How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp:

If the friend was a positive person, with good memories attached, then consider re connecting perhaps.

If thing aren't super friendly, and feel just right.... perhaps not.

It seems like it's one more contact to inform your FOO about where you are, and what you're doing... even if it's by accident, IME.

Really ask yourself... if this feels good and right, and positive. 

It's OK to say NO to people who show up at the wrong time or aren't what you really need in your life, etc.  It's OK to ask for more, and expect more from people (((Tupp.)))

Don't ask, don't get, IME.

Lighter

Hi Lighter, yep, it was a funny one.  I've met her three times, the first two occasions were so lovely, I was really excited because I felt like I could make a new friend.  Last time she was like a different person, seemed quite hostile to the world and made several 'jokes' at my expense.  I love banter and I'm not a shrinking violet myself when it comes to jokes but I've become finely tuned over the years and I know the difference between a joke and a dig and my antennae were pinging.  But it was very different to how she'd been the previous times so may have just been a bad day.  I think I'm going to meet up with her again and see how it goes.  If the most recent visit is a sign of things to come then I will avoid   Kind of feel alright about it as well - sort of more relieved that I can see it coming quicker now?  In the past I've found myself very enmeshed with someone before I've realised I'm in a pattern again, now it seems to come quicker   How are things with you? x

[Hopalong]

My unvarnished, not-awake-yet response, fwiw:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Doesn't mean I'm correct in this instance but I do believe that the
FIRST "dig" or "joke at your expense" IS NOT 'HAVING A BAD DAY.'

It's the person showing you who they are.

As Maya Angelou said, "When a person tells you who they are, believe them."

Maybe it's your healthy functioning spidey sense, Tupp.
Don't go rationalizing it away, eh?

I could be wrong, of course, but hope you won't either feel paranoid if you decide to continue
to see this person, or feel guilty if you decide to avoid building a possibly hurtful friendship.

I'm totally confident you'll sort it out.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

My unvarnished, not-awake-yet response, fwiw:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Doesn't mean I'm correct in this instance but I do believe that the
FIRST "dig" or "joke at your expense" IS NOT 'HAVING A BAD DAY.'

It's the person showing you who they are.

As Maya Angelou said, "When a person tells you who they are, believe them."

Maybe it's your healthy functioning spidey sense, Tupp.
Don't go rationalizing it away, eh?

I could be wrong, of course, but hope you won't either feel paranoid if you decide to continue
to see this person, or feel guilty if you decide to avoid building a possibly hurtful friendship.

I'm totally confident you'll sort it out.

Hugs
Hops

Lol, Hops you are so funny when you're in 'direct speaking' mode

In all honesty I suspect I am seeing her as she really is and that the previous occasions were different because she was making more of an effort.  But having said that I've been feeling pretty crabby and spiky lately hence my benefit of the doubt approach.  But it's fine either way.  I am going to meet up with her again and I'm quite interested in how that goes.  If it doesn't go well then I won't feel bad about not taking it further.  If it does turn out it was just an off day then fair enough.  I'll see what happens.  But all good either way.  It feels quite nice because I feel like I've kind of taken the risk to get to know someone (I know I knew her at school but who you are at fifteen can be very different to who you are at 45 so it feels like getting to know someone now) but gone into it with an open mind and if it isn't right, it will be no more.  I will keep you all updated!  Thank you xx

PS I love Maya Angelou!

[lighter]

I agree with Hops here.....

never make the first excuse for someone's bad behavior. 

That goes doubly if it's pointed AT you, IME.

If you have to see her again, you could let her know that you weren't comfortable with the digs, and you can't be friends if it happens again.
Or not; )

Lighter

[JustKathy]

I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't.  I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot.  What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what.  And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic.

I visit that "what if" place all the time. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I can't help thinking about it, almost obsessing over it. I know, without a doubt, that my life would have been SO much different if I had been allowed to develop normally, encouraged to pursue my talents, allowed to take the music and drama classes I wanted instead of the chemistry classes I was forced into, taught proper social skills, and like you, given the self-respect to hold out for normal love rather than settling for whatever came along, even if it were toxic.

