2017 Intentions

[Twoapenny]

There are some things I would like to work on next year so I thought I would put them up here as an incentive to keep them in mind and keep working on them.  Obviously if anyone else has anything they want to put up that would be great

The first should probably be to update threads before starting new ones   I will get my bum into gear over the next couple of days and catch up, my head has been a bit woolly

I would like to get more involved in community groups and try to focus more on interacting with people that way, without attaching too much to whether or not people 'like' me or think well of me.  That will be hard for me but I need to lose the people pleasing aspect of my personality if I'm going to grow, I think.

On a similar theme, I would like to be able to deal with rejection more easily and not take it to heart if someone doesn't want to be my 'friend'.  I tend to be quite passive in relationships and form friendships with people who take the initiative, rather than choosing people I think I might like to get to know better.  I complain about friends but equally find it more comfortable to be around people who I know (and therefore understand the pecking order) even if I don't particularly enjoy their company.  I think it's something to do with self esteem as well, perhaps.  So I want to start trying to spend more time with people that I don't know very well and getting to know them better.

Tagging on from that, I want to get more professionals involved with my son so that I can have more time to myself.  I don't look after myself well enough and that's become very apparent this Christmas.  Equally I've realised that I comfort eat rather than giving myself comfort.  I deprive myself of a lot and I think that's probably a self esteem thing as well so I'd like to work on that.  More time for me, and more time for doing things that I enjoy rather than hiding in front of the telly or the laptop.

I think that's all for now!  Anyone else intending things for the New Year?

[Twoapenny]

I went from here to Facebook before switching off the PC and in one of those funny coincidences read something that made me realise that one of the reasons I don't do the things I want to (or hang out with the people I want to) is my fear of being criticised which is still a huge problem for me.  Not quite sure how to get rid of that one?  Other than just doing it, maybe?

[sKePTiKal]

No one "owns" a right to criticize anyone else. Despite a lot of people claiming such a thing. I gotta ask, if they're that observant & critical of themselves, too. If they are, they have my condolences. (I fight that one myself.) If they're not... then hmmmmmm.... maybe not people that I need to concern myself with what they think about me.

I never make resolutions anymore. I tried this when I was younger, and well - that's like waving a red flag in front of my resistance and self-sabotage reflex. But I do try to imagine what I want and think I might like to do-be-do-be-doo. If I'm overly focused on crossing things off a list, I end up missing a lot of fun things in life and just "happening" on discoveries out of serendipity. I have a serious set of "blinders" when I'm on a "mission" - LOL.

In order to make the decision to move and carry it out - it was necessary to stick to the list. Even if I really DIDN'T some days. But it was kind of crazy-making at the same time - the OCD kicked in big time along with anxiety, second-guessing myself, fearful what-ifs - the whole shebang. My online friends, the girls and real life friends knew my timetable... but I didn't announce it widely. I was way too busy trying to get there - LOL. So, there are some people likely a little put out that I didn't come visit or even mention to them when I was moving. They can be; I might be if I was in their shoes too. But that still doesn't over ride what I felt I had to do and when, for me.

Sometimes you just have to let the chips fall where they may and keep on truckin'.

So far I've resisted the temptation to map out in excruciating detail what is on "next year's" list. There's a limitation to that; if you choose something to be number one in importance... what if something ELSE comes up that looks just as or more important? Can you let thing 1 go? And go in another direction? Does it make sense to do this - or is it purely a distraction? Can you do both?

So, what I'm doing is simply documenting my ideas about what I "think" I need/want to do here. There are some domino-processes here, to be dealt with (still). But they are a lot fewer, and weren't things I could foresee. I'm looking at "bang for buck" in these projects too. What helps me further the work to reaching that fuzzy, barely defined goal I have right now, for what this place is going to be and do for me?

And how am I best able to adapt to it, as well? I'd prefer all that kind of thing to be as organic as possible without a LOT of intention or design; obviously it needs some. I'm still struggling with the idea of trying to coerce another relationship with a guy, out of the universe. I THINK I'd like that, but I also recognize that I don't "need" it as much as I think I do some days. It's not real high on the list anyway.

I'm just talking out loud, about what's been going through my head today (talking to my self) about this topic.

[JustKathy]

On a similar theme, I would like to be able to deal with rejection more easily and not take it to heart if someone doesn't want to be my 'friend'.

I struggle with this one too, and always have.

For me, the friend rejection thing has happened mostly with co-workers. There have been people who I thought were great friends, but when I left the job, they ceased contact with me. I guess it was a matter of "out of sight, out of mind," or they weren't really friends to begin with. I entered the workplace at a very young age, and somehow assumed that work friends would be friends for life, but the business world can be cruel, and maybe there are just too many people who only remain friendly with those they can network with. Still, this rejection sticks with me for years.

