End of the Road Farm

[Hopalong]

Double awed.

And you've given me a new series to binge watch!

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Monday:

Weather throwing kinks in plans/schedules again. Holly still hasn't heard anything definite about future work in B'more... and I didn't ask about about the relationship situation. Better they have complete and total privacy right now. This might be Matt's last chance to hear what she's been saying for years, and if he DOES, she's conflicted enough about stay/go that she could decide to stay. Which is why this has taken so long already. I trust her ability to BS-detect; and she does know him way better than I.

Electrician, chimney sweep, and backhoe guy... all on hold waiting for the rain to stop. Miss Utility did get the power lines to the panel marked, finally. I need to get some paint & mark some trees at the end of the drive - if I don't already have some. That will mark the path I'm wanting for the new driveway intersection with the county road - and give me a double entrance/exit.

I'm coming back into my normal head space now. Rested a lot this weekend; talked to my doc friend - who I think either is so used to reading into what people write that he's imagining things contrary to what I've shared... or he's simply on a another planet. Maybe it's just male/female cognitive differences. I'll back off him for awhile and see if he regains an equilibrium, where he takes what I write to have the meaning that sits there, right on the face of it.

OH HOPS... I found this and thought it was funny, because I thought we women already knew this about guys. But, it's really not a bad specific reminder that men & women see things a lot differently.

http://americandigest.org/wp/the-guys-rules/

[Hopalong]

Ahhh. But I am a humorless prude, feminazi, and bonus: over-sensitive.

So have to admit my take was the same as this commenter's:

pbird June 10, 2018, 8:42 AM
I saw that list somewhere else in another decade. Its been around. Its a little funny.
Most of those “rules” have at their base a great deal of unkindness.

But keep working on me, Amber!

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Gosh. These were really quite tame compared to a lot of the women-bashing I see from time to time. And poking fun at guys - just as much, for their tone-deafness to women.

[Hopalong]

I know...just, for real, I yam that way.

No harm no foul!

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Is OK, Hops. I do get that we all have those thresholds at different places. But it does help to laugh at it all - the stereotypes he pokes fun at (male & female) and how they still persist in all our psyches... despite how hard we CAN work to not fall into that trap. We can laugh WITH each other over what I call "dumb things humans do". We all have "something" about ourselves like this, and while they're different things, I think being able to laugh at ourselves is a form of love & acceptance*.

Michael ALWAYS had more shoes than I did and couldn't resist the gaudiest, tackiest things. I was definitely a mudhen, to his peacock. And except for space issues, it really didn't bother me.

*I mean something entirely different from the "mean" sort of humor that I see a lot of these days - laughing AT someone, and putting them down or having a laugh at someone's expense. I don't find any of that funny at all. It can be a fine line, granted; and perhaps our personal thresholds have a lot to do with how we perceive it.

Laughing is really good for the soul. I think it helps chi flow, too.

[sKePTiKal]

First real sign that Holly is moving forward now:

The show they thought might be coming - isn't. So everything on the stages/in the warehouse has to be removed and/or disassembled. That's another 2 weeks of work for her. And the production has to sell off the furnishings they used on set. She got a bed for $30 (sans mattress; but easy to procure later)... a couple of chairs, 2 glass front bookcases and 2 floor lamps for $140 total. So she is already beginning to think about the "next place" she can turn into a "Holly-nest".

I don't know WHERE she could've gotten her talent (and luck) for this kind of thing.... :takes tongue out of cheek and stops rolling eyes: 

She never really had a chance to put her "touch" on Matt's place; never really "moved in together" in 9 years. So this is her doing what comes natural -- and feeds back into her self; she's gonna be just fine.

[sKePTiKal]

Except the proverbial "other shoe" has dropped. Again. 

Please stay tuned for another episode of the disgusting Amy saga. Or maybe not. It's like a lot of movie sequels - it's the same story; only some of the characters and "action shots" have changed. Y'all have heard it all before and truthfully nothing significant has changed. Just the added threats of physical violence this time... even directed at Holly and me, this time. And Sky is almost 18. I'm thinking I won't put y'all through it again.

The threats, I'm not totally convinced this guy is capable of acting on. But he's not rational either... and I've already rallied troops, gotten experienced advice, and for now - am just trying to keep Holly kinda centered. As usual, her innate kindness and sense of how "wrong" things are, are making her examine what if anything can help or fix the situation. But again (just spoke on the phone) she really doesn't need my help - just compassion/commiseration.

And I'm just trying to process out my revulsion at the details/circumstances... and find some glimmer of hope that all three of them: Amy and the boys even HAVE a future.

Apparently Amy has said she's really close to "ghosting" both Holly and me. My comment was: oh, please, make my dreams come true! But I know it's really a lie, because the next time she gets herself in a fix that requires money, I'm getting a phone call. (I have yet to speak directly with her this time.) There is only so much evil, depravity, perversion and irrationality I can stand before I simply shut down and shut it out of my mind. And it doesn't seem to make sense to me anymore... to try to protect and defend people like that without letting them suffer the consequences of their actions. I'm real sorry bad things are happening to them, because of their choices.

But when it's starts to show up on my doorstep, I'm all out of pity and sympathy.

[Twoapenny]

Oh Skep, I'm so sorry.  I always get really behind on your threads because you're so busy, I feel like I've only missed a couple of days but you've crammed so much into them it takes me a while to catch up

I'm sorry that the Amy situation has come to a head again.  It's so hard, isn't it, drawing a line between being supportive and kind of playing a role in abusing yourself, in a way.  Especially with kids involved, albeit kids who are older now.  But I'm sorry things haven't worked out a bit better this time and I hope you're able to find a way through it that doesn't involve you having to put yourself out there to get hurt xx

[lighter]

What a nightmare, Amber.  I'm sorry you and Holly have to keep watching Amy train wreck her life, over and over.  I'm sorry Amy and her sons are IN that train wreck.  It's terrible.  There are no good options.  There never have been.

