Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
And breath :)
Okay, firstly, sorry for freaking out completely and secondly thank you for your lovely replies, and for being there, and for not minding me freaking out :)
I have calmed down now; I'm still tearful and veering between angry, hopeful, devastated and dancing round the kitchen but I'm alright and don't have the awful 'lead in the limbs and no control of my thoughts' feeling that I had over the weekend.
It did make me realise that my 'breakdown' thirteen or so years ago was really just about everything being too much rather than being mentally ill. I don't know why that matters to me but it did make me feel better, for some reason?
I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do. Why did I do that? It's like I want to keep hurting myself.
So - practical head on (because that's how I cope - at least some of the time!).
Although it's looking highly likely that he has this condition it's not confirmed yet so still a chance there's been a mix up.
If he does have it there are people who do okay on meds so it might not be a complete disaster.
I am upset that our plans for college are on hold now (I don't feel I want to do anything about that until all these tests have been done as the outcome of these might change the sort of college he goes to as his medical needs might be higher). But it's on hold rather than cancelled so will still happen at some point.
It is looking possible for us to get subsidised housing which will help a lot. I don't know what the housing situation is in the States but over here housing in this part of the country is ridiculously expensive and very difficult to rent when you aren't employed. Local authority housing is much cheaper, better maintained and you don't have the same barriers if you're not working so we might get lucky, which would be good.
We're attending two different hospitals and neither one is being very helpful at the moment. Their letters don't mirror the things they've told me and I seem to be constantly chasing people up, which is very stressful and time consuming. I am going to get some advice on what actually needs to happen next as they seem to be working to two different goals, and then sort out who is doing what and get it all confirmed in writing.
There is a support group; it's very small because the condition is so unusual! But they have a Facebook group so I have spoken to some of them online and will put together a list of questions that I'm trying to get my head around.
I am beyond exhausted - I have just had too much to cope with for too long now. So I'm waiting to hear back from the hospital as to whether my son has any tests over the next few weeks and if he doesn't I'm going to ask that lady if we can borrow her holiday home and go away for a fortnight. I'm miserable in this house and the only way I can take my mind off it is to keep myself constantly busy, which is why I feel so tired all the time. So if we can get away for a bit we will.
I am very, very supportive of my online friends and really do appreciate you being here. But I really, really need some good people in 3D as well. I've been alone for so long, and so very alone for so long. I really want that to change. I have made a plan of things to do this week that involve some group/community activities, and we're going to the cafe I mentioned where the nice lady works. I'm seeing a good 3D friend on Wednesday and hoping to meet up with another one nearer the end of the week. Trying to balance being busy with not wearing myself out.
Thank you very, very much for being there. I'm okay again now. Scared me a bit but I'm okay and will post more news when I have it and when I don't feel so shattered! Thank you xxxx
JustKathy:
Hi Tup,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. I really get what you're saying about the need for healthy 3D relationships. The Internet has been a blessing for me because it's made places like this board available, and the online support has helped me immeasurably. But there's still no substitute for a real person to hold your hand, or hug you, or just be there for you.
Like you, I've also struggled with healthy friendships. Is that something that affects all children of N-Mothers? Interesting that this comes up in a thread about self-worth, because I think that's been a huge road block for me in finding true friendship. I'm similar to you in that I wait for friends to come to me, rather than proactively seeking them out, and I do believe that's because I've never had any self-worth. I grew up being told that no one liked me, so I've always felt unworthy of friendship. I've always had friends at the office, but whenever I changed jobs, those friendships fell by the wayside. No lifelong best friends.
I don't know how to fix that, not just me, but you, or anyone who was raised by an N-mother and lacks the self-esteem, and probably the social skills, to get out there and meet people who really like you for being YOU. I think that, as daughters of Ns, we've been taught to settle. We aren't worthy, so if someone shows an interest, we should be grateful and just take it, whether it be a romantic interest or a friendship. I've definitely settled for whatever came along in the men department, and have probably done that with friends as well. Then it ends up like you describe, with the "friend" going on about themselves, and tacking on a "Hope you're okay" at the end, when what we really need is a freaking hug.
I don't mean to turn this into a post about me. I'm saying this because I do think it's something we all struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong. For the people posting in this group, do any of you have really meaningful friendships in which you really feel loved and cared about? Or are we all doomed to having good relationships with only our therapists, who are, in a sense, paid friends. I'm babbling, but also having a day where I'm feeling so terribly alone, and when I feel alone, I come here.
Anyway, Tup, I wish I could give you a hug right now. Bad enough to get this news about your son, but knowing what you've been through with your NM, I sure hope that there's no interference from her. It sounds like so far so good, so hoping that's the case. The support group sounds encouraging, even if it's small. Actually, small might be better and allow you to bond with the others.
Okay, I'm probably not even making sense at this point. Sending all my best from across the pond. Well, why didn't they give us a heart smiley? Old fashioned one ... <3
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do. Why did I do that? It's like I want to keep hurting myself.
--- End quote ---
Tupps, sweetie...
even when a relationship is bad for us... it's what we know and are used to; it's our "normal". And like it or not, because our primary caregivers were Ns... we tend to return again & again, to that familiar type of connection -- even long after we know it sucks to be us, in those relationships. So, your friends say they care... but don't act like it? This is one reason, I don't have a lot of friends in 3D. I literally don't trust people and - while it's probably wrong - I simply won't take the risk of disappointment or being hurt. For me, the actions speak louder than words -- it's the main lesson from living with abusive/N parents, isn't it?
