How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Hopalong]

Lighter, your kind, supportive posts for Tup are leaking over here!

(As have been your more cerebral, richly interesting talks with PR.)

It's neat how one can just go sit in a spare armchair when
the house is full of conversation. Even if one's too tired to talk
one can tune in and feel part of it.

 

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, your kind, supportive posts for Tup are leaking over here!

(As have been your more cerebral, richly interesting talks with PR.)

It's neat how one can just go sit in a spare armchair when
the house is full of conversation. Even if one's too tired to talk
one can tune in and feel part of it.

 

Hugs
Hops

That's one of the things that I love about the forum, the way that other people's posts/responses/suggestions and so on can help other people, I enjoy reading other threads even though I don't always feel I have anything to say about it but I get so much from reading other people's posts and seeing their perspective.  It's such a nice little community here x

[Twoapenny]

I feel I am going down a bit of a rabbit hole at the moment (in a good way!).  I have been doing quite a lot of yoga and meditation and I've been having some quite strong emotional reactions.  Apart from the flashbacks I've already mentioned I've found myself crying (in a releasing sort of way) and whilst meditating today I had another strong (but brief) flashback of being raped and then went completely numb and found I couldn't follow the meditation any longer.

I feel my body is saying now is the time to heal from the sexual abuse, which I've known for a long time is a huge blockage that I just haven't been able to shift.  We are safe in our nice flat.  My son's health is stable enough that I don't need to focus on him to the exclustion of everything else.  Our financial situation is stable enough that money isn't a terrible worry at the minute and the weather is really warming up so it's great for gardening, nice long naps in the garden and lots of walks.  I think all the signs are saying this is a good time to do it so I'm going with it, looking after myself very carefully.  I'm trying to sort out some regular care for my son so that I can go back to the nice counsellor as well.  All in all it feels like a safe time to do this; I think I will probably write a lot of it down on here but I will flag it up if it's unpleasant as I know it can be very triggering.  Just wanted to get it down here for now x

[Hopalong]

((((Tupp)))

I am SO glad to hear you're readying to go back to the T you liked and trusted.
That's going to be a huge help, and I know she'll make you feel safe as you talk
through this crucial healing.

You are brave and I believe you that you are ready.

I can't imagine what peace and power you are going to find in your life as a result.

So impressed and encouraged for you!

love,
Hops

[lighter]

(((Hops)))  I'm touched deeply by other people's journey's on the board.  I find important things on old threads, and new ones too: )  I'm glad you're feeling warmth leak from anything I write.  Truly, thank you: )

Tupp.... what I've learned about trauma, involving attachment, is that it's more difficult to overcome.  EMDR is super duper helpful with single event trauma not involving attachment, and can heal completely in a very short time.... weeks.  Amazing stuff.

Brain spotting is another aspect of EMDR, involving eye movement.  I'm trying to figure all this out myself, but it seems promising for everyone moving out of trauma, IME. I hope you can find some EMDR basics and add them to your self care rituals as you can.  As I've said before, just becoming aware of your inner world, and paying attention to it is UBER important... you're already doing that. 

Writing out old history/trauma with new story lines and victorious outcomes is another way of addressing how our brains and bodies hold on to trauma that might be very helpful.  You may want to ask your T about Somatic Therapy, and the best options for you.

If you have the chance to watch some of Dr. Van Der Kolk's videos on Youtube,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXr_IB1ELCk

and maybe read his book THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE... it might help you make connections, and choices that move you through healing as quickly as can be managed.  I have information on Brain Spotting I'd love to share with you if I can figure out how to do that. 

I know this.... you can't change your past, but you can absolutely change your future, and how you feel about it..... all new, and untarnished.  You're seeking relief and freedom..... not being afraid to look at your pain and wounds.... it's all pointing to finding relief, and space to live a completely new life for yourself, IME.

I've watched you fight, grow, take action in your life.  What will you do when the past is forced to release it's grip on you?  How will you learn to frame your reality going forward?

I can't wait to see

((((Tupp)))) I'm honored to share this journey with you.

Lighter   

[Twoapenny]

Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages.  I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).

Soooo - Day 1 of healing!  Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit.  I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on.  So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on.  So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat).

I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan.  Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable.  I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).

I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).

He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test.  I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted.  There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak.  I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head?  Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life).  So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie.  But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it.

So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with!  He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing.  Go him

I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds.  But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away.  I don't need them now.

