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Just the crap I've been up to - LOL

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Hopalong:

--- Quote ---I had to matter enough to ME....
--- End quote ---

That's where I have been stuck for years. I've told my T, over and over and over, that my best explanation for my own dysfunctions (in terms of Getting Things Done) is that "I have lost interest in my own life." I know that what did it was the long long long ordeal of Nmother, Nboss, Nbrother (well, NSociobro) and, more sadly than I can say, I think Ndaughter. I mentioned her to my PCP a week ago--he had seen her several times. He said, "When I met her I thought that she was an extremely troubled young woman with a personality disorder." First time any professional has ever said that to me. (Well, no, Doc G PM'd the same thought to me once. I couldn't bear to hear it.)

It's a little less stark these days. I slowly feel as though some life is coming back into these tired limbs. But some days it's a terrible battle to get up and Do It. Eat right. Exercise. Hell, do the dishes. Some days (because I have three days off per week) I lose it entirely. Only the job, old folks depending on me, forces me Up and Out.

It is so so so stupid. I had lost so much of my ability and willingness to TRY.

There's been a nice recent development, though. A male one.

But I gotta go to work now and will start a new thread about that later.

love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Ya know Hops... it must take a huge amount of despair and hopelessness (ie, soul/ego pain) to develop that internal "I don't matter". It really is at the bottom of the things I've struggled with.

Furthermore, I think in my case - I became convinced of that pretty early on... in the form: I don't matter, unless I can find the ways that someone ELSE thinks I matter. My mom was totally absorbed in her victimhood... Dad gone. I fortunately sought out other adults to start at least trying to intellectually understand how this (not entirely accurate) conviction was at the root of self-neglect, self-destructive tendencies.... and poor relationship choices.

Making "I matter" conditional on someone else, is one mistake I made. Choosing older guys instead of someone closer to my own age for relationships. Intentionally over-looking the obvious warning signs in their personalities of quirks I simply couldn't live with long term - like emotional unavailability, arrogance to the point of Nism, but not quite... and people with their own life-impacting issues - despite their STRENGTHS and that they were essentially good people and good men.

And I'm STILL looking for the same thing: approval of my self and choices from older, "wise men". Not because I haven't already made my decision and I need a boost to confidence to go ahead - but confirmation. And I also need the "atta girls" and "good job" when I succeed. 50 years of trying to change this... and it's still there. Change just isn't going to happen for me, at the soul-essence level.

It's part of "me"; who/what I am. Instead of not liking it and wishing it would stop or that I could "fix it"... I think it's probably past time I told myself, on a daily basis: OK. It's OK that you are this way. But KNOW THIS about yourself and keep it in check; keep it on a short leash so you don't make any MORE mistakes out of trying to fill that hole and trying to find someone you can depend on to fill this need.

After all, there's no way I could ever know if someone who grew up with two normal parents isn't looking to fill some bottomless pits of need too. Or that they actually matter to themselves enough to breeze through what I struggle with - but am getting better at doing: taking care of me.

Day 4 of painting my front door today. It's been rainy and turned cooler. I'm in-between contractors right now (stuff planned for next week)... and while I "should" put poly on the interior of the windows upstairs... it's just not happening, because to me, it matters MORE than I finish the front door, that I use all the time... and get my paint stuff cleared out of there and think about where my "design" for this main living space is going to go.

Been ruminating on lots of things lately... but in a productive fashion.

sKePTiKal:
Painting the front door has provided me hours of non-verbal "thinking time". The color choice is how I'm tying the rustic of the logs (and the new lighter pine where the windows/doors came out) with the crisp modern/industrial touches. I did make one design change - originally thought I'd paint the window trim on the door & sidelights the same as the very wide trim around the door... and that just pushed me past the amount of patience I have for this project - 4 days of painting, is pretty near enough. And it would be too much contrast; too much linearity - too "graphic"... so the window trim will get one more coat of the door body color today.

I've decided that it's probably not such a bad thing for me to seek validation from the "wise men" that I seem to attract and am attracted to. As long as I don't sell myself out in the process - just for the attention. Yes, I do seem to be yearning for some attention... that intimacy of a close relationship. And given the fact that I've spent my life in a relationship of one sort or another... that's to be expected; pure normal. Speaking of which, Freddy has just now decided I need to give HIM attention, LOL. He seems to know when I'm confronting the inevitable sense of aloneness... versus loneliness feelings.

Sometimes, it's scary just how alone I am. Yeah, Ronnie always says he can be here in 10 minutes and I'm to call him ANY TIME, if I need him. He's away a lot too. But it's so quiet here I can hear very very well things in the woods, and people around - long before I can see them. I've got a good driveway alarm to set up, too. I don't hear the outside stuff nearly as well, inside now - because the new windows and doors are that much of an improvement. I'm not afraid nearly as much now.

We have a real casual relationship. He has a couple jobs; family - and his hunting buddies and while he promises to come help, he really doesn't have the time to be my "go-to"... so I find other ways/people to help. On the other hand - he likes to have the company when he goes to spread corn or just look at the ground he hunts on and I like have a "tour guide" of that area that is essentially my "back 40"... even though I don't own it. Except for his crew - there is never anyone back there. I don't think his wife is the outdoors type. So it's friendly... boundaries in place... and it's working out well.