Now, decades later, I'm now finding some of these people on Facebook. Several not only remembered me, but we've become good friends again. I should be over the moon about that. Instead, I'm hurt by the ones I've found who reject my FB friend requests. Why do I take this to heart when I just should not care? I think it comes back to that desperate need for acceptance. A "normal" person may have a better perspective on it, but we were raised in environments where we struggled every day for the acceptance of the people who should have given it unconditionally ... our parents. When you're raised like that, any and all rejection is bound to hurt.

I wish I knew how to shrug it off and say, "Well, screw you, I don't need your friendship," but I don't. Tup, I think you're dead right that it's all about self-esteem, and that's a tough one for N daughters to rise above. I'd be willing to bet we ALL suffer from some level of low self-esteem. I don't know that we can ever completely shake that one. There are certainly things we can do (therapy, etc), and we can certainly gain some self-esteem, but not too sure that we will ever have the kind of confidence that other women have. I don't know, maybe all women, from all walks of life, have self-esteem issues. We just need to work on it a little harder than they do.

I think we need to be more proactive and be the ones to do the the rejecting. Rather than chasing after people in the hopes of rekindling a friendship, cast them off before we get hurt. I know that's so much easier said than done, but it's a goal that we can work toward.

[Twoapenny]

No one "owns" a right to criticize anyone else. Despite a lot of people claiming such a thing. I gotta ask, if they're that observant & critical of themselves, too. If they are, they have my condolences. (I fight that one myself.) If they're not... then hmmmmmm.... maybe not people that I need to concern myself with what they think about me.

I never make resolutions anymore. I tried this when I was younger, and well - that's like waving a red flag in front of my resistance and self-sabotage reflex. But I do try to imagine what I want and think I might like to do-be-do-be-doo. If I'm overly focused on crossing things off a list, I end up missing a lot of fun things in life and just "happening" on discoveries out of serendipity. I have a serious set of "blinders" when I'm on a "mission" - LOL.

In order to make the decision to move and carry it out - it was necessary to stick to the list. Even if I really DIDN'T some days. But it was kind of crazy-making at the same time - the OCD kicked in big time along with anxiety, second-guessing myself, fearful what-ifs - the whole shebang. My online friends, the girls and real life friends knew my timetable... but I didn't announce it widely. I was way too busy trying to get there - LOL. So, there are some people likely a little put out that I didn't come visit or even mention to them when I was moving. They can be; I might be if I was in their shoes too. But that still doesn't over ride what I felt I had to do and when, for me.

Sometimes you just have to let the chips fall where they may and keep on truckin'.

So far I've resisted the temptation to map out in excruciating detail what is on "next year's" list. There's a limitation to that; if you choose something to be number one in importance... what if something ELSE comes up that looks just as or more important? Can you let thing 1 go? And go in another direction? Does it make sense to do this - or is it purely a distraction? Can you do both?

So, what I'm doing is simply documenting my ideas about what I "think" I need/want to do here. There are some domino-processes here, to be dealt with (still). But they are a lot fewer, and weren't things I could foresee. I'm looking at "bang for buck" in these projects too. What helps me further the work to reaching that fuzzy, barely defined goal I have right now, for what this place is going to be and do for me?

And how am I best able to adapt to it, as well? I'd prefer all that kind of thing to be as organic as possible without a LOT of intention or design; obviously it needs some. I'm still struggling with the idea of trying to coerce another relationship with a guy, out of the universe. I THINK I'd like that, but I also recognize that I don't "need" it as much as I think I do some days. It's not real high on the list anyway.

I'm just talking out loud, about what's been going through my head today (talking to my self) about this topic.

Adapting is important, isn't it?  I've just been reading back on that list and I've been making a bit of progress without really trying to.  It does seem to be happening fairly easily, I think with me it's more about putting my mind on a certain track and trying to apply that to the situations rather than creating the situations themselves if that makes sense?

So far, we have met some nice people in the local businesses in our new area and I am making a big effort just to say hi to people and be friendly and not attach too much to what (if anything I get back).  There are quite a lot of older people around here and I like that because they are generally able to chat during the day and they're not always in such a rush.  I've chatted to a couple of nice people in the park (lots of dog walkers and dogs are always good ice breakers) and the staff in the local shop are very friendly and we're in there a couple of times a week so we're getting to know them.  I decided to take up knitting and had a go at teaching myself online with a ball of wool and some needles I bought in a charity shop.  I kept tieing myself in knots so I went into the local wool shop to ask for some advice.  What a nice lady, she told me what she thought would be easiest to start with and then took myself and my boy off to sit down and showed me how to do it, got me to do it with her until I got the hang of it and has said to pop in if I get stuck and she'll help me.  I'm trying to focus on what people do rather than what they don't do (I tend to focus too much on the negatives).  I saw a friend this week and have made arrangements to see another next week.  I'm going to try and get away from home a little bit more often this year so I've pencilled in a couple of short breaks over the next couple of months.  Baby steps, but it's feeling better and I don't feel quite so uptight about it all at the moment.

