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End of the Road Farm

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lighter:
Amber:

I try to remember there are lovely people in this world.  Allowing the sociopaths, and opportunistic predators to cut us off from contact, or potential contact, with good people isn't tenable either.   As with all difficult truths, this one goes in and out of focus too.

I see your recent experience this way.....

you did your homework, saw crazy coming, and crossed the street.

That's a big part of healthy boundaries, IME.  Not allowing them to get away with the first nutsy rocksy koo crazy thing.  I'd for certain report the guy as a fraud, and perhaps worse.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Not going to let it stop me. I signed for a session of e-harmony too. :P take that bad-guys.

As for reporting him, that isn't going to happen unless he persists in trying to contact me. Who knows why people feel so badly about themselves that they have to pretend to be someone else? He might NOT have been targeting me. So he gets this one chance.

But I really don't have a lot of time - and I'm not getting a LOT to go on from the brief "profiles" of these people. I need to just talk and get to know them. But that doesn't seem to be an experience that any of the sites encourage.

It is possible online! Look at us! And I've been able to create my small, close groups of friends in lots of other forums, too. Even the big rowdy ones. Back when all this technology was just starting to get used in education, I preferred discussion forums to chat. Of course, chat was pretty glitchy back then. There is one chat I visit from time to time; I used to be more regular right after Mike got sick and after he died. About 5-6 "regulars" would get together and just talk. It HELPED so much in the evenings, when couples normally end their day talking together.

Maybe the difference is the "group" experience versus taking that first step at a "private" conversation. It's a much lower bar to just talk and be yourself in a group situation, and you get a sense of who people are and how you interact... without that pressure of one on one.

sKePTiKal:
Back to work - slowly, clumsily, but getting there.

I got a metal cabinet yesterday, which fits in an alcove next to my woodstove, on the tile I laid. This is one domino - next, is to unload the boxes of first aid stuff I keep on hand, in there. THEN, I can have someone give me an estimate on replacing the flooring.

College Hunks coming to take away the old hot tub tomorrow. YAY. I think I'm building a summer kitchen in that location. Still working on that idea.

The replacement piece for the entertainment center that got damaged will be here next week. Then I can work on spreading my ticky-tacky decorative clutter around so no one place looks "over full".

As soon as I find one of my two staplers and staples, I can start work on the insulation any time now.

I have 4 shelves to build in the garden barn, then I can start transferring the big equipment and the smaller stuff that will live on those shelves (for now). Still need workbenches out there and when the electrician comes to hang my chandeliers (maybe next week?? he hasn't called back yet) I'll have him explain what all I need to have ready for him to connect the building to power, for lights and outlets.

THEN, I can finally have the room in the other garage to start sorting out the last stack of Mikey gear, that will (I hope) get sold at auction.

That's the extent of my to-do list for now. Still have stuff to do organizing the studio too. And stuff to purge... and the bunkroom to "edit".

After checking the long-range weather report, I'll get in touch with Ronnie's brother about plowing/terracing my garden area and working on the road.

I need better wood storage, too.

Today, for some odd reason I was hungry this morning. Then I drug my feet a little more and now it's lunch time... LOL.

And that's ALL I'm going to do. This was all stuff that needed doing last year and I didn't move fast enough. There are new "chores" on the list starting this summer... to get ready for next winter.

sKePTiKal:
The part of online dating that requires keeping myself safe... I've got covered. I'm confident I can navigate that aspect of the situation JUST FINE. What scared the crap outta me, and made me angry at myself, was the automatic emotional reflex to hope, be pleased that someone would pay attention to me, and made the effort - EVEN (now that I think of it) - even if it was all made up. It was the space of an inhale... before I was totally tizzified and allowed myself to feel that rush of excitement. And HOPE.

I know that makes me human. And therefore is a good thing. But I also judge it to be very dangerous, opening up vulnerability to being completely manipulated and taken advantage of. If it held off until I was more sure of being able trust someone else... it wouldn't seem as dangerous.

Like so many other things about myself, that I judge myself severely on... I can't exactly pinpoint any actual times that I let my heart rule my head to that extent. It's never happened (and I don't count my high school crush that walked away from me so abruptly and cruelly; he is a master manipulator as an adult). So, after a couple days of just facing this experience and accepting it what I think is...

I'm judging myself so criticly because of the experience of my parent's not protecting me. I trusted them, and got attacked anyway. INDIRECTLY, they set up the environment and moving pieces that made the attack possible. They can in no way be held responsible DIRECTLY for that attack. Even more so, can I not blame 12 yr old Twiggy... ie, my SELF... and that residual fear about trust, emotion, enmeshment, and getting blindsided... is all rational to me, in the emotional "language" of feelings.

So, I don't really need to be afraid of that emotional reflex. It can "be"... and still be tempered by sensible precaution and self-protection and boundaries. I do think I'll change my profiles though. I want to dissuade anyone who is flat out stating up front that they're looking for marriage only. There are a whole lot more relationship steps for me between total stranger and that level of commitment. And YES, I've raised the bar on who can qualify for marriage pretty damn high.

That's based on experience, for sure. And thinking ahead. Most of the guys online put marriage as "what they're looking for" out there, because they think that's what women are looking for. Time to cut the crap and lay out some ground rules, on my part.

LOL, I got a message from a 35 yr old guy. No demands or requests, just wants someone female to talk to. LOL... another one struggling with the software. Eyes open, I sent him back a commisserating message about the software and told him my kids are older than he is, so maybe I'm not what he's looking for. That website has exceedingly complex age filters and a lot of the guys' ages are shown as being in their 30s - but with salt & pepper hair, or all white. And in addition - the software considers me a "match" to someone who's 25. (I've gone back to the 3 different places where you specify age range and reset it AGAIN. If it doesn't stick this time... I'm out of there.)

lighter:
That's a lot of information, Amber.  You're so busy!

I do want to comment on the part about your hoping so quickly......

 YOU CAN HOPE!

You can feel giddy, and tingly, and interested in men, and that's something to be celebrated that you're ready.

That your parents failed to protect you and your brother..... is a terrible thing you'll be wrestling your entire life  likely.  I want to say I'm profoundly sorry they weren't able to do better, bc you were worthy, and deserved better.  So sorry.  You seem to be able to protect yourself just fine now.  You're a full grown Amazon, and you're mindfully finding your way through all aspects of your journey.

I believe in you, and I'm glad you've set the bar high for any new men in your life. 

Ligthter

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