Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How Do You Manage Your Stress?
Twoapenny:
Back on the game a bit today. Yesterday was a total write off, I ate loads of crap, watch a couple of films and faffed about on YouTube for no particular reason but you know what, I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it, I needed to let off a bit of steam and hibernate a bit whilst my brain sorted itself out so it's fine. I feel better this morning, more with it and up to getting a few things done. I have already practised my barriers; my sister texted this morning to say she'll ring later to update me on father in law's situation and I can see I've got myself into the same situation with her that I have with so many others; I've become an unofficial counsellor because the people she chooses to have in her life don't listen or talk things through. I would love someone to ring me because they want to share their good news with me, not because they want to offload! Maybe I should advertise myself as a good news receiver :) Anyway, I've told her we're out; the other thing I notice with a lot of people I know who are part of a couple is that they always want to chat during the day, because evening is 'hubby' time and they don't want to cut into it. I don't mind not speaking to people for days at a time any more (in fact I quite like it now) but equally I like my evenings to be a bit different to the day and I did realise a while back that one of the reasons I was still rushing around at 9pm was because I'd spent half the day listening to everyone else's news and didn't get on with what I needed to do. Maybe that counts as two boundaries practised this morning?
Anyway, I have quite a long to do list but I'm doing it in little bits and pieces. I'm going to try and get back to the healthy eating a bit today and might move my desk from the sitting room into my bedroom. Also fancy a walk and hoping to do some work on the van if it stays dry :)
Twoapenny:
I was meditating this morning and I picked one that was about grounding yourself and setting boundaries so that other people's energy doesn't negatively affect your own. I suddenly felt a real pang of sadness that I couldn't pick the phone up and talk to my mum, or pop round to see her. That got me thinking through the day about how much harder life is when you don't have family around you to give you something to lean on when things are difficult, to celebrate your successes with you, to hug you and want to be around you and to want things to go well for you. It's left me with a sense of wondering how to create a family. I've got friends but it doesn't feel the same because they've got their own families who take priority, however good the friendship is (and rightly so!). I'm wondering whether there should be a rescue centre for abandoned adults the same way there is for abandoned dogs :)
Hopalong:
Wow, Tupp.
What I'm impressed by is how, in the moment, you realized you needed to set a boundary with your sister's urge to call. (Well, you can't control THAT but you protect yourself from some intrution by saying you won't be available.) Hope you have what we call in the U.S. "Caller I.D.". I don't, but I get few landline calls anyway. (Maybe you're on a mobile and always see who's calling?)
It's also nice that you recognized that another boundary, since people often call you during the daytime, needs to be how LONG you stay on a call. Great thing to practice. Like, when phone rings, you say something like "Oh hi. Let's chat for about 5 minutes, but I'm afraid that's all I've got right now." And then, in your privacy, you Set A Timer for 5 minutes! When it goes off, you get off (the phone).
Here's where Phone Boundary 2.0 kicks in. No matter what the other person is saying, you are allowed to gently interrupt and assert your choice to end the call. Perhaps you gently interrupt once, "Sorry, I really have to get going." Then if they continue, just one more time: "Okay, I do have to go now so I'm going to hang up, but I'll talk to you soon. Bye now." CLICK.
You don't have to:
--get their agreement
--raise your voice
--apologize
--concern yourself with their awkwardness (if they aren't hearing you)
It's awesome stuff. Awkward at first but it's not aggressive, it's assertiveness. You're not raising your voice, sounding mean, being unkind, getting flustered, or anything like that. You're just stating your intention (to be on phone for 5 minutes) and following through.
It can be awkward at first if the other party isn't used to you behaving with that clarity. But they CAN get used to it. And if they don't, again, you keep your serenity and carry on, just decide what your boundary is, speak your intention about it aloud, and follow through.
I'm sorry about feeling family-less, Tupp. You know I'm in the same boat, and my usual bromide. I'll repeat -- you CAN build a PHamily but it takes joining, going, and doing. I don't know what the options are there but you can bet if you lived here I'd be dragging you and Son to my church, to some volunteer stuff (repeating it over and over because a few visits isn't enough to build relationship), etc.
Will be thinking of you, and hoping this spring sends some good new supportive people into your life.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on April 27, 2017, 09:22:20 AM ---Wow, Tupp.
What I'm impressed by is how, in the moment, you realized you needed to set a boundary with your sister's urge to call. (Well, you can't control THAT but you protect yourself from some intrution by saying you won't be available.) Hope you have what we call in the U.S. "Caller I.D.". I don't, but I get few landline calls anyway. (Maybe you're on a mobile and always see who's calling?)
It's also nice that you recognized that another boundary, since people often call you during the daytime, needs to be how LONG you stay on a call. Great thing to practice. Like, when phone rings, you say something like "Oh hi. Let's chat for about 5 minutes, but I'm afraid that's all I've got right now." And then, in your privacy, you Set A Timer for 5 minutes! When it goes off, you get off (the phone).
