Just when I thought it couldn't get worse it did

[Bettyanne]

  My son just told me a story that had happened back in 2003......My son was a victim of a priest who sexually abused him from age 11 to 16...buying him gifts etc...these men know exactly how to get to kids.  So about 29 men at that time hired a lawyer to sue the church for abused.  My son was one of the ones who were abused more because he was a favorite of this man.
 
So my son tells me that back in 2003 that my NM told my son he was in SIN for suing the church.....I was never told this before by him or my mother.  He had made a memorial to boys abused by priests......and had come to NJ where it took place with several other survivors. ( They were all young boys in grade school when it occurred. ) One of the survivors threw himself in front of train as he couldn't handle what happened to him. 

I find it was heartbreaking that she would say such a awful statement to a man who was abused for five years of his young life.  My husband and I didn't find out until years later.  I am beside myself that she had no compassion for her grandson and put the church before him.  This really shows how sick she was or should I say mean........tears

PS on a positive note.....he had his children and wife with him for the dedication of the memorial....and he would not allow my mother to see her great grandkids....that I feel good about.....I wish I had know....as she never deserved to see me or my family again.....hopefully it is warm where she is now....

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry your son was victimized, Bettyanne. Chills the soul.

Speaking of souls, I believe there is cruelty in repressive religions that teach obedience and compliance to (especially male) authority and to human-written books...to the point that the suffering of children becomes less important in a brainwashed parent's eyes than a theological buzzword.

So on top of her wired-in mental disorder that blunted empathy, your mother was part of a religion that did the same.

I am not surprised that she made a remark like that to him.

But I imagine too, that surviving what he has survived, your son now is solid in his own strength, and probably knows that she was a brainwashed follower of an oppressive system that deliberately disguised evil. His grandmother's blurt about sin is ugly, but your son is a strong and healing man now. He knows that for what it was. And probably realizes she was incapable of better, sadly.

He will heal and he is not alone with it any more.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

All of the things Hops said, Betty Anne, and although I am so sad to read that this happened to your son I am glad that he empowered himself by taking legal action and then by dedicating a memorial to those who went through the same.  And that he had the sense to keep his kids away from your mum.  My family did similar to me; none of them denied that abuse happened, but they all thought I was wrong for speaking out about it.  Abuse only occurs because so many people look the other way, in my opinion, which makes it easy for people to carry on doing what they do.

I'm glad your son seems to have been able to live his life without this destroying him and I'm sorry your mum let him down like that x

[Bettyanne]

Thanks Twoapenny and Hops....for your words....
You either get that no one wants to hear about abuse as I was on a fb Irish group and shared not this particular story but the fact that my son was abused by a priest.....and I am of Irish Catholic background I thought in this day and age that people were different.....but like one of my daughters says unless it happens to you they don't want to know and put on colored glasses and all looks good.  Long story short I was deleted and blocked by this group because they said it was religious....religious because a priest did it??

Your words and honesty are so so appreciated by me......no body wants their kids harmed at least normal people don't as we know N people are a class of a different tune.  to be continued.......

[Twoapenny]

I do find people's reluctance to talk openly about abuse is a big problem.  My entire family have a big Christmas get together every year - aunts, uncles, cousins across three or four generations.  My sister attends (as does my step father) and apparently I am just not mentioned.  They've just sort of wiped me out and carried on as before.  But ...................... the more people that do speak out, report, take legal action, set up groups, memorials and so on the more it will become acceptable to speak of, I think, and I believe this will reduce the number of times it happens and the length of time people have to carry what occurred with them.  There's a survivors group in the UK at the moment who were all abused in Children's Homes by, it is alleged, high profile men - MPs, barristers, judges and so on.  They became so frustrated by the government's inaction over what had happened that they started their own campaign and investigation.  There's still a huge amount of covering up going on, I feel, and it makes me wonder how many people just stay quiet, or even end their own lives without telling anybody what happened.  I hope your son is doing okay, BettyAnne, and you, too xx

[Hopalong]

Bettyanne,
If you get a chance I hope you'll see the film "Spotlight", which is very empowering. Here's a story about it: http://www.bostonglobe.com/arts/movies/spotlight-movie.

hugs
Hops

[Ales2]

Hi Bettyanne.

I'm very sorry to hear about how your Mom treated your son and her adherence to religion over family. These kind of stories are all around us for those with the capacity to hear them and see the pain they've caused. 

