My mother died

[Bettyanne]

My N mother died almost 5 years ago now.  Its funny I have worked so hard over my lifetime trying to understand what happened to me...over the years being raised by a N.  I always blamed most of things that happened negative to me on my NM.  But I have had some time now since she has passed( she was 100 years old when she did) so I was 69 years old when she finally passed.
She was the typical N....looked good to the outside world, she said and looked great....spent her life looking for attention I now see she never got in her childhood of course she didn't give much to me either.  She was so so empty inside.  Like that saying when you can hear a pin drop!  She was endlessly looking for that attention from men.....not sexual attention but aren't I the good girl? and I need you to say your so great Betty.  She got it from an endless list of men she was secretary to.......she worked full time for 85 of her 100 year and a half long life. I don't think it ever got filled.....like that garbage can with the bottom out of it! You could see and feel how much she needed that praise of what a good secretary she was.......I left our her father died when she was 4 years old and her mother didn't have much to offer her either. She had two brothers and one took his own life when he was 26 so its tells you a lot that her brothers didn't get much either being raised by a mother who had no education at all except to 3 rd grade in Ireland.  Sometimes just because you are not educated academically doesn't mean you have nothing to give but in this case she really didn't have much to offer her children.....which was sad..

Life with my NM was one of living with a dictator.  She made all decisions right or wrong.  Never consulted with my Dad who was a yes man to her and her needs.  My brother born 3 years before me never walked or talked he had cerebral palsy do to lack of oxygen at birth.  So guess what my NM does.....she leaves him with her mother, her mother who was around 65 years old so she could continue working with the men who could tell her she was a great secretary.  She ran from everything....good, bad or indifferent.  When I was born 3 years later nothing changed again.....her mother was there but this time I get put in day care centers.  She needed that attention from her job.  Mother hood didn't cut it.  My dad made a very good salary back in the 1940's so it wasn't money it was her need to escape. You could never speak to her about anything as she had all the answers no matter the subject.  She told me once someday I will come to see she is right and I am wrong....big ego she had about herself.

Today I see she really didn't have much together about life.  She saw herself working as supporting herself even with being paid a very low salary.  She always made an appearance to the world as being very religious, showing up to daily church and looking so saint like. She had as little to do with me as possible.  I started taking buses as a six year old to take myself to dancing school.  Then when I was 9 sent me to an awful girl school run by mean nuns.  I took 2 public buses to and from school leaving at 7:30 a.m. and not getting home until 4:30 pm all by myself.  My therapist said to me she never bonded with me as an infant and toddler and it continued allowing her to do such things to me because she never saw it as a normal mother that was not good situation to put a child in riding buses alone.

Everything was always about herself.....when I married...which was only months after my dad died of cancer at age 51, my brother died that week I got married and her mother who lived with us died a month to the day I got married.  3 deaths in a very short period of time.  I had always thought she didn't bother much with me because of my brother......but with 3 family members dead now....nothing changed.  Life for a child with a N mother is cruel.  To never have a loving mother is cruel and to have to figure your whole life out because nothing was ever shared with you ever.  I do think something was very off with her not to have attachment to her children, husband and her mother who not much to offer either.

So she is dead.....and I am glad she has passed but their is a feeling of never having had the normal love that a normal family gives their family.  I have a wonderful husband which has turned out to be the best part of my life and six kids...which I did the best I could with no role model....but we are not without fault or problems but I love my husband and all my kids...to the best of my ability despite my N mother and weak dad and crazy grandmother. If your N mother or N father has passed I would be interested if you could share your feelings on it....thanks Bettyanne

PS sometimes I feel so mad like I wish I could dig her up and let her have it....because she got away with so much and never ever said she was sorry for anything.....

[Hopalong]

This is such a sad story, Betty Anne.
I was sad to think of you on all those buses alone, a little girl bravely doing what she was expected to do.

I had a hollow mother too, but not quite as hollow as yours. It took me a very long time to forgive her, but I got there. Some Nparents never are forgiven, and that's the grace of their children's future...you get to decide for yourself how long she'll get to take up space in your head.

The power is yours now. To find ways to complete your healing, believe in the reality that your love for your own family is not just adequate but real and powerful.

