Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 04, 2018, 07:13:05 PM ---Yeah, it's the paranoia and negative assumptions about huge swaths of people.
I suppose I should be touched by the macho fantasies but in fact I'm saddened. It just seems like an isolating kind of fear that prevents him from enjoying exploration and enjoying encountering new people. He carries that generally.
I'm beginning to think B and I won't enjoy much travel together. Our one overnight was to a tiny mountain town but the idea of cities seems to scare him a lot. He's mentioned it repeatedly. Like, "I'm not interested in London..." etc.
But I'm still looking forward to going and like it or not, B is going to meet 3 amazing other people I've known for many years. Then we'll go off to the shore to meet friends of his, which'll also be good, as I never have before....
--- End quote ---
Your approach might rub off on him a bit, Hopsie. If you ever plan a trip to London you can tell B you have a friend in the UK who will meet you and give you both a guided tour :) It can get very crowded during peak holiday times, especially around 'the sights', but there are so many little places to visit and you can walk for miles. The scariest thing is how much some places will charge you for a cup of coffee :) xx
Hopalong:
Oh that would be lovely, Tupp!
I lived in London for 6 months in the seventies. (On Jacksons Lane, between Archway and Highgate.) We'd grocery shop and go to Indian restaurants on Archway and I'd wander and hang out on Hampstead Heath and in the famous cemetery in Highgate with my fancy loaned camera. And now and then splurge on a tea to toast Dick Whittington.
I have a couple family friends in the U.K. but haven't seen them for ages. And one in Monmouth, Wales, which is very beautiful.
I think B and I will do fine once we get rolling. And his friends live in a quiet shore community so that'll give him a chance to recover from Da City.
:lol:
Hops
Hopalong:
Facing differences a little more clearly. Senses of humor (different planets) and sense of irony (me got, him not).
1) B sent me another sexist internet joke. It was juvenile, belittling, sexist and ugly. Plus, deeply dumb. He prefaced it with: "Prepare. This may make you laugh out loud." Similarly, when he sent me the raft of sexist/racist/belittling/stereotyping joke images some while back, he introduced it with, "These will delight and amuse you."
2) The other night I showed him the film Concussion, which had a huge impact on me. Long story short, it is the true story of the Nigeria-born pathologist who discovered CTE, the brain damage that affects many football players and leads to enormous suffering (death, suicide, early dementia) and which begins with head impacts in Pee Wee football. My response to the story was to know that I could never watch a sport that celebrates "good hits" over the brains that are hit. Same reason I deeply loathe all sports that involve people hitting each other in the face and head (same CTE).
B enjoyed the movie (it featured a lot of famous players and clips from games). He said, "really good film." The next morning he said when he got home, he watched some boxing.
I
nearly
give
up
....it's maybe a little drip drip drippy, but I do think at some point the water fills the cup on one side and the balance just swings.
I don't feel any panic, just a growing sense that I'm fooling myself. He's been dear and sweet to me but also offputting at times. And I'm coming to think that his desperation for a partner has intersected with my own fears of old age, and that this is maybe NOT a good recipe for a lifetime.
I'm sure I could explain his tastes in various ways. But I wonder if I should instead just be honest about their impact on me, inside, where my values and sense of hope live.
I'm starting to wonder if an ACTUAL shared life with him could turn into misery.
???
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Well Hopsie, I think on the one hand keep in mind 'the switch' - it was in that Judith Sill's book you recommended to me and it was about one partner pulling back and going off the other when it gets to the point of changing from dating to relationship. So maybe it's cold feet because of that. But equally - little annoying things can build up to a situation that is unbearable. It is hard; a perfect match is non existent (in my cynical world, at least) but it does have to be a match that means you can manage each other's annoying habits without too much bother. The sexist jokes after you've been very clear about them are a bit of a 'doh' moment. And the watching boxing after seeing a film about the impact of brain injuries, yep, something was missed there!
I don't know. Can you hang on in there and see how you feel in a few weeks? Do you need to take a little break and see how you feel if you don't see him for a couple of weeks?
For what it's worth, I don't think you're fooling yourself. You've been astonishingly open and honest about the whole process from the beginning and you've more than put in the time and effort to know that you've put in enough time and effort. I'm still hoping that it works out okay. But maybe a bit more time will give you a bit more perspective (either way!)? xx
sKePTiKal:
Well Hops, I never expected this kind of thing to stop bothering you and wondered the result, if he didn't try to accommodate you. I wonder IF there is middle ground - that while not perfect, for either of you - would "work" out of mutual respect for the other's values.
If it is possible, then you'll both want to contribute some definitions - boundaries - about what's OK and what's not. If that is too contractual to have a "relaxed" relationship... well, then perhaps the differences are too far apart to meet in the middle w/o both of you giving up too much of yourselves.
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