I look back on my early career and am so envious of my "normal" co-workers who were raised in fuctional households. They all went to college after high school, and were hired into good jobs at the studio, while I slogged away in the mailroom, waiting until I was 30 years old before I could afford to send myself to college. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time, I feel like I have a right to mourn the life I was denied. A stronger person could have gotten past most of those obstacles, but when you're tossed out at 18 with no self-esteem, underdeveloped social skills, and various other emotional issues ...well, I just never had a chance. Did any of us? I'm guessing, probably not.

I never thought about this when I was younger, but now in my fifties, with my career behind me, that sense of grief is very real.

[Twoapenny]

I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't.  I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot.  What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what.  And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic.

I visit that "what if" place all the time. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I can't help thinking about it, almost obsessing over it. I know, without a doubt, that my life would have been SO much different if I had been allowed to develop normally, encouraged to pursue my talents, allowed to take the music and drama classes I wanted instead of the chemistry classes I was forced into, taught proper social skills, and like you, given the self-respect to hold out for normal love rather than settling for whatever came along, even if it were toxic.

I look back on my early career and am so envious of my "normal" co-workers who were raised in fuctional households. They all went to college after high school, and were hired into good jobs at the studio, while I slogged away in the mailroom, waiting until I was 30 years old before I could afford to send myself to college. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time, I feel like I have a right to mourn the life I was denied. A stronger person could have gotten past most of those obstacles, but when you're tossed out at 18 with no self-esteem, underdeveloped social skills, and various other emotional issues ...well, I just never had a chance. Did any of us? I'm guessing, probably not.

I never thought about this when I was younger, but now in my fifties, with my career behind me, that sense of grief is very real.

It's a fine line, isn't it, between looking back and allowing yourself to grieve and wonder but at the same time not wallowing or allowing it to hold you back now - where's the line between the two?  I do find it difficult.  The other thing that always strikes me is that having difficulties in life, whatever they are, takes up a lot of time and energy, so you've worked as hard as someone else who had an easier time, but they get ahead faster because what they're working on takes them forward whereas what we work on just brings us up to functioning.  That's something I struggle with at times.

I remember when Friends Reunited first came out (do you have that in the States?) that I swopped 'what you up to' stories with someone in my year at school and her life was so much happier, fuller and healthier than mine.  She didn't have the qualifications that I do, she hadn't worked the sort of hours that I had, she hadn't overcome addiction problems the way I had but despite the fact I'd worked so hard I still felt my life was so empty compared to hers, because she'd married this great guy, they both had lovely families, everything was very supportive and so they'd built a really nice life.  I'm quite sure there would have been problems and difficulties along the way but it's just a different ball park.  I do try not to compare myself to other people all the time (and however bad your situation is there's always someone much, much worse off) but there have been and are times that it sort of hits me that I have to run constantly just to stand still whilst others just sort of roll out of bed in the morning and things go well for them.

Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy?  I'm aware that some opportunities have passed but I'm trying to give myself the encouragement that no-one else did now.  I can't see myself becoming a professional musician but it would be nice to be able to hold a tune again   I think perhaps I've spent too much time focusing on people (and whether they like me or are in my life) and maybe I ought to be focusing more on hobbies or achievements, even if they're just achievements for me, rather than being things other people would see as achievements, if that make sense?

[Hopalong]

I am learning so much from these Very Old People I see every day...really giving me perspective (and warning). I completely understand the grief for the Life Not Lived or the Love Not Found. I was stuck in that for quite a while. And I'd better watch out or I'll do another round, especially in winter.

My hope now is to do everything I possibly can to embrace the present, with all its reality. I believe with all my heart and mind that in the present, if we stop comparing ourselves to hypothetical futures that can never happen...is the Only Possible Location Of Fulfillment.

