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Heist on Something....

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sKePTiKal:
Good post & advice, Lighter.

Hopalong:
Thank you ALL.
I do have to watch out for avoidance, etc. I do have to take responsibility for calming and soothing myself, even when he displays blind spots or quirks he can't help (or needs to be reminded are important to work on). I don't have to reshape myself, become someone I'm not, or abandon my own life because he offers me a shared one. Those are my fears of enmeshment, from my Nmother and from two miserable marriages. I ponder our economic differences, and worry that I might sometimes (when not tuned into my wellbeing) confuse cooperation with obedience.

I don't do obedience. And I have no idea whether he'd fantasize he wants that. Despite my times of anxiety or weakness, I am not afraid I'd abandon myself.

We haven't had the money talk yet, but we will. I will feel more clarity after we do. Depending on whether he signals money as control, versus as cooperation, I'll know whether it feels emotionally safe to go long term. Meanwhile, he's innocent of anything other than my fearful fantasies.

His own neediness I think is manageable on my end by simply claiming the time and space I need. I have consistently done that so far, and he's managed. He gets satisfaction out of other activities and does have a few friends he keeps up with, plus his daughter. So even if he should try to make me his Everything, I will refuse the role. I don't think he intends to do that, but has his unaware stuff too.

The thing about "being poked" is that I'm not. Rather, I'm having surges of anxiety or anger when he simply does or says something that's in his nature, not intended in any negative way. I do feel not that I must change who I am to be with him, but that I must take responsibility for managing myself. Not solely to please or accomodate him, but to create my own peace if I wish to continue in this relationship.

I do have a hypercritical and always-editing reflex that comes up in intimate relationships. I think it's some kind of defensiveness that comes out of intense fear of being controlled. B is managerial, but he's also very decent and cares about doing the right thing. He's managed, managed, managed people and situations his whole life. It's his way of doing good (in his view). So I have to figure out whether I can do the calm and consistent assertiveness that I want to do, aim for, or get better at. Because his nature is such that I'd always need to be able to respond No, thanks but I don't need a solution, etc etc -- always. And if I get calmly comfortable with doing that, with speaking up, with not allowing festering...maybe it'd become a beautiful thing. I think there's a hope of this.

He's not poking me. I'm allowing myself (my raw nature) to be intensely reactive to his ordinary B-ness. IOW, what I take as a poke sometimes, ain't necessarily a poke. It's just a comment, a reflex, a habit of B's.

Yes, if it's too much, I'll take a walk. But I'm not there now. Because the sense of being cherished is also real, and valuable, and surprising to me. It's been so many years since I felt loved, and I do believe B loves me. While being "taken care of" isn't my MO (I have rejected I don't know how many well off men due to incompatibility), B's offer does affect me. I'm just at that place in my life now where I can't pretend that's irrelevant. Kind of hate that it is any factor at all, but in truth, it's there. I just will not allow myself to accept a shared life until and unless my heart goes deeper.

That's the other thing. My heart IS softening, and my own ability to love and cherish is surfacing. I am feeling tenderness toward him lately that is strong and new. Just a sense that he's no more imperfect than I am, and that he does have a good heart and good intention for me, and for us.

I don't know whether that all means we can craft a good life. But I still think it may be possible.

In other news, about my D, got distressing info about her this morning. Will post that on another thread.

You guys have no idea how much it means to have you here. Thank you.

love,
Hops

PS--Occurs to me that I might be driving you guys crazy with a form of Yes-BUTtiness, and want to apologize. On the one hand, I bleat and vent about his Most Irritating habits/impulses, and then you affirm my right to be annoyed by whatever and how it's okay to find this practice rather than permanence. Then I come again and post defending him and positing a possible lovely future with him. So it must feel like watching tennis and a little crazy making. Please forgive and please DO keep sharing your thoughts. Even when I seem to be batting them back, that's likely more unawareness, anxiety, uncertainty. Your thoughts are STILL planting seeds of understanding and insight even if I don't get them fully in the moment.

I think in some ways debating myself. My inconsistency is maddening to me, and must be to you too at times. Know how profoundly (words fail) I am grateful that you keep caring anyway. Your brains and hearts have made so much difference in my life, and this is truly the safest space I've got. Don't give up on me!

Twoapenny:
I don't think you're inconsistent, Hops, just muddling through as we all have to!  There are times I am envious of people who can just 'be' in a relationship without a long back history that keeps coming up and those who can just not 'see' situations that are in front of them.  There is an easiness to life if you can breeze through it with your eyes shut :)

I do think as well, though (and this is where I am always reminded of a therapist I used to see; she used to say "I'm just putting my objective hat on" and mime putting it on her head) that some of the things you mention about yourself -avoidance, fear of enmeshment, panic when certain things come up, anxiety and so on - are your 'hard wired' bits that will always be there - with you aware of them and working on them but there, none the less, in much the same way that B's food thing and not getting the D situation and wanting to fix things will always be there.  And it might be that yes, you can work on things, he can work on things and it works, or it might be that you both bring up too many other things in each other to work on (because it just gets too tiring to keep doing it).  I don't think there's anything wrong with any of it, on either side, it just is what it is and it is hard to try to have real, authentic relationships and to be empathetic to each other whilst keeping hold of yourself.  So I think you're doing a good job of walking that tightrope and stopping for a breather every now and again and I'm glad he was there after you saw the news about your D.  It sounds like he did a good job that evening xx

lighter:
Hops:

Rant, defend, and bleat away.  That's taking everything out, laying on the table, and sorting through.  How else to determine what's there, how you feel about it, and what to do?

Only you can determine what's what, and you're certainly going to be the one living with the consequences. 

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thanks, you guys, so much.

I was deeply surprised yesterday when I was SO distressed about my D, shared the news with B, and he listened and was present with tenderness and peace. He said not ONE word about "fixing it" and was gentle and calming to be around. It helped me get back my equilibrium.

I know part of it is that I snapped back so strongly the other day when he waded in with his Mr. Fixit boots on. But the thing is...again, he listened. He really listened. And took action based on it (or refrained from acting).

That's probably the most encouraging thing about B.

xxoo
Hops

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