Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Having the hardest time

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Hopalong:
HOO-aahh!


--- Quote ---...those inner voices have been brainwashed about what they are by people who never took the time to actually SEE who we really are, or find out when we're our happiest and why, never really KNEW us...
--- End quote ---

What popped right up for me reading this great Amber comment was--I believe "people who never took the time" most importantly includes us. Ourselves. It's US taking the time to actually see who we really are, etc.--that is the cure. For practically everything.

Others will see or not see, contained as they are within their own experiences, lives, and struggle to see THEMselves. So as long as our focus is external, waiting for rescue from those who do see us...we may wait in vain.

Got to see, know, embrace, forgive, support, advocate for, and love ourselves. Not really in opposition to others or just because others disappoint us. But without waiting for the magical rescue-people who won't disappoint. We have the opportunity without waiting for anybody at all, to work at seeing and loving ourselves. The loving ourselves is what makes seeing ourselves possible.

That's what makes us (what's with the we/us, Hops? Obviously preaching to yourself, here) ... ahem ... what makes us ultimately healthier, less resentful, less desperate, less guarded -- all of which make it more likely that as we move through the world, we attract folks who also have healed, open hearts.

(We enjoyed our sermon.)

love to us,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
LOL Hops...

I guess I'm not the only one who does the "we" thing. You make a very good point in the process however. Ales, are we making any sense to you with our reflections on this?

Ales2:
Thanks for all the comments, thoughts and opinions, they are very helpful and insightful. I know I always say that, but this board really resonates with me while still giving me a new point of view. I'm still trying to digest everything.

I had another thought which I will come back to and explain over the next couple of days. Thanks.

Ales2:
I've been in a prolonged slump for 8 years.

The short cause is - got laid off from a job with a terrible boss. Terrible boss lead to discovery of narcissism and my history with it, coming from an NMom. 

Before the layoff and knowledge of Nism, I had a great job, no debt, was my normal weight (145 at 5ft-9in) and was on good terms with my family (Mother, brother).  I had also met a guy that I was in a relationship for a year.  I had great friends as well (economy shifted and several moved away).  I had a LIFE. Yet, when I was doing well, my self esteem was not that great.

I sought help for the terrible boss and NMom problem, only the T turned out to be terrible too.  (He is currently under review by the CA Board of licensing for ethical violations, including over 10 suicides). I made no progress with him and left more confused and depressed. He actually made it worse.

Here is where it gets murky. I was depressed and miserable, gained weight, used my credit beyond what is normal (not worried, though, but its a bad move), have had enormous trouble finding another good job, although have done alot o free projects that have not led anywhere. How come I am not improving? Isnt this realization a great relief and gives me permission in a sense to just move on and excel? For some reason I cannot understand, I just can't seem to move on. Ive actually had a good couple of months, but this will take more than just a "little luck" to move on once and for all. I feel like Ive pushed most of these issues well behind me, but still my life is not advancing. I actually feel like I have more self esteem, but yet its not matching the outside as it did before (job, weight, credit etc)

What am I missing? If its patience, is that 8 months? cause 8 years is not patience, thats sadism.

Also, the contrast of outside "results" and corresponding self esteem levels is interesting. Any thoughts on that?

Twoapenny:
Ales, no thoughts as yet but had to respond as you've more or less described my life?!

It's ten years since I stopped talking to my mum and about eight since I first read something about narcissism and thought, blimey, that's her!  And yes, since that point, my life has generally got harder and harder and certainly in terms of outward appearances (as you say, job, money etc) things are not great. Mmmm.

Perhaps the work that has to be done internally means that there is little space for external effort?  Perhaps the grief of realising what you had/didn't have/won't have is more extreme than we realise and holds us back somewhat?  Perhaps we feel a need to punish ourselves for no longer being good and accepting the situation without complaint?  I don't know.  I will ponder on this some more, it's very interesting that you've raised this as I just hadn't realised it as starkly as that before.

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