And I have a big hole, where all the mothering experiences I needed, was left (mostly) unfilled. That longing for just a hug; someone who automatically KNOWS just what you need; and the feeling that there is someone who's got your back... yes, the people here in this group are really "adopted" moms for each other. That's maybe a clue, that we should be looking for those kinds of attributes in our 3-D friends. And friends change over time, too. My oldest, dearest girlfriend from 13 yrs old on... we certainly did mother each other. And we can still connect after all these years - just not as well, because of life stuff; we went in different directions and paths. We kind of allowed each other to change. (You'll figure this out from where you are now, I think.)
The other stuff - the life stuff that absolutely NONE of us control - can indeed pull the rug out from under you, and yes... if you're a sane person, you're going to react in ways that aren't always cool, calm & collected. I think those moments are necessary - expressing those in "not so perfect" ways and just plain old getting it completely out of your system. All the emotions, half-baked crazy-thoughts, feeling like you're in the midst of a tornado. Just spew it all out. Way better, I think, than trying to pretend you can control this kind of thing, have it all together, all the time, and that you are just going to continue plodding along the same old path -- without adjusting to the conditions around you.
Naw, little Tupp isn't going to WANT to adjust and may very well have a bit of a tantrum about it. Hollaring "it's not fair". Well, no. It's NOT FAIR. But it is life. And we have to go through it, make the best we can out of it, and figure things out.
Plan B, needs a plan C... just in case you find out life in Plan B, has some unexpected stuff you couldn't foresee. And there is ALWAYS unexpected stuff.
(((((((((Tupps))))))))))
I have just gone through a whole YEAR of this, come Friday. We let go what we can let go, we hang onto all the things we care about, and we make "do" with what we're faced with and what we've got to work with.
lighter:
((((Tupp))))
You distinguished between "having a break down" bc of crazy making circumstances not created by you, and being "mentally ill"..... THAT's HUGE, IMO.
You aren't broken, or defective, or "the cause" of your response to your family's dysfunction/original abuse/ongoing abuse through the years IMO.
So glad you contacted the support group, and continue identifying unhealthy relationships and replacing them with healthier ones.
Having 3 D friends helps us stay level and grounded...... you're an amazing human being to navigate all you've been through.
It's exciting to see you give responsibility back to the IT's for their actions, and identify your coping strategies to what they've done TO you.
((((Tupp and Son))))
I'm sending you prayers, and calming white light.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: JustKathy on September 19, 2016, 05:15:33 PM ---Hi Tup,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. I really get what you're saying about the need for healthy 3D relationships. The Internet has been a blessing for me because it's made places like this board available, and the online support has helped me immeasurably. But there's still no substitute for a real person to hold your hand, or hug you, or just be there for you.
Like you, I've also struggled with healthy friendships. Is that something that affects all children of N-Mothers? Interesting that this comes up in a thread about self-worth, because I think that's been a huge road block for me in finding true friendship. I'm similar to you in that I wait for friends to come to me, rather than proactively seeking them out, and I do believe that's because I've never had any self-worth. I grew up being told that no one liked me, so I've always felt unworthy of friendship. I've always had friends at the office, but whenever I changed jobs, those friendships fell by the wayside. No lifelong best friends.
I don't know how to fix that, not just me, but you, or anyone who was raised by an N-mother and lacks the self-esteem, and probably the social skills, to get out there and meet people who really like you for being YOU. I think that, as daughters of Ns, we've been taught to settle. We aren't worthy, so if someone shows an interest, we should be grateful and just take it, whether it be a romantic interest or a friendship. I've definitely settled for whatever came along in the men department, and have probably done that with friends as well. Then it ends up like you describe, with the "friend" going on about themselves, and tacking on a "Hope you're okay" at the end, when what we really need is a freaking hug.
I don't mean to turn this into a post about me. I'm saying this because I do think it's something we all struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong. For the people posting in this group, do any of you have really meaningful friendships in which you really feel loved and cared about? Or are we all doomed to having good relationships with only our therapists, who are, in a sense, paid friends. I'm babbling, but also having a day where I'm feeling so terribly alone, and when I feel alone, I come here.
Anyway, Tup, I wish I could give you a hug right now. Bad enough to get this news about your son, but knowing what you've been through with your NM, I sure hope that there's no interference from her. It sounds like so far so good, so hoping that's the case. The support group sounds encouraging, even if it's small. Actually, small might be better and allow you to bond with the others.
Okay, I'm probably not even making sense at this point. Sending all my best from across the pond. Well, why didn't they give us a heart smiley? Old fashioned one ... <3
--- End quote ---
All makes sense to me, Kathy, although I'm sorry you go through the same. The upbringing definitely has something to do with it, I feel, but I've got to a point now where I can't be bothered with it all anymore. I feel angry that, once again, I'm in a very real crisis that no-one's noticing or making any effort to help me with.
I'm not someone that needs a lot of help. If I constantly lurched from one drama to another and was always asking for babysitting, money, help around the house and so on then I could understand people getting tired of it. But all I want from a friendship is conversation that I don't have to initiate each time, someone popping round for a coffee every now and again instead of waiting for me to go to them and, in times of crisis, someone picking the phone up and saying "It's alright, mate, I've got your back". Instead of which if I want to see a human being then I have to drag my ill son to them because they can't be arsed to come to me, I've friends who I ring for a chat and after an hour I hang up without having had a chance to speak and people whose response to being told my son might be dying is to start talking about themselves again. I think perhaps the time has come not to bother anymore.
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