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How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Bettyanne on May 23, 2017, 06:36:17 PM ---Wow....Twoapenny.....OMG being through abuse and thinking your T was talking about someone else!!! How sad is that...I knew nothing felt good to me from my NM and her mother....but my dad was kind but he was also from a abusive family or dysfunctional family both fit. My dad's family totally unkind people. My dad told me his dad had broken a broom stick over his back and hurt his mother because she was trying to protect him. I think my dad didn't see anything wrong with my mother because of what he came from. Abusive is abuse is abuse....on top of dysfunctional people.
I knew NM had something wrong with her when I would go to friends homes. The other mothers cooked and cleaned their homes and even went to the grocery store to buy food. Mine hated to do any of what I mentioned but acted like she was so smart because she was a secretary to men at Travelers Insurance Co. I figured out she worked for minimum wage and had a eighth grade education with a year of business school. Considering her mother went to 3 reader in Ireland she was brilliant. I was told from my a cousin on my father's side they considered her brilliant. OMG
It truly takes a lifetime and with NM dying at 100 she went the whole 9 yards....and it was like she knew it too!!
Thank you so much for your kind responses......Bettyanne
--- End quote ---
Yes I know, it seems funny now to think of it but at the time I really thought she was talking about someone else.
It's interesting what you say about your mum's work and her being thought brilliant because it was more than her mum had achieved, because I've often wondered how much the generational changes play a part in this, in the way that education and opportunities were so much more lacking for so many in times gone past. I know that my mum's generation were just expected to get married and you got your status through your husband and how much money he earnt, basically. Similarly with education, here in the UK there was no question of working class women going into higher education, they did their basic schooling and then went to be nurses or secretaries and that was pretty much the only choice (or cleaning ladies, that was the other one). I do wonder how much resentment and bitterness that must have caused in people.
Your dad's upbringing sounds horrible and it sort of makes sense that someone who experienced physical abuse wouldn't see verbal or behavioural stuff as abusive, if you see what I mean, they're used to something much more direct and immediate. It's very sad :(
Twoapenny:
I've had one of those lightbulb moments again. I've complained many times about friends not being good friends and not supporting me and so on, and how much it's hurt me etc etc. I've been thinking about it a lot, in the sense that I needed to stop thinking about it, if that makes sense, lol, I kept wondering why it's bothered me so much and why I couldn't shake it off.
I asked myself this morning whether I'd have been friends with most of those people if my life had taken a different turn - if I hadn't had my son in the circumstances I did, if he hadn't been disabled, if I'd followed my chosen career path instead of giving it up and so on. And the answer, in almost every case, was no. I have, for many years, been thinking that there must be a reason that things have happened the way they have, and it must be that I'm supposed to be in this situation for whatever reason, and so these people are part of that. But I woke up this morning and thought, that's just nonsense. I'm not happy and it is down to me to change the situation rather than accepting it and trying to be happy within it.
I'm not the sort of person that frets over certain things making me happy - clothes, how my hair looks, whether I got my nails done, that sort of thing. But I am definitely very affected by the lack of things in my life and I think I've been too complacent in accepting my situation and trying to be happy within it (and by default, being happy with friends who I wouldn't have in my life if I hadn't ended up living here on a low income, quite honestly). It feels like a weight off my shoulders and I'm wondering, as always, why it's taken me so long to see it.
Hopalong:
I find I'm longing for that relief now. It's not something I will act on, obviously, and I wondered if it means the anger I feel is finally dissipating (as I generally find with me that once my anger subsides I find there is sorrow and sadness underneath it).
I think that is so perceptive and mature, Tupp. It really helps, imo, to see the sorrow beneath anger. Just seems to be a more seasoned understanding of your own humanity -- even hers. So glad you won't act on it, but so impressed that you can own the feelings. Without them becoming impulses you act on.
(And heck YEAH you deserve some kindly, maternal love! If it has to be self love, it takes more effort, I know. But at least you are identifying and respecting your own longings and needs. Good for you. It does feel sad, to touch those childhood hurts. But it's also okay. That was then and wow, where you have gotten to....)
I've been having a funny experience with two old ladies I'm also working for now, intermittently. They are both very sweet (though one's a mixed bag) and always inquiring after me, delighted by every anecdote I share, insisting I eat pie, calingl me dear (one calls out "I love you!" every time I leave). They are starved to be with a younger person and it's ironic. Here I am at 67 being the "child" in moments to doting people in their 90s. Suddenly at this age, I'm experiencing maternal attention that's much more affectionate than my own mother was capable of.
?What the heck! I guess you're never too old for your inner child to receive some of what she needs....
I hope you'll practice steadily on loving your inner girl, and that soon 3D others will appear in your life who offer love, too. Meanwhile, here's some love from me!
xxoo
Hops
Twoapenny:
Aw thank you, Hops, for the kind words and the love, always much appreciated :)
I do like the idea of your ladies mothering you a bit, it is nice to get affection and genuine pleasure from people. Always nice to feel wanted :)
I've had a funny couple of days, I feel a bit like I'm sort of shedding some stuff? It's hard to put a clear description on but I had the funny thing about wanting to apologise to my mum, and this last couple of days I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't. I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot. What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what. And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic. It had me in a bit of a spin but I have done pretty well with some yoga and a nice walk rather than mountains of biscuits.
I met up with an old school friend today, we've recently got back in touch after twenty five years of not knowing where the other one was and something was just tingling my antennae. I can't quite put my finger on it but I came away feeling a little bit out of sorts and wondering if another foray into the past is a good idea. Quite possibly not.
Lots of love to you too, Hopsie (and pooch!) xx
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
If the friend was a positive person, with good memories attached, then consider re connecting perhaps.
If thing aren't super friendly, and feel just right.... perhaps not.
It seems like it's one more contact to inform your FOO about where you are, and what you're doing... even if it's by accident, IME.
Really ask yourself... if this feels good and right, and positive.
It's OK to say NO to people who show up at the wrong time or aren't what you really need in your life, etc. It's OK to ask for more, and expect more from people (((Tupp.)))
Don't ask, don't get, IME.
Lighter
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