The present. What you do, how you feel (and how you manage the seductive urge to ruminate), what possibilities (however reduced) are in front of you now, which present themselves as choices now, are within your grasp now.

If you invest your present with meaning, and are open to fulfillment happening now, that's when it becomes possible. For me, feeling that grief so fully (and repeatedly) finally began to actually bore me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life bitter about what came before, I really did NOT. So that released me from its grip. I stopped comparing myself to others (there are moments, but overall), learned more about mindfulness, and found that happiness is actually, most of all, a decision.

The old people are showing me that. One is bitter, complains, and belittles others. Another is funny, kind and takes pleasure in simple things. A third focuses intensely every day on what she is grateful for. She means it. She is literally transported by the beauty of a tree, the sky, or a porch-side visit from a cardinal. She allows beauty to enter her. She laughs at every opportunity.

(With one kidney and a failing heart. She expresses joy and gratitude for beauty in the present.)

The shape of dreams changes, but the capacity to dream dreams...is always within us.

My ex-H, a sculptor, once said to me, "I hate big houses. I'd much rather have a tiny house and make it into a jewel."

That's always stayed with me. And I think the same thing applies to the Lives Not Lived and the Opportunities Others Got and the Family I Didn't Have.

When you turn that corner, and throw away the list of disappointments, it's a new world. Maybe a smaller, less grandiose one. But if you're still in it, it's a good world.

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I am learning so much from these Very Old People I see every day...really giving me perspective (and warning). I completely understand the grief for the Life Not Lived or the Love Not Found. I was stuck in that for quite a while. And I'd better watch out or I'll do another round, especially in winter.

My hope now is to do everything I possibly can to embrace the present, with all its reality. I believe with all my heart and mind that in the present, if we stop comparing ourselves to hypothetical futures that can never happen...is the Only Possible Location Of Fulfillment.

The present. What you do, how you feel (and how you manage the seductive urge to ruminate), what possibilities (however reduced) are in front of you now, which present themselves as choices now, are within your grasp now.

If you invest your present with meaning, and are open to fulfillment happening now, that's when it becomes possible. For me, feeling that grief so fully (and repeatedly) finally began to actually bore me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life bitter about what came before, I really did NOT. So that released me from its grip. I stopped comparing myself to others (there are moments, but overall), learned more about mindfulness, and found that happiness is actually, most of all, a decision.

The old people are showing me that. One is bitter, complains, and belittles others. Another is funny, kind and takes pleasure in simple things. A third focuses intensely every day on what she is grateful for. She means it. She is literally transported by the beauty of a tree, the sky, or a porch-side visit from a cardinal. She allows beauty to enter her. She laughs at every opportunity.

(With one kidney and a failing heart. She expresses joy and gratitude for beauty in the present.)

The shape of dreams changes, but the capacity to dream dreams...is always within us.

My ex-H, a sculptor, once said to me, "I hate big houses. I'd much rather have a tiny house and make it into a jewel."

That's always stayed with me. And I think the same thing applies to the Lives Not Lived and the Opportunities Others Got and the Family I Didn't Have.

When you turn that corner, and throw away the list of disappointments, it's a new world. Maybe a smaller, less grandiose one. But if you're still in it, it's a good world.

love,
Hops

Yes that's true, Hops, it's the see sawing back and forth that's difficult, isn't it?  I go through phases where everythings okay, then it sweeps up from somewhere and I suddenly feel bereft or very resentful (or both!).  Part of the healing process, I suppose.  I go through it with my son as well - there are times when I can't listen to other people talking about all the things their kids are doing because I suddenly feel sad/angry/upset that my son can't do all of those things.  Other times it's not a problem at all and I'm genuinely delighted for them, but I suppose that's the nature of feelings and emotions (and actually, probably something I didn't learn in childhood.  My mum liked Stepford wife type children around her, no problems, no emotions, just vacant smiles that didn't require attention.)

