Hi, I am trying to heal, but I had a conversation with my ex

[bkkabri]

Hi, I would really appreciate any insight on this is something a woman with narcisism would do and say.  I tried reaching to her and this is how it went.
I asked her what happened to our relationship and she said that I dont beleive in the Institution of Marriage and that it was all one sided.  She said that I never talked about her medical stuff.  I told her that I am not in the medical field and its hard talking about diseases in detail because it is depressing and a shock to my system because of the loss of my dad who died in my arms.  She asked me when will I get over his death because it has been 7years.  I told her I was over it in the sense I dont relive it everyday, but the serious talks about disease makes me feel the hopelessness of her patients and me when I was with him.  She said she is only empathic to the disease and not the stories they tell.  I tried talking to her about going out for coffee, but she is adimit that she has a new guy she met and is dating because I dont beleive in marriage.  She also said that she wants a man who makes at least as much as she does and that I would divorce her because I wont go to medical parties with her because I would be bored.

I guess my problem at this point is that she is tearing me down for the same reasons she said she loved me.  The only time I could any intimacy was when she was ready for it.  I tried complimenting her and she got mad at the words nice and good.  She wanted to hear incredible and alluring(her words).  I appolized because I dont talk like that.  
The part I am trying to figure out is how can a bright woman with a bright future have no friends, never talk about her past, talk about a future, now just kill everything about my self esteem.  I would appreciate any feedback from anyone who can share a thought with me.  I am having a hard time going on because I am so unsure of myself now that she ripped me to pieces and thru me out the door.

[Anonymous]

Here's some advice:
Don't call her, don't try to patch things up with her, don't read into her and analyze her words/actions. This is obviously a woman who could care less about your feelings and from what you are saying, isn't interested in having a relationship with you anymore seeing that she's with someone new. I know it hurts, I know it's shocking, but work on getting over her. Don't base your entire self worth on what she has to say about you. Move on, life is too short. I'm speaking from experience here.

[Anonymous]

I am trying to move on but is this what these people do?  She ran off with a guy within 2 weeks.  She has just taken everything we built and threw it out the door.  I guess I need to know if this is a pattern or if I am really garbage like she basically has said and done to me.

[catlover]

Of course you are not garbage.  Whether or not she is a "narcissist", she certainly doesn't sound like a nice person.  One thing I will say about narcissists though is that once someone is no longer working for them (stroking their ego and validating them), they can become very vitriolic toward that person and blame the person for everything.  Since a narcissist thinks they are always right, if something doesn't work then it must be the other person's fault.  Maybe that's what she's doing.

[Anonymous]

thanks for your input.  It just kills because she was so great the first year that I was sold on the fact that we should be together.  Then our second Christmas came and she just started losing it.  She actually had the nerve to buy me dirty movies and wrap them under the tree for Christmas.  She yelled at me on Valentines day for mentioning a television show because the host had fake breast.  She just kept pushing me away every time I got closer to her.  She just freaked out like I dont know who she is.  Is this a pattern of behavior for N.  I mean this girl is 37 years old and quite attractive, but doesnt have any friends that I know of in two years and all she cares about is her career and telling me how important she is in the field.  All I asked for was a little companionship from a woman who said she loved me.  I am so disgusted because I dont know what else I could do to make her see that I was there for her.  Does any of this make sense?  I feel like I am really losing it inside because she wants to come home and talk in medical terms about her patients and their diseases in detail.  I just dont get it, what about a life with love family and friends?  I am sorry to ramble but this is unbeleiveable

[Anonymous]

You're not garbage because she says so. I know this is hard to take, but you've got to give up on her and not wonder what you did wrong. This is how people like this operate. I was in a relationship with someone who thought I was the bees knees, but as soon as he found someone else to stroke his ego, I was the one with the problem. This is over a two week span. Move on, these people aren't worth your time, consider it a learning experience.

[Anonymous]

I dont know what else I could do to make her see that I was there for her.

Nothing.  

There will never be any reasoning with a narcissist. They only see what they want and need to see, that is consistent with the disorder. They will take a truth or fact and unbelievably twist & skew it to fit what they need to be true about the situation.  It doesn't matter what the real truth is to them.  And before long they are believing their truth is the real truth.    

Trying to be sensible with her is futile and will only drain and torture you further.

Please do like what was said here and let go of her- cold turkey.  That was the best advice you could get.  There is no way to analyze her.  If you feel you must know what happened, read up on narcissism in general and you will see how these people operate.

But start zero contact with her and move on with your life, eventually to something much better that you deserve.

Someone kind to your heart, loving, fun, compassionate, reasonable around touchy discussions, and emotionally reliable.

Sounds good, doesn't it.

