Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Hopalong:
I'm glad you'll try sounding her out, Tupp. That way you're injecting a positive intention and that's a good.
I have always loved Easter mostly for its pagan joys, and the beauty of the season. But since I lost my D (5 years of silence now) it's too painful to attend church that day. So many memories of being there with her, little girls with their families...all of that.
But I still recognize the joy of rebirth and renewal and new life, and all the wonderful symbolism around the day. I'd probably happily attend an Easter Egg hunt elsewhere, just not in my home sanctuary for now anyway.
I love watching kids be happy. (Loved your description of your son laughing, for example. Big smile here!)
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 14, 2017, 12:34:54 PM ---I'm glad you'll try sounding her out, Tupp. That way you're injecting a positive intention and that's a good.
I have always loved Easter mostly for its pagan joys, and the beauty of the season. But since I lost my D (5 years of silence now) it's too painful to attend church that day. So many memories of being there with her, little girls with their families...all of that.
But I still recognize the joy of rebirth and renewal and new life, and all the wonderful symbolism around the day. I'd probably happily attend an Easter Egg hunt elsewhere, just not in my home sanctuary for now anyway.
I love watching kids be happy. (Loved your description of your son laughing, for example. Big smile here!)
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Yes I'm quite similar, Hops, I love all the newness at this time of year, the trees are dripping with blossom, there are flowers coming out everywhere and people are just more cheerful because they're not trudging through the wind and the rain all day. I love seeing happy kids as well (my own has just got some new Lego so he is very happy, lol, a friend wanted to by him Easter Eggs but his epilepsy medication has made him put on a bit of weight so I'm limiting treats at the moment so she very kindly gave him money instead, which he spent immediately). I'm sorry there is no word from your D.
I have mentioned to my sis about the posts (in a reply to a text message she sent me earlier) and I've not heard anything back. I do find dealing with my family quite stressful, even in this context, because I know how crazy they can all get. I have been thinking to myself that kids are more switched on than they used to be and have their own phones and so on, plus there is more taught in schools now about sexual abuse and that sort of thing. So I'm hoping that 'if' something did/has happened that my niece would feel able to tell someone at school, or a friend's mum, or contact me via Facebook or something. I'm also hoping the fact that I did eventually tell and that I haven't stopped telling since might mean he'll have kept himself to himself. Or even that he's just too old now; apparently his health isn't good. It's difficult, you can worry to the nth degree but also do more harm than good by storming in. Hard to know where to draw the line. Anyway, thank you for the wisdom and the support, Hops, I do appreciate it, enjoy your Spring/Easter break xx
Twoapenny:
She texted back after a couple of hours and just avoided the issue really, saying something had happened locally (not involving them). It's raised quite a lot for me and I feel pretty shitty now, the whole 'family' thing becomes an issue again; either she's in denial about my abuse or she doesn't believe it happened, it's impossible to have a direct, honest conversation about any of it because they just don't do that, everything stays superficial and chit chatty and I find myself wondering how much of what I want from people do I put to one side - I ignore the racist Facebook posts and the support for racist organisations, I tolerate the lack of effort on their part to visit, the lack of effort put in for us when we visit them, the way mum is given priority over me for visits despite the fact she treats them all like dirt and then I get angry that all this family nonsense is in my head again when I can just ignore them all and fill my head with nice things and nice people. I am going to bed, lol, and I think I might stay there for the rest of the weekend x
Hopalong:
Well, you waded into a very unpleasant current unselfishly, Tupp, and learned what you needed to know. Your niece is okay. Whew. And bless you for enduring the discomfort of that communication in order to find out.
I'm sorry it brought up all those toxic spiderweb feelings for you. Same time, New Tupp is able to shake it off, refuse to let it seep in like an oily gas to spoil her OWN space and OWN Easter weekend. Trust her!
You don't have to keep up the contact, you really don't.
What can you do to remind yourself you know how to set boundaries? And how to reclaim your serenity and pleasure in the present?
Whatever that is, sending you hugs and hopes you'll re-anchor in the sweet, springtime, blooming, beautiful now. With all the New Life messages it gives.
hugs,
Hops
lighter:
Well.... I had a day of running kids around, and missed this exchange, Tupp. One minute you were happily awaiting the weekend's start, and the next you were heading for bed with the intention to stay till the weekend's over.
I'm wondering how it would feel to give yourself permission to take a break from all contact with your FOO...... whatever that looks like, for an unlimited time frame. Just let it go, and feel OK about not taking calls, or responding to Facebook stuff, etc. Stop reading Facebook.... everything. All contact.
If you do that... what does it feel like?
I've decided not to attend something I committed to.... for reasons having nothing to do with me, and it FEELS bad/wrong/disloyal, but I'm just going to have to let it go, and have that be OK too. It's not FOO stuff, but it's bothering me.
That we're both wobbly about contact with others...... is....... probably a good thing as far as being even more mindful about it. I'm able to look at it from other perspectives, and not just from the one critical one inside my head when I'm looking at myself.
What is Tupp's obligation? What should Tupp be able to do for herself, and her own care?
I'm answering that question for myself, when I answer it honestly on your behalf... in my head.
I don't think you have to continue having contact with anyone in your family if they're marginalizing you, and disrespecting your time. You're valuable, and you deserve to advocate for yourself.... to expect care, and consideration.
You going back for more of the same.... feels wrong to me. A break doesn't have to be forever. A break can give you distance that leads to clarity.
I so hate that you stood up for yourself with regard to your SF, and everyone who could be harmed again by him. That you stood up, and were left hanging in the breeze by everyone.... every single person who could have and should have backed you..... they all chose your SF and your mum, Tupp, IMO. They chose to support the ones harming, and lying, and that's not acceptable, IME.
You deserved so much more. You don't always feel it bc they raised you to feel your needs aren't important, but they are, and you have the chance to put yourself first. To meet your own needs. You aren't obligated to give your FOO more chances to miss the mark, IME. You've been doing it for years... you have.... dear, consistent, loyal Tupp.
They aren't able to honor you... not the way you deserve, and may eventually require for yourself, IME.
I say consider taking a complete break from them to see how it feels. You've done your time, given your best, and tried to help those who could be helped. You've met your obligations..... extended yourself.....
You can choose to give everything you have to yourself now, Tupp..... if you want.
Lighter
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