Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
sKePTiKal:
Tupps, it sounds like you've found a good way to balance everything out right now. Don't be afraid to change your system or the mix of things, as your situation changes; and keep an opening somewhere for the genuinely good folk to just pop in from time to time.
Take things one moment at a time and be present in each moment, as best you can.
Hopalong:
I am so with you Tupp, on the emptiness I feel when someone texts me. I also grieve the sound of a friendly voice, the laughter, the overlaps as we talk, the stumbles and recoveries and the natural human exchange of voice and ear. ESPECIALLY in hard times.
I think to myself, they are holding a phone. Could they please hit "call" instead of holding me at arms' length by texting? This article was very helpful to me and hope it'll connect for you (makes you see you are NOT alone in that social frustration):
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_next_20/2016/09/what_s_lost_when_telephone_calls_disappear.html
And this indicates a different reality, which makes me think that my expectations may be tripping me up. If I'm lonely it may be something about how I communicate, that leads to others (basically nice people but not PHamily-friends) choosing text over calls. Hmmm.
I kind of think both scenarios are true.
I know that it's very hard, when you are in desperate straits, not to feel abandoned...and not to judge everybody because of your pain. That is so human.
(Don't give up on people but please do try a 3-D support group, or more than one...)
Love and comfort,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on September 23, 2016, 05:12:47 PM ---I am so with you Tupp, on the emptiness I feel when someone texts me. I also grieve the sound of a friendly voice, the laughter, the overlaps as we talk, the stumbles and recoveries and the natural human exchange of voice and ear. ESPECIALLY in hard times.
I think to myself, they are holding a phone. Could they please hit "call" instead of holding me at arms' length by texting? This article was very helpful to me and hope it'll connect for you (makes you see you are NOT alone in that social frustration):
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_next_20/2016/09/what_s_lost_when_telephone_calls_disappear.html
And this indicates a different reality, which makes me think that my expectations may be tripping me up. If I'm lonely it may be something about how I communicate, that leads to others (basically nice people but not PHamily-friends) choosing text over calls. Hmmm.
I kind of think both scenarios are true.
I know that it's very hard, when you are in desperate straits, not to feel abandoned...and not to judge everybody because of your pain. That is so human.
(Don't give up on people but please do try a 3-D support group, or more than one...)
Love and comfort,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hops.
I think for me it's whether texting is the only form of communication I have with that person. I have a friend who lives about a forty five minutes away and we see each other about once a month. We have a good, face to face catch up then and keep in touch in between by text. I don't have a problem with that at all. Similarly I have another friend an hour away, we probably talk on the phone once a month, see each other three or four times a year and keep in touch via text in between that. Again, it's not a problem for me.
But I think I'm at that stage where I am evaluating relationships and looking at friends who I rarely, if ever speak to on the phone (because they're always too busy), rarely see (because they live too far away) and thinking, if the odd text is the only contact we have, what is the point? This person is no longer a friend. And particularly when they hear terrible news, to not pick the phone up? This person is no longer the sort of person I want to be friends with.
I am starting to realise that I need depth in people. I like being around people who think, who have time for others and who can put themselves in someone else's shoes and not have to arrange the whole world to suit their purpose the whole time. I like people who consider what they're doing instead of mindlessly doing what everyone else is doing and people who notice what's going on around them. I know people who I used to consider friends who now haven't heard from me in three or four years. Have any of them noticed? I can only assume that either they haven't, or they have but aren't interested anyway. And I don't want to fill my time up with people like that anymore. I've been thinking more and more about my son and realising that, if this diagnosis does turn out to be bad, there are people I don't want to tell because I know their reaction will annoy or upset me. I feel obliged to tell them, but I don't want to. And I'm just wondering how I've managed to surround myself with so many people that I don't actually want to be around?