I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Will update tomorrow!  Thank you x

[Twoapenny]

Day 2

Was 35 minutes into a phone call this morning when I realised that (a) everything the other person was talking about was negative or problematic and (b) despite being on the phone for 35 minutes I had yet to speak!  Politely ended the call; what was interesting was that I had planned to phone a lot of people over the weekend to catch up on their news but because that call had tired me out I found myself mentally crossing people off my list of people to phone because I wouldn't be able to cope with listening to them.  I realised that some of my friends cope with problems; they talk about them but they deal with them at the same time, they're quite philosophical, if things are bad they focus on a time when things will be better and how other people have it much worse.  Other friends cycle through the same problems over and over and don't take much action to resolve them.  I realised that it isn't that I don't like those people, I just don't want to listen to their problems because they're always the same!  So I've made a mental pact with myself to stick to text with some people and use phone for others

Didn't feel as tired or under the weather today.  I've done a bit more cleaning and a bit more painting.  We went out for lunch and did a bit of shopping.  I cooked a nice tea and had a nice bath.  I did my yoga this morning and enjoyed it a lot and have some night time meditations for when I go to sleep this evening.  I haven't actively done any work on 'the abuse' because I'm trying to go with how I feel at the minute, and what I'm feeling is creating a nest and lots of comfort.

[Bettyanne]

Hi Twoapenny,
I can also relate a little to you about your son.  My only brother was born with cerebral palsy,  leaving him not able to walk or talk about 3 to 6 months physically.  Of course my NM ran away from the situation going to work and leaving him with her 65 year old mother at the time.  I was born 3 years later into this dysfunctional situation of a mother who didn't want to be involved with her sons condition.  When I was six he was nine he started taking convulsions....you can just imagine a elderly woman trying to handle that.  When you mention wheelchair I used to put my brother in his wheel chair and hop on the back of it and ride it up and down the sidewalk. 

Amazing how a innocent child was left to such poor care at home by his own mother.  My grandmother at age 75 fell and broke her hip carrying him into the yard.  I think maybe he weighed around 60 or 70 lbs....I have no idea how much he was.  So until my grandmother could be left alone my mother stayed home.  But it really didn't matter she was home.....she was never a loving mother. 

But I am thinking of you and you caring for your son daily ?? That is a big order of the day for you and your life.....
Your a loving mother trying to do the right thing by your son.....but also you need to be good to yourself.....
Its not a easy situation at all......and very demanding one ......

I don't know your situation....but I am here for you anytime.......Bettyanne xoxo

[lighter]

Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages.  I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).

Soooo - Day 1 of healing!  Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit.  I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on.  So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on.  So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat). Good for you!  Just  noticing the SHOULDs, and naming them.... acknowledging them is powerful, IME.

I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan.  Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable.  I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).Yes yes yest to mommy food in the fridge and freezer.  I cooked a ham, and a pork butt on Saturday filling the house with lovely smells, and comfort food.  New potatoes and green beans with the pork butt were just right. 

I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).

He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test.  I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted.  There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak.  I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head?  Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life).  So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie.  But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it.  I know that shot of adrenaline with people do bad and shocking things without concern for our children.  I hope you can stop the spiral, pay attention to what feelings come up, and just sit with them till they're diminished or banished.  I'm not really shocked bio d is doing this.... just sad that it seems to have no end.  And it will end, Tupp.  Just know that. /color]

So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with!  He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing.  Go him   Yay yay, Tupp.  I was going to say you can resist jumping through hoops and disproving negatives... we don't always have to do do do that, though it's still a rather new conclusion for me.  Revelation, actually.

I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds.  But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away.  I don't need them now.Yes, have them, name them, sort them, give them space inside your intenal world to inhabit, and more space opens up for shiny new things, IME: )

I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Will update tomorrow!  Thank you ((((Tupp))))  x

[Twoapenny]

Hi Twoapenny,
I can also relate a little to you about your son.  My only brother was born with cerebral palsy,  leaving him not able to walk or talk about 3 to 6 months physically.  Of course my NM ran away from the situation going to work and leaving him with her 65 year old mother at the time.  I was born 3 years later into this dysfunctional situation of a mother who didn't want to be involved with her sons condition.  When I was six he was nine he started taking convulsions....you can just imagine a elderly woman trying to handle that.  When you mention wheelchair I used to put my brother in his wheel chair and hop on the back of it and ride it up and down the sidewalk. 

Amazing how a innocent child was left to such poor care at home by his own mother.  My grandmother at age 75 fell and broke her hip carrying him into the yard.  I think maybe he weighed around 60 or 70 lbs....I have no idea how much he was.  So until my grandmother could be left alone my mother stayed home.  But it really didn't matter she was home.....she was never a loving mother. 

