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sKePTiKal:
Hopsy - just now seeing all this. I'm so sorry you find yourself back to square one again.

You've likely already done the inventory of all your employment "assets" to offer someone. That's one thing you DON'T have to do. Have you tried visualizing what your ideal job would be? As long as you remember, that in reality nothing is going to be ideal - you may only find something that hits a majority percentage of all the aspects you want - it's perfectly OK to let your imagination explore this because you'll discover more of what is really important to you. That kind of thing changes for us over time.

That inventory includes things like stability, profitable (even if it's a struggle and "work"), honesty in communications, professionalism, informality, etc.

As far as your coping methods - well dear, I've decided there's an extremely thin line between compassion for ourselves and self-pity. And that sometimes the self-pity is damn well justified - as long as it doesn't become a habit. Sometimes life just SUCKS.  Sometimes we trust people, in hopes that they are as worthy as they appear... and whatever their personal situation is, they let us down anyway. But it's important to keep trusting. The old cliche: Trust, but verify is applicable here even though it feels cold & calculating. It what we have to do to protect and defend ourselves, while we're reaching out to new people and situations.

Just like all the debt Mike brought to the marriage that he was too ashamed to tell me. If I hadn't been over the moon about him, I would've asked pointed questions FIRST about the "business" side of the relationship. But I didn't; and I'm just lucky it turned out OK. (And he DID get a lot better over time, when he found out I wouldn't constantly give him grief over the past.)

I think you're going to be fine after this latest trust-wound heals Hops. Look how much you've learned about what you really want already! And the fact that you could bounce back and be hopeful for a day - even if it didn't last - doesn't mean you're confused necessarily or having mood swings. It means you're trying on a new way of coping with the inevitable crap that life sends our way from time to time. It doesn't last because there is still a lot scary reality that has to fall into place -- and I hear you loud and clear caring about your "plan" -- and finding the requirements to make the plan reality.

That matters more than anything else right now. So, grasshopper... you have come a long, long way and this new turn of events isn't nearly the mountain that it would've been years ago. Detours often let us discover the most interesting things!  ;)

 

Hopalong:
Thank you, Amber.
This was such a perceptive and supportive message...I really appreciate it.

Put in an app for an editing job that's perfect for me at the local U...then again, I haven't even gotten a nibble for TEMP jobs there. I have to go "here I am, yes I'm 66, interview me anyway!" in my head.

When I am entirely straightforward about the exhaustive application process there, I have to fill out every single date (including graduation dates) throughout my career. There is simply no pretending I'm not the age I am. And though I can't prove it, it's truly illogical that I haven't gotten a single interview at the U in the last year.

I don't know what to conclude except for the dreaded "overqualified" excuse. But it's maddening.

Going to apply for another editorial job...at a finance institution, ironically. Loathe the idea but it might work the same way as medical/health editing did...not the deeply technical stuff, but I got quite good at writing clearly about the subject because I had to research until it melted into mainstream accessibility. Then I got quite good at translating medical info for mainstream readers.

We'll see. I'm being plucky about it. And I've signed up for a local novel writing workshop because that will keep me believing there's a reason to live. (Dramatic but true.)

Love,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hopsie I really do admire your stoicism.  This would have floored so many people and had them throw that retirement plan out of the window but you've dusted yourself off and got on with it.  I think we often find we are much stronger than we realise, uncomfortable though it is along the way.

The 'ageism' thing is something that is so very wrong in both our societies, I think.  I can't imagine how much experience, knowledge, compassion and learning you can bring to any job you undertake, yet I can understand completely what you mean about not getting interviews (only because I hear the same thing over here and I know from experience that young and recently trained/qualified means cheaper and sadly that's what a lot of people value).  I am keeping everything crossed that someone with a bit more sense will cross your path and snap you up immediately. 

I am equally crossing things in the hope that the novel writing workshop is going to be fabulous!  Bravo for doing something that you've longed to do; that alone will be amazing, I think.  But I'm also hoping it may bring you into contact with useful/helpful people and may even bring forth a novel in three months flat and one of those 'out of the water' publishing deals that you read about sometimes.  Wouldn't that be amazing?

Keep on keeping on, my friend.  You are truly incredible.

Love Tup x

lighter:
Is the writing class feeling......

a tad exciting? 

Maybe a little like charting an unexpected course in unfamiliar waters without expectation?  Scary, but a bit exhilarating too?
::nodding::

I hope so.


My prayer will be that you find your path, and safe space. 

Your resilience and resourcefulness will rise with you. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thank you Tupp and Lighter.
You two just made this cold lonesome winter night feel less so!

I'm in the same situation I was before, but with less time to waste, I feel. So I'm focusing on jobs sooner than I did last time when I was so wrung out from the end of that long bad job. This one hasn't created the emotional damage and there's no toxic hangover. She wasn't a cruel person. Self absorbed and flighty, but not an N. She's written me several nice emails since my last day, wanting to assure me of her regrets and of how valuable I was to the business. (I think wanting also to assure herself, because I was a little blunt with her that day. She knew I wasn't mean either though, and she gave me an extra week's pay. Fair enough after just a few months.)

The novel workshop is to re-start the book and connect me to the one thing that is my purpose that I can still connect to. Or in honesty, I'm re-connecting to it after many years of setting it aside for elder care, family collapse, the toxic job and all the rest. I never stopped dreaming about doing it, and the recent death of a friend my age was a wake-up call.

I also decided to listen to my T who's been urging me to Just Do It. Make time for it instead of wasting my time on escape. I've heard it over and over but this time, I was ready to listen. I take in my registration fee tomorrow and the writer/instructor has approved my manuscript I had to provide. I'm truly looking forward to it. Regardless of what happens financially, I am still that person who wrote with a sense of deep aliveness and joy for so long...until family and Nboss made me feel I had no more strength to fight for myself.

I may not have enough strength now, but I will do it anyway. It's one of those things. Whether or not I write this book is really answering the question of whether or not my life has any purpose. Being a mother was my main purpose for a long time, and that's been removed. Then I was walking dead for several years, grief left nothing to put into the book. I'm changed but I've also healed a great deal, so now is the time to start again.

To my surprise the decision has calmed me. Yes, I still have to cope, and worry, and find work. But even if it's an hour or two a day, I also can write.

My T supported me in deciding to spend that money on the workshop. I also am hiring two sessions with a lovely office organizer lady. She's going to spend time in the Scary Room with me...and by the time we're done, it's going to be the lovely Writing Room it was always intended to be.

What I used to say to my T, over and over during the recent years of grief over my D, was that I had lost interest in my own life. Suddenly...not in an exciting way exactly, but in a sense of renewed purpose, I am interested again. It's slow and not dramatic, but it feels real.

Thank you guys, so much, for caring and commenting.

We've got that polar vortex cold going on, so the night feels very cold and your voices are really precious to me when I'm alone. And I'm doing okay. I've tried to make a resolution to see one friend every day, even just for coffee, if I can. Helps me get through winter. And who knows? Maybe I'll find more friends in the writing group.

It's going to challenge me in a way I am eager to be challenged. Working on my own words, my own text, my own story. Making it as good as I can. And I'll be good with that. A friend wrote me something about "recognition" and I told her that was way way way down my priority list. It's the doing of it and at some point, the completing, that brings fulfillment. The rest can come later.

love,
Hops

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