His brother is also interesting. A good guy to know - and also offered to a "call contact" if Ronnie is out of town. I lust after his front loader/backhoe.... LOL. But he has the skill to use it and I don't.

My friend Debbie is desperately in need of a blow-out, kick back & relax, let it all hangout therapy weekend. Her birthday is next weekend, and that's the plan - I've been her "escape friend" for awhile now... and she's "been there" for me in some rough times, so we're "on". We shared the same N-boss way back when so we do know each other pretty well. That's one kind of intimacy.

The Hol and I can finish each other's sentences; fight and argue scaring anyone within the vicinity and just stop and go on doing what we were doing with no hard feelings. I've had the pleasure of her company - and Matt's too, with & without Holly - a LOT for the last 2 years. They're still hanging in there as a couple; still struggling financially - but still in better shape than a lot of their friends and acquaintances - and IMO, have their own life to attend to. So, I'm supporting that. Holly is just about done with big city life; we've talked about that a few times... and mom has some ideas if the beach house ever sells.

So, what's happening - I think - is that "space is being made" now in my life for something else; new; human; and expeditionary. This kind of thing can't be "planned" out; doesn't need a direction or goal; it's like taking a drive... and choosing to find out where a road might go. Time to explore, in other words. Without timelines, lists, plans or any pressure.

sKePTiKal:
Very frustrating week. My out buildings still aren't' here. I can't seem to contact the person I've been working with since the order was submitted. I've left messages, voice mails and have been promised a call back - which hasn't come for 2 weeks. They need me to be here, when they arrive to put up the buildings to write the check. I can't really PLAN to do any of the other stuff I want to get to, as a result. I was so ready for Debbie's and my "old lady blowout weekend".

In preparation for winter, I've ordered doors and windshield wipers for my UTV. I have to load it up on a trailer and drive it south to the dealer for the install and an oil change... since I still don't have room in the garage (where the jack is for it) to be able to see where through the skid plate the oil drain plug is. I don't have room because 1/2 of what's taking up space is slated to go in those past-due buildings.

What Holly, Matt & I have done in the studio means I can finally see the floor in there. Another good couple of days in there, and I'll be ready to "play".

I decided to move some phase 2 projects up on the timeline, that aren't weather dependent and I might as well spend the money now and have that in place. So, the plumbers have been back to replace my water filtration system - that's all done. In the process, it dawned on me that I have a gas line to the garage for the furnace and I could replace the electric water heater with a tankless. The studio doesn't need constantly available hot water... so they'll come back after I get a quote for that. Gas company is going to be here tomorrow to look the situation over and decide what all I'm going to need.

And my "simple" kitchen remodel will happen around my birthday. I wasn't in any hurry for it. I did ask for a timeline of what needed to happen when...... and never got it, until the designer called and said they'd be templating the counter TOMORROW. At which point, I knew I needed to get my new range ordered... which I did over the phone. The installer - an independent contractor for the appliance people - immediately threw a wrench into the process, with whining about being required to come out 3 times. He thinks I'm too far from the "big town over the mountains". And the appliance people (who have worked with this kitchen place for years) had never heard the requirement for 3 hookups/disconnects in the process before... sigh... and the designer is fielding my frustration about communication/process steps and timeline... so I asked her to work it out directly with the appliance people and get me out of the middle. I think she might be new. The counter guy... may have helped some while he was here and we were sorting it all out again.

There's no reason the old range has to be disconnected on the day they demo the counter tops - that range is getting hauled away on the next day, when the new range arrives. It's going to take at least 3 guys to navigate both ranges on the steps in/out of the house. So the installer only needs to be there one day. (To my way of thinking.) The idea about moving the range 3 times must only apply when the range is getting put back and isn't being replaced.

But I can't seem to get Amanda to understand that. I'll try another email to her Monday. This doesn't have to be that hard. LOL.

That would leave only one more large project on my "list" of must-haves, and ought to haves. That would be a whole house generator with it's own propane tank - to keep my furnaces running and the well pump running. Not having lights isn't that big a deal for me. Maybe the outlet the coffee pot is on... LOL. The electrician needs to come back anyway to run power to the new building (there's that requirement to HAVE the building again) and he already knows about the generator project. I've talked to the gas company too.

Replacing the carpet downstairs with a vinyl laminate won't be much of a project. Insulating the garage for my extra "pantry space" won't be a big deal either - but that's time-relative, with cold weather about here.

But my brain is real tired from trying to juggle all this stuff. I need more regular doses of "real connection with real people"... and even though I am friendly with a lot of my contractors... it's not quite the same. So, I'm seeing the "end of the list" in sight and wondering if I have the patience and stamina to get there... since I'm running into "people problems" in this part of the process.

Then next summer, I'll tackle some fencing.

Twoapenny:
Wow, Skep, I'm only just catching up with this, oh my days you've been busy!  They make TV programmes about projects like this over here!  Lol.  It sounds like an amazing amount of work but it must be soooo satisfying to make headway and see things coming together.  I'm glad to read that you're taking time to watch films and sleep - so easy to keep go, go, going when there's such a long to do list.  It all sounds incredible, I'm so glad things are moving along :) xx

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