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How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Hopalong:
To hear you DISCOVER the anxiety and perfectionism that has driven your fear of deviating from the never-finished list is really moving, Tupp.
I think your thoughtful reflections lately have been so beautiful and powerful. I am really happy for you.
It's like reading a diary of growth and maturity and confidence that's just amazing. You really do work at a deep, thoughtful level to uncover the roots of what's been unsatisfying and dampening your potential.
I bet the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain would be revelatory for you.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 08, 2017, 09:42:29 AM ---To hear you DISCOVER the anxiety and perfectionism that has driven your fear of deviating from the never-finished list is really moving, Tupp.
I think your thoughtful reflections lately have been so beautiful and powerful. I am really happy for you.
It's like reading a diary of growth and maturity and confidence that's just amazing. You really do work at a deep, thoughtful level to uncover the roots of what's been unsatisfying and dampening your potential.
I bet the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain would be revelatory for you.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Well I am going to get that book now, Hopsie, and find out! :)
Thank you for your kind words. I'm still not sure I quite understand how I'm feeling at the mo. I'm very tired, almost like a big dam has broken down. I embraced my list free existence this morning and as a result we were late for sailing (because I'd forgotten to sort my son's drinks out and get his sailing kit ready) and when we got home I realised I'd forgotten to feed the cat as well but do you know what, why is that such a big deal (the cat was quite annoyed but she's a well fed puss so having to wait a couple of hours wasn't the end of the world)? I knew what my T meant all that time ago about lists being a need for control but I feel like I've literally only just really understood what she was saying. Isn't it funny how you can understand something on an intellectual level but not really get it emotionally? Hopefully it's a sign that another big chunk of something has shifted - I'm not sure what yet! We have three days coming up now where we have nothing planned or arranged so I think I'm going to experiment with going list free and see what happens :)
Twoapenny:
Something else that's been going through my mind is that I've had this thing for years where I felt/thought that the child abuse situation we were in a few years back (which ended with me returning to live in the area I grew up in) was another sort of cosmic event that would eventually have a good outcome, mostly in the form of a relationship and for many years I have assumed that I would end up with an old flame (of which there were many!), to the extent that I actually spent quite a lot of time reconnecting with old friends and boyfriends. And again I am realising, albeit very belatedly, that I outgrew all of these people years ago, as a teenager, when I had my dreams of going to drama college and traveling the world and really wanted to do something with my life. We've an election going on here at the minute which always makes tempers flare and brings out views that don't generally come to the surface in day to day conversation, and so many of the comments I've seen on Facebook have made me realise that I was right, all those years ago, to walk away from so many people that I just don't have very much in common with. I've spent such a long time thinking there was meaning in all the bad stuff that happened to me and that something good would come from it, some sort of reward, but now I'm thinking it was just my mum being an arse and it's taken me ten years to put my life back together. The good thing that has come out of that is I've realised I didn't do something wrong way back when. I was on the right path, she just derailed me (for a long time!). But I'm back on it now and I really feel that I want to leave the past where it is and focus much more on my future (and get some sleep, I keep checking the election results and it's getting really late here, lol) :)
lighter:
Tupp: I wrote this post yesterday morning, and my session timed out.... didn't see it refused to go through till this morning. I'll read your posts and post again later (((Tupp))).
Just bc you realized you wouldn't have been friends with the people you've had in your life......
just bc you understand your life would have been different if you'd put distance between yourself and the people who've been in your life......
just bc.
It is what it is.
There were reasons.
There were circumstances.
Your mother put you between a rock and a hard place.
She hindered you, and your ability to respond.
She sabotaged you.
That's your past, and you need to be aware of it. Of course you do. Enlightenment means you don't have to learn the same lessons again and again.
I'm curious, Tupp.....
about this next phase in your life....
what will you do with it?
Will you look at your original dream with fresh eyes? What's there? What about teaching drew you to it? What did you want to do with it 20 years ago? Does that dream still appeal to you?
Honestly, Tupp.... it's time to open some unopened doors, IMO. What's the next step for you and your son?
My Aunt's sister put her son in a wonderful residential facility last year. They'd been waiting 6 years from the last time they'd been offered a spot on the list.... they'd been waiting for years before that, but the Mom wasn't ready the first time it became available. Her son is in his 40's.
This is a government facility, and we're crossing our fingers Trump doesn't close them all down, btw.
My Aunt says her nephew is working in the furniture finishing shop, and there's a garden where flowers are grown and sold by other residents.... he has a yoga class he adores, and his favorite nurse told the Mom his schedule is busier than her own.
When he goes home for visits he's happy, but always eager to go back to his new home..... this is a huge relief on one hand for the Mom, but sad bc she's not adjusting as quickly as he is. BTW he's lost 25 pounds this first year in the facility, and he's getting stronger, and healthier. There was the fear he'd not be able to walk a few years ago, but that hasn't come to pass as his eating habits have improved, and he's busy busy busy. They go swimming, bowling.... I already mentioned the yoga. He's engaged in his life, and very busy.
