Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 15, 2018, 10:51:01 AM ---Thank you, Tupp. That was very comforting.
I don't know what got into me in the middle of the night but, wow.
I hope I ride it through and realize that a whole bunch of forces are playing on me right now...Ngent's serious deterioration (he's been in a pain crisis, I've had to hire an agency to fill in extra time but he still calls me three times on my day off and he's not yet able to move to assisted living, so most of the responsibility falls on me). And the church stuff has rattled my world.
But I feel as though I'm thinking unfairly. I wish I could adopt the lighter (no pun intended, Lighter! :lol:) more playful attitude toward this.
Gonna work on that. Hops dunno.
Thank you for listening to all of this...
xo
Hops
--- End quote ---
It's not unfair of you to find some of his habits irritating or his jokes offensive, Hops, it's open and realistic. And it's definitely not unfair to be wondering about you'll be a nurse for longer than you'll be a new bride. I think the thing is B can be a good man and have lots of good points but still just not be right for you. Doesn't mean anything bad about you or him, it just is. Or maybe it is just a settling in patch and once this bit settles it will be good but on a slightly deeper level. I think the thing with new relationships is that we all put on our best behaviour but none of us can keep it up indefinitely. So it does become more about whether someone's good enough is good enough for both. Maybe in a few weeks you'll feel it is good enough for both of you, maybe you'll feel it isn't. But it's not unfair of you to feel what you feel and think what you think. That's what makes you you. There's nothing I've read that's made me think you're being OTT or unreasonable - quite the opposite, in fact. So no more giving yourself a hard time xx
lighter:
Hops:
A friend once told me we had to love our mate's negative traits as much as their lovely traits.
::Blowing huge raspberry on that::.
We don't HAVE to ANYTHING, IMO.
All that's needed is enough space, respect, and comfort.... whatever your poison happens to be, to get through, hopefully with more good memories than bad.
I'm of the opinion that caring for an old man is terrifying, btw. I don't want that either. I don't blame you at all, esp after caring for your mother for so many years.
I am curious though..... and you may have told me.... please forgive if so.....
what is B's plan for old age? I think you said he has insurance for his care? You wouldn't be expected to actually hands on care for him if he's lost in dimentia.... would you? I remember a friend barricading herself in her bedroom as her husband became more and more violent.... removing all the kitchen cabinet doors..... he'd been a doctor with his pilot's license, his own plane and a boat he captained. It didn't save his brain to BE that active, smart, capable. IT just made him more difficult to deal with as his illness progressed.
BTW, you're really honing in on in your posts. Everything you write makes sense to me. Remember it's OK if this doesn't work out..... no matter what.... it's OK.
His putting pressure on you is perhaps jacking up anxiety levels. Don't let him DO that to you. Shut out that pressure... pretend it has nothing to do with you, and go about your very busy life. You have a life. You have friends. You have your church family, and B would have to come'round in many ways for you to be comfortable in the relationship to consider investing more in the relationship.... sounds as though it might be considerable less investment very soon.
About the food......
IF you didn't have to work any longer.....
IF you had more time, and got busy working on your novel, and gardening.... lovely splendid gardening just the way you like it..
would planning, talking, shopping and preparing meals be less of a chore?
Would it, could it, become a shared pleasure... maybe?
I sense I know the answer, but...... he sounds pretty busy. How much together time is he looking for? Maybe you guys would have a routine that didn't bug you as much as you're bugged now with all the pressure?
Just look at it from every angle, then trust yourself.
I trust you: )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Been awful quiet. Everyone seems really busy.
Appreciate, when you get a chance, an update on your B situation.
Hopalong:
Ahhh thanks for asking, Amber.
I'm just trying to roll with my discernment (which is boinging around like the ADD brain).
I'm getting back in touch with his core good intentions, and that helps. But still struggling with my own irritation at personality stuff, much of which he truly can't help. More than a test of who B is, I think I'm confronting a test of who I am.