I hope Holly can pull back, gain some perspective, and remain fairly centered while she's transitioning out of her relationship with M.  I'm sure you remind her she didn't cause Amy's problems, she can't control Amy, and she can't fix her problems.  Only Amy can do that, and A will have to choose that for herself when she's ready.

Caring more than Amy won't help Amy.

Staying centered, so you have more emotional and physical resources if needed, is better than spinning into grief, and despair.  I know you KNOW all this, but sometimes it helps to see and hear these things when grief, despair and resigned acceptance present at the same time. 

 Resigned acceptance is a difficult choice, but it's the only one that doesn't eat us alive, IME.  I hope Holly remains focused on herself. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I am SO sorry, Amber.

And btw, you're not "putting us through" anything we're not entirely willing to read, care about, and respond to. Post all you need to as much as it helps you.

I vaguely understood that A threatened to send a male friend to bully you for some reason? Jeez.
I clearly understood A is threatening No Contact. So...she's very pissed about something.

I don't think giving her money helps if she's still full-blown alcoholic.

I know you worry about her and her children, one of whom is near adulthood.

That's about how much I have full clarity about, but I welcome more.

I'm so sorry, Amber. I know this kind of heartache.

love to you,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter - nail on the head, about caring more about Amy than Amy does isn't going to help her... and doesn't do us any good either.

Hops, you're just a little confused. It's Amy's ex who is threatening us - as a way to threaten Amy and the boys. Of course, there was a bit of panic finding out about directly from HIM -- and not a word from Amy. Conversations between Hol and her, not going well. Amy is threatening to ghost both of us - even though I've deliberately NOT interacted with her.

I've been meaning to ask you for a while now - are you feeling OK? Everything going alright? You sound a bit pre-occupied yourself lately.

[Hopalong]

Jeez, that is weird! An ex-husband trying to hurt his ex-wife by threatening his ex-MIL and ex-SIL? To what end? What a fool. Tool. Fooltool. I hope it's not real danger. Can you enlist a local bear to hang out in the yard? I don't like this!

Amidst all that, you ask about me. Thanks, hon. I'll open a thread to update.

xxoo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

As I thought - that threat basically disappeared and was nothing more than big-ego, big-talk. I've heard nothing else since the initial flurry of crap. "Fooltool" is perfect Hops!

My own mind - and initial experiences with ye olde Bobcat - have created a negative feedback avoidance loop to "getting back on the horse". But I've GOT to get one side of the barn graded before next week. I'll just have to go slow and careful... and if it takes me more tanks of gas, than it would Ronnie... SO BE IT. I already know I don't know exactly what I'm doing and there are going to be "oops"... IT'S OK. I learned to ride a motorcycle; I learned to do LOTS of things.

I keep telling myself "I can't" and "it's not safe unless there's someone here to "rescue" me from my own ignorance". I have ALREADY tipped the thing back to it's built-in stopping point even with someone watching me. I know how to get it back on 4 wheels. I've done it. It's NOT that scary; it's even kinda fun in a way. Like the old jeep I sold because I convinced myself I had no business driving that thing - but I DID drive it on my mountain roads; capably.

WHAT is this mental "tic" that pops up and triggers that irrational fear... the "I can't" reflex??? Where did it first pop up - what happened for me to just automatically assume that any time I don't immediately master something intuitively that I'll never ever be able to do it????? It's just so not true.

And the damn thing hasn't started itself up and done the work to my eye's satisfaction all by itself overnight either. Electrician would REALLY like me to at least grade one side of the barn, so he is trenching for the power line conduit AFTER I've established a new dirt grade level. It really HAS TO happen.

Oh look - it's raining now. OK time for more coffee... maybe it'll clear off later.

[lighter]

Amber:

How does one establish the new grade level?

And, once it's done, how does one go about doing that work, checking levels, and calling it done?

See... there's lots of reasons to NOT get on that BobCat and do the work, IMO.

You can't UNTIL you've done the research, figured out the tools, and procedures, then there's getting up, used to the BobCAT again, and THEN the worry about flipping it over, looking a fool (who THOUGHT she could handle it, but couldn't) maybe hurting yourself, and creating mechanical expenses you won't have IF you stay at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

See..... this is complicated, and you can't say it's about one little fear thought.  It's just not. 

Eventually you'll do the research, feel confident about it, and move on the the next THING you have to do, and you'll do it. 

I've been stuck in that place plenty, and asking for help sometimes does the trick... not to DO it FOR YOU, but to explain it, and make clear steps out of the job that brings confidence, and a sense of order, kwim? 

I had to change the wax rings on a toilet for the first time, and I called my BIL to walk me through it.... this is BYT (before YouTube.)  I can do it myself now, but it seemed like a bigger job while looking at the nuts, and contemplating germs, and worse.... the thing STILL leaking after I got toilet all over me. Just thinking about it gives me the vapors.
::back of hand to forehead::.

The idea of grading something correctly seems HUGE to me, math and all that, but I'm sure some YouTube vids, advice and the proper tools will take all the mystery (and fear of doing it wrong) out of the equation, IME. 

If you can, stop thinking about running the Bobcat, and write out all the steps, tools, and time lines for the job.  The Bobcat is a tool, not the obstacle to overcome. 

Bobcat GOOD.

Job surmountable.

You're capable, and you will get this behind you, Amber.

Maybe run the Bobcat around for a while on flat ground for a bit, so the controls are drilled into your muscle memory a bit.... that should instill more confidence.  It seems like logical that pushing something around, till you're bored, will make the grading seem like duck soup?

Lighter