But I am thinking of you and you caring for your son daily ?? That is a big order of the day for you and your life.....
Your a loving mother trying to do the right thing by your son.....but also you need to be good to yourself.....
Its not a easy situation at all......and very demanding one ......

I don't know your situation....but I am here for you anytime.......Bettyanne xoxo

Thank you, BettyAnne.  Sorry to read of your brother's difficulties, what happened once your grandma couldn't care for him any longer?  Selfish parents and disabled children just don't mix (selfish parents and children without disabilities aren't a good combination either but having a child that can't adjust if they're neglected emotionally or physically is just way out of the sphere of an N parent, I feel).  My mum spent years making false allegations about my son (claiming his disabilities were the result of abuse that I inflicted on him).  I have wondered if she just couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention and had to put the limelight back on her in some way.  It was funny that she has been so critical of the way in which myself and my sister parent (ie by loving our kids and putting them first) and yet she has always refused to even begin to tolerate the idea that our childhood was anything less than perfect.  Odd situation.  Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated.  My boy is doing pretty well at the moment so things are moving along well, and the weather has perked up which just makes everything easier

[Twoapenny]

Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages.  I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).

Soooo - Day 1 of healing!  Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit.  I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on.  So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on.  So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat). Good for you!  Just  noticing the SHOULDs, and naming them.... acknowledging them is powerful, IME.

I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan.  Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable.  I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).Yes yes yest to mommy food in the fridge and freezer.  I cooked a ham, and a pork butt on Saturday filling the house with lovely smells, and comfort food.  New potatoes and green beans with the pork butt were just right. 

I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).

He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test.  I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted.  There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak.  I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head?  Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life).  So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie.  But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it.  I know that shot of adrenaline with people do bad and shocking things without concern for our children.  I hope you can stop the spiral, pay attention to what feelings come up, and just sit with them till they're diminished or banished.  I'm not really shocked bio d is doing this.... just sad that it seems to have no end.  And it will end, Tupp.  Just know that. /color]

So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with!  He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing.  Go him   Yay yay, Tupp.  I was going to say you can resist jumping through hoops and disproving negatives... we don't always have to do do do that, though it's still a rather new conclusion for me.  Revelation, actually.

I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds.  But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away.  I don't need them now.Yes, have them, name them, sort them, give them space inside your intenal world to inhabit, and more space opens up for shiny new things, IME: )

I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Will update tomorrow!  Thank you ((((Tupp))))  x

Thank you, Lighter   Much appreciated, as always

The week took on a funny life of its own.  The computer died so no internet access at home.  Everything took a lot longer to do because I had to do things in the real world instead of online, lol, so a simple money transfer that usually takes me less than five minutes took over an hour and there were a lot more things like that.  I also found out that the doctor we saw in January hasn't made any of the other referrals he was supposed to, so we are still no further forward with things like the wheelchair, ruling out scary conditions and getting the information we need to start the process of getting my son into a specialist school or managing his transition from child to adult disability benefits for his next birthday.  Everything takes months and months so I really needed it to be done, he said he would do it and the arse hasn't.  Another appointment with another doctor had to be postponed because there's nothing much he can do without the other appointments having happened so I went through that thing of not knowing whether I was angry or upset, really.  I find the callous way professionals can just not do something, even though they know the effect on the child is detrimental, very difficult to stomach and that along with bio dad playing his little stunt and I just wanted to scoop my boy up and run away to a place where no-one can find him.  Anyway, that wasn't a possibility so I have just focused on trying to give myself an easier time.  I let myself feel angry instead of thinking I shouldn't and we ended up going to the pub in the village for lunch for the first time.  I've wanted to go in there but felt nervous about it, but the anger made me realise that when I feel angry I don't feel my usual lack of confidence so I put my brightest, most sparkly clothes on and off we went.  It was really lovely, very nice people, nice food and will definitely become a place I cultivate in the future.

I've done a bit more work on the flat; it's all part done at the moment so it feels a bit like I've bitten off more than I can chew at times but I can see it all coming together and it's exciting.  I picked up a beautiful lamp in the charity shop for my bedroom and it's made such a big difference to the way I feel when I go to bed.

