Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: JustKathy on May 31, 2017, 05:08:41 PM ---
--- Quote ---I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't. I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot. What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what. And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic.
--- End quote ---
I visit that "what if" place all the time. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I can't help thinking about it, almost obsessing over it. I know, without a doubt, that my life would have been SO much different if I had been allowed to develop normally, encouraged to pursue my talents, allowed to take the music and drama classes I wanted instead of the chemistry classes I was forced into, taught proper social skills, and like you, given the self-respect to hold out for normal love rather than settling for whatever came along, even if it were toxic.
I look back on my early career and am so envious of my "normal" co-workers who were raised in fuctional households. They all went to college after high school, and were hired into good jobs at the studio, while I slogged away in the mailroom, waiting until I was 30 years old before I could afford to send myself to college. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time, I feel like I have a right to mourn the life I was denied. A stronger person could have gotten past most of those obstacles, but when you're tossed out at 18 with no self-esteem, underdeveloped social skills, and various other emotional issues ...well, I just never had a chance. Did any of us? I'm guessing, probably not.
I never thought about this when I was younger, but now in my fifties, with my career behind me, that sense of grief is very real.
--- End quote ---
It's a fine line, isn't it, between looking back and allowing yourself to grieve and wonder but at the same time not wallowing or allowing it to hold you back now - where's the line between the two? I do find it difficult. The other thing that always strikes me is that having difficulties in life, whatever they are, takes up a lot of time and energy, so you've worked as hard as someone else who had an easier time, but they get ahead faster because what they're working on takes them forward whereas what we work on just brings us up to functioning. That's something I struggle with at times.
I remember when Friends Reunited first came out (do you have that in the States?) that I swopped 'what you up to' stories with someone in my year at school and her life was so much happier, fuller and healthier than mine. She didn't have the qualifications that I do, she hadn't worked the sort of hours that I had, she hadn't overcome addiction problems the way I had but despite the fact I'd worked so hard I still felt my life was so empty compared to hers, because she'd married this great guy, they both had lovely families, everything was very supportive and so they'd built a really nice life. I'm quite sure there would have been problems and difficulties along the way but it's just a different ball park. I do try not to compare myself to other people all the time (and however bad your situation is there's always someone much, much worse off) but there have been and are times that it sort of hits me that I have to run constantly just to stand still whilst others just sort of roll out of bed in the morning and things go well for them.
Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy? I'm aware that some opportunities have passed but I'm trying to give myself the encouragement that no-one else did now. I can't see myself becoming a professional musician but it would be nice to be able to hold a tune again :) I think perhaps I've spent too much time focusing on people (and whether they like me or are in my life) and maybe I ought to be focusing more on hobbies or achievements, even if they're just achievements for me, rather than being things other people would see as achievements, if that make sense?
Hopalong:
I am learning so much from these Very Old People I see every day...really giving me perspective (and warning). I completely understand the grief for the Life Not Lived or the Love Not Found. I was stuck in that for quite a while. And I'd better watch out or I'll do another round, especially in winter.
My hope now is to do everything I possibly can to embrace the present, with all its reality. I believe with all my heart and mind that in the present, if we stop comparing ourselves to hypothetical futures that can never happen...is the Only Possible Location Of Fulfillment.
The present. What you do, how you feel (and how you manage the seductive urge to ruminate), what possibilities (however reduced) are in front of you now, which present themselves as choices now, are within your grasp now.
If you invest your present with meaning, and are open to fulfillment happening now, that's when it becomes possible. For me, feeling that grief so fully (and repeatedly) finally began to actually bore me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life bitter about what came before, I really did NOT. So that released me from its grip. I stopped comparing myself to others (there are moments, but overall), learned more about mindfulness, and found that happiness is actually, most of all, a decision.
The old people are showing me that. One is bitter, complains, and belittles others. Another is funny, kind and takes pleasure in simple things. A third focuses intensely every day on what she is grateful for. She means it. She is literally transported by the beauty of a tree, the sky, or a porch-side visit from a cardinal. She allows beauty to enter her. She laughs at every opportunity.
(With one kidney and a failing heart. She expresses joy and gratitude for beauty in the present.)
The shape of dreams changes, but the capacity to dream dreams...is always within us.
My ex-H, a sculptor, once said to me, "I hate big houses. I'd much rather have a tiny house and make it into a jewel."
That's always stayed with me. And I think the same thing applies to the Lives Not Lived and the Opportunities Others Got and the Family I Didn't Have.
When you turn that corner, and throw away the list of disappointments, it's a new world. Maybe a smaller, less grandiose one. But if you're still in it, it's a good world.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 01, 2017, 02:07:31 PM ---I am learning so much from these Very Old People I see every day...really giving me perspective (and warning). I completely understand the grief for the Life Not Lived or the Love Not Found. I was stuck in that for quite a while. And I'd better watch out or I'll do another round, especially in winter.
My hope now is to do everything I possibly can to embrace the present, with all its reality. I believe with all my heart and mind that in the present, if we stop comparing ourselves to hypothetical futures that can never happen...is the Only Possible Location Of Fulfillment.
The present. What you do, how you feel (and how you manage the seductive urge to ruminate), what possibilities (however reduced) are in front of you now, which present themselves as choices now, are within your grasp now.
