Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Twoapenny:
I'm suspecting the answer will be just to keep chipping away at it but I thought I'd post just in case anyone had a miracle cure I'm not aware of :)
Stress is having a quite profound and very negative effect on my health and I can't dismiss it any longer as a bit of a stage I'm going through. I think the main reason is that my son's needs and my own are very different and it just isn't possible for both of us to be healthy. If I live the way that makes me happy he gets ill, if I live the way that makes him happy, I get ill. Longer term I'll be looking into residential care for him but that won't be for a while yet (and there will no doubt be a fight for funding to get it as well).
Some examples: It was beautiful and sunny this morning. I went out into our lovely garden with my coffee and sat in the sun watching the birds and the clouds, having a stroke with next door's cat and generally feeling very happy and content. My son can't be left on his own indoors for longer than twenty minutes. I can get round that by popping back in every twenty minutes to check on him, plus he can call me from the kitchen window if he needs me. But the other problem is that there was a lot to get on with indoors and a lot I needed to do with him. If I sit and relax it's lovely but then I get stressed about the work that doesn't get done. If I do the work then I don't relax and I feel stressed because of that.
We were going to go into town but the van wouldn't start. I bought the van as a hobby, a learning opportunity and something to improve both our lives because we'd be able to get out and about more. She still needs a lot of work and sometimes feels more of a hindrance than a help. I do still want to have her; long term I think she's still a good vehicle to have. We walked into the village, which was lovely, but I have to push him in his wheelchair, which is tiring. I've hurt my wrist from pushing him about so that is painful, as are my neck and shoulders. We went into the cafe - I'm trying to mingle a bit and try things out. It was very nice and it turns out our next door neighbour works there and she's lovely, so that was really good. It was also very expensive, so it isn't somewhere we'll be going to very often. We got chatting to another lady in the park on the way home who told me about a community cafe that's very cheap and sells very nice home made cakes so we will be going there in future. That was really nice too, but what I'm aware of is that when I chat to people a sort of panic sets in and takes over straight away that I am boring them, that they don't want to talk but they are tolerating me, that I shouldn't take up too much of their time, talk too much and so on. It's almost a blind panic in my mind and it isn't until after the chat when I'm on my own again that I realise how panicky it makes me. I also feel constantly on alert to protect my son; from abuse, from strangers staring, from people making rude and inappropriate comments. It doesn't happen very often, certainly not often enough for me to feel as protective of him as I do (and he's pretty capable of standing his own ground these days anyway). But I still feel very tense and anxious when we're out, so I have the stress of that when we go out (as well as the practical difficulties) but equally if we stay at home I find it stressful because I get so lonely.
That's probably enough for now! I've worn myself out typing :) I'm just trying to keep chipping away at it but I just find it so tiring at times.
lighter:
((((Tupp))))
I get what you're saying.... so very much.
You're in a doubling bind with business of caring for your son/self. They're both necessary. You can't do them perfectly.
Sometimes when I'm stressed it's impossible to think outside the box. If what I'm doing isn't working, the logical conclusion is that I have to come up with a better plan, and find a way to put it in place. That means I have to STOP acting out of habit/survival mode. I have to explore changes. Part of the process is being aware and taking stock. I can't do that when I'm operating out of fear and exhaustion. I can't.
My girls aren't defenseless young children any longer, just as your son is growing up, and gaining strength. Yes, our children have needs...... my oldest is healing, and your son has ongoing needs, but..... how much help do they need, and how can we accurately gage the level of help/trying to fix them is healthy. We help them get stronger too when we're on target, seeing what's in front of us NOW, and not in the past.
Have we fully evaluated and internalized the changes in our children? Can we step out of protective mama bear mode long enough to SEE the truth? I sure hope so.... I'm trying. That particular subject resonates with me deeply right now, as does the self care piece.