I grew up in Santa Barbara in the 1970s/80s and attended Catholic School from 1975-1981. In my carpool, we dropped off 2 neighbor boys at the seminary where they were in the boys choir.  A few years later, the seminary was closed because of multiple claims of molestation. No one at my school or through my circle of friends were surprised that it happened. One of the boys I rode bikes with was one of the victims. He later committed suicide at age 19 after dropping out of college. Smart kid, good family, bright and probably would have done well in life if he has not been molested and had emotional problems.  Very sad.   Here is an article: (http://www.bishop-accountability.org/news5/1993_12_02_Rice_MolestedAt.htm)

When I read stories such as yours or my friends, my heart aches. I have my list of grievances from NMothers, but nowhere near the pain I imagine for those of sexual abuse. 

All the best to you and your family.

[Bettyanne]

Thanks Ales......yes people don't like to deal with sex abuse...who does?  My NM lived in a world of  her own.  She protected it at all cost.  I think her own childhood wasn't good and she did everything she could to run from it by being an workaholic.....but she created that same world that she went through for me.  I don't think she saw it...she saw me as spoiled....because I had a dad and her dad died when she was four.  But my childhood was different but similar in abuse by not really having a mother...even though she was there.
I think sex abuse to my son by a Catholic Priest she couldn't deal with it...because she had the Church on a pedestal.  She used the church as a means to bring attention to herself.  The last 42 years of her life on weekends she spent at a Catholic shrine where she raised 400k for them over the years giving her a seat in Heaven at the right hand of the Lord.
To have her grandson sue the church she got so much praise from was something she couldn't deal with. I think she lived in a fairy tale in her head and she couldn't do enough for this church.  Her family came last to this institution. 

I never liked the twelve years I spent in Catholic schools.....by nuns who abused us not sexually but mentally.  Telling us indirectly that we were sinners.  The little money we would have in our pockets was to be given to the poor pagan babies who would be adopted and raised Catholic and we got to name some child God only knows if they even existed??
I never felt good in school or home and these nuns were mean to us because the nuns in charge of them were mean to them and they took it out on us innocent kids. 

My sons are presently in a law suit against monastery for the priest showing them porn as young children.  This monastery doesn't want to atone for what this priest did to my twin sons.  And my husband taught at this school for 43 years.  We didn't know this until years later either.  The percentage of these pedi file priests is amazing.  People would rather close their eyes and go the other way then deal with this.  But public school or private school non religious deal with it.....better.....but the Catholic Church wants to cover it up all the time.  I found out that a girl who attended same school as me was abused by a nun and the girl killed herself because she couldn't deal with it.  I attended a private girl catholic school sadly.  I met the parents of this girl and they told me the story of their daughter. 

And then top it all off with a N mother.....as she would say to me when I would have a problem to put my head in the sand to handle what I was going through.  How sick is that?  mentally illness and NPD.....
Thank you for sharing your story about the monastery....so so sad...I don't know when any of this will end because the Pope and down still continue to cover it up no matter how he comes across. 

OMG at some point I hope we can protect children better then we have all been treated.....at least we can share here which is a big help for me.  I am so grateful to you ladies.....Thank you....Bettyanne
 

[Ales2]

Part of me feels like the NMothers gravitate to the Catholic Church because part of the system set up there is a "obey god" mentality over your own feelings, much like Narcissism. Kids are taught to obey god, parents, teachers and authority figures before learning to trust themselves or their own judgement. This is how kids get abused. I feel like this dynamic resonates with Ns and they choose these churches and schools based on their warped values. We were not Catholic, and my Mom never attended church (probably because she grew up in Nazi Germany in the late 30s, early 40s.) in her life, but somehow, she loves the Pope and the Catholic Church and sent us to Catholic School. It makes no sense to me other than the "obedience" dynamic.

One of the greatest lessons I had to learn was this one - Occupation is not an indication of character. Trust yourself first.  Sad part is that this leaves kids with an inability to trust people in positions of authority and power.

[Ales2]

Oh wow. re-reading your post Bettyane and I get triggered by the "we are sinners" line. Another absolute problem I have with the Catholic church is the teaching "we are not worthy to receive the body of christ" which is given at communion. This is a horrible line and faulty programming that I do not believe in. For some, it results in a shame based view of the person's ability and interferes with building healthy self esteem.

[Hopalong]

In fairness, imo fundamentalist, authoritarian, sexist religions of all sorts do this kind of damage. Special props to papists, but it does happen in other faiths...anywhere anyone views children as more important as property than as people. No faith community (including mine) is immune.

But the sheer volume of the priestly abuse scandal is staggering. I've read that celibacy has a lot to do with it because many men desperate to suppress their natural sexuality will try to train themselves to be "good" and believe the priesthood will make them safe from their own desires. Pedophilia is one thing and being gay entirely another. But anywhere people are shamed intensely for having sexual feelings is going to produce some twisted and eventually evil behavior.