The only part missing still is love for yourself. It takes a mighty effort for the child of an Nmother to stop being Cinderella (even after they're gone). But the goal is not to accept the role any more. To become determined, even if it's difficult or feels unnatural...to learn how to actively and intentionally love yourself.

You become your own Good Mother. By giving/thinking loving kindness toward yourself. In as many ways as you can come up with, and for the rest of your life. That is not the same thing as being selfish. It's recognizing that within you is still a child who at times feels unloved and neglected. And the only person who can make it up to her is not outside of yourself. It's you.

Your 60s is not too late to heal in amazing ways, and to continue to grow in ways that make life exciting and valuable to you...with experiments, small or large adventures (within or without). You CAN become happy.

And your mother is gone. Never to come back and do it better. She couldn't or wouldn't or both...and she's gone back to the universe. No longer a living part of it.

You are, though.

If you've never considered working with a wise and compassionate therapist, that'd be a pretty loving gift to yourself. Shame is the first enemy. Nparents teach their children to be ashamed of their natural needs for care, affection, and safety.

Don't be ashamed of that any more.

Glad you're writing here,
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Thank you for your kind reply.  When you mentioned the buses my own T said she expected me to be an adult as a child, taking care of myself so she didn't have to.  It surely fits what she did to me.  I think she also was expected to be an adult as a child and never gave it a thought that it was wrong.  That truly  tells you how my NM was.
I think your also right about loving ourselves.  Love was the part I never got from her.....not in words or actions.  If she bought me something from the money she earned from working she felt like she was giving herself but she was wrong....a child needs love.....not in a item...but hugs and kisses and hearing the words said to them....something she could not relate to.....but you have me putting my thinking cap on?  I think I really need to come up with something that will help me feel loved.....that was so sweet of you to say....thank you so much Hopalong...Bettyanne

[Twoapenny]

I think the lack of love in childhood leaves a huge hole   My mum filled hers with a perfect house, lots of money and an iron fist towards anyone who threatened her view of life.  I filled mine with addictions.  My mum hasn't passed yet, BettyAnne, but I think it will be a release for her and for me - even though I don't have contact with her she still causes problems.  Her need for attention is very much the way you describe with your mum, has to be the centre of 'something', even if it's something bad or unpleasant.  Just needs all eyes on her.  I think it's a great big tangle of emotions that we all have to work through (and the 'expecting you to be an adult when you're a child rang very true with me as well!'  Hope you are okay x

[Bettyanne]

Twoapenny, Thank you for your reply.  It's amazing how these NM's have all the same similar traits.  The addiction to having total attention despite a family or job or what ever is their thing.  I remember a few days before my NM passed (she had fell and broke her hip at 100 in the office) she was in a hospital and when I had visited this particular day instead of asking me to take something from her bed and put on the dresser.....she pointed with her finger back and forth showing me what she wanted me to do.....I just starred at her and said nothing....and looked at me and said What do you want?  her need to control never stopped. 
I think the main thing I miss from not having a real mother was the love they give their children. As you said a huge hole in our hearts. I also realize she would never change no matter how much I wished for it.  Her life was very small and circled around her own need to be love or we can call it attention.  I don't think she traveled very far from her little circle mentally.  Narcissistic personalities are very mentally sick but can appear so normal when they want to catch spider in the there nest.....Thanks again, Bettyanne

[Twoapenny]

I think you're right, BettyAnne, the lack of love is a real loss, although I have to say as I've got older I've realised that my mum can't love anyone human.  She adores her dogs, genuinely loves them and would do anything for them, the sort of unconditional love that most people have for their kids.  But she just can't cope with the interaction and having to make room for another persons needs, and their flaws (real or otherwise).  I don't think she even loves my step-dad (despite the fact she gave up on her own children for him) - I think it's more that he ticks the boxes she needs ticking for her perfect show life.  I still find it difficult to receive love (getting better at it!) but I am thankful that having my own son has shown me I'm able to give it without attaching strings to it.

And yes, the 'psychic' commands instead of just asking for something!  My mum always expected me to read her mind and to a certain extent I could - I just couldn't read my own.  Learning to do that now.  It's a tough journey but this board has helped me sooooo much - hang in there x

[sKePTiKal]

I really needed to read your post Hops. It seems we never stop needing those reminders to love ourselves, doesn't it? And that it takes a lot of forms, in the real world.

