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Heist on Something....

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Hopalong:
I'm a Hoover stuck on high...vacuuming up every grain.

(Meanwhile, this was the Dear Prudence column today on SLATE. Must be a conspiracy...)

Dear Prudence,
I have more than once had sex, or gone further than I was really comfortable going with men, for the sake of preserving their feelings, or because I felt I had already taken things too far to back out. Almost all of my female friends have a similar story. How do I convince myself that I don’t need to have sex with someone to protect their feelings? And how do I find the words to politely end a sexual encounter after I become uncomfortable?
—Opting Out

Unlearning the message that you are responsible, as a woman, for making a man feel always comfortable is the work of a lifetime! The language itself is fairly simple and straightforward. There are dozens of ways to politely stop a sexual encounter: “Thanks for a nice evening, but I’m not feeling a connection, so I’m going to go home”; “I’m not comfortable with this anymore; let’s stop”; “I’m not coming in, good night.” The bigger problem, which you’ve already identified, is overriding the voice in your brain that says Oh my God, I couldn’t possibly say that, even if it were true. He’d be so offended, and I’d hurt his pride, and what if he tried to point out that I seemed to be having a good time earlier? I don’t want to get into an argument over this; it’d be easier just to go along for now and then leave as soon as it’s over.

Think of it this way. You sound like a sensitive and empathetic person—you would presumably not want to have sex with a man who actually felt uncomfortable and disinterested in sleeping with you, who was simply going along with you because he was anxious about hurting your feelings. If you found out that a man you were about to sleep with felt this way, you would stop immediately, because you would be wholly uninterested in having sex with a partner who was not genuinely enthusiastic. You would not want him to put on a good show, grit his teeth, and get through it. So treat yourself with the same kindness and generosity. I hope you find partners who cheerfully and graciously accept “Hey, this isn’t working for me anymore—let’s stop” as a normal thing to hear on a date. I hope you’re able to give yourself permission to stop a sexual encounter without feeling like you need to apologize or that you’re trying to break a lease before your rental agreement is up. Going on a date, flirting with someone, kissing someone, testing your chemistry—these aren’t links in a chain of events that leads to an irreversible “We have to have sex now” contract that you’re obligated to uphold against your own wishes, inclinations, and desires.

sKePTiKal:
Serendipity!

Prudence explained that way better than I tried to. I wonder if we ALL need a thread to just explore this whole side of our lives? So we don't keep trying to sort things out all over the place? Sort of an "Amazon's Powder Room" conversation...

lighter:
Hear!  Hear!

Prudence....


hear, hear.

Hopalong:
I got no objections to anybody discussing "Heist" issues on this thread, for sure! I learn from it all and can always revert to talking about my specific relationship issues any time I want... y'all are welcome.

B. called tonight and we had a good talk so I'm feeling a bit better. He talked a lot about what I already knew. He WANTS TO ALREADY BE THERE. Sharing not just a bed but life and daily everything, because (my words) what he's feeling is a horrid cosmic loneliness. I get it. He was married for 46 years and being alone is freaking him out. (Which does not make it my problem to solve, as Lighter says. And, as L. says, I am not obligated to help him shortcut his suffering.)

But overall it was a good talk. He's made clear he wants not just me but the whole enchilada. (Not a proposal but he's imagining our lives shared FT. And I already told him what my goal is --family not girlfriend if we go there--so we'll cross that bridge down the road. Too early now.)

He told me it wasn't just that he was disappointed about not getting sex, but he'd been feeling frustrated during the evening because I'd talked a lot about various friends and other things, and not about our relationship and focusing on us, which is what he'd wanted. I am so glad I've learned this thing about not expecting someone else to read your mind or make you comfortable (like Prudie said). Just like that other night, when he got negative, and the next day had a big explanation about how he needed more touch and closeness. In both situations, the issue was the same. He was annoyed that I didn't give what he wanted (when he hadn't asked for it).

That time, I (being old and all) knew what I needed to tell him, which was: It's always good to ask for what you want, as long as you release the outcome. He goes huh? I said, when you're feeling the need for more touch or closeness, it's fine to speak: Would you give me a hug? (And know that sometimes you may not get what you ask for. But never expect another to read your mind.)

Last night, it was the same theme. So on the phone I told him, My response would be, Did you know that at any time during dinner, you could take my hand and say, "I'd like to talk about us. I've been feeling...etc." And he got it. That was the theme. He said he'd been telling himself that I didn't care as much as he did because I was talking about friends and not "us." And I responded that if he wanted to talk about us he could have said so. And I would have been happy to.

It was a good talk in that we communicated pretty well, and the theme became clear. He said he thinks that bears repeating. (Boy, I imagine it'd have to be repeated for years...took me decades of therapy and relationship books to understand that.) He's wanting me to know and anticipate and mind-read and I'm refusing/unable to do that, and that's healthier. Doesn't mean it'll work out long term but I do feel a lot more clear about knowing what I know is wise and not apologizing for it, even if he might eventually decide he can't hang in. (I have plenty I can learn from him as well.)

I also talked to him about exactly how I felt (over-ridden and him being large and seeming angry) in the car necking session. He said somberly, it is very good we're talking. I mentioned that this is a happy but huge adjustment for me, and that remaining centered in myself and my own sense of timing is important for me. I also told him, if someone I'm with who is fighting that cosmic void feeling (how much time do we have left, I want a shared life NOW) and thus has much more time urgency, and simply can't bear the frustration of my pace...I know that person can decide to go and find someone who is faster or more ready than I am. And I am at peace with that.

All in all, encouraging enough that we're still moving forward. Getting more specific about a weekend away (two rooms) and he also has a week's timeshare-ish thing at Hilton Head for another getaway should the first one go well and things progress.

I don't know if I'd have the courage not to bolt if it weren't for you guys. I mean that.

THANK YOU for abiding these ups and downs and minutiae with me. Do you know how wise and sane you are?

Gratefully,
Hops

Hopalong:
PS -- and I sent the Prudie column to B!

 :D

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