The getting older part of life is on my mind a lot these days and I very desperately don't want to become bitter and constantly critical of others.  Equally I don't want to endlessly pretend I'm happy if I'm not.  It's an odd pattern in life for me, peaks and troughs.  I go through phases where, however hard I try, I don't find pleasure in small, every day things.  Sometimes the resentment's too strong.  But then other times it goes and I'm back to being able to enjoy the moon or a bright sunny day or my friendly neighbours.

I like the idea of making a tiny home into a jewel

[Hopalong]

I get it. Me too.

Easy to preach "accept, age with grace, find dignity in what is" and especially troublesome (for me too) to actually practice what's preached, as in ..."let it gooooooooooooo."

I am the Queen Champion Reigning Empress of NOT Letting Go.

Losing my beloved D really genuinely kicked the stuffing out of me, because if I didn't eventually let it go, I think I would've sunk into lifetime depression, some form of grief-madness, or both. Plus probably alcoholism.

It's still hard and I don't think it'd be realistic of me to expect that waves of grief or loss or regret would go away. I shouldn't describe it as though I have achieved that. I think all I've really gotten to is that I vehemently don't want to be as unhappy as I was so intensely for so many years. It began to feel not just depressing or sad, but dangerous. Dangerous to be in that much pain for that long.

Gained weight, drank too much for a time, hair began falling out, and dark o' night questions like, What is the purpose of my life... began sirening away. I think the Very Old People are bringing me back to life. Partly because they need me, but also because they give me someone to love and help.

So whatever experience I can call on to steer me away from the ledge, I'm calling on!

(And I'm contemplating renewing the Geezer Hunt. Who knows?)

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I get it. Me too.

Easy to preach "accept, age with grace, find dignity in what is" and especially troublesome (for me too) to actually practice what's preached, as in ..."let it gooooooooooooo."

I am the Queen Champion Reigning Empress of NOT Letting Go.

Losing my beloved D really genuinely kicked the stuffing out of me, because if I didn't eventually let it go, I think I would've sunk into lifetime depression, some form of grief-madness, or both. Plus probably alcoholism.

It's still hard and I don't think it'd be realistic of me to expect that waves of grief or loss or regret would go away. I shouldn't describe it as though I have achieved that. I think all I've really gotten to is that I vehemently don't want to be as unhappy as I was so intensely for so many years. It began to feel not just depressing or sad, but dangerous. Dangerous to be in that much pain for that long.

Gained weight, drank too much for a time, hair began falling out, and dark o' night questions like, What is the purpose of my life... began sirening away. I think the Very Old People are bringing me back to life. Partly because they need me, but also because they give me someone to love and help.

So whatever experience I can call on to steer me away from the ledge, I'm calling on!

(And I'm contemplating renewing the Geezer Hunt. Who knows?)

love,
Hops

I think 'The Geezer Hunt' has blog written all over it

Yes, it's the knowledge and the yearning, I think, I don't think anyone would really choose misery and emptiness over joy and happiness but it is hard to let go - letting go of hope in particular, I think.  And maybe you do need to get to 'a bad place' with unhealthy habits before you can start working your way back up again and trying to move forward.  I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not.  I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's perhaps and particularly in your situation with your D, that's so hard to cope with.  We all stumble on, don't we, two steps forward, pause, maybe slide a little, lurch forward again.  A bit like those early days of learning to drive x

[JustKathy]

Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy?

I think I can, at least some of it. My career isn’t coming back, but being out of the workplace has freed me up to pursue something I’ve always wanted to do, which is write. Unfortunately I keep getting stalled by obstacles related to the Ns in my life. Even though I’ve always been told that I’m a good writer, and even have some published articles, I still lack the self confidence to believe in my own work. First it was my N mum, then it was my husband, who I now realize is also an N.

