Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
End of the Road Farm
sKePTiKal:
Fearless isn't quite true, Lighter - LOL. But I am finding myself in situations where I either TRUST MYSELF to figure things out and learn to do them, or I give up and delegate it to someone who's more familiar, stronger, does it all the time. If I DO trust myself - then I break things down step by step so I don't overwhelm my silly brain and send into a tizzy.
I'm hoping one of these days (soon) I can get my basic "chores" down to something that's a lot more easily managable. And these projects are part of that strategy. Ain't getting any younger you know.
I'm also finding that emotionally - I'm still needing quite a lot of down time. As in read a story all day long or just try to remember all the things on my "procurement" list and maintenance lists. That cocoon of comfort and no stress is still really important. I think I'm having to just "stand still" and feel secure, safe, and nothing "pressing" that can't wait a day or two. Bed early; sleep long; enjoy the peace & quiet... without letting it slide into restlessness or boredom or lonliness. Me dealing with me and trying to learn those limitations Hops was talking about.
Trying to get to know MY needs, the signals for when I need to give them attention, and trying to make ME as important to me, as all the things I do. This is still the main work in progress around here. Also sorting out the routine; evaluating it's effectiveness - wondering which change might catalyze some energy towards the whole list of "goals"... that are/have been put aside for other things. Trying to reinterpret my inner world and ability to read those "signals". There has never been time to do that; just to see it was something I needed to do.
ETA: I think I'm trying to figure out how to improve my relationship with my self. Many times I'm at odds with myself, negotiating, bribing, flogging my self... pulled in two directions... because I'm not used to treating that self, as if what she wants/needs MATTERS.
And I think that's a wrong way to be, for me & self, now.
lighter:
Riding the motor cycle.....
fearless.
I couldn't do it.
I wouldn't.
You did.
Fearless.
::nodding::.
That motor cycle riding Amazon is the one who climbs into the Bobcat, and she's wiser, and mindful these days. Deciding what to pick up, and what to put down takes guts too. Esp if you set your mind on something, and then have to re think it. That's how I see it.
About what you wrote, Amber:
ETA: "I think I'm trying to figure out how to improve my relationship with my self. Many times I'm at odds with myself, negotiating, bribing, flogging my self... pulled in two directions... because I'm not used to treating that self, as if what she wants/needs MATTERS."
"And I think that's a wrong way to be, for me & self, now."
IME that kind of judgement can be counterproductive. I don't say change anything... just add some curiosity, suspend a bit of judgement, and release a skosh of expectation while you're pondering maybe.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Maybe there's some judging in that Lighter - because I stand there paralyzed in trying to decide which makes the most sense, is more important, or more efficient use of time. And end up doing nothing because it took too long to gather the momentum to get started. That annoys me, for sure. But mostly I'm just noticing it. It's partly because of unfinished projects that I want to move along... and regular chores... and having the weather impact my choices, many times. Too many times.
So I "give up"; say screw it... and don't do anything.
I think I documented the source of this... the futility of trying when you're just going to be criticized anyway no matter what you do or how you do it... years & years ago. Knowing the source doesn't help me know the way out of the paralysis. What I end up doing - is satisfying one of my "want to" tasks instead. In this case, weeding the big front bed. Waiting for the ground to dry up enough to get back on the bobcat; and mow again.
Once that looks decent...I usually work up the motivation to mow. If it doesn't rain again... or isn't 90 and excessively humid.
sKePTiKal:
So I'm almost done with that bed, and it now looks semi-civilized; not a pasture of weeds anymore. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be cooler and less humid -- and the end of the week/weekend are going to be beach weather; and probably social things too. Grandson turns 10 over the weekend.
I'm deliberately forcing myself to try some different routines. Working early in the day vs the heat of the afternoon. Playing online in the evening and NOT CARING about what's going on in the world unless it's going to directly impact me and letting those dramas (like tv shows I've never seen) play out without me knowing about them. And substituting reading for playing online, too.
Holly's feeling the full impact of being untethered coming at her. No house, no relationship, no job. I asked if she felt like she was falling... and yep; that struck a chord. Now I have to suggest that instead of flailing, she flap her arms and fly. She's been turning over some interesting new stuff that she's trying to pursue... including cute houses in safer neighborhoods in the city.
She and Matt are actually getting along a lot better since she's agreed to move out. LOL. I think in the process, she's reclaimed her independence of his way of thinking/doing/being etc... and that's helped generate that line of respect for each other that seemed to have disappeared. I would not be at all surprised that after a time away from each other, they might try it again. But mom has butted out, and will remain that way. She's always been an independent cuss - but also quick to make attachments with other people. She just needs to sort that kind of thing out for herself and learn to understand exactly what I will eventually be passing on to her... and the other kids.
She's also of an age, where she's not willing to trade off the life she's created and the people in it, willy-nilly, for something silly. I keep calling her a kid, but at 40 she's a lot more mature than some people I know at my age. I think she'll be glad to see 41 come along... this has been a rough year.
lighter:
Go Holly..... what comes next will teach lessons, no doubt. About Matt... he'll be nice enough, long enough, that they may try again. My experience with that is.... everything is fine, great even, till a sensitive topic (read that as anything real) comes up, then whatever tape plays in Matt's head likely pops up, sometimes with a vengeance, and things go back to exactly where they were. Hopeful, and sad, but oh so familiar. I remember irrational accusations that had nothing to do with me... mostly accusations of being critical. The reality was ex criticized ME relentlessly, mindlessly, without understanding he couldn't even SEE me. Whatever it was, it was his, and I didn't feel the need to figure it out.
On the other hand, IF Matt goes to T, and IF he addresses his part, he has a chance of building a super strong bond with Holly going forward, whatever they do with it. I'm always amazed at the strength of relationships that weathered huge hard storms, vs relationships that haven't.
About the farm jobs. I hate thinking of you feeling frustrated, and paralyzed. I ask myself this when I'm on the lip of feeling those things... WILL this matter in 100 years? The answer is almost always NO, and that helps me find perspective.
Lately I'm playing with FEELING paralyzed, or not. Not is better. Not opens up creativity in ideas, and approaches. NOT, most importantly, is a much improved quality of life. My moments can be light, and productive... even if I'm contemplating the HOW or WHAT of a job.... I consider that time productive time, and so it is. It's not being paralyzed, bc I don't look at it that way, and should it venture into paralysis..... I then choose between seeing it as negative, or positive...
I'm paralyzed THIS IS BAD!
vs
I'm taking some down time. I must need it. Things will be clearer bc I'm taking it. All will be well.
And in 100 years...
will it matter?
Nope.
But in these present moments, it's all the difference in the world.
Lighter
ps I'm living with the same wet crap weather you are, and it's been a job not to come out of my skin waiting for the sun to parch these damn weeds. When that happens, I know where to start, though I've never done it before. I'll figure it out, then go to the next phase, whatever that is. Do I have to make my leaf islands bigger? Landscape with more rocks? Call in a professional to help me with that lay out? I have no idea, but I'm trying to trust, and believe, rather than look at it negatively. And watching these weeds take over perfectly plush moss garden is....
not easy. I also struggle with the next phase of the Ocean Cottage, and how to proceed there. Waves of anxiety come and go, bc I assure myself I'll figure it out, and I'm certain I will.
Part of this is just not caring what others think about my choices, and actions. Honestly, there's magic in finding that place, and it does come and go.
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