The weather has been lovely so we've had some nice walks; even the dogs around here are friendly!  We have a nice interaction every time we go out, either with our neighbours or with people we bump into as we're walking.  The girl in the local grocery shop is so lovely and friendly that I feel like I'm being welcomed by family when I go in there (not my own family, obviously ).  I have got an awful lot to be grateful and thankful for at the moment and I am really relishing and enjoying it.  My son's health is pretty good at the minute so I'm making the most of being able to get out more.  Things are generally going well

[Twoapenny]

Just writing this down before I forget, but I feel good!  Something inside just feels stronger and more connected; I don't really know how to describe it but it feels nice   The subtle, low level anxiety that is always present just doesn't seem to be there at the moment.  I'm assuming that the yoga and meditation are helping with that.  There's a workman coming out this morning to change the electric meter and usually I'd be freaking because the flat isn't tidy and I'm not dressed yet but instead I'm enjoying my tea and writing on the forum

The weather here is lovely at the moment and I do think that plays a big part for me.  Sunlight just makes a big difference and being able to go out in a T shirt and flip flops is lovely.  We had a day out with friends yesterday - seeing them was lovely but the theme park we went to was awful.  I calmly made a complaint by email when we got home last night but it hasn't left me with the sense of failure I usually have if a day out doesn't go to plan.  We've got a quiet day at home today, and then days out tomorrow and Friday (to places we've been to before so it should all go a lot better).  All in all things are going well.

[lighter]

Tupp:

Finding serenity in the midst of chaos...... chaos that would usually send us spinning..... it's HUGE, IME. I do think paying attention to your internal world is helping.... I do.  I'm trying to figure out how to download the Netflix video Inn Saei so everyone can see it.... ahhh now my phone won't sinc.  Always something. 

 So many connections, so many things our brains DO that are blocked, can be unblocked.... I see something new every time I watch the same information over and over..... why some of us are capable of self reflection and some of us are devastated by our deficits when we become aware of them.... one side of our brain can DO that... the other sees the deficit as BELONGING TO SOMEONE ELSE!  I'm talking specifically about something people can SEE... a limb that no longer functions.... their OWN limb in front of them..... what about personality traits that tear their lives apart?  THIS is part of the solution.  So many parts.

About you feeling better, Tupp..... that's wonderful to read.  It's also something that will come and go, but trust it will come back.  Really focus on what you're doing that works, and pay attention to what's going on for you.  It comes back, and at some point it stays if we're consistent, and attentive.  We can be that, Tupp: )

::nodding::

I'm sorry the doctor didn't make the referrals and do his job. 

I'm hoping he now goes above and beyond in effort, humility and care to make up for it.  I'm praying some good comes to you and your son, bc of the wait, and timing of events.  This has happened for me in different ways.... someone traveling slowly in front of me in a car, then I just miss a deer bc I was traveling at that speed.... getting a huge point of purchase job after the buyer stole the first idea I pitched.... he gave the job to his buddy, who botched it badly.  The buyer admitted it, then referred me to the woman who replaced him in his job, and she gave me banners, and large displays to produce.  It was a wonderful account.

Things are going to be OK, (((Tupp and son)))  Remember to breath... full deep breaths, and to keep your head where your feet are; )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter   It is amazing how you can change things, although what I realise looking back is that sometimes I didn't realise I was changing, if that makes sense?  But thank goodness there are aspects of ourselves that we can do something about (even if it's just accepting that 'bit' and not worrying about it anymore).

I did boundary practise today!  My sister wanted to talk about her ex (again!).  I did realise that I tend to let other people steer the conversations so I talked about myself without waiting to be asked and managed to make the conversation more of a two way thing.  Maybe other people expect you to jump in and volunteer information rather than thinking to ask you?  It hadn't really occurred to me before that different people might have different ways of talking like that.

I've been working on my son's room and it looks amazing   I bought him a huge shelving unit for his Lego collection.  I've painted it, got it put together and filled it with Lego today.  That freed up his old shelving unit which is now in my room, and the shelving I was using can go out to the shed for the paint and DIY stuff to go on.  We've got a day out planned tomorrow which he is really excited about.

My sister keeps posting a lot of anti-paedophile/sex offender stuff on Facebook.  She and I have never really talked about the sexual abuse and I don't know if he abused her as well or not.  She lets her daughter spend time at my mum and step-dad's house.  She might have blocked it out/think it wouldn't happen again/feel that if my mum's there it would be okay.  She might not believe he abused me.
Not sure whether to bring it up or not.  It might be her way of showing she wants to talk about what happened to her.  It might be more of my usual family head in the sand, let's pretend that never happened stuff.

[Hopalong]

That's a huge (and urgent, for your niece) question, Tupp.

Can you make an appt to talk it over with your T?

love,
Hops