I do believe you and I are operating from a hyper vigilant state..... for years this is true. Too many years. Maybe this time, if we find a way to stop being so vigilant.... we won't get smacked in the chops THIS TIME? It wasn't true for years, but now?
We're like Pavlov's dogs..... we've been conditioned.
Unlearning..... finding new habits, and putting them in place.... just so difficult, and esp if we're beating ourselves up for not being able to just make changes. SO not helpful, and we both do that.... I know we do.
I think part of it is the trauma trapped in our skin, organs, and bones. We can intellectualize all day long, but if it's IN our cells.... we have to find other ways to approach the tender spots, and remove them, IME. I think trauma lives in everyone's bodies, btw. Not just ours.
I'm researching Somatic Therapy right now..... along with the Brain Integration, and I'm hopeful about it. I speak with a T every two weeks who shares a similar history.... she actually divorced her ASPD. It's helpful, and she's all about the Somatic T.
I'm letting panic wash over me as it comes..... trying to do nothing when it hits..... waiting for pressure to release, if just a bit, and it always does, IME. Learning to withstand the discomfort long enough to think clearly again, so I can shift to creative solutions. I try to think outside the box. I try to find who I was, inside, and pull her back into the light..... ask her for help. I need her. I miss her. I need her strength and fearlessness.
It's difficult to be hopeful consistently. I'm sure it's a roller coaster for you as well.
There's a lot of fear, I'm realizing. more than I want to admit. I find it shameful have so much fear. It's debilitating though.... I have to face it, and work it out. What's the truth, and what can I do about it? What do I have to let go of, and just accept?
As for you and self care, my dear...... I'm guessing sleep is something you need and choose over getting up before your son wakes? I'm wondering if getting up early, doing yoga/something endorphin producing, even if it costs you something in the short term... might lead to feeling better in the long run?
I'm wondering if you can apply for a motorized wheel chair to lower the physical strain your body takes? There's been so many changes in your son's condition/dx. CAN you ask for that? Perhaps our son would be served well in that case? Perhaps not. I don't know... just throwing it out there. Very often they're for sale, used, (or at Goodwill) around here.
Perhaps you and your son could find a new rhythm for the breaks you need for yourself? Longer...... without expectation they'll happen over night, but something to work towards? Change is so hard, and Spring is on it's way. Perhaps he can go into the garden with you, and work into new habits from there? I can imagine change for him is quite upsetting..... it's never going to be easy. It's always a struggle, and costs energy you don't have.
I know we need our best selves to find solutions..... less fear and panic. It's hard to come from a place of exhaustion, and paralysis... hard to improve situations, IME. I wonder if one of your new neighbors could help you brain storm? You deserve some support and fellowship around this, IMO, Tupp. Maybe you won't always have to do everything yourself? Maybe you can find some respite you didn't have before in this new place with such nice people? Groups for support and help... are there any in your neighborhood?
How to let go of the old thought patterns, and embrace new habits/thoughts to improve our health, and ability to respond?
OK... lets do this. Let's pat ourselves on the back for being present, protective mothers who care deeply, as a priority, for our children.
::pat pat pat::
We get that, and it's ours..... that belongs to us.
Now that they're growing up, what are their needs? I think we have to find that truth, and begin with that piece perhaps?
::sending Tupp reassurance that things will get better with perseverance::
I promise.....
for both of us, ((((Tupp))))
Lighter
Hopalong:
MORE LATER, but we need an electric wheelchair for this boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grants? Can you claim it's physically impossible for you to continue pushing him? Surely there's some resource fund somehwere? Can you write a letter to a wheelchair manufacturer and ask for help acquiring one?
This makes me mad.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 07, 2017, 04:28:55 PM ---MORE LATER, but we need an electric wheelchair for this boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grants? Can you claim it's physically impossible for you to continue pushing him? Surely there's some resource fund somehwere? Can you write a letter to a wheelchair manufacturer and ask for help acquiring one?