I need to find a new therapist to help me work on my self esteem. I have two books partially written, but I keep walking away from them believing that my work is no good, or that no one would want to read what I have to say (N-husband has repeatedly said that about the memoir I started). In many ways, he’s done more emotional damage than N-Mother did. I know I need to exit the relationship in the same way that I left my N-mother, but this one is going to take a lot of time and planning. Leaving a bad marriage isn’t easy when you have a house full of pets, no source of income, and crippling anxiety.

So right now I’m caught in this endless loop of going from inspired, to being discouraged, and back again. I need to follow your advice and give myself the encouragement that I should have gotten from “loved ones,” but didn’t. I can’t do it alone, though. I definitely need to find a new therapist to help me out of this funk.

I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's ...

It's very hard to accept, especially when the person causing the unhappiness is someone you love (or used to love). Having the knowledge that the person suffered from a personality disorder is only a small comfort. I know my mother had NPD, and I know why she did what she did, but that knowledge isn't going to help me accept the situation on any level. I have personal unhappiness from things I did to myself, like leaving jobs that I should have stuck with, but those were my own decisions. I was able to learn from my own mistakes and not repeat them. Unhappiness inflicted by another is a wound that simply won't heal.

[Twoapenny]

Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy?

I think I can, at least some of it. My career isn’t coming back, but being out of the workplace has freed me up to pursue something I’ve always wanted to do, which is write. Unfortunately I keep getting stalled by obstacles related to the Ns in my life. Even though I’ve always been told that I’m a good writer, and even have some published articles, I still lack the self confidence to believe in my own work. First it was my N mum, then it was my husband, who I now realize is also an N.

I need to find a new therapist to help me work on my self esteem. I have two books partially written, but I keep walking away from them believing that my work is no good, or that no one would want to read what I have to say (N-husband has repeatedly said that about the memoir I started). In many ways, he’s done more emotional damage than N-Mother did. I know I need to exit the relationship in the same way that I left my N-mother, but this one is going to take a lot of time and planning. Leaving a bad marriage isn’t easy when you have a house full of pets, no source of income, and crippling anxiety.

So right now I’m caught in this endless loop of going from inspired, to being discouraged, and back again. I need to follow your advice and give myself the encouragement that I should have gotten from “loved ones,” but didn’t. I can’t do it alone, though. I definitely need to find a new therapist to help me out of this funk.

I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's ...

It's very hard to accept, especially when the person causing the unhappiness is someone you love (or used to love). Having the knowledge that the person suffered from a personality disorder is only a small comfort. I know my mother had NPD, and I know why she did what she did, but that knowledge isn't going to help me accept the situation on any level. I have personal unhappiness from things I did to myself, like leaving jobs that I should have stuck with, but those were my own decisions. I was able to learn from my own mistakes and not repeat them. Unhappiness inflicted by another is a wound that simply won't heal.

Aw Kathy, it's very difficult when you realise you are in an external situation that makes it difficult to do the things you need and want to do, such as a difficult marriage, unpleasant job etc.  I do think good therapists are worth their weight in gold.  I think just having someone else doing some of the work for you helps,  so that you don't have to constantly be the one to tell yourself you're good, you're worth it, you're not a failure.  It is nice to hear positive (yet not sycophantic) encouragement from other people.  It is a good food for the soul.  And I agree, I can see that my mum 'has problems' but I struggle with all the people around her who have never stepped in, particularly when my sister and I were little.  We had relatives who could just have taken us for days out every now and again or had us to stay for the weekend, just to give us a bit of respite from her, but no-one bothered.  I think what's great about a good therapist is that they can pull out the good bits in that mire of negativity; it's very hard to see the gold when you're digging through dirt.  But I do remember a therapist pointing out to me that my upbringing had made me resourceful, compassionate, empathetic, hard working and a whole list of other positive traits (which I should have written down, lol).  I hope you can find a good T.  I experience the loop of enthusiasm, going for it, getting knocked back, feeling too tired to get back on the horse and so on.  I've been shockingly tired all this week but for some reason today I am feeling enthusiastic again.  There's no rhyme or reason to it sometimes. x