We had a nice walk in the sunshine yesterday morning. We went to a cafe we know and chatted with the people at the next table. The waitress in the cafe is lovely and always makes an effort to talk to my son about whichever book he's reading at the time. We popped in to the grocers and the lady on the till was lovely. Then we came home and I spent the afternoon reading while my son watched a film. I did us both a nice meal, the heavy shopping was delivered and the delivery man was very sweet and polite. It was all in all a very nice day with lots of nice people in it and I realised as I went to bed it was nice because I wasn't upset or disappointed by someone who knows me making it clear they don't have time for me. I didn't try and contact anyone and no-one contacted me and it was nice. I'm going to keep trying this method for a while and see how things go :)
sKePTiKal:
Tupps, I've been struggling with this for a long time - this friends thing. And the back & forth between do I really LIKE this person... and do they really LIKE me... or are they just being cocktail party or professional polite? What about me? Am I that way too and would I rather just go cocoon myself in my fuzzy pants & slippers in front of a movie or read a book?
I keep revisiting that decision-point you're talking about - is there anything "nutritious" in your connection with a person? and if not, why bother? why not just go about your business and not let yourself fall into the mental trap, of thinking you need to fill all your time/space with people... just to say you did?
And I do notice, like Hops said, that when there IS something mutually nutritious about a relationship or even simply people working together or occupying the same moment of life... there really is something special on a subconscious, instinctive level. Maybe my anxiety lessens, or I relax, or simply do the f2f human dance...
there's something to that, that is more satisfying than being able to marshall and master the words on the screen to express oneself, explain, and communicate.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on September 24, 2016, 08:02:05 AM ---Tupps, I've been struggling with this for a long time - this friends thing. And the back & forth between do I really LIKE this person... and do they really LIKE me... or are they just being cocktail party or professional polite? What about me? Am I that way too and would I rather just go cocoon myself in my fuzzy pants & slippers in front of a movie or read a book?
I keep revisiting that decision-point you're talking about - is there anything "nutritious" in your connection with a person? and if not, why bother? why not just go about your business and not let yourself fall into the mental trap, of thinking you need to fill all your time/space with people... just to say you did?
And I do notice, like Hops said, that when there IS something mutually nutritious about a relationship or even simply people working together or occupying the same moment of life... there really is something special on a subconscious, instinctive level. Maybe my anxiety lessens, or I relax, or simply do the f2f human dance...
there's something to that, that is more satisfying than being able to marshall and master the words on the screen to express oneself, explain, and communicate.
--- End quote ---
There's definitely something on a subconscious level, I think, and I'm noticing it more and more and maybe that's why I am much keener on 'proper' talking than texting, because you need that 3D effect to make it a more fulfilling experience, perhaps?
I've just had a really nice chat with a friend on the phone. I mentioned her in an earlier post - she lives about an hour away, we catch up on the phone once a month or so, see each other a few times a year and it's just comfortable. I feel comfortable with her, she's relaxed, she likes a laugh but equally has a very level view of the world and can have a good deep and meaningful convo as well. She's thoughtful but what I really like about her is that she has a way of talking that is just quite balanced and doesn't provoke a response? I told her the news about my son; she's reacted calmly, saying (I'm paraphrasing here but just to give the gist), I know this is tough but you're a good mum, you'll help him through this, a lot of other parents would never have coped up until now but you've kept going and you're the best person to be his mum. She just has that good balance of speaking; she's not patronising or anxious to change the subject quickly, she just says something that's both soothing and meaningful and I really like that. I feel good after I've spoken to her, I don't come off the phone feeling anxious or worn out or cross about something that's been said, or wishing I hadn't bothered to make the call. She's like a really good well balanced meal that fills you up without making you feel bloated :) I'm not sure whether she'd take that as a compliment, lol, but you know what I mean :) So perhaps I need to just focus on how the person makes me feel, intentionally or otherwise? I think focusing on me rather than them is the bit I struggle with.
Will try and do more activity related stuff with people; there are couple of things going on locally over the next couple of weeks so I'm going to go along and try them out and see how it goes :)
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