This makes me mad.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
It's in the pipeline, Hopsie, but it's a looooong process and ,as always with us, my son doesn't fit neatly into any particular boxes; he can walk (and some days he can walk well) but he can't walk a long way every day (or more specifically, he can but then can't do anything else for the rest of the week). So he falls between the cracks of all the different systems that are in place. You can apply for funding via a charity but you have to have been told 'No' by the various public sector departments before a charity will look at your application and it's waiting for everyone else to do their bit that takes up so much time! I am keeping my fingers crossed that if they can get his epilepsy under control then the walking will improve anyway but unfortunately so are they which is why they are reluctant to help in the meantime! We will keep at it, though :) x
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on February 07, 2017, 02:06:31 PM ---((((Tupp))))
I get what you're saying.... so very much.
You're in a doubling bind with business of caring for your son/self. They're both necessary. You can't do them perfectly.
Sometimes when I'm stressed it's impossible to think outside the box. If what I'm doing isn't working, the logical conclusion is that I have to come up with a better plan, and find a way to put it in place. That means I have to STOP acting out of habit/survival mode. I have to explore changes. Part of the process is being aware and taking stock. I can't do that when I'm operating out of fear and exhaustion. I can't.
My girls aren't defenseless young children any longer, just as your son is growing up, and gaining strength. Yes, our children have needs...... my oldest is healing, and your son has ongoing needs, but..... how much help do they need, and how can we accurately gage the level of help/trying to fix them is healthy. We help them get stronger too when we're on target, seeing what's in front of us NOW, and not in the past.
Have we fully evaluated and internalized the changes in our children? Can we step out of protective mama bear mode long enough to SEE the truth? I sure hope so.... I'm trying. That particular subject resonates with me deeply right now, as does the self care piece.
I do believe you and I are operating from a hyper vigilant state..... for years this is true. Too many years. Maybe this time, if we find a way to stop being so vigilant.... we won't get smacked in the chops THIS TIME? It wasn't true for years, but now?
We're like Pavlov's dogs..... we've been conditioned.
Unlearning..... finding new habits, and putting them in place.... just so difficult, and esp if we're beating ourselves up for not being able to just make changes. SO not helpful, and we both do that.... I know we do.
I think part of it is the trauma trapped in our skin, organs, and bones. We can intellectualize all day long, but if it's IN our cells.... we have to find other ways to approach the tender spots, and remove them, IME. I think trauma lives in everyone's bodies, btw. Not just ours.
I'm researching Somatic Therapy right now..... along with the Brain Integration, and I'm hopeful about it. I speak with a T every two weeks who shares a similar history.... she actually divorced her ASPD. It's helpful, and she's all about the Somatic T.
I'm letting panic wash over me as it comes..... trying to do nothing when it hits..... waiting for pressure to release, if just a bit, and it always does, IME. Learning to withstand the discomfort long enough to think clearly again, so I can shift to creative solutions. I try to think outside the box. I try to find who I was, inside, and pull her back into the light..... ask her for help. I need her. I miss her. I need her strength and fearlessness.
It's difficult to be hopeful consistently. I'm sure it's a roller coaster for you as well.
There's a lot of fear, I'm realizing. more than I want to admit. I find it shameful have so much fear. It's debilitating though.... I have to face it, and work it out. What's the truth, and what can I do about it? What do I have to let go of, and just accept?
As for you and self care, my dear...... I'm guessing sleep is something you need and choose over getting up before your son wakes? I'm wondering if getting up early, doing yoga/something endorphin producing, even if it costs you something in the short term... might lead to feeling better in the long run?
I'm wondering if you can apply for a motorized wheel chair to lower the physical strain your body takes? There's been so many changes in your son's condition/dx. CAN you ask for that? Perhaps our son would be served well in that case? Perhaps not. I don't know... just throwing it out there. Very often they're for sale, used, (or at Goodwill) around here.
