Author Topic: getting it all out - (LONG)  (Read 1488 times)

paige

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
getting it all out - (LONG)
« on: December 06, 2004, 01:43:48 PM »
I just finished writing this letter to my mom, I'm not going to send it - but it helped all whole lot to write it.  I wanted to post it here to see if anyone may relate at all.  Thanks

Mom,  

I really did not want to have to get into any of this with you, but I am kind of sick of you acting like I’m insensitive by not keeping in touch.  After everything you have pulled, you are lucky to have anything at all to do with my children or me.  

Starting back when Alex was alive:  You had practically nothing to do with her, only pretended to when it was convenient.  When ever you did help out watching the kids you brought Bill so that he could watch Alex while you spent time with Cassie. We had to take Cassie all the time to the E.R. with us because it was between hell and impossible to get cooperation from you to watch Cassie.  

 After Alex died, you acted as though she never existed and that my remembering her was abnormal and unfair to Cassie.  You said many horrible insensitive things to me that I absolutely did not deserve nor would I expect any mother to say to their child.  (that Alex got more attention dead then Cassie did alive, I always was trying to get attention. Etc…)

When Penny was born you had NOTHING to do with her.  Even Cassie picked up on it and would ask why you didn’t love her sister.  We thought that maybe because of Alex’s death you were afraid to get close to Penny, afraid that she may get sick too.  We tried to gently persuade you to get involved.  We offered to bend over backwards but to no avail.  

Your relationship with Cassie over the last five or so years has not been normal.  You keep secrets with her, you tell her things to try to turn her against Adam and I.  You wanted to turn Cassie into a little mini-you.  You have been controlling and demanding.  You expect me to go out of my way to bring Cassie to you when ever the craving hits, but many times when I needed you to help out you had major problems with it, as if I was using you.  

You have never been supportive of me emotionally in any way.  You constantly put me down, question and judge me, and criticize me to no end.  You would pick at me at times of stress.  Like my wedding day to Adam.  The day Alex got put on oxygen.  

When I started looking for Cristin, you knew she had died but purposely didn’t tell me.  You knew I was asking about her and looking, but you kept silent.  When you finally told me of her death you expected me to be completely unaffected.  You never mentioned it again.  If fact, as I was growing up it was well known to all that we were not allowed to mention her or recognize her.  You kept me from knowing and having her as my sister.  She is dead and you took her away from me.

We were not on speaking terms when Andrew died, but I dropped all that and came running.  I’m not saying that others wouldn’t have but I did more than anyone else.  I knowing what it was like to lose a child, made myself completely available to listen to you and help in any way.  Adam and I did a lot to help with the plans for Andrew.  I put up with my father and his complete disregard for human life. (It was my brother for God’s sake) It was not easy to listen to you say all the things that I had felt or said when Alex died knowing that you could not support me then – I supported you regardless of that.

After all these things and much, much more I was willing to have a relationship with you.  What you did last December though, I can’t look past, forgive, and forget.  When Adam and I separated and I needed a break from the kids for awhile, you attacked me and accused me of abandoning my kids (Cassie).  You called me a bad mother.  I was already in a bad place after Andrew’s death and my relationship problems.  When I took the pills and ended up in the hospital:  You took that as an opportunity to turn everyone against me and try to get my children taken away from me.  One would think that after Andrew died, you would have learned something.  You knew that my biological siblings both died by suicide.  Andrew had attempted several times before his death.  Yet instead of supporting and helping me, you tell everyone I was out for attention.   Yeah.  The fact is that I was dealing with depression.  It is already in my genes, but also completely understandable following the death of my little brother.  Whom I cared for deeply!!!!!!! And felt responsibility for.  

You know all these things and you know damn well why I have a limited relationship with you.  You have no right to put some guilt trip on me or accuse me of being insensitive.  If you have a relationship with me or my children, it will be on my terms.  There will be no out right favoritism shown.  If you can’t handle having the kids on your own then you don’t need to.  I can bring them to visit and take them both when I leave.  That is if and when you see them at all.  You will accept seeing us every couple of months or when I am up to it.  (That is if you desire to at all)  You have tried to control everything – but you will not this time!  I don’t need you and neither do the kids.  I allow you to see them out of the kindness of my heart.  If it will cause me stress then I won’t anymore.

DJ

  • Guest
getting it all out - (LONG)
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2004, 02:59:34 PM »
Dear Paige,  I was sad to read your post, I am so sorry you have had to endure such abuse at the hand of your so-called mother.  I call mine my "egg doner".

Maybe you should send her the letter. . . it sure couldn't hurt anything.  I often wonder what my Nmom would do if and when I send her a letter.  She hasn't communicated with me since May when my dad (her evil X) died.    Not even a sympathy card.  

She and my 2 Nsisters won't send the executor (my normal half-sis) any of the photos they have of my dad so we can put a CD together in his memory.   All 3 of them are WITHHOLDING all photos so it won't happen.   They even want his MEMORY gone.    I will never forgive them for this.

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses.   Sending you a prayer and a big {{{{{HUG}}}}}}}   ~DJ

paige

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
to DJ
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2004, 03:19:51 PM »
Thank you for your response!  My NM did the same thing about the pictures to me.  When she gave up my sister (I was 9) she got rid of any and all signs of her.  No pictures at all.  She even cut her out of family photos.  I didn't even remember what she looked like until my grandmother gave me a picture she had "illegally" held on to.  My NM wouldn't let any family member talk about her or keep contact.  She threatened to not let them see the rest of us.  
When my daughter died anytime I would bring her up at all, my NM would ignore me completely, change the subject, or even accuse me of being some sort of obsessed.  Now that my little brother is gone: she has pretty much gotten rid of all of his things, and when my husband requested the home videos so that he could copy for me - she said that it was too much for her to deal with.  She said she was too tired to go through the photos for me.  She kept all my childhood yearbooks that had my sister in, the adoption book that had pictures of the three of us together.  She refuses to give them up.  

As far as sending her the letter: I'm not afraid of anything bad coming of it really,  but I know that absolutely no good would come of it  -- I feel better letting my feelings out, I don't need to send it.  She and everyone in the family already knows all of it.  Some of them agree (or understand at least) with me.  They all tip toe around her and try not to rock the boat. I have gotten away from her FINALLY and I am much happier now.  I will not let her back in No Matter What.

Thank you again for your post!
Paige

DJ

  • Guest
getting it all out - (LONG)
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2004, 04:19:22 PM »
Well, I guess I won't expect any pictures either.   That's terrible that they would even cut out pictures from photos.   I saw a documentary on Hitler and Stalin (narcissists) the other day.  Stalin would commit the second death by removing all photos of the people he killed, so there would be no record of them or any MEMORY.    Sick people!

I agree with what you said about
Quote

As far as sending her the letter: I'm not afraid of anything bad coming of it really, but I know that absolutely no good would come of it --


sad but true.  At least you are on your pathway of freedom and healing.  :P

bunny

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 713
getting it all out - (LONG)
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2004, 06:21:08 PM »
paige,

My heart goes out to you with all your tremendous losses, and this N-mother from hell. She's very fortunate that you had any contact with her.

take care,
bunny