We've seen the consultant; the form of epilepsy he thinks my son has is apparently very rare but he is starting some meds next week and there are options so hopefully things will improve on that front.  He also agreed to make all the referrals we need to get other people involved now - still a long way to go but we are over the first hurdle and things should start moving now (she says with fingers crossed!).

[Twoapenny]

On a similar theme, I would like to be able to deal with rejection more easily and not take it to heart if someone doesn't want to be my 'friend'.

I struggle with this one too, and always have.

For me, the friend rejection thing has happened mostly with co-workers. There have been people who I thought were great friends, but when I left the job, they ceased contact with me. I guess it was a matter of "out of sight, out of mind," or they weren't really friends to begin with. I entered the workplace at a very young age, and somehow assumed that work friends would be friends for life, but the business world can be cruel, and maybe there are just too many people who only remain friendly with those they can network with. Still, this rejection sticks with me for years.

Now, decades later, I'm now finding some of these people on Facebook. Several not only remembered me, but we've become good friends again. I should be over the moon about that. Instead, I'm hurt by the ones I've found who reject my FB friend requests. Why do I take this to heart when I just should not care? I think it comes back to that desperate need for acceptance. A "normal" person may have a better perspective on it, but we were raised in environments where we struggled every day for the acceptance of the people who should have given it unconditionally ... our parents. When you're raised like that, any and all rejection is bound to hurt.

I wish I knew how to shrug it off and say, "Well, screw you, I don't need your friendship," but I don't. Tup, I think you're dead right that it's all about self-esteem, and that's a tough one for N daughters to rise above. I'd be willing to bet we ALL suffer from some level of low self-esteem. I don't know that we can ever completely shake that one. There are certainly things we can do (therapy, etc), and we can certainly gain some self-esteem, but not too sure that we will ever have the kind of confidence that other women have. I don't know, maybe all women, from all walks of life, have self-esteem issues. We just need to work on it a little harder than they do.

I think we need to be more proactive and be the ones to do the the rejecting. Rather than chasing after people in the hopes of rekindling a friendship, cast them off before we get hurt. I know that's so much easier said than done, but it's a goal that we can work toward.

Hi Kathy

Yes I've always struggled with friends that are happy to cease contact when you no longer fit into an easy package for them!  It's one of the things I've found so hard since my son's been ill; there are so many people we haven't seen for years now because we can't do the things with them that we used to and they've not wanted to meet up under different circumstances so we haven't seen them at all.  It's very hard, I think any number of people would be hurt by that but I think you're right, if your self esteem is low or you're still trying to come to terms with something else it hits you harder.  And Facebook, the curse of!  It's a bit like being back in the school playground and being that girl no-one wants to play with.  My T did an interesting exercise with me once; she said I was to imagine I'd gone to a party and met ten people.  After the party seven people said they liked me and three didn't.  How did I feel?  And my response was that I was mortified that three people didn't and what did I do wrong?  I am trying now to focus on the people that do enjoy my company rather than the ones that don't but it is hard going and maybe it is just a life long adjustment we have to make, to keep chipping away at that need to be liked?  It is a tough one.

[Hopalong]

Katy and Tupp--

I read a couple sorta social-philosopher articles about Facebook years back and knew in my gut it wasn't for me. I don't need another distraction-addiction, and boy-howdy I don't need the constant social "measuring" it seems to provoke (for all the reasons Kathy described). I'm sticking with the 1/3 of adults in Western countries who are NOT on FB...and if I'm homebound one day and feeling it'll cure isolation, maybe I'd do it then. But by then, I hope some social media has appeared that truly is pro-social, and not just an elaborate tool for profiting off people's data. Ick.
Maybe a "niche" social network that caters to old geezers who need to reach out.

For me, in a lovely way, VESMB feels like a truly deep-social network for me. Y'all are a deep inspiration and deep comfort. But overall, I isolate too much already, and feeling its impact has forced me out to connect in 3-D again, which I greatly needed.

Tupp, I'm so glad there's better treatment for your son on the horizon. I wait and hope with you and send hugs to you both (or whatever hug-approximation he digs).

love
Hop

[Twoapenny]

Katy and Tupp--

I read a couple sorta social-philosopher articles about Facebook years back and knew in my gut it wasn't for me. I don't need another distraction-addiction, and boy-howdy I don't need the constant social "measuring" it seems to provoke (for all the reasons Kathy described). I'm sticking with the 1/3 of adults in Western countries who are NOT on FB...and if I'm homebound one day and feeling it'll cure isolation, maybe I'd do it then. But by then, I hope some social media has appeared that truly is pro-social, and not just an elaborate tool for profiting off people's data. Ick.
Maybe a "niche" social network that caters to old geezers who need to reach out.

