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What gives you your sense of self worth

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lighter:
I think there will be parts of the move, and living elsewhere that is heaven on a stick, Tupp. 

The trick will be shifting into observer mode, and staying there so you can SEE yourself and your new situation without old fear, scripts, and habits sneaking in and scribbling all over it, IME.

It won't be easy, but you'll have this amazing freedom from the....
I get hooked up in posts to you every time I start to refer to your SF and M.  Even the ignorant flying monkeys.

I see monsters doing egregiously harmful things TO you and your son, and doing those things while accusing YOU....
diabolical really.

 The trademark of a truly disturbed person/people....  I can hardly type about it without becoming incensed... every time.  How do you live so close to them, and remain level?  These monsters in positions of trust, charged with your actual protection.... THE NERVE! 

What they've done is diabolical, but I see them as blunt ignorant objects... not as people, and maybe that's where I go wrong.  I lose sight of the fact they were likely victimized by monsters at some point.  And damaged. They're damaged....

distance is just the thing for this, Tupp.  Not figuring them out, but re filing them in your heart and mind, and leaving them far far far behind. Distance is just the thing, IME.

So.....

naming them.   

I  need something I can write and leave on the page, and let go by without distracting me that feels right enough, yet doesn't distract you or anyone else reading. Something I don't have to think about every time I write a post to you, and I write quite a few I don't send, so.... to  just name them. 

I look at your neighborhood from a distance, and I see monsters.  Monsters who harmed you and your son, then turned around and accused you of victimizing them..... how could you live in that place so long, and do as well as you have?

::HUGE PATS on the back for Mother Bear Tupp::

That's where the majority of your energy has gone, and soon you're son will be heading to University, and there will be more time to heal yourself.  You've worked so hard.  You've identified destructive patterns, and coping strategies.  There's the ground work.  Facing the demons is how you back them down, unhook their wires into your brain, and dislodge them... right? 

You're doing that, and at some point you're wiring in new people, places and uplifting things.... there will parts of  the new place that's heaven on a stick, of course there will be.

::nodding::

I so look forward to that for you, even though it won't be automatic metamorphosis.... 
it will be safe space....

distance from the monsters.......

where you can build new things. 

A new chosen family. A new career.  A new T. 

Honestly, just telling your authentic story without having monster fingerprints all over it... sullying it.... confusing it for the people you're telling it to.....
 feels like a line from the Poem SHE LET GO. 
The line I love best...
near the end.

"A small smile came over her face.  A light breeze blew through her."

Just THAT.... not having the monsters touch your story.... reframe in, corrupt it. 

That will be a divine gift you give to yourself and your son, IME.



OK..... I'm going to write out the entire poem to close this post.  Not because I think we should just let go, (Ahhh, pressure!) but bc I believe it's something we can do when we've done the work, and are ready.  I look forward to that for us all.

SHE LET GO

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of judgements.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the right reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice.

She didn't read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back.

She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of all the planning and calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go.

She didn't journal about it.
She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement.

She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go.

She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn't utter one word.
She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.  There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.  No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.  There was no struggle.

It wasn't good.  It wasn't bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.  A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore. 

Here's to giving ourselves the gift of letting go.....

there's only one guru - you.



I'm still not completely OK with using the lable "monsters" but it gets me to the end of a post much quickly.  It works but it's not quite right either.  It's the pretending they aren't dangerous monsters that's hooked me up, I think.  If you talk about what they did/are likely still doing then the monsters give very large blow back, IME.  The chaos manufacture begins, and nothing good comes of that, we've all been there.

It's the fact that we have to pretend they aren't dangerous criminals capable of doing terrible things.... of DOING terrible things to us..... it's the pretending.

When you get to your new neighborhood you'll be framing everything.  Authentically.  Selecting what you share, and how you share it.  There won't be anyone there to sully it and take it from you, IMO.

It will finally be your story to tell, and your future to build, and your life without monsters looking over your shoulder, deciding what you can have, and what they can take from you.

IS monster the right label?  Is there a better one?  Maybe no words will ever feel OK?

