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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
Weekend was great!
First night we spent with the publisher of my first book (poetry) in her family's huge old place near my university...she was (at nearly 80) her enchanting self, and the whole time was magical. I was so moved to be with her again. Major mentor in my writing life, and one of the most generous souls I've ever known. She never met a writer she didn't encourage, and her support buoyed me in a permanent way. I adore her. And she was smitten with B (has always adored men). Kept muttering things to me about him, like (my fav), "Staggeringly handsome!". Cracked me up.

B was dear and solicitous of her and lovely to all my friends, as usual.

Funny thing happened. On the way to the restaurant to me a couple I hold very dear and hadn't seen for 15 years, we passed the fabulous art museum (used to live across the way and spent many hours in rapt poet-spaced-out joy there) and I actually choked up just at the sight of that building. Then when I saw my long-lost gf at the restaurant (mother of my own D's best friend and aware of much that's happened, seeing her own Ds photo laid me out again) I hugged her and just started crying. Had to go to the loo to compose myself. Finally blurted out to her, "This was the last place I was truly happy." It was bittersweet but so lovely, beyond lovely, to be in that place and with those dear people again. Her hubby picked up the tab for all five of us, which shocked me. Warn't cheap!

B had wild boar. He was a bit stunned at the surroundings I think. Sophisticated in a way your average high-end golf club isn't! I took two huge hanging baskets (petunias, a cool hybrid blue stripey one). One for my publisher, which she reacted to like a new adopted baby, even given that she has a sun porch jammed with plants...and one for B's friends.

Next day we went to the shore to stay with them for two nights -- a verrry eccentric couple. She a glass artist and he a fine carpenter. Huge rambling house that was a wing added, then another wing...etc. It was jammed with objects and art and sculptures to the point of claustrophobia (and don't get me, or my lungs, going on the dust...). But we had a sort of upstairs apartment to ourselves in the last wing and it was fine. They were kind and welcoming and lively and she cooked something fierce. I was touched and happy to connect so well with them. She and I hopped into her convertible and went into the little village where her art is part of a store's display. It was just fun. I picked up on some martial tension with them and hope they can resolve it, as folks like that don't come around every day.

She shared a few stories about B and his wife (for whom she had a lot of sympathy...controlling was the issue B's wife wrestled with too). She also said how much they cared for B and how delighted they were with me, so that was mighty sweet. I'm sure if I stay with B we'll be friends too.

We went to look at B's old place, which was unoccupied. Beautiful stone house right on the river, and B felt melancholy about how his painstaking landscaping had been either undone or neglected by the next owner. I was glad to be on the spot of such a big chapter in his life and it clearly meant a lot to him to tour me around and show me so much of it. Lovely area, remote, wooded, lovely homes, etc.

On the way home we yakked it up and he surprised me by asking some questions about Aspergers, and said he thought (or had heard a T say, I don't recall) that he might be somewhat that way. That made a lot of sense to me. I asked kindly, "Do you think you sometimes miss some social cues?" and he said, Yes, I think so. That touched me and made me less impatient (internally) with his incredibly laborious storytelling. I talk and think at lightning speed and he tells a story with such slow deliberation that it tests me a lot. And this tidbit made me soften, find compassion and patience. So I'm glad we had such a long stretch of road time that it allowed that to come out.

All in all a very good experience that left me feeling more hopeful. B started telling me how much he'd like to return to the UK (he was there as an Air Force cadet) and it wasn't hard to fantasize being on a trip like that....

Thanks for asking!

love
Hops

Twoapenny:
That sounds really nice, Hops, it sounds like a great weekend and so glad to read that you were able to reconnect with some good friends and people you hadn't seen for a long time (and meet some new people, too!).  It sounds lovely, I'm glad it all went well for you both xx

sKePTiKal:
Well OK then!  LOL.

Both of you revisiting past lives and sharing with each other in a way that brought it to life. The inquiry and curiosity about Aspergers. All good signs of a real connection. Lots of high-functioning Aspies have had to learn about social functioning... and it always looks a little awkward; gawky. What people don't often "get" is that the degree of aspie-ness can be so very minor that it's unnoticable in some people. Looks like controlling and OCD-ness, sometimes.

Put those people into a stress situation - particularly socially - and kaabamm - it flares up. Or strong emotion is another one. It's POSSIBLE, that this might've been behind the uncomfortable car making out situation. He was so carried away with what he was feeling - he wasn't picking up your reticence - because the feeling flooded him and blotted out sensibility to everything else.

But then, I see "aspie" as huge continuum; a "tendency" rather than a condition that is all cut & dried definable. Kind of like sense of humor. Some people are just naturally funny... others of us can "be in the mood"... or have to work at it. This babbling, is trying to say, that I think all people can exhibit aspie "symptoms" at various times in specific situations.

I'll shut up now. That's close enough I think you'll understand what I'm trying to say.

lighter:
Well, Hops... I cried through the meeting you had with the other mother at the restaurant. 

So very touching, and poignant to go back to places and people.... we enjoyed happier times.

I'm glad you connected with friends and loved ones on that trip. 

It sounds like you had a wonderful adventure.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Thanks, guys.
It was so good to be able to come here and share the whole tale.

Been some ups and downs since but I'm hanging in.
We've been to the counselor 3 times and he's not bad, we'll decide in the next 2 weeks whether to stick with him. (He flogged his book at us pretty hard, two in fact, and wasn't very straight about it. But the info has been useful. I think B is responding. Sometimes it hits me that I'm sitting there with two tall, successful males, and wonder how well they'll be able to understand my experience.)

We did get some deeper clarity this time, and stayed connected. When we work at it (and oh work we will have to) we treat each other respectfully, are open, and that's touching. B's biggest irritation is lack of intimacy. I get it, I know it's not the current model. But I explained to them I have baggage around rushing in and that just like in past generations, I will give myself a slow courtship or be at peace with none. He backed off, said later "I don't know why I think about sex so much." I get it, I told him, it's natural. We're just coming at it from different places....

My biggest irritation is his compulsive planning, but the session yesterday got me to realize that sometimes I interpret things B says as controlling (and they are) and other times similar things he's saying are an attempt to be considerate or helpful. I react like a porcupine to his "suggestions" because they feel paternalistic. For example, he said, I don't think I should bring up a heavy issue in therapy without warning Hops about it first. I said, please, blindside away. You don't need to protect me from whatever is true, just please speak. The prickly part was "you don't need to protect me." It turned out he just wanted to say to the counselor, what evidence do I have that this will all work out, or that our issues will get better? Easy. Counselor said, none.

I have a hard time relaxing into B's "protection" because it morphs so easily into controlling. But he does own that.

Another issue I feel guilty for describing. I need to ask myself how capable I am of being patient. B is soooooooooooooooo slow at times. (I actually read that one wee trait of some people who are Aspie-ish is walking slowly! I've noticed that repeatedly with B. The man plays raquetball, but walking with him feels like we're on the Gallapagos.) But the killer (for me, writer me) is his story telling. He includes EVERY he said, then I said, then the person walked into the room, and he sat down, and he said to the other person...............

A private guilty screeeeeeeeeeeeem builds up in my head. Instead I breathe and remind myself that B is teaching me patience and that compassion is my biggest value. Fail.

More later, just a glimpse of what I'm chewing on.

xo
Hops

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