Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Holiday Wars Starting

<< < (2/2)

sKePTiKal:
Well, since I learned to give up EXPECTING anything different from my family, than what they are (no matter the pain that causes me) things are easier. Sounds like, you've built this Christmas tradition as a life-line to the kind of the family you wish you had.

That sounds hard & cold, but there it is.   :shock:

I'm at the age (and circumstances) where my kids are expecting me to come visit them, instead of the other way around. And their SO's extended "family" too. So, I'm tossing that around in my head trying to decide what my resistance to that idea is. Driving in weather? Driving at all? Being in a city again? What??? And when it comes right down to it, what it is - is I'm used to the way things HAVE BEEN; it's comfortable (for me) and to contemplate doing anything different than that means I have to change my expectations... give up a little of what I want to try something different & new... because it obviously means something important to the family members I want to be with.

Christmas was a big deal in my family too. And we used to go overboard - I'd work a 40 hr week and still burn the midnight oil to bake ungodly amounts of cookies and treats, shop, wrap presents, decorate, etc. But the past few years, I've been simplifying a lot of that - it was just too much work, that I really only felt OBLIGATED to carry through on; I didn't really enjoy it anymore.

Just this morning, I made a decision about 2 holiday bears I've not packed yet (I'm moving). One is a Santa, and the other is a simple white bear in a hat & scarf. I'm donating Santa and keeping the Holly-day bear. There are so many traditions around Christmas... and lately, I've decided I don't like the "commercial version" nearly as much. Everyone has too much "stuff" already. I like the really old druidic, norse & germanic traditions... the Catholic midnight mass on Christmas Eve... the light in the darkness symbolism.

Small, thoughtful gifts tailored to a kindness to the recipient. A remembrance of them and expression of my gratitude. Or simply one gift in the case of the kiddos... who have multiple sets of grandparents and get inundated as it is. (And perhaps a donation to their college fund) Too much "stuff" gets in the way of simply being together, I find.

sunblue:
Hi Skeptikal. Thank you for your response and sharing your own family experiences as it pertains to the holidays.  I get what you're saying about simplifying the holidays and holding onto old traditions.  My brother is definitely of the "simplifying" mind. My guess is if it were up to him, there would be no gift exchange.  He's never valued the practice.  Unfortunately, what he values the most is spending time with his wife's extended family and a tradition he started when my niece was born many years ago of taking a "special guest" to a Christmas lunch at a well-known city location.  In other words, he values nothing to do with his very limited biological family (my N Mom and I).  That is what is bothering me the most.  By disrespecting me by not discussing this suggestion and by essentially inferring he can't be bothered with spending any time thinking about what might be an appropriate present for my Mom and I, he is throwing in my face again how little he regards us...and how much he regards his "adopted" wife's family.  That is what is hurtful.

As for the Christmas practices of shopping, wrapping, decorating, etc.----I guess is I am one of those truly weird people who have always enjoyed it.  It has always been "my thing".  When my dad was alive, he truly appreciated all my efforts.  No one does now I guess except me.  But still Christmas gift giving is probably one of the only few traditions left in my biological family so I would like to hold onto it.  I don't expect him to duplicate it...or even buy me anything...I just don't think he should try to impose his desires on me.

So like you, I am trying to figure out what to do this holiday.  Even if I went along with his proposal which essentially takes away my traditions and joy, I can't get away from the fact that the reason for the change in "gift giving rules" is not because he can't afford it, not because we have such a "huge" family (only 2 of us) Christmas gift giving is out of hand....but rather that he simply doesn't want to, doesn't want to invest any effort in his biological family.  Knowing that, isn't everything just pretending?  It is a clear indication that there is no love, no affection, no care at all for us...bur rather is reserved only for his extended family.  In fact, he went on and on in the email about how excited he is (and I should be) that additional extended members of his wife's family will be in town for their Thanksgiving and Christmas Day celebration.  Double knife in the gut!!

I think that if I had someone else in my life, it might be more tolerable...but I'm alone.  My N mom has her N daughter (they are two N peas in an N pod!).  My brother, of course, has his wife, daughter and his wife's entire extended family, not to mention friends and neighbors.  He has no problem being very generous with his wife, daughter and wife's family.  For them, he has all the time, energy and money in the world.

I continue to really miss my dad who was such a sweet (albeit co-dependent) soul and had a true heart.  He appreciate all that I did and I loved doing it.

Oh well, just venting a bit.  Sorry.  When you were raised in an N family, there's nothing worse than the dysfunction of Christmas holidays!  And for me, it's starting extra early this year!

Thanks. 

Sunblue

Twoapenny:
I do feel for you, Sunblue.  I think what I've noticed about our family is that we all deal with what we went through as kids in different ways.  It sounds like you and your brother have developed different ways of coping and things like Christmas invariably mean either someone has to sacrifice their way of doing things, or people do what they want separately.  And I think you're right, being alone makes that time of year much harder, if you had other people in your life you wouldn't feel the situation so acutely, I think (and I say that as someone who is usually very, very alone so I know how hard it is not to notice the aloneness at that time of year).

Personally I've found different ways of coping with Christmas each year and I've got to the point now where it doesn't bother me too much; I tend to just shut the door and wait until it's over.  Which doesn't help you much, I know, but just to try and make the point that I think each year for me has been another turning point in healing, or getting on with life, depending on which way you want to look at it.

I'm also trying more now to focus on building up a fuller life for myself so that I don't feel the aloneness so much.  Getting there slowly but it is hard going at times.

Anyway - no concrete advice really or useful solutions, just want you to know that I think an awful lot of people find Christmas a difficult time of year for many reasons and you know that others on here particularly will have been through similar so understand.  Thinking of you and hoping that things get a bit easier.

Twoapenny

sunblue:
Thank you so much TwoaPenny.  I agree that it's about acceptance and trying to forge a life that cannot include biological family but perhaps others that might bring some joy to your life.  The sadness emanates from the rejection and abandonment but, at the end of the day, there's nothing we can do to change that. All we can do is move towards acceptance and nurture ourselves as best we can.

You always post such thoughtful insights. Thank you for sharing your experience.  :)

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: sunblue on October 24, 2016, 05:11:53 PM ---Thank you so much TwoaPenny.  I agree that it's about acceptance and trying to forge a life that cannot include biological family but perhaps others that might bring some joy to your life.  The sadness emanates from the rejection and abandonment but, at the end of the day, there's nothing we can do to change that. All we can do is move towards acceptance and nurture ourselves as best we can.

I still struggle with rejection and that feeling of abandonment is very strong and difficult to deal with.  I think with me I kept hoping 'someone' would want me so each time they didn't the feeling got bigger.  It is very hard to cope with.  Now I've got to the point where I don't really hope any more and I'm not sure if that's better or worse to be honest!  I think nurturing yourself is a very good idea.  Will you buy yourself a lovely present whilst you're out buying everyone else's? :)
--- End quote ---

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page