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Hi Lighter, and thank you :) 

I love the poem :)

Words are hard, aren't they?  I still find it hard to accept how bad the things they've done to me are.  Perhaps that will change once I've moved.  Perhaps there is still a need for protection from reality when we live this near each other?  Oddly I have seen my step-dad every day after counselling for the last three weeks.  That used to happen before when I'd talked about him at counselling; he'd drive past me on the way home or at some point the next day.  Weird.

My T asked me to start listing things that my step-dad robbed me of by abusing me.  We'd got to fifteen by the end of the session and I've carried on at home and I now have 44.  It's a lot, Lighter, it's forty years of my life that he's had an incredibly negative and destructive effect on.  I have found that hard to deal with.  I've felt very angry, but also very sad and tired - sad of coping instead of enjoying, watching from the sidelines instead of playing centre stage, waiting for the scraps after everyone else has finished instead of sitting in the middle of the table and demanding the best dishes.  Equally, I did write a list of the things I have accomplished despite what he did (and I did impress myself) and I've written a list of things I want to do with my life - and top of that is move, lol.  I've got a date in my mind, one month before Christmas, so I've started counting down.  We've got a holiday before that, when we'll look at colleges and the general area we'll be looking to move to, just to get an idea of where to look.  This move can be temporary, though, if we just get to the right area, then we can worry about 'the best place to be'.   There's plenty of time for that, I've got money saved and we've got our campervan to stay in should something hideous happen and we end up with nowhere (that did happen once before!  Very scary).  So things are moving forward, an inch at a time.  My usual impatience means I would like them to move quicker but the time frame does mean I'm getting a lot done so the move should be as smooth as possible (bar unforeseen circumstances).

So - monsters.  I think it's a good word.  I always think 'animals' as well - the lack of social skills, the lack of empathy, the 'dog eat dog' mentality.  But then I think of animals and their cute affectionate ways and their ability to love unconditionally and I think no, that's not fair on animals.  It's hard to sum up in one word.  But I think monsters is a good one to go with.  How are things with you? xx

lighter:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on August 29, 2016, 12:19:00 PM ---Hi Lighter, and thank you :) 

I love the poem :)

Words are hard, aren't they?  I still find it hard to accept how bad the things they've done to me are. You''ll do that in your own time, Tupp.  Perhaps that will change once I've moved.  Perhaps there is still a need for protection from reality when we live this near each other? Honestly, I think you're spot on there..... there would be a need to keep emotional distance, from so many things, while living so close to the monsters, IMO. For so many reasons.  Yes. Oddly I have seen my step-dad every day after counselling for the last three weeks.   :shock:  That used to happen before when I'd talked about him at counselling; he'd drive past me on the way home or at some point the next day.  Weird.  That is uber duper odd, IMO, Tupp.  You're amazingly strong.

My T asked me to start listing things that my step-dad robbed me of by abusing me. Ack, the white hot color of anger over the idea of his TAKING from little Tupp, then helping your mother take more from you and your son.  The bastard.  The only way I know of to put that kind of anger out is to understand and you don't want to let them take anything else from you.  To accept they're monsters, unable to do better, and know they never will.... they were doing their miserable best, such as it was.  Don't allow them to take any more years away... not the way they have. We'd got to fifteen by the end of the session and I've carried on at home and I now have 44.  It's a lot, Lighter, it's forty years of my life that he's had an incredibly negative and destructive effect on. I think it's enough, Tupp.  I do.  ::nodding:: I have found that hard to deal with. The alchemy of turning NEED.... need to understand, to make sense of, to receive justice, to punish, or to OWN some form of closure.... it eats up our attention and time if we don't find a way to deal with it finally and lay it down, IME.  I can't say I've dealt with anything so serious as you, Tupp, but I know there's got to be an end to the taking taking taking from you if you want it badly enough.   You're strong enough to do that, I believe it truly.

How to turn the need and hate and painful anger into.....
to turn it instead INTO acceptance.... it's like spinning hay into gold, and I can't say I have a lot of experience doing it, but I've done a bit of it, and the sense of relief is astonishing, IME.  Just accepting.... radical acceptance as Hops says.... such a relief. 
Not that the waves don't keep coming, bc they do, but there's hope in the finding some measure, any measure, of feeling better, IME.  Finding better leads to more good things, and it's a matter of inching forward till we understand how much power we have.  Why is it so hard to KNOW these things?  How tragic to be held hostage by how others treated us in the past?  It's all in the expectations, right?  If we change our expectations, we have room for other things.  Acceptance, Tupp.  Realistic expectations free us up to focus on what's in front of us..... that's how it feels right now.

