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Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

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sKePTiKal:
The list does get tedious Hops. And I have to take a few days off in a row. I've just now realized that except for getting some wood in for the winter and the usual mowing/clean up chores... there just isn't much that is truly important to get done. I'm using my "power of want" - wanting something done, so I can think about other things - to make it seem more important.

Since most of the tasks are indoors - it's not like there's a big rush. I can afford to take some down time.

Being so far away from the class, chances are there aren't any younger class members out my direction. But I don't know that for a fact yet.

lighter:
Amber:

I don't like the idea of driving over a mountain  at night, esp in the winter.  When I was renovating a condo on Beech Mountain, it was a very dark time for me.  SO much fog.  So much fear.  So many long drives to SLows, as the locals called it.

So much hoping I wouldn't drive off the mountain with little kids in the truck.  I just won't do it again.  I don't want to, and I don't have to.

Maybe you could find an online class, or a DVD or something else that works on your schedule?

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Back to the to-do list today.

I took some days off to just slug around and tackle watching the Ken Burns' Vietnam War series. Only up to episode 4. It's a mental exercise I'm putting myself through - to see if I can detect any patterns from then, that haven't changed yet, in how decisions are getting made. It's highly depressing and even tedious in places. A number of emotional hooks are used, that are unnecessary, IMO for normal people to understand the impact of events on the US, Vietnam, and geo-politics. It was also the continuous background to that traumatic time in my life, too. No nightmares, yet. Burns is doing a decent job of reframing things... but I'm hoping that the raw truth isn't getting filtered. My opinion is still changing as the episodes continue.

I'm at the point in the to-do's, where I'm finishing up the big house re-do. The outbuildings should get delivered and assembled next weekend. That will shift things to another phase of sorting & purging - a good winter project. I'm also starting another project - it was the first one on my list - the kitchen upgrade. Sink, counters and a new range. I've lost the igniter on one burner... and that kind of decided the issue if the project could wait or I just wanted to get all that stuff over with, since I'm kind of still in that mode anyway.

Lots of shifting gears around here and another level of settling in. Tai Chi's section 1 won't start till January. She's altered her schedule; used to be end of September. But it does make sense, especially for me, since the expected snow days won't fall during the more difficult complex sections. The days will start getting longer too - so not as much night driving. That sounds like agreement from the universe to head down that path to me.

There's a new level of grieving going on. Or maybe it's self-pity and acknowledgement of how much I depended on an intimate relationship. Acceptance of lonliness, which to be honest, is a feeling I never much had an opportunity to feel - except within one relationship. I worry a tad, about how all this solitude encourages me to revert to more feral ways of relating to other people - loss of the social graces, I guess you'd say. The contractors were a good diversion from noticing that and Allan was right - I do miss having them around. They'd help out with moving heavy things, if needed, and they were here.

There's still a lot of dust settling from the construction - and the annual invasion of stinkbugs, which was unavoidable while windows and doors were out of the walls. I'm sealing up all the holes, cracks and possible entry points as I find them but it's clear that replacing the windows and doors was a wise decision. No drafts in here; and it's QUIET - to the point that I no longer hear people on the driveway. I have a remedy for that to put up, as soon as it stops raining. I'm cleaning up the little piles of left-over wood, etc... as I go along and have a half-day's sort down stairs too. Until I get to the movies and music library. That's going to get pared down too.

Hopalong:
It sounds so very very satisfying to me, Amber...I vicariously enjoy so much hearing about your projects and house transformation.

I absolutely yearn to do that stuff. As of now, budget doesn't permit, but even on a micro scale. What I personally need to do is stop watching people do it to perfection on HGTV and simply take steps to beautify what I have.

I am frustrated that I DON'T accomplish, so it's good to read your accounts of how you DO. (And don't give me the caveats. You are incredibly productive and un-lazy.)

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I think it's my mind that's so busy Hops... the body often wants to tell it to STFU - it's TIRED! LOL.

Maybe just a couple pillows here, a plant there... rearrange these couple drawers... would be enough for ya Hops. Tablecloths... I have a solid wood table in the dining room. It has a pad to protect it, so a tablecloth is necessary. I switch those out on a regular basis to change the "temp" in here. And I'll be rehanging pictures in different locations too - I just used nails where they already were and it was OK for awhile.

Yesterday Murphy and his laws got in my way. I tried walking away for awhile and then trying again. Yesterday used up all my patience. And I just accepted that it was "one of those days" and gave up. I get to try again today.

These projects and the "list"... are interesting, because while it does serve as a distraction from wallowing in all my still-fresh emotions about Mike (and not kicking myself for it)... there is a real benefit as well. I'm doing stuff that's important to ME. Making what I can see in my mind "real". I'm re-learning the creative process and how I relate to it... because no two processes are alike. I'm relearning what it means to take care of myself, too. Feeding myself - mentally, emotionally, and in creating my own little "empire" on this mountain. In this case, being "empress" means I'm the sole caretaker, nurturer, landscaper, and human input into this one spot and it's energy. I'm the servant of what this place wants to be, in full bloom. The stewardess.

It certainly needed "the touch"... and this was just Phase 1. I picked out the most important items on the list of what people need to live - and fixed those first. Phase 2 is going to be more outdoors and the other buildings, no doubt. When the kitchen is complete... that just leaves a few places where some furniture needs be added for functionality and storage. And I'm still "seeing" too much clutter because I don't have things spread out enough yet. The longer I look, the more ideas I get about what really makes sense in the space... and no one makes those; I'm going to have to. Along with my "helpers".

I've neglected giving attention to the other places in the process and I feel badly about that. But I can't do much about the beach house - which is still for sale. The cabin I've mostly decided that I will clean out the personal stuff and tools... and probably sell that too. Proceeds might go to a family LLC. Still exploring that. A lot of stuff we've taken for granted all our lives, the institutions... seem to be so stressed they're in danger of coming apart at the seams. Maybe it's a kind of rebalancing.

But as I'm "looking"... I try to scan for big picture changes and realize that while they're going to be "different times" - it's just change. Some unpleasantness; some new joys... and I'm looking to be on the forward curve of that change. So lots of thinking, feeling what "works", is simple... and useful in the long run. That's a lot of deciding and choosing - LOL. Which is why brain occasionally needs it's cache cleared. Manual labor is one good way to do that.

PS: I've caught myself yet again doing something silly. I've created a bunch of silly "have tos", false urgency - even false anxiety - about certain things on the "list". It wasn't really necessary, to motivate myself. I just had to want things enough - for me - to "go do". I had to matter enough to ME.

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