[Hopalong]

(((((PR))))

I needed to re-read it, myself.

I think I talk so much about self-love because I'm preaching to myself all the time.
Lots of shame-crumbs still to compost, even at this age.

Glad y'all put up with it.

Hugs,
Hops

[Bettyanne]

Thank you friends....for your kind replies...as I read I see that Love is so so important.....I know for sure that I wasn't shown how to love from my parents and grandparents.  All of them grew up poor in money and poor in knowing how to care for each other.  Maybe getting down to the nitty gritty is what is important here??
So if we all weren't care for by loving parents who didn't know how to love? where do we go from here?
I know with my six kids all grown and married etc etc......having my NM as their grandparent was not a good thing and I also see the ones she gave the most attention to she really harmed.  But I can't correct it at this point.
Just learning to love oneself is a job in it self.  Is it buying ourselves things or going on vacation...or it it being kind to ourselves on a daily basics.  I see that is what was truly missing in my life?  just having a healthy roll model..

I found one website call Mind Body Green.com.....its good in the sense you can put a topic your interested in and up will come different topics.

Thank you all.....

[Twoapenny]

Thank you friends....for your kind replies...as I read I see that Love is so so important.....I know for sure that I wasn't shown how to love from my parents and grandparents.  All of them grew up poor in money and poor in knowing how to care for each other.  Maybe getting down to the nitty gritty is what is important here??
So if we all weren't care for by loving parents who didn't know how to love? where do we go from here?
I know with my six kids all grown and married etc etc......having my NM as their grandparent was not a good thing and I also see the ones she gave the most attention to she really harmed.  But I can't correct it at this point.
Just learning to love oneself is a job in it self.  Is it buying ourselves things or going on vacation...or it it being kind to ourselves on a daily basics.  I see that is what was truly missing in my life?  just having a healthy roll model..

I found one website call Mind Body Green.com.....its good in the sense you can put a topic your interested in and up will come different topics.

Thank you all.....

Learning how to love yourself is such a big question, BettyAnne, and I think a lot of people struggle with it.  I have tried many, many different things over the years and still feel it is sometimes one step forward and two back, although I am progressing and generally moving forward.  Funnily sometimes I feel as though I have moved backwards but further down the line I can see that set back was actually a good thing and it has moved me forward, I just didn't know until later on!

For me, learning to love myself has meant putting boundaries in place and having to let go of  people who don't respect those boundaries or meet me half way.  It's taken me years (and I'm still learning) and it's been really hard - I've found it really tough to realise that people I cared about weren't really interested if I didn't give them what they wanted.  But slowly I am coming out of that with a small group of very good friends, some interesting and fun acquintances, some good connections on a more practical basis and feeling better about myself.  Self care is hugely important and I struggle with that a lot but I am trying!

With regards to buying things, one thing a therapist had me do was to buy things for the little girl in me.  The next day I saw a necklace that had 'I love you to the moon and back' and I bought it for little Tup.  That felt really nice.  Yesterday I bought some nice bits to help with my self care; some nice candles, herbal teas, posh coffee - just little things that say "you're good enough for this, you deserve it and I'm going to buy it for you".  For me that helps.

The online friends I have here are absolute rocks.  I can reveal things that I never talk about, even to therapists sometimes.  I never feel judged, or patronised, or that I'm taking up someone's time.  There's so much wisdom and compassion here, it blows me away

Any my son   He'll be sixteen next year and his childhood has been happy, despite all his health problems.  He's always felt safe.  He's never had a minute of not being or not feeling loved.  I've listened to him, I've taught him about emotions, I've taught him that he's to speak his mind, say how he feels and to be his own person.  There are restrictions, because of his learning difficulties, but he's mastered it in the way he is able to.  He's a cracking lad and I've done that.  I feel very proud of that   So those are some of the things that have helped me.  I'm getting there slowly.  You will too xx

[sKePTiKal]

I think the daily caring routine lasts longer and wears better on us, too. The little basics in life - small joys, understanding & kindenesses - help us be able to give that to others...

and in the process we discover that giving love, is often receiving it's gifts too.

