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End of the Road Farm

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sKePTiKal:
Ahhhh.... she's off for the weekend; back to city for taking care of some business. Matt said she could stay there. Possibility he'll drive 2nd car back here Sat. We'll see. Everything is spontaneously dependent on whether Matt feels it's necessary to vent anger at her.

In 2 weeks or so, she's gotten a LOT out of her system and re-connected with her; but her is different now than 10 years ago "before Matt". I know she's less vulnerable now than she was, despite the anxiety she's got about this visit. And yes; one had to walk on eggshells around her that first week. Lord, was she sensitive and taking things personally/the wrong way/and just reacting as if I making a matt-criticism... when I was simply trying to talk about things. I think we have that pretty well in hand, at this point. She made me the target for all her anger one night and hit the cold-anger mom in the morning about how unfair she was being. I surprised myself with how rationally and calmly I could express that. A couple hours cooling down time, and we were working together on another project.

 :shock:

I got a lovely massage yesterday. With a mini-hot stone on top even. The hot stone massage triggers a massive detox effect on me, physically. I knew I needed it and yes it thoroughly helped. Hol drove around town to drop in for a quick chat with a couple friends; we had lunch; shopped... and I crashed out early. She stayed up and watched stuff on tv till 3 am. and slept in. So I had a morning to myself, too.

I'm going to have to watch my mom-reflexes. Those ping sensitive spots. Mostly I need to phrase things differently about my concerns... because I never REALLY forget she's old enough to make her own decisions, understands prudent caution and planning, and is 40 years old. But the old habits are incredibly easy to fall back into... and my brain is way more open to the past and those hieroglyphs engraved on the brain from previous experiences and escapades. I'm still learning who the 40 yr old daughter is.

This is going to work and be OK. But it does require self-awareness and maintaining boundaries as well as "making space" for the amazonian howling & throwing rocks at the moon she engages in. The only to get past that phase is to do it until you don't need to. I'd prefer she mostly got through it before starting this 20 day cross-country & back drive she's planning on doing. It's been 10 years since the last time she's done this, and she may not get a chance again. This will make the 3rd or 4th time she's done it. (She seems way more part of the Kerouac generation than GenX.) And of course, the mom-reflex to worst-case scenario the plan is forefront in my brain. But I think I found one way to keep that under control.

If this weren't challenging, it wouldn't be Holly. LOL. Once she got off her ball & chain, I knew to expect this. But lordy, I think she's gotten fiercer. That just means "marshmallow Holly" is processing the deeper wisdoms of the recent experiences.

sKePTiKal:
Amazons, wield your 2x4s on my feeble brain.

I THOUGHT I'd learned the lessons of:

Do not volunteer your time to help someone else - BEFORE you look at your calendar, and take care of commitments you've already made.

Do NOT assume responsibility for other people's feelings, when it's their own stuff to sort out.

Engage BRAIN before opening MOUTH.


It would appear that I'm a tad more stressed out than I realized (accounts for forgetting massively busy week next week that I have only the weekend to prepare for). I can not take care of anyone else, until I take care of me. It's just a simple fact - no one else is going take care of me and my crap to-do; and it's way better for people to take care of their own emotional stuff for my being able to maintain perspective and be useful.

lighter:
Amber:

Remember to cut yourself slack if old habits creep in.  They likely will.  Maybe you and Holly can recognize and laugh about it together, at some point. 

Some of my favorite moments with my mom we're times she'd see something about herself, point it out, then we'd laugh together...partly bc she'd gotten angry the first times I brought it up. Her awareness was new, and laughter was celebration of her awareness.  She could see how obvious the thing was, how irrational her anger at my bringing it up, and how lovely it he connection between us was.

I hope you can talk to Holly about your journey in this too.  My oldest daughter needs me to connect and talk more about my tough stuff.  It's new, and hard, and I remind myself now to be kind when I fall short, and share more of myself in those moments when appropriate.