I really spelled out for him the other day how MUCH I do not want to be in charge of keeping him emotionally comfortable. He has a tendency after every encounter, alone or with others, to give me a kind of "post-mortem power point takeaway executive summary" that just irritates me no end. (I really liked this part, and then when you hugged me then, and that kiss was especially nice, and the salad was fairly good, and it was nice talking to your neighbor, and on and on and on....) He just never says, I felt happy and close and had a really good time. I'm going to get the spreadsheet rundown and I really don't like it. I feel like I'm getting a report card! I REALLY feel that way. (And told him so and he said, bless him, "I'm just being a darn engineer." It's true and not his fault, and I feel like a jerk.)
Today, he wanted to tell me how much he enjoyed our time together last night. We went to my goofy neighbor's for wine and a garden tour (she's intense but fascinating). Then we ate simply here (the man puts BUTTER on his pizza crust!) and then watched some tube. We cuddled and necked. He literally moans with pent-up passion almost any time I kiss him halfway seriously. And though he means it in the best way...maybe because I'm .... I honestly don't know .... I feel pressured. So I pull back. It's like he can't relax about anything, and his frustration and intensity are off putting even though I'm positive he doesn't want me to withdraw. Couldn't be more positive!
Overall, I am definitely feeling love and affection for him. I'm just wading through the Swamp of Recoil based on personality stuff that's nobody's fault. Hops dunno, dunno, dunno.
It is truly nice having him in my life but I feel as though he's telling me, it's never enough. I wrote this email I never sent to him but it sums it up:
I care about you, B. Much more than that. But I do feel repeated subtle pressure to ensure that you feel okay, and I think in some ways I try to avoid time with you when what I really want is to feel relaxed and mellow about our times together. Sometimes in our conversations after an encounter -- more often after anything other than being alone together -- I feel as though you're explaining how it is my responsibility to make you feel emotionally safe, even in an fairly ordinary situation. Meeting people. Going somewhere unfamiliar. Etc. Your ongoing analyses of missing gestures or something inadequate in the occasion that resulted in you feeling unsatisfied -- more time together, more intimacy than occurred, more reassurances that we are emotionally connected without pause -- leave me feeling drained.
I know retreating to email is a bad idea because it's where I go to analyse and that's anti-intimacy. Today on the phone I pretty much described the "now here is your report card for the evening" thing and I think he understood it. I just think it's so hardwired that it's exactly who he is and how he functions and I worry that I'd be in an eternal state of dreading the next "report."
Poor B. He tries hard and I'm feeling critical. Hope I snap out of this soon.
We do have an upcoming trip I'm looking forward to. Old friend, my publisher, in a gorgeous old house in my old city...then over to the shore to stay with friends of his, which I'm looking forward to.
I finally met a couple that are his friends and liked them plenty. They're joining us at a Better Angels workshop at my church later this week, which is cool of them. It's an organization that guides groups of conservatives and liberals through communication exercises aimed at defusing the intense polarization that is America right now. I was pleased they said yes!
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hopsie, I just wanted to say, there's nothing wrong with you not liking things about him. I kind of got the sense that you feel like you shouldn't dislike these things about him? I don't know if I've read that wrong. Apologies if I have. I don't think it's a test of yourself to tolerate things that you find irritating? He can be a nice guy with good intentions and good core values and still not be a good fit for you. Doesn't mean there's anything bad about him or wrong in anyway, or with you. We all just have some people we click with and some we don't. I did notice that you're empathetic to B's habits but not to your own? The report card he gives you after a get together - that you don't like but feel like a jerk for mentioning - is kind of the same thing that you do when you write emails you don't send - which you say is a bad thing, but from my point of view, what you're doing is working through what's in your head in private, rather than loading it on to him for him to deal with. He doesn't seem to be doing the same thing for you.
I think what I'm mostly trying to say - and it's meant in a kind way, not a critical way - is that I feel like I'm hearing ways of how you feel you should be accommodating things about him that you find irritating. But there's nothing wrong with feeling irritated, Hops, or finding things that people do irritating. He can be a good man with annoying traits. It's not a sign of anything bad in either one of you - it's just people and honesty (and you being honest with yourself, which I think is most important).
I think you passed the test of who you are a long time ago, Hops. Intelligent, compassionate, emotionally astute, resourceful, honest, hard working, etc. You don't need to add "never finds anything annoying" to the list. It's alright to feel annoyed, and if it gets to the point where you feel tense rather than relaxed when you're with him then it's alright to take a break and give yourself some space xx
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