Perhaps you and your son could find a new rhythm for the breaks you need for yourself? Longer...... without expectation they'll happen over night, but something to work towards? Change is so hard, and Spring is on it's way. Perhaps he can go into the garden with you, and work into new habits from there? I can imagine change for him is quite upsetting..... it's never going to be easy. It's always a struggle, and costs energy you don't have.
I know we need our best selves to find solutions..... less fear and panic. It's hard to come from a place of exhaustion, and paralysis... hard to improve situations, IME. I wonder if one of your new neighbors could help you brain storm? You deserve some support and fellowship around this, IMO, Tupp. Maybe you won't always have to do everything yourself? Maybe you can find some respite you didn't have before in this new place with such nice people? Groups for support and help... are there any in your neighborhood?
How to let go of the old thought patterns, and embrace new habits/thoughts to improve our health, and ability to respond?
OK... lets do this. Let's pat ourselves on the back for being present, protective mothers who care deeply, as a priority, for our children.
::pat pat pat::
We get that, and it's ours..... that belongs to us.
Now that they're growing up, what are their needs? I think we have to find that truth, and begin with that piece perhaps?
::sending Tupp reassurance that things will get better with perseverance::
I promise.....
for both of us, ((((Tupp))))
Lighter
--- End quote ---
I've nodded my head all the way through that, Lighter! It's the getting out of survival mode thing that I think I stumble on. Take yoga, for example. I did get up earlier to do it today and it does feel good and I do try to do it when I can. But I also find because it releases stress, tension and various unpleasant things (as does detoxifying my diet, cutting out caffeine and so on) it can also make me feel unwell, unhappy, focus more on the lack in my life (if I'm stressed my mind focuses on that; if I'm relaxed I start wanting to go out, have a boyfriend, have a mum who loves me and so on). So it's that see sawing back and forth; do a bit, struggle a bit, do a bit more.
A friend came over last night; not a particularly close friend but someone I've known since I was a kid, a nice bloke, generally quite caring and easy to get along with. It was the first time he'd visited my new flat and the first time I've seen him for quite a while. He knew I had a cold so he'd bought cold and flu stuff with him and throat sweets, that sort of thing. Nice gesture, but he'd asked me if I needed anything before he came by and I'd said no, so I felt like he wasn't listening to me. We don't have any carpet on the stairs yet and as he walked up them (it's a first floor flat so you come in and go straight up the stairs) he said, sarcastically, "Nice flooring" and then went on to critique the windows and start telling me how I ought to decorate, recommended a carpet fitter for me (the last person he recommended to me for something was awful and cost me a fortune so I'm definitely not taking any more recommendations!) and then started talking about places we can visit over the summer and where we ought to go and I just got more and more fed up but didn't know what to do. He intersperses this with offers of help, friendly chit chat and a bit of banter, but also kept touching my knee. I think that's where I struggle with the survival mode; my brain just seems to freeze. This morning I got up in a mood and was thinking about it all. At first I'm hard on myself, thinking I should appreciate the fact that he came over, he was kind enough to buy medicines, he's offering to help. But the more I thought about the more I felt that he's unnecessarily critical (comments on the lack of stair carpet but doesn't mention the lovely pictures on the wall, my prayer flags, the unit that I put together myself, the plants on top of it, the scarves and hats I've hung along the banister that make it look cosy and homely), is making decisions about how I should spend my time (I have a million ideas of how I want to spend my time and don't need any help on that score!) and that he SHOULDN'T BE TOUCHING MY BLOODY LEG!! And I just wish now that I'd been able to feel all of this last night and deal with it at the time but there still seems to be a big delay between something happening and my brain responding :)
Anyway, I'm rambling again and need to go and get groceries so will check back in later (but yes, you are right, it is necessary to notice and accept our kids growing and their needs changing and I am struggling with that. I still feel that I need to protect him all the time and it really isn't the case anymore).
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