Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just the crap I've been up to - LOL
Hopalong:
Whew.
The only (remote) way I can relate is the three-month period when I was renovating my new house with a contractor who had worse ADD than me, so the total job required about 30 separate contracts. Here you go, Dave.
This is our contract for the windows. I pay you half now and half when the last one's in.
This is ..... for the roof.
This is.... for the collapsed outside stairway
This is.... for the iron poles unaccountably stuck in the ground
This is... for the new (Habitat) extra window
This is .... for the bathroom
This is.... for the cork
This is...for the marmoleum (hah those were actually on the same one)
And then separate ones for drywall, paint, electrical, basement crawl space, guttering, drains, on and ON.
But my thing went on for three months and yours sounds as though it's going to go on forever! I know that's not so, at some point you've have all systems in place and functional and will be able to paint, read, think, live, relax.
I am rooting for it to come soon. As to the kids worrying about your energy level? Jeez. High bar.
love
Hops
sKePTiKal:
LOL... well, these are just the post-its on the wall in the "want to" section Hops. Things FUNCTION, right now, so I have time to read, flit about the internet doing my "thang" ... which is pointing out the obvious mostly. And I know from painful experience how I can bite off more than I chew... so we'll SEE.
Oh yeah... then the logical order of things comes into play, too. Like, getting a big tractor/dozer in for the terracing BEFORE I fence it in... yadda yadda...
So all that gets done in this hibernation phase - the planning out - the what I really want to do, when... and just what do I really "need"... as in, really NEED versus, what I think I'm "supposed" to do. Maybe I only get the kitchen beds done this year. And plant those.
All the time I spend doing this... second guessing myself... and looking for inspiration/ideas... saves me a LOT of time when it gets down to the doing.
lighter:
You have so many projects, Amber. I'm trying to get out from under projects,and you're embracing new ones. Good Lord, you are tackling them like a champ
Just shifting my sofa into my dining room,creating a keeping room, is feeling overwhelming right now. That's what getting snowed in did for me today.....time to problem solve furniture arrangements.
:: Shaking head::..
Not my strong suit.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Lighter: right now, they only exist in my imagination and on a list or post-it somewhere. Right now, my OCD is insisting that I finish up some of the things that were made possible by last summer's project FIRST.
I haven't been able to sit and write - letting the stream of consciousness bubble out - to get a sense yet, of what my intuition is directing me to work on next. And instead, I'm kind of stuck in a "responding to events already set in motion" reality... where what I feel drawn to doing today gets interrupted by someone, somewhere else, saying "I need you to do this now". LOL. And even though it's all part of my mental "master plan"... it basically blows up any intention I had for the day. Gone with the wind.
So, as cold as it's been, feeding/cleaning the woodstove downstairs takes a lot of time. What I really NEEDED, was the insulation up under the floor over the garage. Insulation I had delivered before Christmas... but then got too busy to deal with. Which... as fate would have it... turns out to be a GOOD THING, not a BAD thing, this time. Because I've now realized that one of the entry doors downstairs wraps around the west side of the garage and this is where a lot of the draft I feel on the sofa is coming from.
But I have made a lot of progress, even on the Amber-does list and I'm taking a vacation, dammit. Yes, I have all this stuff swirling up in my head I want to do... and it's totally cluttered and chaotic. So....... I'm choosing to take a break, let some things finish up (like the sale of little cabin closes Monday; beach house Friday)... maybe make some more space in my main garage workshop (priority) and since it's going to warm up enough to be ABLE to work in the garage under the house... start with the places I KNOW need to be insulated. Get some of the tasks off the list... before scheduling more upgrade/design/construction projects. I've got some things I want to do for ME, too.
I am still noticing a little down-swing in mood: sadness, regret, guilt... in letting go the things Mike participated in with me. I guess it's always going to be there. But it's now more like a cloud passing overhead... and doesn't last long anymore; doesn't overwhelm me. And I would guess, that this proliferation of "Ideas of Mass Imagination" are all things that have been carefully put aside, tucked away, saved for "someday"........... and this is some day. LOL. It does get a little noisy in my head some days.
lighter:
Amber:
I think you're managing this transition with amazing resilience and attention. Walking that edge of dizzying guilt/sadness.....
noticing it.......
stepping off the edge, then paying attention to how that feels to experience what comes next. That takes letting go, over and over. In small and large ways. You're holding on to what comes next, and planning for more.
Part of the sadness might be acknowledging Mike wouldn't have wanted what you're building...... wouldn't have wanted you doing these things at all. His comfort zone was something else, and you lived in that Zone for a long time.
You're moving away from the life you shared with Mike, and distancing yourself is sad. No way around it, and without judging, if possible. It was sweet and there was comfort.
It's also empowering to dream of your own wheelhouse. Be the architect of new plans, then build Amber's world. Of course it is. Yes, it's very different than Mike's, and touching all his things, choosing to put them away to make room for you.....feels like.... betrayal at times? It's ok to simply acknowledge, sans judgement..... it's just a story, Amber.
If Mike could see you, he'd be thrilled to see you grow, and stretch. He'd have tremendous gratitude that you were content to sit by his sleepy side, and love the life you shared before.
I think Mike would be amazed, and eager to see what you're building. He'd be so proud of you. He'd be eager to see where your intuition leads next.
Lighter
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