Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How cosmic is this?
sKePTiKal:
Pay no attention to my outburst of pondering over the popularity and usage of that word, Hops. It's part of some inner processing going on, I think. I still think this situation is an excellent "proof" of how well you've healed, how much you understand about the PD in general... and your ability to stand apart from the interpersonal zone where someone like that can truly hurt you.
I had to laugh about the pieces of paper and not being allowed to make any decisions about them. That's what my mom calls: help me sort & get rid of my stuff. The worst part is - she wants ME to take her crap off her hands. (in the frame of reference of an N, that's an interesting twist, n'est-ce pas?) Mike would do that to a degree, too. But with actual reasons. I think this is the quirk where someone uses the items around them to prop up their self-importance... like the King in his counting house nursery rhyme.
A number of my acquaintances are downsizing; "right sizing" their living situations for their interest and ability to maintain it. We're all running across a common observation about "things" -- what we end up knowing for sure we care about/couldn't care less about -- is revealing about changes in who we are or think we are. At the moment, I'm absolutely positive that there is an Aegean stable's worth of stuff between me and some of my art tools. I spent an hour out in the studio looking for a pencil or a pen... and never did find one. Well - lots of colored pencils. That I horrified myself by considering using them for a list.
Perhaps an idea to introduce to your employer - just drop the "seed" and walk away - is that we can never really know ourselves as long as we desperately cling to the myths & legends we tell ourselves about ourselves - and then support with "things" that "prove" we were - are - might've been those myths in reality.
My pair of manly men yesterday seriously dinged my myth of being self-sufficient quite by accident. The younger of the two, insisted that the suggestions he was giving me - all providing back-up options in the event of some future problem with the system that I could plan for down the road - he was offering up because he tries to "look out for people like me". Yeah, a woman alone... at my age...
LOL. Once upon a time I would've been immediately offended... and come back with an "I'll show you...". Now, I think I was just grateful for the kindness involved in him helping me understand the scope of what I'm taking on - and how it can be made more manageable. It's a new experience to perceive being cared about by guys... but in a way that doesn't require me giving up solitude and space... or ask for something in return.
I'm finding this curious, interesting, and I'm not fighting it. It's not quite what I had in mind, when I consider "man shopping" - LOL - but it just might work out fine.
Twoapenny:
Wow, Hopsie, you really are incredibly strong and resilient, he drove me nuts just reading what you wrote about him :) Lol, and rang so many bells, not just of childhood stuff but of boyfriends and friends along the way who do that nit picking, snidey comment stuff that's always a little bit slippery and difficult to really get hold of and deal with. I think it was the constant drip, drip, drip of wondering 'is it me, is it them, I think it's me'. It does funny things to your brain, but I do think less so when you can see so clearly that it really is them, not you.
I admire you doing ten years of caring for your mum. Ten years of caring for anyone is hard going but ten years with someone who has not always been kind, shall we say, is a real feat of endurance. I could see myself taking my mum out for coffee once a week or running her to the doctor (if my step dad is dead by then, there's no way I'm going round there if he's about) but that would be as far as it went and realistically I think I'd probably not be able to keep it up for long, however much I like to think I've healed. I just know that in her position I'd have started making plans about ten years ago - move somewhere smaller that's a bit nearer facilities (in case of not being able to drive in the future), get involved in local clubs so the loneliness doesn't get too bad (she prefers to moan about not having visitors), look after my health (she drinks more than she eats) and so on. But I know she hasn't done anything like that and I know she's been busying spending as much money as possible as she assumed my sister would look after her should the time come and that she wouldn't need to pay for care. I think for me it is more of a thought than a reality, lol, although I do genuinely hope she has a tiny moment of realisation at some point that a little bit of effort would have changed a great deal.
Anyway I hope you can cope with this new employer without draining yourself too much and kudos to you for getting on with it; I think many would have run for the door :) x
Twoapenny:
Scrap what I said about taking my mum out for coffee one day! I was looking at pictures of my sister's kids on Facebook and my mum had written a whole load of stuff that sent me through the roof! Nothing directed at me, but her usual poor me, what a victim, no-one's ever had it as hard as she has blah blah blah, I nearly bust a gut :) Obviously my thoughts that I would be able to tolerate her in small doses one day are based on the fact that I haven't seen her for ten years and I'd forgotten what a nightmare she is, lol. Hopsie you deserve a medal, you truly do, I am going to keep my fingers crossed that you find a nice somebody that needs a bit of help they are happy to pay for and who will value you for the truly wonderful person that you are :) x
Hopalong:
My employer was feeling energetic today (it's sunny and he slept well) so he decided he only needs me for half the hours. Cut my income in half. I am so clearly the hired help. He refused to set me up as a household employee (Nanny tax issue) so I won't qualify for unemployment if he cans me entirely.
Incredibly self-absorbed person and I don't find it fun. But I do/did need the work and do feel jerked around.
He has a heart procedure in two weeks and is fooling himself, but wants me "on call" yet won't commit to a minimum. Not pleasant.
Grrrrr. Just wanted to vent. Will be looking for other clients.
:(
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 06, 2017, 02:35:24 PM ---My employer was feeling energetic today (it's sunny and he slept well) so he decided he only needs me for half the hours. Cut my income in half. I am so clearly the hired help. He refused to set me up as a household employee (Nanny tax issue) so I won't qualify for unemployment if he cans me entirely.
Incredibly self-absorbed person and I don't find it fun. But I do/did need the work and do feel jerked around.
He has a heart procedure in two weeks and is fooling himself, but wants me "on call" yet won't commit to a minimum. Not pleasant.
Grrrrr. Just wanted to vent. Will be looking for other clients.
:(
Hops
--- End quote ---
That sounds very like the zero hours system that we have over here, Hops, it's destroying people. I don't know if you call it the same thing but basically it's working for someone without any assurances on their part of how many hours you work (which of course makes budgeting impossible) and, of course, shows a complete lack of respect for the employee and the work they are putting in. I hope you find someone/something else soon.
Can you pay the tax yourself? I don't know how similar your systems are to ours (and I'm very out of date with our own!). But no safety net is hard to cope with. Rocks and hard places. I'm having a word with the fairy of good fortune, you have had far too much nonsense to deal with and I'm not happy about it xx
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