For me, in a lovely way, VESMB feels like a truly deep-social network for me. Y'all are a deep inspiration and deep comfort. But overall, I isolate too much already, and feeling its impact has forced me out to connect in 3-D again, which I greatly needed.

Tupp, I'm so glad there's better treatment for your son on the horizon. I wait and hope with you and send hugs to you both (or whatever hug-approximation he digs).

love
Hop

Thanks, Hops.

You are right about Facebook.  I try it, leave it, try it, leave it.  The reason I use it at all is because, as we've talked about before, so few people use the phone now and I do find those days when we can't leave the house and I can't interact with a human being on any level that just having some way to contact the outside world (even if it's just looking at someone's pictures) does help a little.  I have got it down to quite a fine art now; I tend to use it mostly for entertainment information (bands, gigs, films etc), pages of people in the public eye whose opinions I admire for their factual basis and/or simply the way that they write and a small number of 'real' people who are the sort who tend to post uplifting memes or pictures of sunsets.  I've tried to turn it into something that mostly filters positive and/or useful information my way rather than the flotsom and jetsom of most people's minds (I have enough in my own mind to not need anyone else's!).  But yes, it is a pretty vile platform, not least because of tax avoidance and, as you say, the data mining that goes on.  This place is my solace and salvation and funnily enough but I actually have closer, more intimate relationships on here (with people I've never met) than I do in the real world, because I can be so open here.  Maybe that's the way forward for those of us who struggle, the deep and meaningful relationships made possible by never meeting in real life and then the lighter, fluffier ones with real people day to day?  One thing I do feel I would really, really like though, is to be truly hugged by someone who truly loves me.  That's an incredible thing and something that I think a lot of people miss out on.  I will have to teach the cat how to do it   Lol xx

[Twoapenny]

I am doing okay on the people front, I think - less concerned with who, what, why and spending more time just enjoying being with people, chatting to new people, trying to be friendlier and more open when we're out and about and not giving myself a hard time if I don't feel like spending time with someone!  Planning some little trips away as well and just trying to get 'out there' a bit more - although it's cold at the mo so I'm not always that keen

[Meh]

Well the fact that you even bothered to make some goals and write them out means you are probably pretty close to achieving them. Years ago I had made a single page written out about my goals and I would read it every morning, it felt pretty uplifting, not like a to-do list. I think reading it in the morning really does help to reinforce the idea of them.

I haven't officially made a goal list, I know what they are but they remain in my head under a quagmire of depression or anxiety or whatever it is. I feel overwhelmed with almost everything or just don't want to deal with IT.  I feel that I haven't gotten much done. Last week I did go through my clothes and found a bags worth to throw away. Old things not worth the space they take up. Barely made a dent in my clutter though. It's not that I have a lot of stuff, I have a small rental is the real problem.

Sometimes I really do grab old things and start using them again, in fact I am using an old purse now that I was thinking of throwing away. It's all not important though. I can clearly see that I have too much stuff in boxes and it's not organized but it's how it is.

[Twoapenny]

Well the fact that you even bothered to make some goals and write them out means you are probably pretty close to achieving them. Years ago I had made a single page written out about my goals and I would read it every morning, it felt pretty uplifting, not like a to-do list. I think reading it in the morning really does help to reinforce the idea of them.

I haven't officially made a goal list, I know what they are but they remain in my head under a quagmire of depression or anxiety or whatever it is. I feel overwhelmed with almost everything or just don't want to deal with IT.  I feel that I haven't gotten much done. Last week I did go through my clothes and found a bags worth to throw away. Old things not worth the space they take up. Barely made a dent in my clutter though. It's not that I have a lot of stuff, I have a small rental is the real problem.

Sometimes I really do grab old things and start using them again, in fact I am using an old purse now that I was thinking of throwing away. It's all not important though. I can clearly see that I have too much stuff in boxes and it's not organized but it's how it is.

Working through a depressive or anxiety caused fog is really hard, G, I do empathise with you.  It's very difficult to get yourself pepped up and going to try and motivate yourself.  I am taking anti-depressants and beta blockers now as I found I was having to put so much energy in to just getting through the day that I wasn't getting anything else done; I've generally tried to avoid things like that but luckily the side effects haven't been too bad and they seemed to calm me down quite quickly.  It's hard to organise your stuff when you're living in a small space, particularly when it's a rental and you may want/need to move on, it makes it unrealistic to spend a lot of money on shelving and storage.