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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
Amber, yes and yes.
It's the "boss" (or "executive") approach.
It's not amusing to me any more. It hurt and I did feel disrespected. Anger yup, but that passes with me quickly. I just don't like feeling it, and it's also pointless. A calm conversation will happen but for some reason, I'm thinking I've been over-optimistic about all the obstacles. It took this one for me to think, uh-oh, maybe this is too much.

I am positive the class made him uncomfortable and I think his curt, cold, dismissive way of making his pronouncement (with an implicit "deal with it and don't challenge me" kind of tone) was what got to me most. Not just that he changed the plan, but WAY he did it without consideration or communication (he thinks telling me of a change IS communication, but he doesn't get the unilateral thing, and just announcing his decision afterward is different from partnership, two-way, alla that...)

If Valentine's Day was the official end of the honeymoon period, he did a bang-up job of snapping me out of it!

I didn't hear any real regret for me in his voice. The Tone doesn't include that.

Oy. Thank you a lot for seeing the flag wave along with me. Doesn't mean we won't work our way through it, but it is a real flag, I see it with my own eyes. And if I have learned anything, it's that a red flag is not a pretty red curtain.

love
Hops

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 16, 2018, 10:16:17 PM ---Tupp, you caught it all. Every nuance.

Except the one about fear of the future being about being alone or not. The fear I carry in the back of my mind that I feel ashamed of is that although I'm anti-dependency, I am afraid of winding up too poor to have help I'll need as an old woman. That fear. (Not just a loneliness fear.) I don't feel good about myself having that thought roll by because I do not want to think of any relationship as a security blanket. I didn't go hunting for a well-off man and never have, B was a spontaneous surprise. But it's been true there's been some relief within happy thoughts in imagining that I'd be "safe now." (My old gent showed me paperwork today for the new assisted living wing we'll move him to in spring. A small 1BR apartment costs more than twice my Social Security. And this is a moderate retirement community. So...I do have fears. They're pretty realistic, unfortunately.)

Clearly, I can walk away from that piece. I have before, and from a much bigger kind of security. It's a principle I can pull around me again. In fact, I probably will. It's just harder now, at my age.

But the most important thing is to figure out how serious this pattern of his is, what it may represent, and whether I want to live with that. I will definitely calm down over the weekend and talking to my T Monday will help too.

I just have a feeling it's going to be ending. I'll be okay if it does, though. Just sad for a while.

xo
Hops

--- End quote ---

((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))  Your fear about ending up unable to pay for care is perfectly justified, reasonable, sensible (oh my days, I know so many people who seem to think they'll never be in a situation where they might need help and they seem to think if they do, it will magically appear out of the sky).  But I don't think it's something you should feel ashamed of feeling or in any way negative about.  You haven't/aren't looking at B as a safety net, far from it - this has been/is an exercise in you jumping in to a whole pit of scary thoughts, feelings and emotions, and you've done it the way you do everything else - kindly, warmly, focusing on those around you and being soooo aware of how you think, feel, respond, whilst still being aware that other people respond differently and being open to that.  If you were in any way looking for a man to fix all of this you'd simply be going along with everything B wants so that you can get that ring on your finger.  And you're not, far from it.  I think I'm just saying please don't see the way that you feel about things in the future as a bad thing - I think your fears are perfectly justified (and sadly real - many people do end up without the care they need in later life) and I don't want you to feel bad about feeling that way.  You're in this situation with B now precisely because you aren't letting those fears dictate what you want out of life.  You're so strong, Hopsie, and that's probably why B's 'take no prisoners' tone has cut such a welt in you.  Hopsie isn't told what to do :)

It may be that this is the ending and do you know what, I'll feel sad about it if it is.  I've been so impressed by the way you've gone into this.  A lot of the things that have come up already would have had me heading for the hills but you've stuck in there, talked, thought, processed and worked through it.  I get that this one feels like a bigger 'uh oh'.  But yes, a bit of time for the feelings to settle, a good chat with the T, a conversation with B.  Maybe a little break without seeing or speaking to him if that feels in order.  I just think whichever way it goes you will make the right decisions for you, even if it's hard one that leaves you feeling that the future might be bleak.  We are all here for you, Hops, we've got your back xx xx xx

sKePTiKal:
Tupps is nailing it, lately!

If you were content with a "relationship of convenience" - B might actually work out really well. But I think you owe to yourself - you deserve - someone who is more tuned into the Hops "Channel". Someone who wants to take care of you, and make happy times... as much as they want that for themselves, from you.

Brave Hops. There's a quote attributed to John Wayne I always liked: "Courage is being scared, and doing it anyway". The part I think that lies beneath that... is "because it's the right thing to do". In this case, taking a chance on a "maybe" relationship was the right thing to do for you. Still don't know how it's going to turn out either... everyone has bumps like this that have to be negotiated. This could be one of those bumps.

I have such cold feet about even TALKING to some guy online... because I'm such a blabbermouth about myself mostly, and that can be dangerous... that I'm actually denying myself opportunities to just kinda get to know people. I think the Viking went to the Bahamas or something to avoid looking like such a chicken. LOL.

lighter:
Hops:

I'm not ringing alarm bells over a conversation you had with B.  You accept and admire him as a human being.  You have a problem with some behaviors, and will address them like you have in the past.

I think the key is to not pass judgement on him, but rather let him jlkniw how you're affected.  If he cares enough, he'll adjust and alter course.  If he doesn't, he'll likely make that known too.

Remember the 3 As.....
Assess
Accept
Act

You're both doing that, and no matter what happens.... it's OK.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thank you, Lighter.
I will try to make AAA my goal, when we talk again.

I'm sure he senses it was serious for me, because I expressed
that I'd rather not talk again for a week. But the truth is I wanted
to take time to recover from being so upset (including angry) before
we talk.

You're right. Assess, accept, act on it. This really is golden advice.

And much appreciated.

love
Hops

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