Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
lighter:
That's so true, Hops. They aren't pleased, and to me it feels like an act of aggression. It's partially my NEEEEED for everyone to be OK... I get that my interpretation is the problem. Not the response.
What's new about people not being pleased is.....I have no interest in explaining, or helping them understand.
Instead I'm paying attention to any boundary stomping I MIGHT BE DOING which helps me hold compassion for them, but.... I don't think I can fix them, or soften the blow of my dropping that rope.
I tend to turn away when my boundaries are stomped, and just end the conversation, interaction, whatever.... they'll get the message, or they'll fade away.
I suppose it's likely my turning away is seen as violence. I don't know where I read that silence is the most violent thing you can do to someone..... paraphrasing there, but it changed the way I view anyone giving the cold shoulder to anyone else....... not my style typically to give the cold shoulder. It's not my intention when I break off contact with people crossing boundaries... it's a little confusing right now.
I used to be very careful about letting people know I wasn't leaving a conversation unfinished... just taking a break from it..... I don't know that I do that anymore.
I think I'm more likely to end the discussion without acknowledging I'm aware of their displeasure, hence... not needing them to understand, or agree.... give me permission.... make me feel OK about their response. And that wasn't always possible. It's a relief to at least wrap my mind around it, and be able to turn away.... at least for a moment of peace. If they don't understand now, they likely can't or never will, and I can be OK with that too. It's better to choose withdrawal with love, and receive peace.... better than letting them cross boundaries and enduring. Better than feeling guilty, and responsible and guilty.
::nodding::
Now that DD16 is coming home.... I have to revisit my people pleasing behaviors, and really work on building the relationship I want to have with her, sans my need to please/fix/make everyone OK. From her research and healing journey she's identified me as a bit like a man... I try to FIX things when she vents to me. I can't just listen. Well... I'm working on it.
I'm aware I haven't finished processing some aspects of past damage in our relationship. I want to move forward fresh, and be very confident it's behind us. She doesn't want to be part of that process, which makes me sad. I'll figure out how to do it, and how to feel OK about her not wanting to be a part of it, but.... she's been utilizing ritual at her Boarding school, and I thought it would be a wonderful thing for us to sort out together... I felt she would have some great ideas about how to do it. She doesn't. At least not now.
I'm paying attention to my neeeeed, and to her responses so I don't cross boundaries with her. She's not responsible for how I feel, and I have to be mindful about not feeling responsible for how she feels.
Oh dear... this is how change happens. In mulled over increments of hard won territories, and that's OK.
And Tupp.... I think you'd love my Snoopie dance. I think you'd do one too :D
My youngest dd14 can be counted on for one of two responses....
she joins in
OR
recoils in mortification, depending on mood.
She helped me in the yard today. I feel as though I'm gaining some ground in the yard of mossy heaven (to be.) DD wrestled with two big wheelbarrows of mulch and only squeaked twice when a spider, and then a little green, worm crawled on her.
She would have freaked out if a cicada had landed on her. They're all over the place, and LOUD.... at first I thought the buzz might be in my head... no one was talking about it. They're not the beautiful big green ones I'm used to. They're little black fly looking things with beady read eyes. I thought the yard had been churned up in places by the moles, but alas.... it's the plague of the cicadas.
::scratch scratch scratch::..
Today I've determined the moles are no longer my friends. I found the pug nudging a dead one, AND they're likely the reason my ailing ground cover is ailing around the porch.
::going to read the label on the grub killer::
Maybe I'll just do the beds.... you wouldn't believe the size and number of grubs in my yard. SO many.... so fat.
::scratch scratch scratch::
I have to admit I screamed like a little girl when a cicada flew by my face and landed on my shoulder.
They really look like BIG evil flies.
Lighter
Hopalong:
But, really.... I think he's GORGEOUS.
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/MSNBC/Components/Slideshows/_production/ss-130410-cicada-invasion/ss-130410-cicada-invasion-tease.jpg
:)
Hops
lighter:
During our early morning walk a big fat rain drop fell out of the sky....... plopped right at my feet.
On closer inspection we found a struggle, belly up cicada..... of course it was striped like a great big hornet.
I really don't like the black ones.
Twoapenny:
Well I had no idea what a cicada was, and now that I've seen Hopsie's photo of one I'm not sure I want to meet one!
Lighter, I have a tendency to try and fix rather than just listen. Sometimes I think if you've been through a lot you end up with quite a lot of ideas about how to fix things and it's hard to keep them to yourself. I also wonder if mine is to compensate for the fact that no-one tried to fix anything for me when I was younger so I had to work it all out on my own. I've often wondered what it would have been like if I'd had a wise, caring, benevolent mother with a lot of life experience who could have helped me through some of those rough spots. So sometimes I think I try to give people what I wish I'd had. I think I'm also aware that if people don't offer my thoughts or advice I feel like I don't care. Maybe the fact that your DD just wants you to listen means that she feels strong enough and loved enough to work it out on her own and knows that if she makes a mistake you'll still be there for her? I don't think we had that as kids.