[JustKathy]

Hi Bettyanne,

My NM died in 2013, on my birthday. I received an obligatory email the next day from my younger sister, who was very much NM's puppet. It was completely devoid of emotion, and said, believe it or not, "I wanted to wish you a Happy belated Birthday, and also tell you that Mum died last night." At first I thought it was a joke, that my NM was very much alive and trying to get a reaction out of me (I had been NC for many years). For nearly five years prior, NM had been claiming to be suffering terminal cancer with only weeks to live. I had finally concluded that she was faking it for attention, so was surprised to confirm that she had really passed.

So she is dead.....and I am glad she has passed but their is a feeling of never having had the normal love that a normal family gives their family.

Yes! Like you, I'm glad that she's gone. I'll admit to being delighted to get the news. My first reaction was, "My mother finally got me a decent birthday gift," though also, like you, I'm furious that she got away with so much, and that she never showed an ounce of remorse. She stole more than just my childhood. She stole a huge portion of my emotional well being, my confidence, my sense of self-worth. She even managed to steal my health (I've long suffered from an often disabling anxiety disorder).

And just when I think I'll never be whole, there are these amazing words from Hops:

Your 60s is not too late to heal in amazing ways

I turned 58 a few weeks ago. Birthdays are a bit weird now because they will forever be the anniversary of her death, but I try to look at it as the anniversary of my liberation. I still don't feel completely free, as my co-father has continued to harass me, but that has started to quiet down and I'm learning to heal. I've started writing like crazy, two books, a novel and a memoir. Right now the memoir is just an exercise for myself, to fill in all the pieces of my life with her. It's brought a lot of buried memories to the surface, but I think it's important that I'm now remembering all those things. It's helping me to really see what a complete monster she was, and that nothing that happened to me was my fault. I'm digging up old photos and letters from her that are validating all the things she did to me. The bulk of her abuse was gaslighting and sabotage. I still come upon therapists who doubt me, so that validation is everything.

I could ramble on and on, but just know that everything you wrote resonated with me. I'm glad that you're here on this board. My NM was very much alive when I joined this group, and the people here helped through my journey, from her torment, to her possibly-fake cancer, to her eventual death. It's been so comforting to have a safe place where I can feel free to openly say, "I'm glad she's dead." It's okay to be happy that she's gone. It really is. Let the healing begin ....

Kathy

[Bettyanne]

Hi Just Kathy......
Thank you for your response above.......Yes I have been trying to make some sense out of what happened in my life and no answer is better then what you wrote.  They are just plain....mean and it is so strange because we all think like the Hallmark mother day cards.....and all the words that sound so good and kind in them is what a mother is all about about......but in our case non of the words make sense.....their whole lives have always been about themselves. My T said you think your mother loved your kids but the truth is she didn't ....she used them to get more attention. 
What ever it is I need to do to feel better......the one thing I can say is my Mother is dead......she hasn't called me now in five years...so grateful for that.....the endless same conversations of What's New because she used me for news so she could call someone and repeat what I told her.....are over. 
Life is new and different without her......and so grateful for your kind response
Love, Bettyanne

[Bettyanne]

I forgot to include anxiety like yourself.....when I was 24 and had just given birth to my daughter....I was bleeding and staying at NM's house BIG MISTAKE.....I had 3 other babies too I asked her to stay with me as I was weak and couldn't take care of the kids.....she stayed to noon....she was a work alcoholic and never missed work...so she walked out the door and left me....I called doctor and he sent an ambulance for me....and I called her telling her she needed to come home.  Long story short here I ended up getting blood ....took the kids when I got out of hospital and went home.....but after that I felt if my own mother didn't care about me.....what is wrong with me?
I ended up in a mental hospital for a month......she never helped....and never came to see me in the hospital....but as bad as it was to go to mental hospital it was a new beginning to go to a therapist this was back in the 1967 and the best thing that ever happened to me.....I had years and years of pain and up evil to deal with her....but back then they didn't use the word narcissistic ......not until 2000 did I have a therapist tell me that is what my mother is.  But anxiety hit me bad after she died....my therapist said you have had anxiety your whole life from her. I think she is right and know she is right....thanks again....Bettyanne