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I am reacting strongly to my sister inheriting a lot of money.

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sea storm:
My sister inherited a lot of money, about 300,000 dollars and it has made it nearly impossible for me to be around her. Money is soooooo powerful and I see that I totally got sucked in to ancient , primitive and age regressed behaviour. This money has been a long time coming and the aunt that sort of adopted my adult sister always treated my with extreme disgust. It was pretty odd and like something out of Charles Dickens.  This aunt was a twisted narcissist and yet at times I think that she was a case of arrested development. Anyway, my sister has a big problem with envy where I am concerned. She thinks I was treated better than her by my difficult mother. This auntie hated my mother. I mean HATE. She would tell stories about her that bordered on the delusional.
There was a time when I wanted to be part of my aunt's circle of trust and my sister would sabotage this every time. It is sickening to me.  I gave up and it was for the best. My aunt is very racist, homophobic, and pretty mean.
Since inheriting the money my sister wants me to move to the city she lives in and she will buy a posh house and I will live in an apartment in it. She changes her mind about this due to her overwhelming fear about spending one cent of the inheritance.
I thought it might be a Live Life Like the Waltons opportunity but now I would rather live in a cave than with my sister.
She is telling me all the things she is buying and it is hard to explain how creepy this feels to me. She has always been very frugal and now she is ten times more frugal and worries incessantly about preserving the money as a legacy and making sure she doesn't blow it.
I wish i could get along with my sister but it is probably impossible. At the same time, I am disgusted with myself because I would like a little help from her but that will never happen. I found it hard to tell her I didn't think we could live together and I let her know that I am sick of her micro managing, over bearing, bossy and controlling behaviour. I  just can't stand how she is about this money and how she feels entitled to control me. There is nothing for me in moving into an apartment and paying her rent. I have my own cute little house and a lovely yard.
She is my older sister and she has a strange power over me. Sort of a dominatrix thing. Good grief. That sounds pretty weird but I am spilling the beans here.
She finally has the upper hand with the money and it creeps me out.  Ok here is an example: I drove one and a half hours to have lunch with her. She paid for lunch  and expected a great big thanks for that. I spent more on gas than the lunch cost or maybe it was just even steven. Parsimonious, penny pinching. She complains about how difficult it is to do housework but she wont spend a cent on a housekeeper because she cant stand anyone disturbing her stuff.
What a frigging rant.
I feel bad about telling her off and I really let her have it. In my heart I think it is never good to do that no matter what. THE way that the cousins manipulated to be in the will was very creepy and I lost a lot of respect for them. Now I need to be a better buddhist  or gain insight into my own resentment and control issues. This is really bothering me so I hope some of you can tell me about your experiences or what you know about this mad sibling envy and manipulation.
For some reason I didn;t want to mention that she has a diagnosis of Bi Polar and she doesn;t take medication. She is hugely insulted at the very idea of taking medication. This is no picnic and in the past I have been supportive when no one else has.       
Sea

Twoapenny:
Sea, that's tough.  I have struggled with all of my siblings, to the point where I have very limited contact now with three of them and none at all with the other two.  By limited contact I mean texts and the odd get together with one, a Christmas email exchange with another and a Christmas and Birthday phone call with the third.

My personal feeling is that families can be difficult even with any major health problems or dysfunction.  Add narcissism, favouritism, abuse, etc etc and it just becomes a whole shit storm to deal with, not least, I think, because each interaction brings up a thousand things that happened before.

I have also struggled over the years with watching abusive, dysfunctional people who've done terrible things to me receive large sums of cash that they haven't had to work for and live very comfortable financial lives, whilst I have struggled on a low income, scrimping and scraping and going without.  I've found myself to be very judgemental at times, to people I know who blow a lot of cash on unnecessaries - booze, tobacco, scratch cards and so on - and then claim I am 'loaded' because I have savings.  My savings are minimal and what I have is in there because I go without things like booze and fags and we don't have things like Sky or smartphones.

So - my way of coping - as it is with everything now - is to try and focus on me and channel what I feel into something else - write a poem, clean the oven, go for a long walk, sit and watch TV and eat a bar of chocolate.  I have stopped trying not to feel the way I do at times.  I'm trying to work towards recognising it but using it in a more productive way.  I'm not finding it easy but I'm not sure, what, if anything, can be done.  Feelings are there and I've never found I can dismiss them quickly or easily so I'm trying to work with that at the moment.  I am glad you're not going to move in with her, though, that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

The only other thing I can think of is with things like the lunch you mention (I've experienced similar in the past).  If you need/want to meet up, make it somewhere half way between the two so it isn't down to one of you to do all the driving.  Alternate paying the bill or split it 50/50 each time.  If she won't agree to that then there's nothing wrong with you not meeting up and just conversing by phone instead (which is easier for you to control as you can just get off the phone if your head starts melting).