If you invest your present with meaning, and are open to fulfillment happening now, that's when it becomes possible. For me, feeling that grief so fully (and repeatedly) finally began to actually bore me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life bitter about what came before, I really did NOT. So that released me from its grip. I stopped comparing myself to others (there are moments, but overall), learned more about mindfulness, and found that happiness is actually, most of all, a decision.
The old people are showing me that. One is bitter, complains, and belittles others. Another is funny, kind and takes pleasure in simple things. A third focuses intensely every day on what she is grateful for. She means it. She is literally transported by the beauty of a tree, the sky, or a porch-side visit from a cardinal. She allows beauty to enter her. She laughs at every opportunity.
(With one kidney and a failing heart. She expresses joy and gratitude for beauty in the present.)
The shape of dreams changes, but the capacity to dream dreams...is always within us.
My ex-H, a sculptor, once said to me, "I hate big houses. I'd much rather have a tiny house and make it into a jewel."
That's always stayed with me. And I think the same thing applies to the Lives Not Lived and the Opportunities Others Got and the Family I Didn't Have.
When you turn that corner, and throw away the list of disappointments, it's a new world. Maybe a smaller, less grandiose one. But if you're still in it, it's a good world.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Yes that's true, Hops, it's the see sawing back and forth that's difficult, isn't it? I go through phases where everythings okay, then it sweeps up from somewhere and I suddenly feel bereft or very resentful (or both!). Part of the healing process, I suppose. I go through it with my son as well - there are times when I can't listen to other people talking about all the things their kids are doing because I suddenly feel sad/angry/upset that my son can't do all of those things. Other times it's not a problem at all and I'm genuinely delighted for them, but I suppose that's the nature of feelings and emotions (and actually, probably something I didn't learn in childhood. My mum liked Stepford wife type children around her, no problems, no emotions, just vacant smiles that didn't require attention.)
The getting older part of life is on my mind a lot these days and I very desperately don't want to become bitter and constantly critical of others. Equally I don't want to endlessly pretend I'm happy if I'm not. It's an odd pattern in life for me, peaks and troughs. I go through phases where, however hard I try, I don't find pleasure in small, every day things. Sometimes the resentment's too strong. But then other times it goes and I'm back to being able to enjoy the moon or a bright sunny day or my friendly neighbours.
I like the idea of making a tiny home into a jewel :)
Hopalong:
I get it. Me too.
Easy to preach "accept, age with grace, find dignity in what is" and especially troublesome (for me too) to actually practice what's preached, as in ..."let it gooooooooooooo."
I am the Queen Champion Reigning Empress of NOT Letting Go.
Losing my beloved D really genuinely kicked the stuffing out of me, because if I didn't eventually let it go, I think I would've sunk into lifetime depression, some form of grief-madness, or both. Plus probably alcoholism.
It's still hard and I don't think it'd be realistic of me to expect that waves of grief or loss or regret would go away. I shouldn't describe it as though I have achieved that. I think all I've really gotten to is that I vehemently don't want to be as unhappy as I was so intensely for so many years. It began to feel not just depressing or sad, but dangerous. Dangerous to be in that much pain for that long.
Gained weight, drank too much for a time, hair began falling out, and dark o' night questions like, What is the purpose of my life... began sirening away. I think the Very Old People are bringing me back to life. Partly because they need me, but also because they give me someone to love and help.
So whatever experience I can call on to steer me away from the ledge, I'm calling on!
(And I'm contemplating renewing the Geezer Hunt. Who knows?)
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 04, 2017, 02:50:11 PM ---I get it. Me too.
Easy to preach "accept, age with grace, find dignity in what is" and especially troublesome (for me too) to actually practice what's preached, as in ..."let it gooooooooooooo."
I am the Queen Champion Reigning Empress of NOT Letting Go.
Losing my beloved D really genuinely kicked the stuffing out of me, because if I didn't eventually let it go, I think I would've sunk into lifetime depression, some form of grief-madness, or both. Plus probably alcoholism.
It's still hard and I don't think it'd be realistic of me to expect that waves of grief or loss or regret would go away. I shouldn't describe it as though I have achieved that. I think all I've really gotten to is that I vehemently don't want to be as unhappy as I was so intensely for so many years. It began to feel not just depressing or sad, but dangerous. Dangerous to be in that much pain for that long.
Gained weight, drank too much for a time, hair began falling out, and dark o' night questions like, What is the purpose of my life... began sirening away. I think the Very Old People are bringing me back to life. Partly because they need me, but also because they give me someone to love and help.
So whatever experience I can call on to steer me away from the ledge, I'm calling on!
(And I'm contemplating renewing the Geezer Hunt. Who knows?)
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
I think 'The Geezer Hunt' has blog written all over it :)
Yes, it's the knowledge and the yearning, I think, I don't think anyone would really choose misery and emptiness over joy and happiness but it is hard to let go - letting go of hope in particular, I think. And maybe you do need to get to 'a bad place' with unhealthy habits before you can start working your way back up again and trying to move forward. I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's perhaps and particularly in your situation with your D, that's so hard to cope with. We all stumble on, don't we, two steps forward, pause, maybe slide a little, lurch forward again. A bit like those early days of learning to drive :) x
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