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End of the Road Farm

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Hopalong:
I am SO sorry, Amber.

And btw, you're not "putting us through" anything we're not entirely willing to read, care about, and respond to. Post all you need to as much as it helps you.

I vaguely understood that A threatened to send a male friend to bully you for some reason? Jeez.
I clearly understood A is threatening No Contact. So...she's very pissed about something.

I don't think giving her money helps if she's still full-blown alcoholic.

I know you worry about her and her children, one of whom is near adulthood.

That's about how much I have full clarity about, but I welcome more.

I'm so sorry, Amber. I know this kind of heartache.

love to you,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Lighter - nail on the head, about caring more about Amy than Amy does isn't going to help her... and doesn't do us any good either.

Hops, you're just a little confused. It's Amy's ex who is threatening us - as a way to threaten Amy and the boys. Of course, there was a bit of panic finding out about directly from HIM -- and not a word from Amy. Conversations between Hol and her, not going well. Amy is threatening to ghost both of us - even though I've deliberately NOT interacted with her.

I've been meaning to ask you for a while now - are you feeling OK? Everything going alright? You sound a bit pre-occupied yourself lately.

Hopalong:
Jeez, that is weird! An ex-husband trying to hurt his ex-wife by threatening his ex-MIL and ex-SIL? To what end? What a fool. Tool. Fooltool. I hope it's not real danger. Can you enlist a local bear to hang out in the yard? I don't like this!

Amidst all that, you ask about me. Thanks, hon. I'll open a thread to update.

xxoo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
As I thought - that threat basically disappeared and was nothing more than big-ego, big-talk. I've heard nothing else since the initial flurry of crap. "Fooltool" is perfect Hops!

My own mind - and initial experiences with ye olde Bobcat - have created a negative feedback avoidance loop to "getting back on the horse". But I've GOT to get one side of the barn graded before next week. I'll just have to go slow and careful... and if it takes me more tanks of gas, than it would Ronnie... SO BE IT. I already know I don't know exactly what I'm doing and there are going to be "oops"... IT'S OK. I learned to ride a motorcycle; I learned to do LOTS of things.

I keep telling myself "I can't" and "it's not safe unless there's someone here to "rescue" me from my own ignorance". I have ALREADY tipped the thing back to it's built-in stopping point even with someone watching me. I know how to get it back on 4 wheels. I've done it. It's NOT that scary; it's even kinda fun in a way. Like the old jeep I sold because I convinced myself I had no business driving that thing - but I DID drive it on my mountain roads; capably.

WHAT is this mental "tic" that pops up and triggers that irrational fear... the "I can't" reflex??? Where did it first pop up - what happened for me to just automatically assume that any time I don't immediately master something intuitively that I'll never ever be able to do it????? It's just so not true.

And the damn thing hasn't started itself up and done the work to my eye's satisfaction all by itself overnight either. Electrician would REALLY like me to at least grade one side of the barn, so he is trenching for the power line conduit AFTER I've established a new dirt grade level. It really HAS TO happen.

Oh look - it's raining now. OK time for more coffee... maybe it'll clear off later.

lighter:
Amber:

How does one establish the new grade level?

And, once it's done, how does one go about doing that work, checking levels, and calling it done?

See... there's lots of reasons to NOT get on that BobCat and do the work, IMO.

You can't UNTIL you've done the research, figured out the tools, and procedures, then there's getting up, used to the BobCAT again, and THEN the worry about flipping it over, looking a fool (who THOUGHT she could handle it, but couldn't) maybe hurting yourself, and creating mechanical expenses you won't have IF you stay at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

See..... this is complicated, and you can't say it's about one little fear thought.  It's just not. 

Eventually you'll do the research, feel confident about it, and move on the the next THING you have to do, and you'll do it. 

I've been stuck in that place plenty, and asking for help sometimes does the trick... not to DO it FOR YOU, but to explain it, and make clear steps out of the job that brings confidence, and a sense of order, kwim? 

I had to change the wax rings on a toilet for the first time, and I called my BIL to walk me through it.... this is BYT (before YouTube.)  I can do it myself now, but it seemed like a bigger job while looking at the nuts, and contemplating germs, and worse.... the thing STILL leaking after I got toilet all over me. Just thinking about it gives me the vapors.
::back of hand to forehead::.

The idea of grading something correctly seems HUGE to me, math and all that, but I'm sure some YouTube vids, advice and the proper tools will take all the mystery (and fear of doing it wrong) out of the equation, IME. 

If you can, stop thinking about running the Bobcat, and write out all the steps, tools, and time lines for the job.  The Bobcat is a tool, not the obstacle to overcome. 

Bobcat GOOD.

Job surmountable.

You're capable, and you will get this behind you, Amber.

Maybe run the Bobcat around for a while on flat ground for a bit, so the controls are drilled into your muscle memory a bit.... that should instill more confidence.  It seems like logical that pushing something around, till you're bored, will make the grading seem like duck soup?

Lighter

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