Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
Just to update -
I've had a really funny few days. Have felt really panicky, exhausted, very bad tempered and judgemental. Did my usual bizarre thing of reaching out to men from my past because I suddenly felt desperate for a boyfriend (damn Facebook!). And then spent too much time looking at other people's wonderful profiles and comparing my life to theirs, always a recipe for disaster.
Realised this morning that although I really want to move I am also really frightened. Partly, I think, because moving usually triggers my mum so practically she can cause problems. Partly because moaning about your situation is at least safe and I can blame my empty life on where I live and moving will mean (a) I'll be in the same boat because the problem is with me, not with the house or, even more frightening (b) I might actually be happy?! Anyway, it was one of those moments when I realised how I felt and once I'd realised it it seemed really obvious. Had a bit of a cry, cuddled the cat (who always comes to me when I cry, even if she's in a different room she seems to know and comes in to give me a cuddle - isn't that funny?) and then we've been out for the day so feel fine now - much more positive and with it and feeling quite refreshed now.
Still haven't got a definite date but I'm packing, clearing and cleaning and it's all going well so still hoping it will be sooner rather than later :)
lighter:
((((Giving Tupp another cuddle))))
It's always a mistake to compare lives with other people, IME.
If you can just nip it in the bud, before the comparisons start, things get better, IMO.
I try to remember not to do it to myself.......
try to tell myself "it's just a story" and move on with my day.
It does help......
to just not go there, IME.
About the crying...... it's right and good and exactly how it needs to be when the tears come, IMO.
If tears want out, they need out, ((Tupp)).
I'm glad you have a lovely kitty in your life. Many kitties are all ME ME ME, kwim?
Keep us updated on the move, and don't spend too much time worrying about your family.
Just do what you can, and know that's all you can do.
Light
sKePTiKal:
Tupp, it's true - the tears can't be denied without causing emotional side-effects. Giving in, seems to always lower my anxiety levels and clear the tangles in my head too. Sometimes, a person is just TIRED... especially if we're a tad "driven" to get to the light that seems to always be at the end of some tunnel.
Being able to give in to the tears, means you stay more "human" in the process. Moving is HARD - and it's a multi-level kind of experience. There's utilities, the packing (the purging), the coordinating, physical exertion, puzzling out how to do things on your own -- and being able to see when to call in extra hands.
I have that same recurring idea that moving somewhere else will provide new opportunities & challenges that will let me change a few resistent things about myself. I know, intellectually, it's not true... so I think it's some sort of emotional wish instead. Or fantasy. There is only so much that can be done, with what I'm starting with as "material" to be anything, you know? But maybe it would be a good idea to make a great big note to self... to postpone letting this spend any time in my brain until I am completely moved, and then take as much time as needed to give it the attention it deserves.
Meanwhile - it's really important that you are able to recognize that you've worked so hard at the process, that you're getting tired... and you need a "me" break. That is the hardest thing for me, since I DO have a deadline... and every day... the obstacles/challenges change around here. I'm trying to push myself now - not beyond exhaustion; mini-breaks allowed when I get to milestones, like a whole room done - so I can rest before heading up the road.
Today's business aspect of moving - making the appt to get phone-tv-internet, or at least find out what's available... and LOTS more packing.
Twoapenny:
Cuddles are always appreciated, Lighter, thank you :)
The comparing myself to others is almost like self harm, I think. I know I shouldn't do it, I know it will only make me feel bad and I do avoid it most of the time but it is one of those things I tend to do when things get tough. Wanting to be rescued, I suppose, along with confirming to myself that I am a failure. Not a good mind set and one that I am working to avoid getting into too often.
The cat is funny, she thinks she's a dog! Pets are a huge comfort, I can understand why people end up with dozens of them. She is cute and cuddly when it matters; other times she's very aloof and standoffish but she seems to sense when I need comfort and gives it to me, bless her.
Skep you are right about needing me time and yes, crying does let things out, it's another thing I know is okay but still feel guilty when I do it. Shaming from childhood again; my mum used to get cross if I cried and always had something more important to do. Comfort was usually a bar of chocolate shoved in my face. There was no space to talk about it. When I cried for my dad she said he'd be in pain if he was still alive and I felt guilty for wanting him there. She never learnt to deal with it herself and so couldn't help me. Hopefully I've not passed it on to my son! I hope you got your internet and phone sorted!
Anyway - to update further - things are going much better now :) We collect the keys in a week's time and will move in officially three days after that, although will start moving things in over that weekend anyway. I didn't actually see the inside of the flat until last week and I knew I would take it anyway because of where it is and just because it means I can be away from here, but I had assumed it would be quite small and poky and would need a lot of TLC to make it nice. I couldn't have been more wrong! It's a beautiful flat, very spacious and airy, incredibly light and lovely views from each window. It's not overlooked (first floor flat) and it's on a no through road so I will have privacy, which I haven't had living here as we're on a main path and everyone walks past my house to get where they need to go. My parents won't be able to do drive bys or pump my nosy neighbours for information about us :) It has a beautiful garden, very big and it backs on to woodland and is surrounded by trees and bushes so again, very private. There's a paved area and the previous tenants have left behind an iron garden table and a fire pit. There are two sheds; I didn't have a chance to investigate properly but from a quick look I think one can be storage and the other can be a den for my boy :) There's enough room for a disability swing and an existing swing frame already in place which has been checked and is safe and secure so I only need to buy the swing itself.
My son is happy about the move; he was apprehensive as he wasn't really sure what it would all involve but now that we've seen it and he knows there's enough space for his toys and a cat flap for the cat to get in and out he's happy. He loves the garden, is excited about the swing and thinks living near a railway line is great (he loves it when they close the gates because there's a train coming).
The removals are booked; I've had several offers of help with moving and a friend came down during the week and did an amazing job cleaning the kitchen with me; we packed pretty much everything and scrubbed it from top to bottom so it was a lot of work and so much easier when there are two of you. So all in all things are going well; I am tired but the tired you get from doing something you want to do is so different to the tired you get when you're coping with loads of unpleasant emotional stuff or difficult situations. It's a good tired, although I am looking forward to actually being in there and being able to slow down the pace a bit.
So good news all round at the moment. Thank you so much for all of the support, as always, I really do appreciate it :) Will keep you posted :)
lighter:
Ahhhhhh, TUPP!
I'm so happy for you and your son.
A fire pit!
A garden!
PRIVACY.... I'm losing my mind at the lovely surprises.... unexpected and, honest to God.... so deserved.
Please continue allowing help from friends giving you more time to explore your new place, and enjoy the fleeting fall weather before it's gone.
Don't postpone joy, Tupp. Embrace it, and maybe make an actual list of things you want to experience..... maybe play happy music CCR? and spin on the back porch with your son..... my oldest dd lights up when she sees me embracing joy. OH... FAIRY LIGHTS! YES.
We have to make time,a nd take time to DO that, IME.
And..... a kitty door....... YES YES YES.
Let fall bulbs get planted, and soil amendments be added, and swings be installed.
Put joy on your calendar Tupp.
Let the deeper healing begin...
it's your time.
Lighter
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