Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
sKePTiKal:
This is good news Hops. NOW, will you relax some? LOL. Enjoy yourself without looking at things that are said and go on, with such a microscope? Yeah, you still will want to follow your intuition about things; listen to your feelings... but it sounds to me like you can start lowering the drawbridge a little more. And trust that it's going to be OK; that you two can work and talk things out.
Hopalong:
Well, sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes it's spidey sense, and sometimes it's just neurosis.
We really have gotten to a better place. There have been moments, however, that needed dealing with. Like the incident in the car when he expressed frustration with physical aggression. Nothing dire, but I know what I felt and wasn't making it up. I have zero expectation he'll ever try that again, but the truth is I was sad to discover the capacity. Then again, if that never resurfaces, we're good. And his recent response did make me feel that something in him truly values me and doesn't want to blow it.
Meanwhile, we ARE in a happy place right now and I do plan to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I'm taking him to my church's potluck thing this week -- he surprised me by being quite eager to go. And I'm looking forward to it.
One challenge I have is sorting out in reality, what is a meaningful fear and what's just old stuff retriggered. My second husband did a Jekyll-Hyde thing on our wedding night that left me shattered. I avoid thinking about it and tell myself I'm over it, but knowing how serious B and I could become, I wonder if that's been playing beneath the surface of my mind. If it has, I will work with my T to become confident that I can judge a different man in a different time without that distortion. A close friend congratulated me for hanging in with Bob, and she said, "I know your flight instinct is strong." That was perceptive; I'd never thought of it that way. Hmm.
Lighter's three As...I'm not too concerned about Accept and Act, as I trust I could do those. But the first A, Assess...is the stage I'm still in. I want to do it with deep awareness. I guess more fun and affection and time will make the difference. Right now, that seems like a possibility.
I know I sound like Eeyore but it does feel good. I just don't know whether I'll ever feel full emotional abandon in love again. But even if I always hold my own center with care, I think I could be happy.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 26, 2018, 01:38:15 AM ---Well, sometimes it's anxiety, sometimes it's spidey sense, and sometimes it's just neurosis.
We really have gotten to a better place. There have been moments, however, that needed dealing with. Like the incident in the car when he expressed frustration with physical aggression. Nothing dire, but I know what I felt and wasn't making it up. I have zero expectation he'll ever try that again, but the truth is I was sad to discover the capacity. Then again, if that never resurfaces, we're good. And his recent response did make me feel that something in him truly values me and doesn't want to blow it.
Meanwhile, we ARE in a happy place right now and I do plan to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I'm taking him to my church's potluck thing this week -- he surprised me by being quite eager to go. And I'm looking forward to it.
One challenge I have is sorting out in reality, what is a meaningful fear and what's just old stuff retriggered. My second husband did a Jekyll-Hyde thing on our wedding night that left me shattered. I avoid thinking about it and tell myself I'm over it, but knowing how serious B and I could become, I wonder if that's been playing beneath the surface of my mind. If it has, I will work with my T to become confident that I can judge a different man in a different time without that distortion. A close friend congratulated me for hanging in with Bob, and she said, "I know your flight instinct is strong." That was perceptive; I'd never thought of it that way. Hmm.
Lighter's three As...I'm not too concerned about Accept and Act, as I trust I could do those. But the first A, Assess...is the stage I'm still in. I want to do it with deep awareness. I guess more fun and affection and time will make the difference. Right now, that seems like a possibility.
I know I sound like Eeyore but it does feel good. I just don't know whether I'll ever feel full emotional abandon in love again. But even if I always hold my own center with care, I think I could be happy.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hopsie, I think the thing to keep in mind is that it's okay not to feel full emotional abandon. If you need to keep a little bit back, then do. It isn't a bad thing, or wrong, it's just how it is and who you are, which is because of things that have happened in the past. I find I react to almost everything a man does, because over the years almost every kind of thing that someone can do has been done. I think that when we have that damaged part of ourselves it makes sense to take care of it. If you had a problematic ankle that caused pain if you walked too far you'd take care to limit your walking, to avoid the pain. I don't think our hearts are any different. You're enjoying the good stuff, you're aware that things aren't perfect (but are dealing with them perfectly, in my opinion).
I think a bad wedding night experience would play on your mind if you have the possibility of a wedding night happening at some point in the future. Perfectly normal. Your T will help you through, so will we - in time you might even feel up to telling B about it so he knows it wasn't good before. You don't have to weather every storm without a mark showing. It's alright to have a few dents :) xx
sKePTiKal:
One of the things I see in profiles all the time online, is "no baggage" as a requirement.
C'mon... no one gets to our age, without some kind of "baggage". I can understand the "no drama" requirement - but our own emotions are quite capable of inventing that drama; I know mine do.
So, I've got things that trigger me too and that flight response. And one of the things that triggers my flight response is any inkling of that emotional abandon. That's the danger zone, where I'm seeing things only the way I HOPE they're going to be; and not as they are.
So, Hops... the same thing happens with fear too. Every single time you've held up your figurative hand, and clearly stated your feelings... B has stopped; apologized; and corrected his behavior to be able to continue being with you and making you comfortable around him. He hasn't steamrolled you or taken advantage of your attraction to him. That's what IS. So far. And that's what I'm basing my suggestion that he's earned a little bit of trust from you (in the form of you relaxing some) on. (ooooo dangling participle time)
Yes, we do have to face those old triggers, and reduce their power over of us another notch if we can. Sometimes that requires actual experience with a new partner - that is very different from the past. And it might just take you - me - and others a little more time to get there than people who haven't experienced that.
Hopalong:
Wow. These insights are so extremely helpful. I mean REALLY, how does one explain the value of this kind of close observation and well expressed insight, from people who've been reading your internal monologues for literally years? Yegoshes. If every person everywhere had a claque of Amazons like you...oh this world would be better.
Tupp, thanks for pointing out there's nothing wrong in protecting a bruise. That it's even right. Of course. Duh. Healing one's bruises doesn't involve poking or pounding them.
Amber, what you said about fear was really an illumination of something for me. What IS, instead of what's FEARED. I really do need to try to keep my focus on what is. What's revealing, what's happening (and not happening). His real listening, more than my incessant filtering of invisibles, is a really really good thing that should be neutralizing a lot of my stuff. But I have to help.
I do feel calmer now. One little development during/after the Big Talk was teasing. We hadn't done much. And suddenly there was warm laughter and a silly flirty banter we hadn't fallen into before. (Hard to flirt when one is scared. And from the get-go we'd both been very clear how serious our intentions were, what we were looking for--so that got in the way of relaxing too.) The light banter tells me my threat level got lowered.
Evidence: We're going to visit old friends of his and though I'll have my own bed, I agreed to share a space with him where I walk through his sleep space to get to the bathroom! IOW, it's virtually a shared room....
How 'bout that.
Hops
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