Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Heist on Something....
sKePTiKal:
Goodness! Of course we'd hold your hand, as many times as you've held ours... and the back & forth you went through seems par for the course, not crazy at all. Can't think of any more important a decision to make for oneself. I don't think there's a happy medium really, between over-analyzing something this important and just blindly jumping in throwing caution to the wind. (Well, there is... but not even I have over-analyzed it enough to figure out just what it is... LOL.)
maybe.............. it's just as simple as whether you feel happy most of the time. And whether the things that feel unhappy... are important enough to you, that they would grow over time into serious resentment and unhappiness?
Dunno. My viking evaporated after I said I didn't really like the music he shared with me. I just don't go in for angry, hateful at the world, testorone-filled noise. I don't imagine he'd like my folk music either. But that seems like a pretty superficial "must have criteria" doesn't it?
C'est la vie...
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber. Such incredible support.
I think you're right. Definitely there were happy times, but B and I ran on different current. I'm becoming convinced that in most cases, hard wiring is more powerful than nurture and as a youngun, that wouldn't have occurred to me. I thought the rest was romance novels.
I think I would've become chronically sad because of it. And it's not his fault. I just don't have enough carapace to let those (to me, loaded) things keep bouncing off. It's a shame, because what's good was lovely. But no point pretending. Pretending got me into two miserable marriages and I still would like to end my life in a happy, connected one, should the fates allow.
A Viking who prefers head-banging, mean music to Amber is wearing a toy plastic helmet, sheltering not enough brains. Actually, kind of a great reveal, imo. I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be a grownup but hope you don't regret the experiment.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
I'm sorry things haven't worked out Hops but I think you're right when you say you and B run on different currents. But you can be certain that you absolutely gave it your best shot and, as Skep says, you went about it all in exactly the right way. And things have ended calmly, respectfully, warmly, even - much better to acknowledge what's what at this stage than, as you say, realise further in (when commitments are deeper) and you can't even stand being in the same room together. Big hug coming your way.
(((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))) xx
Hopalong:
Thanks, ((((Tupp))).
I really appreciate your kind heart, so much.
I am actually feeling pretty good.
Although that may have something to do with bourbon.
Still, it does not feel tragic.
I miss B. I do recognize there is real love in my heart for his vulnerable-boy side.
But I also feel SUCH relief that I know it was the right decision.
I hope he'll be okay. I truly think it's hardest on him. I was always more independent.
With you Amazons' encouragement, I know I will be okay.
Plus, the irises. And friends.
xxxxxxoooooo
Hops
Hopalong:
I know the aftereffects are normal. Noticing I feel un-anchored, a little anxious. It was NICE, despite all the tensions, to know that somebody expected/wanted to see me a couple times a week. But the incompatibilities were too big for us.
What I'd really like to do is not revert to my old pattern of regularly terrorizing myself with frightened thoughts about my future. How do I know I won't die easily in my sleep on day and never face the old-age poverty I'm too absorbed by? Likely, it'll be something in between and I'll be fine.
So that's the big fear. And I need to face it, keep working and saving, and meanwhile start enjoying my leisure time again. Plus writing.
On the brighter side, I promptly made a just-coffee date with an online fellow who sounds nice. Well, glass of wine downtown date, actually.
I think I want to see how it is, and how I do, with the first-dates thing again. Rather than retreat.
Looking back on B, I know the concerns about our deep deep obvious differences were there from the get-go, and it not working out wasn't rocket science. (I do feel some sadness about missing the side of him I felt tenderly toward but still know it was the right decision.) And, still glad we tried.
So it's back to the "practice" practice. I know it's healthy. And in spring, when I can take my pooch and work in a walk on my way to a meet, it's less daunting than new-dates felt in the cold.
I think I should keep it light and not have those deadly-serious conversations instantly. But I also think that Judith Sills' wisdom sticks with me. First few dates are critical because for some odd reason, before people know each other and before any bond, they tend to reveal themselves most. And you can get a lot of very valuable insight if you (me) ask your questions lightly and in an unthreatening, casual way. Just keeping the ears tuned.
Lighter, your list of transparent explanations about who you are and what you require backfired on you in the bad one. I am hoping I can find a compromise between being focused on saying what are my own likes and wishes versus must-haves and deal-breakers....and missing his answers to the same. It's like doing two things at once, with ADD distractibility.
What I need to do is listen closely and (this part doesn't come too naturally) ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS. A first date (or second) is the best time to (at this age anyway) get right out on the table whether I'm looking for just a fun companion or a serious relationship that could end in marriage. Early on, first date especially, I can look any geezer mildly in the eye and say, how about you? Do you see yourself marrying again? Usually, on a very early date, they'll tell the truth. Anyone who straightforwardly rules it out, I'll not spend tons of time on.
I do know what I want. A happy, comforting, kind marriage that gives us both company and support for the final chapter. Lots of people find that at ages even older than 68, so there's no reason for me to give up on the idea.
And there we go. I'm pondering leaving this thread alive for any dating or general Heist stuff. It's likely to be a bouncy parade of encounters I'll need y'all's feedback about.
Does that make sense?
love
Hops
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