[glennis1953]

I told her that I am not in the medical field and its hard talking about diseases in detail because it is depressing and a shock to my system because of the loss of my dad who died in my arms.

And her response was to ask when you're going to get over it? That right there tells me she's not at all sensitive to your feelings. That's definitely a narcissistic trait. (I lost my father suddenly 20 years ago. I'm still not "over it." I've moved on, but I still miss him terribly.) I don't know whether she's a narcissist. But I do know you've been given some pretty sound advice.

Someone on another thread posted this link: http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/narc.htm It's a pretty official description of NPD, its treatment and prognosis.

If she's a narcissist, know that she's not going to get better. It's a very difficult disorder to treat, and even if a N gets into therapy, it's usually for depression or substance abuse, which sometimes goes hand-in-hand with NPD.  

Leave while you can. Run for the hills. Mourn the loss of the hopes and dreams you had for this person and move on. But before you get into another relationship, take the time to heal, to gain your own sense of self-worth. Folks like this can take so much away from you, not the least of which is your self-esteem. It takes awhile to get it back, and you can't enter into a healthy relationship without it.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

thank you for your input.  I needed to know that I am not crazy.  She said she loved me because she was impressed that I am a stand up comic and that I have a patent on a product to promote awareness for AIDS to young adults.  Now she says that these traits I have are weak and that she wants a man who makes at least as much as she will be making.  My last question is this.  Is it posssible that this woman can act out love and a relationship for a year and then really flip out?  Its like she woke up one day and started hating me because people praised me for my comedy and didnt praise her for career.  I told her one night that I was proud of her career, and that I dont ever want to feel like we are competing.  I told her that I wanted the world to know that the source of my strength came from my relationship.  I dont know if this makes sense, but she always gave me a look in her eye that just told me she was never proud of who I am.  It really hurt, because I thought relationships were about complimenting each others ability and to be one.  please let me know your thoughts and thank you again.  It has been a living hell.

[Anonymous]

My last question is this. Is it posssible that this woman can act out love and a relationship for a year and then really flip out?

No.  Narcissists do not consistently act out of love and compassion for someone else. She always was dysfunctional but just expressed it in more subtle ways.  If you think back you will likely see that over the last year there were "red flags" in her behavior, too.  She just stopped trying to hide it as well and became more openly irrational and abusive.

Its like she woke up one day and started hating me because people praised me for my comedy and didnt praise her for career....

Well- this could have triggered her feeling rejected and/or worthlessness feelings on her part, which cause N people to begin to act out more obviously.  But like I said before- if you were dealing with a narcissist there were always little manipulations going on.

I told her one night that I was proud of her career, and that I dont ever want to feel like we are competing. I told her that I wanted the world to know that the source of my strength came from my relationship.

You can pour out your heart to a narcissist but they will never hear you.  In fact, many times, the more you try to reason, the more sucked in and abused you get.  You aren't met with understanding with a narcissist and things never get resolved.

That is why sadly, that you are being given the advice by so many, to leave and don't look back.   Most of the time people encourage the working out of relationships but it is a very different thing with people who have certain personality disorders and narcissism is one of them.

Also, I know exactly what you mean about a relationship enhancing us, though we need to be sure to find a good balance of having our own strength independent of others, too.

[Anonymous]

Although it was abrupt, surgical, unceremonious and very painful, I quickly cut contact with my N. The first step was changing the locks on the doors. Once that happened and he realized things were really over -- we had been back and forth too many times -- things predictably escalated. He went on a scathingly vitriolic rampage. I suffered financial losses, public embarrassment but -- more importantly -- almost relinquished what little self esteem I had left. This all was in an attempt to end the relationship with civility and to "let him go with love." WRONG -- a lesson in futility.

It was very difficult and though I was in a fog, I took the advice of my friends, family and therapist and cut contact quickly. I really hoped for and needed emotional closure, especially for my daughter's sake (he never said good bye or even acknowledged her in the process of our breaking up; then lied about it when confronted). I wanted him to understand my point of view and cop to his own faults and failings as to why the relationship ended. WRONG AGAIN!

To expect reasonable behavior, culpability or emotional closure in ending the relationship was completely unrealistic; especially when our Ns aren't really emotionally available during even the 'good' times.

I am certain my N joined forces with another women within weeks (perhaps even two, like with your situation bkkabri) of our breaking up. It hurts. It stings. It made me feel horrible and completely disposable. But this board, therapy and understanding an Ns pattern has helped me greatly to let go and not internalize all of this. Some days are better than others. I strongly recommend therapy and completely ending contact. Ns are toxic people who can drag us down and quickly unravel progress toward acceptance and healing.

Bludie