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Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

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sKePTiKal:
Aw, gee thanks Lighter! One thing that's helped me oh, so much... is supporting other widows through the fresh stages of this transition, around my other forums on the internet. They all have different experiences and coping mechanisms. Some sink so deeply into grieving, they feel they can't breathe. Others stay busy and cheerfully coping - until that all wears out - and kaboom, now they're grieving. Age doesn't seem to make a difference to what kind of experience they have. I guess it's my age cohort, that there are a lot people going through this, it seems.

Just FYI - since it seems a lot of people don't know what to say - in the long run, it seems it doesn't matter. (I'm the only one I know that took offense at some clumsy people; I'm weird; not the norm.) What seems to be the most helpful, is regular check-ins with them. Listening to their feelings or struggles with the bureaucracy that surrounds death - and there is a LOT of this. Just being there, in other words. Of course, I had the amazons... and we have this down to an art now. LOL.

But the useful big brothers were a big help too. There's a lot of weird thoughts & feelings a person goes through in this transition - and my "brothers" let me get it out of my system (safely) and helped me grab the rails of perspective again... charting a course that seems (at this point) to be fitting me pretty well. And when you have the history of childhood issues many of us have been through that process is even more daunting and fraught with pitfalls. Everyone I opened up to, helped keep me going through and past all that.

Yes, every single thing I let go of that was Mike's or that we acquired together... echoes those feelings. But it's getting easier now, to do what I think makes sense for me. I don't have as much emotional whiplash because of the decisions.

Holly got me an old book: Women Who Run with Wolves. She's reading it - and it seemed significant enough to her, to get me a copy so we can talk about it. (That's the technique I used to get her self-educating.) I've never read it, believe it or not. But at this point - I'm feeling like I can't even get into it; we'll see; I'll persist with it. I'm finding the jungian language, and the overwhelming non-rational dreamy quality of it to be just dreck. Someone spewing words looking for a real concrete thought. So far, at any rate.

I liked the magic realist authors; Isabel Allende was one I read a lot of. So, I don't know if the time just isn't right... if my experiences over the past couple years put me past the "exploring" nature of her exposition and right into a "knowing" phase... or if I just don't want to peel the cover back on too much of that stuff right now. But I think I can approach it as a way to get inside Holly's head and "see" a little of what she thinks she's dealing with.

[Fair Warning: it seems I'm emptying the "hard drive" in my head right now... lots & lots & lots of stuff has been going on in there... and like a crop of sprouts... is starting to grow to the sun right now and popping up everywhere. LOL. Chatty cathy time again, in other words.]

Twoapenny:
Skep, I know my situation is different to yours but what you said about people regularly checking in is so true.  I've lost about ninety percent of my friends over the years, simply because I haven't been able to get out and the phone's been the only way to keep in touch.  The friends I've still got are the ones that just kept ringing - not necessarily that often, or for very long, or regularly, but every now and again they'd pick the phone up for a chat.  It's so true that there aren't really right words, it's more about contact and making the effort.  And I agree with Lighter, what you're doing is amazing.  I don't think Holly needs to be worrying about your energy levels (which I think you mentioned on another thread somewhere!). xx

Hopalong:
Amber, I'm late to get going today so only time for one remark (loved your post, btw!):

I always thought of that book as inspirational to pre-woke women awaiting the arrival of courage.

Well, two:

It's very difficult to run with the wolves while you are carrying an axe and shouting back over your shoulder to contractors.

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
LOL... you'd be amazed what a lamb I am with contractors. I tend not to show my real "get of out my way and let me do it" attitude around them, until I know I won't scare them off.

sKePTiKal:
OH MY.... the idea factory and list producer in me, remains busy. But at least I'm getting it into some semblance of categories/organization. Still, technically "on vacation"... so today I'm trying to finish up washing the bedding I brought back from little cabin, swapping better pillows for ones that probably need to get stored for repurposing, or just stored.

I'm going to do a little more online shopping for the living room. Couple things have been on my wishlist for awhile, and it's time to indulge myself. The granddaughter has a birthday in a couple weeks too. So, I need to find her something pretty and spring-y... she is such a funny combination of "princess" and tomboy. I've got till July to worry about her brother's birthday.

The eldest D - the one Holly and I have tried to rescue from herself, for over 20 years - seems intent on self-destructing. Any time either one of us has a twinge of guilt - that somehow we didn't intervene earlier, or pull off a major interhuman miracle - it's offset by the list of things we've done to support her, help her, and the number of times we've shown her "the way". Neither of us is willing to jump in and be "responsible" anymore - A has to learn to be the responsible one.

The situation is escalating right down the toilet. I made up my mind, after the 10 days we spent trying to at least get help for the kids, that since A works overtime to prove me & Hol ineffective... that I had to focus on taking care of the rest of the family. Hol is working on accepting that A is just this side of slowly killing herself and is no longer in control of herself. Legally, there's not a damn thing we can do. A is 41 now. Even if she should find herself in hospital - the new HIPAA laws could possibly prevent us from making decisions about her care. As far as we know, there is no health POA.

Oldest grandson will be 18 this year - and no way no how is he prepared to function as an adult in this world. Physically, and emotionally, he's more mature than his mom. But he can't even pass the written part of his driving test, since he was forced into an education system that did the minimum for special needs kids. Oh, he can actually drive. Whether or not, he understands the rules of the road is another question. Youngest boy, does have a father who is concerned and would be part of the picture to the best of his ability. This one, I fear, has even worse emotional problems and very little resilience. But none of the learning disabilities.

No blessed idea what will happen with them - at this point in time - should A succeed in not existing. I am for all intents & purposes a fiction in her life. It's like trying to influence the wind. And many times, my attempts to reason and show her a way forward, backfires. Hol does a little better - all the time aware that what she thinks she knows about a situation with A could all be lies - and continues to give A solid advice without any hope that A will take it as a lifesaver. So far - she's not.

It completely mystifies me that a person could be so far beyond help. And determined to stay that way, uncognizant and uncaring of how that impacts those who do care about her. She's always saying no one cares. Despite the long years of examples to the contrary. It's like her goal in life is to leave no choice but to abandon her. WTF? My mind can't understand that; my emotional side aches for the tragedy of this... but this world, this country, this system isn't providing me any options either.

All I can do is watch. And be prepared for what anyone with two brain cells could see is coming. And resolve to firmly reject - continuously - all those attempts to make Hol or me guilty as to the result. It is truly not our fault and we have given decades of time, money and actual assistance to try to prevent this. There is nothing that we haven't tried left. It just sucks.

And yet, I've just about exhausted all the emotions surrounding this person. When you've given above & beyond the call of duty... it gets used up. There's just the hole left. And it sucks too. It's even hard to feel grief about this... because of how much effort was put into trying to make sure it didn't have to be this way. Neither of us can BE HER for HER.

And we're tired. There is much to do in our lives - things that do give results for our efforts. Yet this is always there in the background; the knowing; the plain and simple lack of a way to help. Or even to persuade A that she needs help that we can't provide.

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