Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on May 28, 2017, 05:21:17 PM ---Hi Tupp:
If the friend was a positive person, with good memories attached, then consider re connecting perhaps.
If thing aren't super friendly, and feel just right.... perhaps not.
It seems like it's one more contact to inform your FOO about where you are, and what you're doing... even if it's by accident, IME.
Really ask yourself... if this feels good and right, and positive.
It's OK to say NO to people who show up at the wrong time or aren't what you really need in your life, etc. It's OK to ask for more, and expect more from people (((Tupp.)))
Don't ask, don't get, IME.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Hi Lighter, yep, it was a funny one. I've met her three times, the first two occasions were so lovely, I was really excited because I felt like I could make a new friend. Last time she was like a different person, seemed quite hostile to the world and made several 'jokes' at my expense. I love banter and I'm not a shrinking violet myself when it comes to jokes but I've become finely tuned over the years and I know the difference between a joke and a dig and my antennae were pinging. But it was very different to how she'd been the previous times so may have just been a bad day. I think I'm going to meet up with her again and see how it goes. If the most recent visit is a sign of things to come then I will avoid :) Kind of feel alright about it as well - sort of more relieved that I can see it coming quicker now? In the past I've found myself very enmeshed with someone before I've realised I'm in a pattern again, now it seems to come quicker :) How are things with you? x
Hopalong:
My unvarnished, not-awake-yet response, fwiw:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Doesn't mean I'm correct in this instance but I do believe that the
FIRST "dig" or "joke at your expense" IS NOT 'HAVING A BAD DAY.'
It's the person showing you who they are.
As Maya Angelou said, "When a person tells you who they are, believe them."
Maybe it's your healthy functioning spidey sense, Tupp.
Don't go rationalizing it away, eh?
I could be wrong, of course, but hope you won't either feel paranoid if you decide to continue
to see this person, or feel guilty if you decide to avoid building a possibly hurtful friendship.
I'm totally confident you'll sort it out.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on May 29, 2017, 09:35:09 AM ---My unvarnished, not-awake-yet response, fwiw:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Doesn't mean I'm correct in this instance but I do believe that the
FIRST "dig" or "joke at your expense" IS NOT 'HAVING A BAD DAY.'
It's the person showing you who they are.
As Maya Angelou said, "When a person tells you who they are, believe them."
Maybe it's your healthy functioning spidey sense, Tupp.
Don't go rationalizing it away, eh?
I could be wrong, of course, but hope you won't either feel paranoid if you decide to continue
to see this person, or feel guilty if you decide to avoid building a possibly hurtful friendship.
I'm totally confident you'll sort it out.
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Lol, Hops you are so funny when you're in 'direct speaking' mode :)
In all honesty I suspect I am seeing her as she really is and that the previous occasions were different because she was making more of an effort. But having said that I've been feeling pretty crabby and spiky lately hence my benefit of the doubt approach. But it's fine either way. I am going to meet up with her again and I'm quite interested in how that goes. If it doesn't go well then I won't feel bad about not taking it further. If it does turn out it was just an off day then fair enough. I'll see what happens. But all good either way. It feels quite nice because I feel like I've kind of taken the risk to get to know someone (I know I knew her at school but who you are at fifteen can be very different to who you are at 45 so it feels like getting to know someone now) but gone into it with an open mind and if it isn't right, it will be no more. I will keep you all updated! Thank you xx
PS I love Maya Angelou! :)
lighter:
I agree with Hops here.....
never make the first excuse for someone's bad behavior.
That goes doubly if it's pointed AT you, IME.
If you have to see her again, you could let her know that you weren't comfortable with the digs, and you can't be friends if it happens again.
Or not; )
Lighter
JustKathy:
--- Quote ---I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't. I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot. What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what. And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic.
--- End quote ---
I visit that "what if" place all the time. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I can't help thinking about it, almost obsessing over it. I know, without a doubt, that my life would have been SO much different if I had been allowed to develop normally, encouraged to pursue my talents, allowed to take the music and drama classes I wanted instead of the chemistry classes I was forced into, taught proper social skills, and like you, given the self-respect to hold out for normal love rather than settling for whatever came along, even if it were toxic.
I look back on my early career and am so envious of my "normal" co-workers who were raised in fuctional households. They all went to college after high school, and were hired into good jobs at the studio, while I slogged away in the mailroom, waiting until I was 30 years old before I could afford to send myself to college. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time, I feel like I have a right to mourn the life I was denied. A stronger person could have gotten past most of those obstacles, but when you're tossed out at 18 with no self-esteem, underdeveloped social skills, and various other emotional issues ...well, I just never had a chance. Did any of us? I'm guessing, probably not.
I never thought about this when I was younger, but now in my fifties, with my career behind me, that sense of grief is very real.
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