What are your options in the UK?
Lighter
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on June 08, 2017, 03:08:51 AM ---Argh! Following on from my earlier thoughts I found myself yesterday wanting to be more spontaneous and getting out more. With that in mind, we went out for a walk. I decided to drive to a pond that I know, nice place to walk and teaming with wildlife but we rarely go there because when we go out for a walk I usually make it 'practical' so we walk to the village to run errands or down to the old train track (which means we don't waste petrol using the van). But I fancied a change of scene so we went further afield. I also decided to take the camera, the video camera and a few toys. What I thought about as we were driving over there is that my head is full of ideas about things to do - photos to take, videos to shoot, projects to work on, but I rarely get on with any of it because I feel I have a long list of things I must do first. For example, for my son to shoot a video I feel it ought to be from an educational perspective, so I feel we should script it first so that it is done 'properly'. I would love to sell photographs that I take but before I embark on that I feel I ought to sift through the hundreds of photos I already have, sell what I can, learn all about lighting, buy a better camera and so on. I was thinking about all of that as we drove along and I realised how many conditions I impose on myself before I allow myself to do things. It has to be right. And so I spend a lot of time planning, but not so much actually getting anything done (or just enjoying myself in the process) I think there comes a time when some people have to shake off the list of HAVE TOs in orde3r to reset their systems.... like animals shaking off trauma. Just shake off everything in order to SEE what's possible. In order to SEE what's in front of them, and not what's been chasing them, vexing them, terrorizing them in the past. I think you did that.
::nodding::
With all of that in mind, I handed my son the video camera and he shot his own little film with no input from me. While he was doing that, I took some photos of trees just for fun. We went on our walk, my son took the camera and took pictures of whatever he fancied. The pond is near an old steam train site, and the train went chugging past as we were walking by. We chatted to a few dog walkers as we went around and enjoyed the sun.
Going out into nature, and doing something new...... just being in nature... YES YES YES: )
I made some notes when we got home of other things we could do - a ride on the steam train, learn a bit more about film making, learn a few more types of tree or bird. This morning I got up and started rifling through books. We have masses of information here that I just don't pick up often enough and say to my son "Let's go and find an oak tree and learn all about it". I also decided to try to learn more about sailing - he's been going for years and I've just looked on it as a leisure activity rather than learning about it, so I went online to order a book about sailing knots and sailing techniques. I'm so happy for you, Tupp. SO. HAPPY. What a day.
While I was doing that it occurred to me that I have gone off piste. I work to a list that always has daily things to do (yoga, exercise, meal planning, school work with son and so on) and because I stick to this list there isn't really much time to get on with things. I realised I have a thing in my head that I can't attempt 'stuff' if I haven't done all the things on my list. And then the memory of my T telling me, probably six or seven years ago now, that my list making habits were all about control and safety, actually really made sense to me for the first time. I can see what she means now. If I do everything on my list, then I can try the other things I want to do and it will be safe, because I've taken care of 'business' first. But what I realised happens is I never (or very rarely) get through my list and so I rarely try the other things. The next day I reset and go bahe beginning of the list, so I don't have the time, again, to try other stuff. Shake it off, Tupp...... You've slogged a long way through the wastelands to SEE with clarity.... eyes unclouded by hate..... and choose happiness. I'm so over the moon tickled for you!
I'm not sure if this is making any sense because it's sort of pouring out of my head at the minute. So much sense.... it's not easy to turn away from crisis, that might still be just behind you, and turn to something else, IME. You have reasons for living the way you've had to live. You've had no choices for so long. Now you're system is calming down, and you're gaining perspective. You're aware, and able to make very conscious choices, FEEL them, gain momentum and what momentum you have! YES.
I think it relates back to the child abuse allegations - ten years ago now. If I do everything on my list - the sensible, boring stuff - then no-one can accuse me of not looking after him properly. But it just occurred to me as I'm typing this up that it isn't actually the end of the world if we go out, unplanned, and have chips for lunch instead of a proper meal, or if he's wearing odd socks because I haven't done any laundry yet this week. Saying it seems obvious but I know that these minor things have terrified me over the years - any slight mistake on my part could give them an opportunity to take him away from me. I'm not sure whether I feel relieved or revolted at the minute, I suddenly feel it's clear that I've been living a half life for the last decade because of what they did to me and the unfairness of it all. Nothing rights wrongs like living well, Tupp. That's going to put things right again. That you aren't destroyed or lost... that you overcome, and find happiness.
So - I'm knackered after all of that! Lol. We are going sailing - in the wind and the rain today. We're going to go for a ride on that steam train this afternoon. I haven't done my food prep for the day, or the washing, or micromanaged my son - in fact I'm not even sure what he's up to at the minute, it's very quiet so I should probably check! Not sure whether I feel elated or scared. Bit blown away at the moment in all honesty.
I'm feeling the rain on my face with you, Tupp! Sail! Ride! Take pictures: ) Lighter
Thank you for reading if you got to the end of all that. I've no idea if it makes any sense at all!
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