. I've had this happen before, and it's very very hard to deal with. Those of us with N-mothers have a lifelong struggle of not being believed, so whenever someone doubts us, is like pouring salt on our wounds. What your mother has done to you is so incredibly evil, having someone pressure you to forgive is just wrong. I understand how hard this must be since this is a close friend, but the last thing you need is to have someone attempting to invalidate such a serious situation.

What you said about your friend being "fixated on forgiveness" was something that completely terminated my relationship with my brother (the golden child) and his wife. In textbook form, my brother married someone just like his mother (a raging N), and N-Mother quickly learned how to manipulate her and use her against me. Shortly after I went NC with my mother, I got a lengthy email from my SIL, defending my mother. It included the sentence: "We only get one set of parents in life, and no matter what you think they did wrong in your childhood, part of being an adult is letting those things go and accepting your parents as they are." Long story short, that email was the last communication I ever had with my brother and SIL. For me, "part of being an adult" is having nightmares in my 50s about things that were done to me in my teens. I never even considered trying to defend myself to my SIL. Daughters of Ns are the victims of pure evil. It's hard enough to live day-to-day with that pain, let alone people who try to marginalize our experiences. Be it a friend, therapist, relative, whatever ... I remove them from my life. I have to.

K

Ales2:
Thank you Kathy.  Sad to see your SIL sided with the NMother, its awful. Removing them from life is the only way.

Ive heard some horror stories now about adult children and N Parents that have really made me very aware of the malicious people out there.

Awful stuff.  People are so cruel to the people they care about and yet, the people who live in a more civilized world cant understand why we don't have world peace/harmony and cooperation in society. It starts at home and negating someones experience only perpetuates the cruelty.

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