[Twoapenny]

I am feeling reckless?  Energised? Strong?  Foolhardy?  I'm really not sure which.  But I am feeling that I am at some sort of crossroads, mostly, I think, because my son is coming to the age of transitioning from child to man (or half man maybe, I don't know if child to man is too big a leap!  But certainly no longer a child).  I am probably at the half way ish point of my life and I am thinking that if I want my life to change quite drastically then I do need to get my bum into gear and do something about that.  I'm also aware that my health is suffering, largely through stress and exhaustion, and that my son will need life time care and that obviously I won't be able to provide that for him.

I am finding myself wondering if I've put too much emphasis on enduring a crappy situation and if I should put more emphasis on changing my crappy situation.  I know that all of our earlier experiences with child protection stuff (via my mum) really knocked my confidence and I have just wanted to hide for a long time now.  I spend a lot of time and money on health related stuff but at the same time I'm aware that my health related problems could probably be helped by us doing more fun stuff and enjoying ourselves more.  I feel scared of venturing out into the big wide world again but I am getting to the point where staying like this is frightening me more.

Soooo - I'm not too sure what to do next!  I'm still struggling to prioritise my time and work out what's most important.  Short term or long term goals.  Planning for things that haven't happened yet, but that are possibilities and will cause a lot of stress if they do happen.  Perhaps enjoying myself more will mean I cope with the stress better if it does happen.  I am very frightened to show any kinks in my armour, particularly when it can affect my son.  Although he is older and stronger now and isn't as vulnerable as he used to be.  Anyway, I'm going to try and will keep you updated x

[Twoapenny]

Following on from my ruminations yesterday about accepting crappy situations, I have been thinking about this more and more.  I have been trying to find some meaning in all the horrible things that have happened to me over the years and some sort of spiritual depth to it all, along the lines of suffering makes you wise, develops you as a person and so on.  And part of that has been practising acceptance and trying to be happy within my situation.  But I am starting to wonder where the line is between acceptance and resignation, and what the difference is between accepting and failing to strive, or a lack of ambition?

I'm finding it quite perplexing (and very interesting!) because as the years have gone on our situation has got worse.  There are fewer and fewer people in my life that I want to have around me.  Money gets tighter each year - world economics going on there so slightly limited in some of the ways I can deal with that.  I get more and more tired, my health dips a little lower.  My son's needs keep increasing, mostly through age (as in the amount of care he needs compared to a teenager his age increases as the gap between him and his peers grows as he gets older).  My mum is still soldiering on, lol, and ten years ago I honestly thought that she wouldn't last more than another couple due to the four decades she has spent pickling her liver and being obnoxious to people but still she thrives.

So I am starting to wonder if I should have been less accepting of the cards I was being dealt.  I've talked a lot on here about being hurt by 'friends' turning out to be anything but and how much that's hurt and upset me, but I've been thinking over the last couple of years about what life might have been like if I'd followed the Uni/good career/world wide travel plan that I'd longed for since I was a teenager and whether I'd have been friends with any of the people I've been so upset about and do you know what, the answer's no.  How bizarre is that?  I've spent the last four years feeling sorry for myself and wondering what it is about me that puts people off and makes them not like me and the truth is we only became friends because our paths crossed at certain times and I've been desperate to find something good in our bad situation.  I wanted a family and wanted to create one from other people and I've had this notion for a long time that 'the cosmos' is at work somehow and was putting me in those situations so that I could meet these people and they would be my salvation, and there's no doubt that at the time I enjoyed their company and wouldn't have coped if I'd been as alone and friendless as I am now, but the truth is if I'd got my fancy teaching job abroad after my son was born and had then spent the next two years travelling with him these aren't people I'd have bothered to keep in touch with.  And yet I've never realised that before.  How weird is that.

I don't really know where that leaves me, other than feeling that I want change.  I want more excitement in my life, just not the kind created by my mum and other people.  I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want, other than it's something more.