Here's where Phone Boundary 2.0 kicks in. No matter what the other person is saying, you are allowed to gently interrupt and assert your choice to end the call. Perhaps you gently interrupt once, "Sorry, I really have to get going." Then if they continue, just one more time: "Okay, I do have to go now so I'm going to hang up, but I'll talk to you soon. Bye now." CLICK.
You don't have to:
--get their agreement
--raise your voice
--apologize
--concern yourself with their awkwardness (if they aren't hearing you)
It's awesome stuff. Awkward at first but it's not aggressive, it's assertiveness. You're not raising your voice, sounding mean, being unkind, getting flustered, or anything like that. You're just stating your intention (to be on phone for 5 minutes) and following through.
It can be awkward at first if the other party isn't used to you behaving with that clarity. But they CAN get used to it. And if they don't, again, you keep your serenity and carry on, just decide what your boundary is, speak your intention about it aloud, and follow through.
I'm sorry about feeling family-less, Tupp. You know I'm in the same boat, and my usual bromide. I'll repeat -- you CAN build a PHamily but it takes joining, going, and doing. I don't know what the options are there but you can bet if you lived here I'd be dragging you and Son to my church, to some volunteer stuff (repeating it over and over because a few visits isn't enough to build relationship), etc.
Will be thinking of you, and hoping this spring sends some good new supportive people into your life.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Lol, I quite like being dragged to places, Hops, so that would work well :) I'm good, I just had that moment yesterday of wanting to be with someone I really love and who loves me. Sometimes it just sneaks up on you, doesn't it. I had this image in my mind of a real earth Mother type, someone who'd swoop me up and just say comforting things, make soup, make it all better. I gave it to myself, though, I got lots of little jobs done, ate well, arranged to meet a friend and so on.
Yes the boundaries take practise, don't they? I've not heard from her since (and did text last night to say I was free if she wanted to call) and this has been a common theme with so many people in my life; if I set a boundary I don't hear from them again and it's what often scares me and stops me doing it. But I don't care anymore, I've really realised I have got to put my boundaries in place otherwise it's me and my son that suffer and I'm not going down that road. I'm tired today but all in all things are good - I moved the desk into my bedroom and am finding it much easier to work in there than I was in the sitting room. I've managed to reconnect the printer (I think!) - new laptop so everything had to be reinstalled but I think I've done it so almost back on top of things again.
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot :)
lighter:
Tupp:
My kiddos are definitely not loaded down with the 'doing good' mentality..... much better at taking care of themselves and their own stuff than I am, for sure.
About the dress.... having figured out how things went sideways.... I take responsibility for my part in it, and will be OK if it comes back or doesn't. No hard feelings.... spoke to my friend about it, one mother who loves her dd's to another mother who loves her dds and grandchildren.... we want our kiddos to be OK so badly. We want that together. All will be well... no matter what. All will be well, and I will be mindful going forward. Maybe that's the most important piece in all this.... feels like it is.
Tupp do you ever feel like you've left one level of BEING and entered another? I mean..... left behind how you typically FEEL..... and shifted to feeling a whole'nuther way? I do. Sometimes it's huge, and sometimes it's small, but the important part is that I see that feeling isn't something we're at the mercy of. We can identify it, and shift out or more deeply INTO feelings, and perceptions around what's going on around us.
It's interesting and for me I think that making sense of what's happened to me, at all different stages of my life, is one catalyst making this possible. Sometimes there's nothing in particular happening when I note feeling different.
It's almost like I've left a part of the world I used to live in, and have changed Countries...... emotionally speaking. THAT kind of shift in what I think..... like a part of my every day life has been excised and removed.... just lifted OUT of my brain and is no longer on line interacting with my surrounding, kwim?
I assume this is more to do with parts of my brain calming down.... allowing other more creative parts to come online. For me, this is the key.... at least right now it is.
I've read the same information delivered in so many ways..... I recognize it, and try to distill it down to it's most basic form so I can internalize the important aspects FOR ME, and move on without having to keep revisiting and informing over and over.
I realize I can't meditate in the way I used to assume meditation had to be approached..... just can't pull it off.
Dr. Dan Siegel's WHEEL OF AWARENESS meditation is something I enjoy. Look it up on his website on YOUTUBE... it's worth the time, Tupp.
I also enjoy tapping, and just paying attention to my internal world in my own silence.... no intention to meditate... just being aware, curious..... resisting judgement. THESE are likely part of the shift......opening space to make necessary connections that otherwise wouldn't be apparent if I was trying to force them, kwim?
Pulling weeds...... wonderful space to make connections in my own way. I'm lucky I have about 6K more bags of grass and weeds to pull....... 6 bags down, woo hoo!
Lighter
ps Once again, Tupp has permission to say NO thank you, or I have to think about it, when she wants to say NO or Let me think about it. She should replace YES with those responses, and feel entitled to do so. So sayeth Lighter, this the 27th of April, 2017: )
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