We spend so much time trying to feel better, IME. It can take all our time if we're not careful, and that's smacks more of living like an addict, not thriving.... if we aren't adding to out tool boxrd, and mindfully employing those tools...so hard to do when we're getting knocked off balance over and over again.  I think distance will mean fewer waves for you and those waves will get weaker, and wield less power over you, I hope.  I think it's possible.   It's going to happen for you.  You're working hard to achieve it, and bc you're striving you'll chase it, and find it, IMO.  I've felt very angry, but also very sad and tired - sad of coping instead of enjoying, watching from the sidelines instead of playing centre stage, waiting for the scraps after everyone else has finished instead of sitting in the middle of the table and demanding the best dishes. I think you'll be able to take center stage, and ask for the finest dish, Tupp.  When it happens it won't feeel like you think it will either.  It'll feel like you're playing hooky and can suddenly take flight.... a flip of a switch, and a KNOWING that things are different bc you believe they are.  Equally, I did write a list of the things I have accomplished despite what he did (and I did impress myself) and I've written a list of things I want to do with my life - and top of that is move, lol.  I've got a date in my mind, one month before Christmas, so I've started counting down. ::marking calendar... Tupp's move:: We've got a holiday before that, when we'll look at colleges and the general area we'll be looking to move to, just to get an idea of where to look.  This move can be temporary, though, if we just get to the right area, then we can worry about 'the best place to be'.  So true.  It doesn't have to be just the right place.  I honestly believe you'll be in spot you need to be.  That spot will have a purpose, and you'll discover why it was right, and maybe it leads to a better space you wouldn't have found otherwise.  There's plenty of time for that, I've got money saved and we've got our campervan to stay in should something hideous happen and we end up with nowhere (that did happen once before!  Very scary).  So nice to have alll your bases covered, Tupp.  You're pragmatic, and plan as best you can.... that's one of the reasons your son is doing so well, IMO.So things are moving forward, an inch at a time.  My usual impatience means I would like them to move quicker but the time frame does mean I'm getting a lot done so the move should be as smooth as possible (bar unforeseen circumstances).  It's amazing how much we can get done when a time frame is in place, huh? 

So - monsters.  I think it's a good word.  I always think 'animals' as well - the lack of social skills, the lack of empathy, the 'dog eat dog' mentality.  But then I think of animals and their cute affectionate ways and their ability to love unconditionally and I think no, that's not fair on animals.  It's hard to sum up in one word.  But I think monsters is as good as any, How are things with you? xx  I think the word monster fits as well as any, and I'm happy not to think about it any more.  Just let it be that, and keep moving towards safe harbor. 

((((Tupp and Son)))

I'm doing OK.  My oldest dd visits next week, and we're really connecting... she's connecting to youngest dd as well.  So nice.  My girls are so emotionally intelligent.... I didn't have that when I was their age... maybe I don't have it now, but I'm feeling blessed to grow alongside them without blame, or finger pointing.  It's all about solutions, and finding better ways. 

::nodding::

We're planning to have a bonfire/sleepover/apple dumpling baking/puzzle room solving/card playing reunion, and the house looks great, the back porch is covered in hanging candle fairy lights, and the firepit is beckoning.... I really am feeling blessed: )

Thanks for asking.
 
Lighter

--- End quote ---

lighter:
Tupp:

http://www.wisebrain.org/wisebrainbulletin/WBB10.4.pdf


I just finished the above, very timely, link.

Just......

wow.


Lighter

Hopalong:
Ditto that wow, Lighter--thank you for that link.
I'm signing up.

Sorry to hijack, Tupp...but I'm signing up for an intensive mindfulness group. It's led by friends of mine, includes other friends and neighbors of theirs. But the couple leading it are long-term meditators.

I told her that not only do I have ADD but the squirrel in my head does too, but I'm still looking forward to what I can learn from it.

thanks again
Hops

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