Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
JustKathy:
I’m so sorry you had this flashback. It's amazing how we can recall our childhoods with such amazing clarity in our dreams; our rooms, our beds, the wallpaper pattern. I remember every detail.
I often have dreams about being a child and being in chains, locked in a closet, or some other thing that my NM never even did to me, but my dreams/nightmares always associate her with harming me in some way. In these dreams I’m always a kid, usually a teen, which was when things were at their worst. I’m now 57, yet my dreams will bypass 40 years of life, and go back to childhood. Does that happen to all of us who were harmed by our N-parents? Our young minds are forever affected by our experiences?
I do agree with Lighter that it’s probably good for this stuff to come out. It may seem crazy, but I believe that having these flashbacks actually makes us stronger than if we suppressed them. We need to remember the bad in order to move forward, and gain strength. You may not feel like you’re strong, but you are. :D
I’m so glad that you feel safe in your new place, hopefully both emotionally as well as physically. As scary as the world has become, I think, in many ways, emotional safety can be more important to us.
And so happy that you have a lovely garden to tend to. There’s something incredibly therapeutic about gardening. It’s always been something that has helped me. It seems impossible to think bad thoughts while listening to the chirping of birds, breathing fresh air, and smelling the flowers. You WILL feel better!
Meh:
Random thoughts. All that ever helps me is to leave the stress. Run away from whatever is causing me stress. Which kinda sucks on one hand. In some ways it seems not adult like but flip side is there is so much BS in life that we have NO CONTROL over. On the other hand the truth is that if something is causing too much stress it means our needs are not getting met and it's not good for us.
I could also ask myself how often do I really pursue happiness.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on March 15, 2017, 12:22:47 AM ---Random thoughts. All that ever helps me is to leave the stress. Run away from whatever is causing me stress. Which kinda sucks on one hand. In some ways it seems not adult like but flip side is there is so much BS in life that we have NO CONTROL over. On the other hand the truth is that if something is causing too much stress it means our needs are not getting met and it's not good for us.
I could also ask myself how often do I really pursue happiness.
--- End quote ---
I have always run from stress, G, it's been a key pattern throughout my life. I find it easier to get away from something than I do to change it. Fight or flight, I suppose? Maybe part of it is whether you can do anything about the stress - with me it's often other people's behaviour and I generally find most people aren't willing to change their behaviour x
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: JustKathy on March 14, 2017, 06:01:15 PM ---I’m so sorry you had this flashback. It's amazing how we can recall our childhoods with such amazing clarity in our dreams; our rooms, our beds, the wallpaper pattern. I remember every detail.
I often have dreams about being a child and being in chains, locked in a closet, or some other thing that my NM never even did to me, but my dreams/nightmares always associate her with harming me in some way. In these dreams I’m always a kid, usually a teen, which was when things were at their worst. I’m now 57, yet my dreams will bypass 40 years of life, and go back to childhood. Does that happen to all of us who were harmed by our N-parents? Our young minds are forever affected by our experiences?
I do agree with Lighter that it’s probably good for this stuff to come out. It may seem crazy, but I believe that having these flashbacks actually makes us stronger than if we suppressed them. We need to remember the bad in order to move forward, and gain strength. You may not feel like you’re strong, but you are. :D
I’m so glad that you feel safe in your new place, hopefully both emotionally as well as physically. As scary as the world has become, I think, in many ways, emotional safety can be more important to us.
And so happy that you have a lovely garden to tend to. There’s something incredibly therapeutic about gardening. It’s always been something that has helped me. It seems impossible to think bad thoughts while listening to the chirping of birds, breathing fresh air, and smelling the flowers. You WILL feel better!
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Kathy, I do find it amazing that however much you consciously change and arrange your life there can still be childhood stuff pulling all those strings somewhere deep inside. Equally I think that for abusers that abuse pattern is a way of playing out their own childhood stuff. It amazes me that my mum still plays the same mind games and manipulative techniques now that she always did, even though her kids have cut ties with her one by on. It's never occured to her that changing her behaviour might be helpful. It reminds of a child who hides their face thinking if they can't see you, you can't see them. Just a very simplistic view of the world.
I do think better out than in is right! I've had a very heavy cold all week and feel pretty ill, it's as if all sorts of things are escaping from me at the moment. I'm trying just to go with it; we've nothing terribly important on at the moment so I can do a few things, rest a bit, do a few more things, rest a bit more. It doesn't matter. I think my son is getting a bit bored but hopefully that will mean he'll be more eager to do things once I feel up to it again :) x
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 14, 2017, 02:47:34 PM ---Oh, honey. (((((((Tupp)))))))).
Your clarity and maturity as you describe what happened almost makes me hesitate
about saying "I'm sorry this happened." I AM sorry that it happened to little you.
Wordlessly sorry.
But somehow I feel as though this flashback is a way for you to so completely love
and comfort yourself, with zero shame or filter between you and just totally loving
that brave girl who endured so much...
....And became this brave woman, who has looked at her life with clear eyes, an
ever-wiser mind, and heart of a lion.
I don't even know why I put it this way, but I so hope you are proud of yourself.
Just plain proud. Nothing to defend, apologize away, or question.
YOU are the best friend you ever could have.
I am awed.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Thank you, Hops, it means a lot :) I am getting better at loving myself and giving myself care instead of harming further. This sort of thing doesn't scare me any more; I used to worry it meant I was 'crazy' but now it feels like another piece coming out to allow a bit more healing to happen. I'm just lucky I can heal; I don't have to worry about heading back into a situation I can't cope with or putting on a front to pretend everything's okay. I can take my time at home and just sort of work at my own pace, which is really good. I would still like to smack that f**ker right in the face, though :) I have been feeling a lot of anger toward 'the sisterhood' as well, though, so many women around me, mum, aunts, neighbours, friends' mums, school teachers, so many who did nothing, said nothing, noticed nothing. I look back at my teenage years and it's textbook abuse; changes in personality, isolation, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, forever changing jobs, never knowing what to do or which way to turn. Unfortunately I think part of the problem was/is all the women in our family exist for the benefit of their man - life revolves around them and everyone else has to change to suit.
Anyway - I'm all good. Slowly getting on with things and heading in the right direction. Thank you :) x
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