BTW I'm into monogamy and not promoting orgies.    But whatever safely and adult-consensually floats one's boat....

[Bettyanne]

Ales.....we are sinners......yup and we didn't even do anything.  Amazing how these religions can control so many people and when they do hear the priests have done wrong they can't deal with it because we were all brainwashed to see these people like God's.
My son is working with a lawyer this week....and the one priest who was a abbott says he doesn't know my sons.  But yet he he knew them for over 40 years....now he doesn't?? because my sons were born the second year my husband was working at the school.  He saw our kids all the time.

So who are the sinners??? it's like the saying the pot calling the kettle black??
I think my mother was like a horse with side blinders on her head and this was in all subject matter not just the church....her mother and herself could not deal with life and subjects difficult to deal with.  If you never talk to your children on difficult subjects how are they to learn to deal with life when it is difficult....and I mean any subject...death...etc.

I saw a program on hoarding on TLC station here in the USA.  It usually starts because something has happened maybe the death of a love one etc.  These people's home are totally full of trash to the point of bugs etc taking over the home and they can't part with anything.  When my mother died she collected old items from people to resell at the Catholic shrine....I must have gotten rid of hundreds of rosary beads....big boxes full.  All kinds of papers...covered in dust.  Her bedroom was full of dust....but yet she would spend hours cleaning items to sell used at the shrine.
 
One time she asked me to come clean her house and she would pay me.....I said no.....my home life as a kid was not a clean home because she only cleaned when someone was coming.  I had six kids and did enough cleaning of my own and never ever did she give me a hand of any kind.......I just couldn't do it. 

Interesting how you mentioned about Authority.....and for sure no one would think this women who dedicated herself to raising money for the church lived in such a mess.  Or that she even had a daughter with six children.  If you saw someone who spent every weekend for the last 42 years of her life at a shrine you would think she had NO Family??
These N's sure live a multi personality life.....

[Hopalong]

Your Mom's example of devotion to an outside authority while at the same time abandoning self-care and self-responsibility...sure does sound like some kind of compulsive mental illness was at play. I don't know.

I liked reading that paragraph where you declined to clean her home, even though I also sensed sadness in it. What a tragedy and waste.

It happens all the time; families don't always look like piles of golden retriever puppies.
 

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Re: religion... I had issues with it too. But I loved the ritual and implied "mystery" in Catholicism and horrified my Catholic friend by taking communion. He and I even taught a summer vacation bible school class together.

For the longest time, I was dedicated to fighting off all the dogma of Christianity. Dove deeply into Buddhism - zen, Tibetan, and explored other traditions past the surface as well too. I always knew the difference between "God" and what some humans SAID God was, and wanted of us. That kinda kept me immune to the control attempts. But it also left me hungry for the "real thing".

And then, there was that day in therapy when I realized that maybe God WASN'T mad at me for defending myself, when I was attacked. That I didn't call down the whole events of that awful day on my head, for not being "better" than I was. In some kind of divine punishment or lesson. That maybe I'd made a mistake perceiving things - perhaps helped along by the warped adults around me - and it was like being beamed up into a whole new world.

So, that made it possible to look at things again with new eyes and a new understanding and have a completely different relationship with all things spiritual. I'm still not what anyone would call a religious person - because I don't go in for any of the external show actions of it. Too often those are still uncomfortable for me; shams and corruptions and yes, shaming & control too. Instead, my work in this area is all internal... and that helps reshape the external manifestation of what I "know" personally now and can channel to others.

I've talked to other people, who've had near-death experiences like mine and we're all on the same wavelength about this stuff. So maybe it's something common to that experience - or just our imagination's way of trying to make sense of it.

[Hopalong]

What a lovely outcome, Amber. I'm glad that's happened for you. Seekers eventually find, ime.

It is beautiful to reclaim one's OWN direct experience of the: ineffable, transcendent, cosmic. And when one finds love in that mystery? That feels like the best answer to me. All sorts of human myths or figures can show me sparks, from Christ and his global cohorts to old ladies with pie. Some days I just recognize it's all one energy and all comes from the same source, and cumulatively, it can be overwhelmingly good. The g-word is so loaded for me I seldom use it, except now and then privately.

As a little girl I was deeply spiritual and in poetry, it rises again, and in some encounters. Even in choices. It's hard to get the ego out of it for humans. Their hierarchies of those who "know" or have the "special rank" being above those who don't (or who are told they don't). That's the original mistake, imo.

I never met a sinful or stupid baby in my life. Still on the alert for one...

xo
Hops