Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 12, 2017, 10:24:41 PM ---That's a huge (and urgent, for your niece) question, Tupp.
Can you make an appt to talk it over with your T?
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
I know, it's a horrible one. I can't really see T at the minute as I've not been able to arrange any care for my son yet (the wheels turn slowly here!). Added to which, given that I've already reported him to social services, the police and brought it up with every other person in authority I've ever spoken to and none of them believed me I don't even know who or where to go to should that be necessary. For what it's worth, it doesn't seem that she spends any time alone with him or at the house I (I think it tends to be more that they all meet up for lunch with the kids' dad). But yes, it's a horrible one, I know I wouldn't let him near my daughter. I did let my son go round there when he was little which I regret now, but back then I doubted the validity of my own feelings and memories (which makes me wonder if the same happens to my sister). On the flip side it might not be an issue at all (he might not have the opportunity/might not have done it since I 'outed' him/he might be to ill). I think I might find a way to raise it with my sister, maybe something about what went on with me and gauge her reaction and take it from there?
Twoapenny:
We had a really good day out with some friends yesterday and I noticed that my usual anxiety and worry about 'what other people think' wasn't there. That was good.
I also thought more about my sister and I feel she is in a place that I used to occupy - denying her own needs to keep others happy, no boundaries, working herself into the ground whilst others get to sit and relax, the sense of denial around the sexual abuse. I know that someone trying to force me to see that would never have worked - it took me forever to get to a point where I really understood where I was and could take steps to change it. I also find it quite difficult to talk to her sometimes, as it feels a bit like I'm talking to my younger self. I find I get a bit resentful that people come to me when they want to talk things through, as I had to pay someone to listen to my problems! I feel a bit like I've done all the work so that other people don't have to. I'm trying not to draw any conclusions from this at the moment as I'm not really sure how I feel about it all. I do think it would be easy for me to fall back into my former big sister role, but I don't feel that I want to. Just leaving that hanging at the moment.
Twoapenny:
My sister's Facebook posts are starting to freak me out, there's loads about child sex offenders and how they should be castrated etc. I'm wondering whether I should text her or something, I think I'm just going to leave it in the back of my mind and see if 'something' tells me what to do. I don't know if it's a cry for help or my family's trait of throwing stones in glass houses. If it's a cry for help I'm not entirely sure I want to be the one to help her either? Which I know sounds selfish but I feel like I'm just starting to get my life feeling like something other than an endurance test. I think I'll leave it for now and see how it settles in my mind. Also thinking either she believes my step-dad abused me but still lets her daughter near him or she thinks I'm making it up, which then changes things in my mind about our situation. Am switching of the computer for a bit; I think some real life distraction is needed.
Hopalong:
I can imagine the whole situation is gnawing at you, Tupp. How painful.
And I can understand how hesitant you are to plunge into an attempt to either rescue your niece or confront your sister. She is doing that process-things-on-the-internet thing but it does sound as though she is waving flags. I dunno if they're red flags or messages to the universe or expressions of anger or appeals for help. Sounds like you're trying to figure that out.
If she's escalating posts that refer to sexual abuse, I wonder if that means she's actually coming out of denial about the family's past, or whether your niece has had something happen with your stepfather. I mean, as you do, I wonder if there's a real-world, present trigger for all this.
Sister is not a static being any more than you are, so maybe if you did talk with her, you could make it more about listening and being present in a way that allows her to open up and share what's on her mind? You could just say, "I know I can't fix anything for you or Niece. But if you need to talk..."
I guess it's Niece, more than anyone, who may need to be heard. I hope if she needs protection it happens proactively rather than in hindsight. I hope her mother is listening or if not, that some adult she trusts will.
Fingers crossed you'll soon find a way to see your T, regardless. It'll be good to have that safe space and safe person established during good times, to create resilience for the not so good things that come around.
Happy Spring, Tupp...garden within and without!
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 14, 2017, 08:51:24 AM ---I can imagine the whole situation is gnawing at you, Tupp. How painful.
And I can understand how hesitant you are to plunge into an attempt to either rescue your niece or confront your sister. She is doing that process-things-on-the-internet thing but it does sound as though she is waving flags. I dunno if they're red flags or messages to the universe or expressions of anger or appeals for help. Sounds like you're trying to figure that out.
If she's escalating posts that refer to sexual abuse, I wonder if that means she's actually coming out of denial about the family's past, or whether your niece has had something happen with your stepfather. I mean, as you do, I wonder if there's a real-world, present trigger for all this.
Sister is not a static being any more than you are, so maybe if you did talk with her, you could make it more about listening and being present in a way that allows her to open up and share what's on her mind? You could just say, "I know I can't fix anything for you or Niece. But if you need to talk..."
I guess it's Niece, more than anyone, who may need to be heard. I hope if she needs protection it happens proactively rather than in hindsight. I hope her mother is listening or if not, that some adult she trusts will.
Fingers crossed you'll soon find a way to see your T, regardless. It'll be good to have that safe space and safe person established during good times, to create resilience for the not so good things that come around.
Happy Spring, Tupp...garden within and without!
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Happy Spring to you, too, Hops! Do you do Easter in the States? I don't celebrate myself but I do enjoy the four day holiday :)
Yes, it is hard to work out what's best to do, not only because I'm aware my own feelings can become clouded in situations like this. Her daughter's coming up to the age I was when he started abusing me - maybe the age my sister was as well? Maybe it's starting to trigger stuff. Maybe she just randomly clicks on posts and shares them as many do on Facebook. I think I might try and sound her out about it a bit without being too obvious. Thanks for your reply and wise words, Hopsie, I do appreciate it xx
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