[Twoapenny]

Argh!  Following on from my earlier thoughts I found myself yesterday wanting to be more spontaneous and getting out more.  With that in mind, we went out for a walk.  I decided to drive to a pond that I know, nice place to walk and teaming with wildlife but we rarely go there because when we go out for a walk I usually make it 'practical' so we walk to the village to run errands or down to the old train track (which means we don't waste petrol using the van).  But I fancied a change of scene so we went further afield.  I also decided to take the camera, the video camera and a few toys.  What I thought about as we were driving over there is that my head is full of ideas about things to do - photos to take, videos to shoot, projects to work on, but I rarely get on with any of it because I feel I have a long list of things I must do first.  For example, for my son to shoot a video I feel it ought to be from an educational perspective, so I feel we should script it first so that it is done 'properly'.  I would love to sell photographs that I take but before I embark on that I feel I ought to sift through the hundreds of photos I already have, sell what I can, learn all about lighting, buy a better camera and so on.  I was thinking about all of that as we drove along and I realised how many conditions I impose on myself before I allow myself to do things.  It has to be right.  And so I spend a lot of time planning, but not so much actually getting anything done (or just enjoying myself in the process)

With all of that in mind, I handed my son the video camera and he shot his own little film with no input from me.  While he was doing that, I took some photos of trees just for fun.  We went on our walk, my son took the camera and took pictures of whatever he fancied.  The pond is near an old steam train site, and the train went chugging past as we were walking by.  We chatted to a few dog walkers as we went around and enjoyed the sun.

I made some notes when we got home of other things we could do - a ride on the steam train, learn a bit more about film making, learn a few more types of tree or bird.  This morning I got up and started rifling through books.  We have masses of information here that I just don't pick up often enough and say to my son "Let's go and find an oak tree and learn all about it".  I also decided to try to learn more about sailing - he's been going for years and I've just looked on it as a leisure activity rather than learning about it, so I went online to order a book about sailing knots and sailing techniques.

While I was doing that it occurred to me that I have gone off piste.  I work to a list that always has daily things to do (yoga, exercise, meal planning, school work with son and so on) and because I stick to this list there isn't really much time to get on with things.  I realised I have a thing in my head that I can't attempt 'stuff' if I haven't done all the things on my list.  And then the memory of my T telling me, probably six or seven years ago now, that my list making habits were all about control and safety, actually really made sense to me for the first time.  I can see what she means now.  If I do everything on my list, then I can try the other things I want to do and it will be safe, because I've taken care of 'business' first.  But what I realised happens is I never (or very rarely) get through my list and so I rarely try the other things.  The next day I reset and go back to the beginning of the list, so I don't have the time, again, to try other stuff.

I'm not sure if this is making any sense because it's sort of pouring out of my head at the minute.

I think it relates back to the child abuse allegations - ten years ago now.  If I do everything on my list - the sensible, boring stuff - then no-one can accuse me of not looking after him properly.  But it just occurred to me as I'm typing this up that it isn't actually the end of the world if we go out, unplanned, and have chips for lunch instead of a proper meal, or if he's wearing odd socks because I haven't done any laundry yet this week.  Saying it seems obvious but I know that these minor things have terrified me over the years - any slight mistake on my part could give them an opportunity to take him away from me.  I'm not sure whether I feel relieved or revolted at the minute, I suddenly feel it's clear that I've been living a half life for the last decade because of what they did to me and the unfairness of it all.

So - I'm knackered after all of that!  Lol.  We are going sailing - in the wind and the rain today.  We're going to go for a ride on that steam train this afternoon.  I haven't done my food prep for the day, or the washing, or micromanaged my son - in fact I'm not even sure what he's up to at the minute, it's very quiet so I should probably check!  Not sure whether I feel elated or scared.  Bit blown away at the moment in all honesty.

Thank you for reading if you got to the end of all that.  I've no idea if it makes any sense at all!