I do feel for you, it's a shitty situation to be in xx

sKePTiKal:
Sea - it's OK that the subject of money brings up uncomfortable feelings, along with the old stuff in the family history. Bound to, no way around it. It surely doesn't make you a bad person.

When my Dad died and the lawyer & trustee began educating my brother & I on just how much money was involved in our inheritance, I distinctly remember feeling a swoon come on. It was that life-changing to someone who'd spent all her life at that point intensely involved in managing where every penny was spent, just on the necessities. And making do, and doing without to be able to cover those.

My brother and I have totally different attitudes about money, although there are some in common. He stashes his away and forgets about it - completely. I don't think he wants to face and resolve the conflict of his feelings about spending money vs watching the bottomline grow every month. It can't be called miserly really - and he's not saving it for any other reason than to pat himself on the back every month at how much more there is. He is another, like me, who has a hard time giving himself permission to enjoy himself.

I DO still cringe about spending money and can be totally anxious about my budget. Buying curtains for the new windows in the bedroom & living room - the sum total with shipping almost was physically painful. I had to remind myself that they have a functional purpose (not chust fer purty) in helping to manage heat & a/c. No one but a helicopter pilot is going to be able to see in my windows; and the new ones are energy efficient... but blinds and curtains are necessary in the extremes of summer & winter. And I'd been wanting a silk-look fabric in my bedroom for a long time - just a little girly and pretty - and there's no guy here to tell me it's too foo-foo.

My philosophy is that a big pile of money sitting somewhere does no good, at all... and in many ways that growing pile does pass the tipping point of providing security to "the root of all evil". I want to enjoy the opportunities that money has the power to obtain - not just for me, but for others - so it allows me to start teaching the kids how to manage money better. You can't manage what you don't have. It also lets us do things together that we couldn't have, without it. But it's just a tool or resource and not a replacement for real relationships.

What I'm hearing most from your description is that the relationship with your sister and your feelings about it, are the true issue here. Money figures in as the catalyst for throwing that relationship into high relief again. And there is still a lot there to deal with.

Maybe you remember - at the time my Dad died I hadn't had a relationship with my Mom and brother to speak of, for years and years. Yes we talked. Or rather my mom talked and I just made sounds like I was listening. So when Bro & I became business partners there was that whole ancient history of us, the current void of no relationship or even appreciation for knowledge/skills gained in the intervening years, nor the pressures of our current obligations. Old canards, stereotypes and family pecking order slots took over... and I even seriously considered just selling my half of the business to him to not have to deal with him. He was that passive-aggressive and infuriating.

He and his wife (bi-polar, probably) spent 5-6 years in counseling. Probably divorcing soon - though knowing the Bro he's going to drag his feet through this change too. He now comes right out and says he hates change. Progress, LOL. When Mike died we talked a few times and he's had some heart issues that terrified him too. Our relationship has improved so dramatically it's like night and day. There is no stress, no drama... and we can just talk... and acknowledge how each other is different, without seeing that as a threat to our own lives. He still has his blind spots, but he notices more than I gave him credit for and his perspective (a very different way of processing facts and deciding things) has proven pretty useful and wise at times.

We're rebuilding trust - and we can do that because I went off and worked through my issues after getting help sorting it all out, and then so did he. We both had to look at our own places that we avoided acknowledging and reconcile them, before we could start working on what existed between us.

And I still have many days when the feeling of gratitude washes right over me for how things have turned out. So far.

sea storm:
Thank you for your replies. Feeling the calm and care and wise words helps a lot and I read the posts several times.
It isn't about the money comes through and the relationship just got amped up because of the catalyst. So hard for me to take responsibility for my part and it is not a pretty picture. Apparently, I am selfish, greedy, envious  and resentful. So much so that I can't stand to even talk about it but I am talking about it.  Your kind words are helping me to get back my balance.

So many relationships are just imploding right now. My daughter is going through her own version of hell and although she is visiting her dying father, she is not coming to see me and is not talking to me. I have offended her. Since she lives in Ontario several thousand miles away I will miss seeing her. She didn't call or text or anything and on the day she is supposed to come there is no word. That is today. So I sent her a message saying whatever she needs to do is ok. It is my own fault that i went crazy cleaning up the house and buying groceries and getting stuff for the kids and finding things for them to do etc. Just have to let it go. I think it is all my fault but i sure cant fix the people I love and must let go. It is hard to be lonely but I must not be afraid.

I think it would be so great to work through these things with people I love and I don't want to be an obstacle in the way of their happiness. This will pass so I might as well not have a nervous breakdown over it but very tempting.

Sea

lighter:
I'm sorry you're struggling, sea storm.

I'm sorry it's hard to work things out with the people we love. 

Lighter

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