On reflection, I believe that the joint counselor was/is invested in "their techniques" working rather than fixing the problems. For example, when she told me that I should have talked with my wife and gotten her viewpoint early in my marriage I told her that I did that in a soft spoken, passive body language way. She told me that I obviously could not have. I couldn't have done it "correctly" without the awareness from their Imago retreat. I was offended at the time, but now, I'm thoroughly disgusted. I think that this is why I feel like she sided with my wife. My wife bought into the whole Imago thing and got to claim that I had never done it right before. Yeah, OK forget that I've been mentally and spritually aware my entire life, and forget that I went through 7 years of therapy, and forget all those self-help books I read, and even forget the fact that I thought about my marriage and my wife and what I could do to help improve things WAY more than was healthy, I hadn't taken her class yet!!!! How could I possibly do ANYTHING right without that.
I'm starting to wonder if the counselor has some supressed N tendencies and may feel some sort of bond with my wife or despise me for being the victim all those years. In any event, the counselor completely failed to address the fact that there was (verbal) abuse going on in this relationship and that "standard" couples therapy would be HARMFUL until that was addressed. Now that I've had a couple of weeks of distance, I feel traumatized and missed by the joint counseling, though some good came out of it for me.
I didn't have an emotional grounding growing up. Now I realize that God made me the way I'm supposed to be. There was never anything wrong with me. My parents were not able to give me that message and instead passed on how they felt about themselves, that there was something wrong with them. I feel exactly what I'm supposed to feel. If that's not like anyone else then it makes it that much more rare and valuable. I just did an inner dialogue and invited in the part of me trying to protect me by keeping me ungrounded, distanced, unconnected to the people around me. His name is "bin" ??? and he's 3 years old. He started protecting me after he asked for closeness and was rejected outright by my parents. He has agreed to give up the protection to the adult me and go back to doing what he was made for, pure loving and living. I think the problems I've had over the last day or two were "bin" putting up a last ditch fight to keep me "protected," even though the rest of me was moving toward being open and connected with people around me.
I no longer believe that leaving this marriage is about whether my wife is NPD, BPD, or anything else. I am simply not attracted to her any longer. I don't mean just physically, I mean I just don't see any point to sharing the rest of my life with her. If ALL her issues fell off her this moment, I would feel the same way. The reality is she still has all those issues which makes it even more difficult than it would have to be. Staying, going, or otherwise. This was more about me finding my center than it ever was about her. I think that I've been codependent with her for so long, it took this for me to realize that ITS NOT ABOUT HER!!! Its never been about her. Its about me, and I'm alright. There's nothing wrong with me except that in the past I kept insisting that there was something wrong with me. Unintentional parental brainwashing (UPB). Ooohh! Look at my new acronym!
I can't say that I always enjoy solving my problems and agonizing over the possibilities before taking action. But, this is MY way to work through things. It does work out best for me in the end to pay up front. Don't expect me to stop complaining when I'm in the middle of it, though!
As a child I didn't get to choose my parents or what they taught me or how they related (or didn't) to me. I do get to choose my family now. I choose my daughter because she is just the neatest person I have ever been priveleged to know. I choose the people here who have helped me so much with support and suggestions. I choose a few special friends from work who can empathize and share their own experiences beyond the norm. I'm choosing people at church who are caring, supportive, and accepting. I even choose my parents (when I'm feeling self-sufficient). I've done a lot of work in that area over the years! I choose my cat, who doesn't care what else is going on in my life, he is very direct with his commands. I don't choose "good" people or "perfect" people. I choose people who are willing to risk sharing themselves. Knowing the risks, they are able to appreciate the gift of my sharing as I appreciate theirs.
I own my story, even the parts I don't know about yet. It is painful to put a new chapter into the story. Doing that involves rewriting some of the other chapters to get everything to fit together. When I'm done, the story is giant steps better every time. And best of all, its MY story. Still, my story is the past. I have today to act and tomorrow to choose.