Lighter

Hopalong:
Maybe use some of those 2 x 4s to build some new love boundaries?
The most loving thing we can do sometimes is to stop noticing, stop tracking, stop intuiting, and instead wait for the other's green light to share their own discoveries with us....

You are working so very hard to understand H, it's almost as though she is Twiggy.

But she's an entirely separate human being. Whom you love more than anyone, but she's not in the kind of danger that Twiggy was.

She will be able to cross the distance between you if you let her. She is possibly going to be feeling some unhappiness. But that is her path and this is just one turn in it. She is not in psychic danger.

She is a chip off the magnificent old block and has the capacity to mature at her own rate and become her own, different magnificence. You have clearly raised an amazing adult daughter, Amber.

Maybe time to just bask in how amazing that is, enjoy the small good moments, and not analyse her quite so much? You can be open-hearted and still keep your serenity, I know you can.

Her dramas need to be her dramas, and her peace her peace. You can share in whatever she offers for sharing, but she probably needs your nonverbal comfort as much as your mind, imo.

That was a LOT of opinion and 90% uninformed, so please forgive if these hunches are off base. They could well be...and as is clear, I am no expert on how to help a volatile adult daughter. I just remember the slow realization that apart from her own separate issues, during her childhood she and I were enmeshed. Toxic to us both in the long run.

love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Yes Lighter, cutting myself slack. I realize that the past 2 weeks of making a safe space for Holly also created stress that snuck up on me before I noticed. But that wasn't what pushed me into a total anxiety/panic attack.

My online friend the doc, got himself into a situation that took him states away from his farm. Lots of work too... trying to get a property cleaned up to sell, for hopefully some profit. This is the guy who lives - and has had a lifelong relationship with a woman at the farm. I've talked about him before. He was the only doc to prepare me for the reality of Mike's death during that up/down rollercoaster ride of treatment (hope) and the reality that Mike wasn't able to talk to me about, but obviously knew.

Doc has been working on clearing out a lifetime's worth of "stuff" in this other state, when he gets a phone call from his wife (they're not divorced; long story) who still lives on the suburban farm near me. She fell and broke her hip. When he shows up, he immediately realizes she's a had a stroke but what was a surprise, was that she'd coped and hid this info from him for 5 years. She will need assisted care when released from rehab and won't be able to take care of the farm or their adult blind, handicapped daughter anymore.

So now he is readying a 2nd property for sale - 3 states away from the first one - which is half the country away from current farm... and trying to care for his daughter and manage all that needs to be done. He NEEDS a second set of hands and someone who can just "do".

It's literally a 2 hr or so drive from me. Big modern house, and the daughter can handle basic personal things herself. Another daughter, older and married, is stepping up to help and will take in and care for her sister. Eventually. Lives in an apt and needs to buy a house first. So he thought to ask how far away I was, and would I come rescue him?

WITHOUT taking 30 seconds to THINK, I recognized the piling on state he was in and knew I could help because supposedly Holly had her stuff completely under control. But I couldn't go away without touching base with her and letting her know what's up. She was still sniffling after crying 3 hours because even though Matt said it was OK for her to stay - he let himself use the opportunity to verbally beat her up over something that is all the past now.

And the first thing she asks is: this the guy you've only known online right? never met? (LOL, one of us was thinking despite everything else)

That made me realize I probably couldn't leave her to come home to an empty house. But I'd already volunteered myself.... and ended up in a total whirlwind of anxiety loops. After 4 hr of almost sleep, talked to Hol again... told her I wasn't going anywhere... and let the doc know I hadn't remembered how much work I have scheduled here for next week - which needs me to get some other things done this weekend.

It was that super-fast reflex to help someone who's helped ME -- without looking at what it would cost me -- that I need to examine. Obviously, Hol and I are moving pretty well - and appropriately most of the time -- through the new living together phase.

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