Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
sKePTiKal:
Given his personal interaction with that one person he mentioned, I'll bet he discerns between actual "people" - and the stereotype cartoonization of various groups, or classes of people. One reason humans stereotype in the first place is to over-generalize and dehumanize. Even the most self-aware of us do this from time to time - and NO, it's not a good thing about us. But it is short-hand, for quickly understanding something important about that group. Like, tech/professional, CEO level, powerful, wealthy white men, for instance. Sorry; truly I am... but you keep bringing it up, so is that in itself something you're wary of... and how many have you known personally? (Please don't count former N-boss; he's in his own category!! LOL) I know how scrupulously conscientious you are about not participating in things you despise, that "people" do... and how you tend to fall on being empathetic to each and every one. So, I figure you've already checked that about yourself 26 times already.
There is as much peer, and media/social pressure these days to stereotype as there is anything else you can name. And we do, all of us, fall prey to the pressure from time to time, in insidiously subtle ways. I catch myself a LOT (and Holly waits to pounce on me if I don't).
For all I know, maybe he was poking fun at the obvious stereotype in the memes. Your plan sounds sensible to me. If I were in your shoes, I'd simply point out that I'm really sick of all the mean - and pointless, except to shame - so-called humor out there. No matter it's viewpoint. Much as I was a fan of Oliphant and some political cartoonists - the modern version leans a lot more vile - and I've had my fill of it too. I don't share those things; it's like spreading gossip or just talking nasty behind someone's back. I don't like encouraging others to do so, either... or tacitly approving of it. So I occasionally take people for task for it online. (Not that anyone listens to me...)
So, it sounds like - all thinking about the relationship aside - you're FEELING a bit more relaxed & comfortable with him. That's sounding pretty good, despite all the other stuff.
What did Gramma always say? If you can't find something nice to say - don't say anything at all! There's a lot of good advice for modern society in Gramma's old sayings. LOL.
Twoapenny:
Hops, I'm kind of wondering as well if he might be at the Asperger's end of the autistic spectrum? I'm kind of always hyper alert to signs because of my son (and to be honest you can see signs in most people if you look hard enough) but it did cross my mind that the sort of misplaced humour that you've mentioned can sometimes be an Aspie trait? Along with the concern about what the dress code is, that there might be people at the party that he doesn't know (so he's assuming you'd struggle with that because he might) - they're the kind of social cues and situations that some people on the autistic spectrum struggle with. It might be that he doesn't really get the 'jokes' but that he's learnt them (and by that I mean someone else has told them to him and said they're funny so he's accepted that because he doesn't really get it?) Does that make sense? With his engineering, uber logical mindset it might be that his social side is a bit off kilter (and yours is very finely tuned so you're probably picking up on more than some people would anyway). I just thought I'd throw that in in case he's just kind of copying something he's been told is funny because his funny bone isn't highly developed? Maybe after time your kind of humour will rub off on him and he'll start to mirror that rather than these sort of old boy's networks comments that he's maybe picked up through work or at the golf course? Just another possibility (as if you didn't have enough to think about) :) xx
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber. And busted again. I do have some stereotypical fears of powerful white male businessmen and how they operate in the world. Or judgments that can be knee-jerk and unfair. Gimme a Warren Buffet or a Bill Gates any day; they're welcome to the wealth because look what they do with it! But some others..... My first boyfriend's family owned a summer home (450 acres) now owned by the president's family. My first love relationship was spent in an absurdly wealthy environment where I met the family's friends, most of whom were uber-CEO white males. They were personally charming. I remember bf's father telling me one morning (at their "regular" house, a huge pile on the grounds of a NY-area country club), "Hey, c'mon over here and meet my neighbor, Joe Hellman!" Turned out to be the Hellman of Hellman's Mayonnaise. He was very pleasant to me. His house was insane. I got used to being around it. But always, secretly inside my odd little head, the outsider...the poet...absorbing it all from a very different sensibility. (I broke up with bf later and my college pals were horrified that I "turned my back on millions...")
The county where I live is among the wealthiest in this country, papered with retired CEOs and many uber-rich. I have known a few and observed many in the community.
My anxiety about it comes directly from gut-level feminism that began (consciously) at 16 when my state university, run by an all-male (and of course, all white) wealthy board including CEOs ...by policy refused to allow me (or any girl) to attend as a liberal arts undergraduate because I was female. It changed later, but that painful awakening changed my view of how the world works, how skewed and wrong male domination/entitlement was/is. (Black males were allowed in first, a couple of years later, they let women in.) I recognized that sexism was exactly the same as racism, and my sense of solidarity with all oppressed people, and loathing of injustice, kicked in. In all the decades since, nothing has shown me that hyper-masculine (adolescent masculine) mostly-white culture in its pursuit of power, wealth and domination hasn't destroyed the environment, broken the vulnerable, and allowed the retrograde back-swing into worsened racism and misogyny that has been horrifyingly on parade in the last few years. Some very close to my door. It's toxic, terrifying and spreading. Oh, those handsome Aryans. But hardworking men now unemployed, sliding down and desperate for a break? I'm grieving for them big time. It's not their fault, what they hoped in.
