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2017 Intentions

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Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: JustKathy on January 01, 2017, 05:54:10 PM ---
--- Quote ---On a similar theme, I would like to be able to deal with rejection more easily and not take it to heart if someone doesn't want to be my 'friend'.

--- End quote ---

I struggle with this one too, and always have.

For me, the friend rejection thing has happened mostly with co-workers. There have been people who I thought were great friends, but when I left the job, they ceased contact with me. I guess it was a matter of "out of sight, out of mind," or they weren't really friends to begin with. I entered the workplace at a very young age, and somehow assumed that work friends would be friends for life, but the business world can be cruel, and maybe there are just too many people who only remain friendly with those they can network with. Still, this rejection sticks with me for years.

Now, decades later, I'm now finding some of these people on Facebook. Several not only remembered me, but we've become good friends again. I should be over the moon about that. Instead, I'm hurt by the ones I've found who reject my FB friend requests. Why do I take this to heart when I just should not care? I think it comes back to that desperate need for acceptance. A "normal" person may have a better perspective on it, but we were raised in environments where we struggled every day for the acceptance of the people who should have given it unconditionally ... our parents. When you're raised like that, any and all rejection is bound to hurt.

I wish I knew how to shrug it off and say, "Well, screw you, I don't need your friendship," but I don't. Tup, I think you're dead right that it's all about self-esteem, and that's a tough one for N daughters to rise above. I'd be willing to bet we ALL suffer from some level of low self-esteem. I don't know that we can ever completely shake that one. There are certainly things we can do (therapy, etc), and we can certainly gain some self-esteem, but not too sure that we will ever have the kind of confidence that other women have. I don't know, maybe all women, from all walks of life, have self-esteem issues. We just need to work on it a little harder than they do.

I think we need to be more proactive and be the ones to do the the rejecting. Rather than chasing after people in the hopes of rekindling a friendship, cast them off before we get hurt. I know that's so much easier said than done, but it's a goal that we can work toward.

--- End quote ---

Hi Kathy :)

Yes I've always struggled with friends that are happy to cease contact when you no longer fit into an easy package for them!  It's one of the things I've found so hard since my son's been ill; there are so many people we haven't seen for years now because we can't do the things with them that we used to and they've not wanted to meet up under different circumstances so we haven't seen them at all.  It's very hard, I think any number of people would be hurt by that but I think you're right, if your self esteem is low or you're still trying to come to terms with something else it hits you harder.  And Facebook, the curse of!  It's a bit like being back in the school playground and being that girl no-one wants to play with.  My T did an interesting exercise with me once; she said I was to imagine I'd gone to a party and met ten people.  After the party seven people said they liked me and three didn't.  How did I feel?  And my response was that I was mortified that three people didn't and what did I do wrong?  I am trying now to focus on the people that do enjoy my company rather than the ones that don't but it is hard going and maybe it is just a life long adjustment we have to make, to keep chipping away at that need to be liked?  It is a tough one.

Hopalong:
Katy and Tupp--

I read a couple sorta social-philosopher articles about Facebook years back and knew in my gut it wasn't for me. I don't need another distraction-addiction, and boy-howdy I don't need the constant social "measuring" it seems to provoke (for all the reasons Kathy described). I'm sticking with the 1/3 of adults in Western countries who are NOT on FB...and if I'm homebound one day and feeling it'll cure isolation, maybe I'd do it then. But by then, I hope some social media has appeared that truly is pro-social, and not just an elaborate tool for profiting off people's data. Ick.
Maybe a "niche" social network that caters to old geezers who need to reach out.

For me, in a lovely way, VESMB feels like a truly deep-social network for me. Y'all are a deep inspiration and deep comfort. But overall, I isolate too much already, and feeling its impact has forced me out to connect in 3-D again, which I greatly needed.

Tupp, I'm so glad there's better treatment for your son on the horizon. I wait and hope with you and send hugs to you both (or whatever hug-approximation he digs).

love
Hop

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 20, 2017, 06:40:27 PM ---Katy and Tupp--

I read a couple sorta social-philosopher articles about Facebook years back and knew in my gut it wasn't for me. I don't need another distraction-addiction, and boy-howdy I don't need the constant social "measuring" it seems to provoke (for all the reasons Kathy described). I'm sticking with the 1/3 of adults in Western countries who are NOT on FB...and if I'm homebound one day and feeling it'll cure isolation, maybe I'd do it then. But by then, I hope some social media has appeared that truly is pro-social, and not just an elaborate tool for profiting off people's data. Ick.
Maybe a "niche" social network that caters to old geezers who need to reach out.

For me, in a lovely way, VESMB feels like a truly deep-social network for me. Y'all are a deep inspiration and deep comfort. But overall, I isolate too much already, and feeling its impact has forced me out to connect in 3-D again, which I greatly needed.

Tupp, I'm so glad there's better treatment for your son on the horizon. I wait and hope with you and send hugs to you both (or whatever hug-approximation he digs).

love
Hop

--- End quote ---


Thanks, Hops.

You are right about Facebook.  I try it, leave it, try it, leave it.  The reason I use it at all is because, as we've talked about before, so few people use the phone now and I do find those days when we can't leave the house and I can't interact with a human being on any level that just having some way to contact the outside world (even if it's just looking at someone's pictures) does help a little.  I have got it down to quite a fine art now; I tend to use it mostly for entertainment information (bands, gigs, films etc), pages of people in the public eye whose opinions I admire for their factual basis and/or simply the way that they write and a small number of 'real' people who are the sort who tend to post uplifting memes or pictures of sunsets.  I've tried to turn it into something that mostly filters positive and/or useful information my way rather than the flotsom and jetsom of most people's minds (I have enough in my own mind to not need anyone else's!).  But yes, it is a pretty vile platform, not least because of tax avoidance and, as you say, the data mining that goes on.  This place is my solace and salvation and funnily enough but I actually have closer, more intimate relationships on here (with people I've never met) than I do in the real world, because I can be so open here.  Maybe that's the way forward for those of us who struggle, the deep and meaningful relationships made possible by never meeting in real life and then the lighter, fluffier ones with real people day to day?  One thing I do feel I would really, really like though, is to be truly hugged by someone who truly loves me.  That's an incredible thing and something that I think a lot of people miss out on.  I will have to teach the cat how to do it :)  Lol xx

Twoapenny:
I am doing okay on the people front, I think - less concerned with who, what, why and spending more time just enjoying being with people, chatting to new people, trying to be friendlier and more open when we're out and about and not giving myself a hard time if I don't feel like spending time with someone!  Planning some little trips away as well and just trying to get 'out there' a bit more - although it's cold at the mo so I'm not always that keen :)

Meh:
Well the fact that you even bothered to make some goals and write them out means you are probably pretty close to achieving them. Years ago I had made a single page written out about my goals and I would read it every morning, it felt pretty uplifting, not like a to-do list. I think reading it in the morning really does help to reinforce the idea of them.

I haven't officially made a goal list, I know what they are but they remain in my head under a quagmire of depression or anxiety or whatever it is. I feel overwhelmed with almost everything or just don't want to deal with IT.  I feel that I haven't gotten much done. Last week I did go through my clothes and found a bags worth to throw away. Old things not worth the space they take up. Barely made a dent in my clutter though. It's not that I have a lot of stuff, I have a small rental is the real problem.

Sometimes I really do grab old things and start using them again, in fact I am using an old purse now that I was thinking of throwing away. It's all not important though. I can clearly see that I have too much stuff in boxes and it's not organized but it's how it is.

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