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What gives you your sense of self worth

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sKePTiKal:
Just reflecting on this topic some more... not sure it would really help anyone but me, to sort out the tangle in my head about it... but I'm studying the mechanics of how this works in myself...

the friend who told me it sounded like I needed validation - confirmation of my own wants, ideas, value, etc - is an "expert" in some things, admittedly hopeless in others. But he is one of those guys who either by luck, discipline or training are "usually right" when they make a pronouncement. And he is an amazing parent to his adopted children (who have backgrounds that would put them all inside our Amazon fire ring.

I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".

When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)

Then, I ran across an essay talking about the necessity of military leaders to be able to make a decision in a critical life/death situation - and recognizing that they were at a decision point in the first place. (Yeah, yeah Hops... I have no idea why I think in military terms, maybe a past life?? LOL.) There were some really useful ideas in there, that go directly to the issue of "trusting one's self", having confidence in your own judgement, and how one makes decisions. Let's face it - we've all had our expressions of those aspects of our healthy selves squashed, stepped on, and even humiliated and that's a psyche/heart wound that needs a specific remedy to heal.

One thing the author talks about is "chasing the unicorn" -- delaying making a decision, until you've exhausted all possible sources of research and information. In battle, leaders simply can't do that -- even if their decisions (and the lives of the people they're leading) DO rely on having timely, accurate information. This is where we often turn to people called "experts" for their take on a situation, too; instead of simply listening for that small voice that is our wise-self. It's got to be linked to perfectionism, fear of making mistakes, ultimately fear of becoming that old toxic target of invalidation and abuse... which lives on in our psyches as the "inner critic", and that voice that heaps recriminations, blame & shame, and humiliation on ourselves.

Maybe the fears are lizard brain level and take precedence over the higher processing centers, demanding for guarantees that a clear picture of the future result of the decision is "safe" and will be successful? And that keeps us churning through the ifs, the if-thens, and unknown unknowns... stuck. Maybe. Dunno.

I wonder (today, anyway) how many hours and days of my life I've spent in trying to accumulate ENOUGH, GOOD ENOUGH information to make a decision? Instead of simply ASKING myself - what do you want to do? - and then waiting for that answer to swim up to consciousness. How many times have I asked my friends - and people whose opinion I respect (read: experts) - to critique the decisions I'm trying to make and giving me their "Good Housekeeping Stamp of Approval" for it, before I can even think about getting my butt in gear on it?

And what effect (if any), what message am I sending to that original psyche/heart wound that said what I think, feel, and want is foolish or of no consequence when I go seeking that stamp of approval?

I'm giving that a real good hard look these days. It was a function in my life that Mike filled -- he and I would run through all those thoughts, ifs, etc -- and identifying the worst that could happen and also the potential benefits -- and when/where decisions could adapted, edited, changed or even negated if things didn't turn out as we'd hoped. And unlike my toxic relationships... Mike always threw the final decision to me, saying he was just along for the ride - LOL. It is also one of the things I feel the loss of, the most, too.

He could do all that, and then immediately throw me into a spontaneous activity just long enough... just to break the obsessive trance I get into over this crap, too. So, I am in the process of trying to learn to do that for/to myself.

Hopalong:
Wow, Amber.
Thank you for the "chasing the unicorn" insight.
And your last two paras really affect me. Both for your loss, and because that is a good description of the biggest lack in my life. Having a partner interested in my life would help me become interested in it/hopeful about it again too.

hugs
Hops

Ales2:
Wow, there is alot of stuff that triggers issues for me here too! I usually talk more about experiences than Book recommendations, but here is a list that might be helpful.


--- Quote ---I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".

When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)
--- End quote ---

For this problem, try Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul PHD.
https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010299&sr=8-1&keywords=inner+bonding


--- Quote ---I have frequently and repeatedly read yet another book about asking the Universe for what you want and it being delivered in your lap, and have read story after story of people achieving great successes and huge wealth because they practised this regularly.  But I never really seemed to get the hang of it and I often seemed to attract bad luck rather than good, even when trying really hard to be upbeat and positive.

I've also struggled to understand how bad things happen when you're not thinking about them or even aware they are possible (as the Law of Attraction theory is that you pull every experience to you with your thoughts and vibrations).  Why is it babies are neglected and starved, or children bombed, young girls married off to old men, so many awful things that you hear about.  They wouldn't be aware enough to think about that, so I've never really understood.  Equally things that have happened to me - a social worker fabricating a case against me, for example - I'd never have dreamed that sort of thing went on so I've never really been able to understand how I drew that experience to me.

--- End quote ---

Check out what Esther Hicks says about "contrast" and "desire's remorse" at their website, it might answer the questions for you.

http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/fulltextsearch.php

Also, check out Living with Joy - they have a chapter about how when things start working well, somethings will not work well, and it has to do with people having to evolve from old self to new self to get to the next level. Not sure exactly which chapter or pages, but check it out.

https://www.amazon.com/Living-Joy-Personal-Spiritual-Transformation/dp/1932073515/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010501&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+joy


About nasty thought towards myself or others, I dont have an answer or suggestion for that one just yet, but working on it myself.

Peace to all here at the board - so much turmoil in our country these days, its imperative that we are here for each other with help, support and kindness.

Hopalong:
Tupp,
I really like Mark Manson on The Secret and the "Law..." fwiw.

https://markmanson.net/the-secret

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on July 09, 2016, 12:26:57 AM ---Tupp,
I really like Mark Manson on The Secret and the "Law..." fwiw.

https://markmanson.net/the-secret

Hugs
Hops

--- End quote ---

Ha, that made me laugh, Hops, he's said the things that I've wondered and then I've told myself off for allowing myself to doubt and be negative.  I think life is all about grey areas and changing boundaries, isn't it?  Surrounding yourself with critical people isn't good but at the same time you do need people to point out the flaws in your plan or sometimes just to tell you you're being an arse and need to wind it in a bit (they are the best kind of friends, I think, the ones that love you but can tell you when you're being an idiot).

I've complained a lot about not having many friends and having friends that have let me down and haven't made any effort to keep in touch.  But I have realised more recently that I have sort of outgrown them anyway, even though it was really painful and I felt rejected.  It's more the feeling of being wanted that I've missed rather than the individual people themselves I think.  That's one of the things I spent loads of time throwing up to the Universe and saying over and over that I had lots of friends and they all really cared about me.  It just isn't true, but I have got a small number of friends who really do care and I do focus on them a lot more now and I'm very grateful for them.

I do remember a therapist I saw about CBT years ago who used an analogy that I found useful when it comes to positive thinking.  She said if you stand in a garden with your eyes shut and keep repeating 'There are no weeds' it just stops you seeing them, it doesn't stop them growing.  The point being the gardening will be more enjoyable if you go about it in a positive mindset but whatever happens you still need to pull the weeds up.

I'll have to have a look through the rest of his site, it looks interesting.  Thank you for posting it up :) x

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