I'm so sorry to hear your Christmas was so difficult TwoAPenny. I truly hope the New Year will bring better times. The holiday can be so difficult---especially for Narcissistic families. The holidays are a reminder of everything that is missing and that we'll never have. It's a reminder of the "haves" and "have nots". Frankly, I think surviving it is an accomplishment in and of itself!
This year was a sobering holiday for me. After expending all of the effort in my family for the holiday, I realized that I truly have no family. I was once again forced to witness my brother expend all of his effort and emotion for his "adopted family"---his wife's family----and express not one iota of sentiment for his own biological family. I realized that will never change. He has lived a truly charmed life, never having to struggle for anything----perfect wife, perfect child, good career that was literally handed to him by others...No challenges of any consequence. He has adopted more of my N mom's traits----the need to completely control and dictate behavior, a lack of empathy and compassion, and a sense of superiority. I look at him now and see that the brother I knew and grew up with is gone, never to return.
I spent Christmas morning at the cemetery visiting and honoring my Dad who always had such a true heart and, like me, loved Christmas. He as grateful and appreciative for all the effort I made. While there, I witnessed a scene that was truly heartbreaking. A little girl had apparently recently passed. Her family, including a person I surmised was the young father, arrived at the grave site and prayed around the grave in a circle, The young dad was dressed as Santa and placed a wrapped doll carriage with some small toys on the grave. A small wreath with a motion-censored ornament that played a Christmas song hung over the grave. Just like that popular image, "Santa" kneeled down at the grave and prayed and then drew a small heart in the snow before the family departed. That scene put a lot of things in perspective. While I, along with other visitors that day, were mourning our losses, it couldn't be compared with the loss of this family on Christmas Day.
Acceptance is very hard. It is especially difficult at Christmas when we are inundated in society with images of happy families and messages of what is truly important at the holiday---spending time with family and loved ones. I believe that to be true which makes it all the more heartbreaking when you know you have no family or loved ones who care. But I also know, although society never wants to remind us of this, that there are many, many, many people out there who are alone or lonely with no family or families who are estranged and have betrayed or hurt us. The bottom line is that life is not fair. Those of us on this board probably fit into that group of people who, through no fault of our own, have no family to count on, to sit around the Christmas tree with and have authentic, loving experiences.
Instead, what we must do is forge on, to find our way to acceptance and to do our best to contribute to this life in some way.
Like many have expressed here, I truly am grateful for all of you, for the kindness and support you have shown me over the years. It has made the world of difference and helped me feel I'm not so alone.
Thank you Dr. G for providing this forum and doing so with so much compassion, empathy and understanding.
May we all find a moment or two of joy this season and may we experience a New Year that is filled with peace, acceptance and understanding.
Bright Blessings. Sunblue.