I don't think silence is an abusive thing when you yourself are dealing with an abusive person; I think in some cases it's the only way you can manage a situation without getting dragged back into it over and over again. I feel like I'm too tired these days to have to explain to someone something that seems blindingly obvious to me. I feel too tired for a lot of things these days :)
But in other news - boundary setting has carried on! I have a couple of birthdays coming up, a friend's husband and an unreliable friend, who I've mentioned before. I decided I was just going to buy each a small, inexpensive gift and not make a big deal out of it, simply because I'd rather have the money for myself and my son. The friend's husband I wouldn't be in touch with at all if it weren't for the friend and the unreliable friend is, well, unreliable and I can't be bothered to trapse around looking for the perfect gift for someone who hasn't bothered to phone for two months. Didn't feel guilty; in fact felt quite pleased that I managed to find something quickly and easily.
I went to start my little cleaning job this evening, got there only to be told the hours are much later than I had been led to believe so I said I couldn't do it. They tried to get me to change my mind but I said no and went home again and felt pleased that I haven't agreed to something that would become an absolute nightmare to do.
My sister had a reading done from a pic of me and her with our dad when we were little and sent me the info she was given; what a load of rubbish. Have told her, politely, that what she's been told is nothing like I remember. Haven't heard back from her but again am feeling content with myself for not agreeing to it all (it read like a fishing expedition to me, no information that made you think 'how could she have known that'; it was things like 'I think he's a relative - maybe a dad, or grandad, or uncle' - covering all the bases!
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on May 12, 2017, 04:21:58 PM ---Well I had no idea what a cicada was, and now that I've seen Hopsie's photo of one I'm not sure I want to meet one! They really look like giant hornets when they're on their backs. And they're too small to be the cicadas I'm familiar with..... the lovely spring green ones. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and my yard is shot full of more holes this morning after last night's rain. They just keep coming.
Lighter, I have a tendency to try and fix rather than just listen. Sometimes I think if you've been through a lot you end up with quite a lot of ideas about how to fix things and it's hard to keep them to yourself. I also wonder if mine is to compensate for the fact that no-one tried to fix anything for me when I was younger so I had to work it all out on my own. I've often wondered what it would have been like if I'd had a wise, caring, benevolent mother with a lot of life experience who could have helped me through some of those rough spots. So sometimes I think I try to give people what I wish I'd had. I think I'm also aware that if people don't offer my thoughts or advice I feel like I don't care. Maybe the fact that your DD just wants you to listen means that she feels strong enough and loved enough to work it out on her own and knows that if she makes a mistake you'll still be there for her? I don't think we had that as kids. I think I filled a role for my mother.... and so did my sister.... that we became the keeper of her emotions at the expense of our own individual feelings. We're both problem solvers for others and doing doing doing for others. It's time to stop, and observe this, as we can, and just stop, IME. Without judgement, and without becoming overwhelmed... just to sit. I don't know if my sister can do that, but I'm certainly trying.
I don't think silence is an abusive thing when you yourself are dealing with an abusive person; I think in some cases it's the only way you can manage a situation without getting dragged back into it over and over again. I feel like I'm too tired these days to have to explain to someone something that seems blindingly obvious to me. I feel too tired for a lot of things these days :) I think I've figured out some deeper dynamics, within my FOO, to offer some helpful, or potentially helpful information, as I withdrawal in some of the relationships. I don't have to be silent.... I can speak my piece, and not feel the desire to explain, but just give information. Then I'll have to be careful about getting hooked into conversations that aren't productive, which will bring more growth as I see it.
But in other news - boundary setting has carried on! I have a couple of birthdays coming up, a friend's husband and an unreliable friend, who I've mentioned before. I decided I was just going to buy each a small, inexpensive gift and not make a big deal out of it, simply because I'd rather have the money for myself and my son. The friend's husband I wouldn't be in touch with at all if it weren't for the friend and the unreliable friend is, well, unreliable and I can't be bothered to trapse around looking for the perfect gift for someone who hasn't bothered to phone for two months. Didn't feel guilty; in fact felt quite pleased that I managed to find something quickly and easily.It's the feeling pleased about it that's so triumphant, IME. When it all makes sense, and you have peace with it.... THEN you've grown beyond DOING DOING DOING to feel OK?
I heard something the other day..... "Don't just DO SOMETHING, Sit there." I loved it as it references breaking our cycles, and habits. You didn't sit, you purchased gifts appropriate to the relationship AND took care of yourself and your son FIRST this time.
I went to start my little cleaning job this evening, got there only to be told the hours are much later than I had been led to believe so I said I couldn't do it. They tried to get me to change my mind but I said no and went home again and felt pleased that I haven't agreed to something that would become an absolute nightmare to do. I feel like you're triumphantly riding a bucking bronco, and keeping your seat as you enforce simple boundaries, and feel no regret! YES! Go Tupp: )
My sister had a reading done from a pic of me and her with our dad when we were little and sent me the info she was given; what a load of rubbish. Have told her, politely, that what she's been told is nothing like I remember. Haven't heard back from her but again am feeling content with myself for not agreeing to it all (it read like a fishing expedition to me, no information that made you think 'how could she have known that'; it was things like 'I think he's a relative - maybe a dad, or grandad, or uncle' - covering all the bases! I remember a good friend of mine giving advice to me...... "Consider the source, and dismiss." It was very good advice.
I recently had a friend send a pic of me and my girls for a reading.... sort of voo doo stuff...... and the outcome was that I was cursed, and my children were not. Real or not, it feels that way sometimes, though I can clearly see how my choices are at the heart of things, rather than any curse. Light/color]
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