I love men. I'm straight as a stick. I have loved some ambitious type A+ men. As individuals, I can love anyone. But as the culture, and government are and have behaved, I have become very convinced that having 90% of power in male (here, mostly white wealthy male now) hands is very bad for humanity. For all of us.
I am eager to go back to Oslo to see my friend and his wife. Norway is the most egalitarian country in the world, gender wise. (It's also pretty homogeneous so doesn't have to deal with as much tribal conflict as our diverse culture does.) But Norway also ranks over and over as the happiest country in the world. That's real despite their recent struggles with the far-right anti-immigrant movement in Europe and that ghastly terrorist on the island a few years ago. And I don't believe the happiness is unrelated to their feminist (egalitarian) culture. It's not a coincidence. A feminist culture is humanist and better for everyone and they've been smart enough to figure that out. The CEO at my former job married a Norwegian engineer and told me they would time children so their babies are born there, because it's the kind of society they believe all children should live in. The vast majority of Norwegian men there are just as committed to true gender equality as women are. That's unimaginable, here.
To them, Harvey Weinstein sneering and laughing at Hillary Clinton would be unimaginably unfunny, given the reality of his vicious behavior, as would be the "Detroit bumper sticker" and its vicious dehumanizing of the disenfranchised. They and many others around the world are shocked, horrified and saddened about the infections of sexism and racism that have burst again to the surface in our country that they have for so long loved and seen as the light of the world.
It's so hard for me not to take it personally now and then. I know I should always have the long view and remember it's not about me. I do try. But I really love this country. Pretty much love every human being, in the abstract anyway.
The truth about me though is that when I see institutional and systemic cruelty and injustice, growing up in the South and living in the world as it is...I don't see those policies being defended by many who are other than white, wealthy and male. (And overall, earning 30% more than women with equally significant responsibilities.) Things are changing, slowly, and I still have to hope for the better.
And I just have to hope that those little B "issues" don't have any connection at all with him being indifferent about systemic cruelty and injustice that I see as though my eyes have been scalded.
I read so much my eyes ache (not always in my bubble) and more and more it seems to be coming to the surface that many more people on all sides are actually seeing -- this male-skewed, white-skewed system is not working. We've got to include and respect and be compassionate to the "other", whether they're female, PoC, LGBTQ, immigrant, whatever. We've got to eagerly welcome them into leadership. If we don't, we are just going to carry on trashing each other, suppressing, shooting, warring, imprisoning, despoiling. And sneering.
I don't sneer. I do lead with my heart most of the time. And I am with B, as best I can. We've talked twice today and I'm eager to see him again. Can't wait to put my arms around him because there's something happening that is tender and good.
Just have to talk to him about the damn images he sent, and you have suggested the perfect way to do that.
Thanks, hon. Forgive the ranting. I'm trying not to pollute us but this relationship is making me face how the personal is political (remember that 60s chestnut?). People matter more to me than winning but it's been heartbreaking to see our country lose so much because of that kind of mob hatred. But as Dr. Phil would say, do you wanna be happy or do you wanna be right? Sometimes I'm not sure.
I'm not a mob, just me. And I'm so lucky that you listen. I truly appreciate your perspectives and your clarity. The way you articulate your thoughtfulness expands mine, and knowing you expands my heart.
love,
Hops
Hopalong:
Tupp, that is a brilliant question!
I don't know, but something about his social stuff does seem to carry a suggestion of faintly aspie-unaware traits. Who knows if he'd be officially at a first rung of spectrum, but it's still such a good reminder of how diverse we are. I am often shocked by how biological so many things can be, and it's often true.
So maybe that is really part of it:
--- Quote ---in case he's just kind of copying something he's been told is funny because his funny bone isn't highly developed?
--- End quote ---
Your insights always take me to such a humane place. THANK YOU. You keep coming up with compassionate, intimate curiosity about what makes someone tick, what subtle streams of biology, brain, surroundings, experiences...might make them the way they are. In the shadings and nuances, not just the big boxes I bang into. And whether these kinds of questions are spot on or off base, just wanting to know the answers, wanting to see the explanations, is kindness.
Do you know that the #1 thing I hate about death isn't dying, it's not finding out what happens! I want --crave-- to know what we learn about people in the future, about what makes/shapes/hurts/heals us. I want to be a fly on the wall in 200 years. Well, a fly that can read....
In doing that, you are offering light. Light into places where I'm fearful, and your perspectives offer me over and over a reminder that there is cold, harsh, unforgiving light...and then there's warm, gentle light that comes from a generous heart and expansive mind. Like Tupp light.
Thank you. It amazes me how this kind of thing comes so often from someone who's had it so hard. You are such a strong human being. Strong hearted. Compared to what you've dealt with I've been swimming in an ocean of fortune. It's not fair but I can see the real riches glowing in your life. I think they're spiritual and ever expanding.
love xxxx
Hops
Hopalong:
Hope I have the nerve to share this article with B.
(Head shoots back down into sand....)
--- Quote ---https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2017/12/29/a374a268-ea6d-11e7-8a6a-80acf0774e64_story.html?hpid=hp_no-name_opinion-card-d%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.2bb8fdb67346
--- End quote ---
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