Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
End of the Road Farm
Hopalong:
OH my gosh.
You really do have a caring connection with this man...and bless him for giving you reality as Mike was in his last chapter. That's a huge gift, imo. No wonder. And he's been there for you.
Forgive me but I am actually a little bit excited that he'll now be close enough to, errrrrrr, actually MEET?
I can't imagine how that feels.
But you already have Real Friendship. If that's where it stops, it's still a beautiful place.
You can leave Hols. You can go right on ahead with your separate thing. If you don't WANT to, that's cool...but you totally can take off and go explore helping him. If you WANT to. She'll cope.
Big hugs,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Skep, I know my son isn't an adult yet, but I do think we underestimate what our grown up kids can do/cope with, because they don't have the same damage that we do/did. They've not grown up in the same toxic, caustic, abusive environments and they don't have parents who don't care/can't care/won't listen/can't hear anything. We went out with a friend in the week, myself and my son, my friend, three of her four kids (two teenagers, one mid twenties) and her little grandson and we were all sat chatting. The kids are confident, friendly, they chat about school, college, work, nights out, there's no sense of them and us (kids and adults). Everyone was just sitting enjoying the sun and talking. The two younger ones wanted to go home early so they went off and caught the bus, the rest of us went for a walk and caught the later bus back. When I was a teenager I felt crippled when talking to adults, or other teenagers. My mum would poke, prod, ridicule and just generally make life uncomfortable. So I marvelled at the way these kids can sit and chat quite freely - my own son included - because they haven't had the same upbringing that I/we had. I only give it as an example because I think our kids have a stronger foundation for the most part, and so can manage to sort themselves out (I know your other D isn't quite along those lines but H seems to be). I think it's not just okay, but absolutely necessary, for you to keep your work schedule and me time in place - and if that means you can or can't help your doctor friend out then it's okay, either way. It will all be okay xx
lighter:
Amber:
I think you could lend a hand to this friend, but perhaps not commit to extended time frame?
Holly needs her space. She needs to heal, and solve things her way.
You need to let her. If she needs your physical presence, would she tell you? She might be fine with your being gone for a short while, or linger. She might heal faster on her in.
Just saying.... it's not crazy to reach out to this friend in his time if need, imo. If only to help him get a handle on his situation.
I think you'd be a big help.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Holly and I mind the boundaries pretty well. Even with the times we have bumped up against them. She comes and goes as she desires, I do my own things. No question she'll deal with this on her own - all I'm for is food - as she's hungry, hugs, and an understanding ear. We are good friends apart from the familial relationship. A safe place to do what she needs to - and she's no stranger to these parts. Lots of friends.
The doc is the problem. He's already dealing with 2 women - NOT a romantic possibility for me. I get that he's overwhelmed; I know exactly what that's like. I do feel for his situation - but I didn't do that to him. What I DON'T WANT is to insert myself into what looks like a bunch of messy "other people's problems". That's a major no-no for me; it always ends up badly for me. I do like him, and he has been helpful to me.
He is at times too "fatherly" in his protectiveness of me, and I redraw that boundary. I'm no less competent or experienced than Holly is. He immediately saw Ronnie as a "problem", for instance and worst-case scenario'd our informal working relationship. He was relieved to hear about the bike accident, for instance.
Makes me think some distance is warranted. And I need to watch out for my "volunteer" reflex. It's that "need to be needed", I think. It's abundantly CLEAR that Holly doesn't need me, to move on and leave the relationship in the past. But I can validate the things I'm seeing/hearing that are good as she does it, and wear off some of the edges of 9 years of INvalidation, too. It's most interesting, that it was Hol that pulled me back from getting in over my head.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on August 04, 2018, 03:48:40 PM ---Holly and I mind the boundaries pretty well. Even with the times we have bumped up against them. She comes and goes as she desires, I do my own things. No question she'll deal with this on her own - all I'm for is food - as she's hungry, hugs, and an understanding ear. We are good friends apart from the familial relationship. A safe place to do what she needs to - and she's no stranger to these parts. Lots of friends.
The doc is the problem. He's already dealing with 2 women - NOT a romantic possibility for me. I get that he's overwhelmed; I know exactly what that's like. I do feel for his situation - but I didn't do that to him. What I DON'T WANT is to insert myself into what looks like a bunch of messy "other people's problems". That's a major no-no for me; it always ends up badly for me. I do like him, and he has been helpful to me.
He is at times too "fatherly" in his protectiveness of me, and I redraw that boundary. I'm no less competent or experienced than Holly is. He immediately saw Ronnie as a "problem", for instance and worst-case scenario'd our informal working relationship. He was relieved to hear about the bike accident, for instance.
Makes me think some distance is warranted. And I need to watch out for my "volunteer" reflex. It's that "need to be needed", I think. It's abundantly CLEAR that Holly doesn't need me, to move on and leave the relationship in the past. But I can validate the things I'm seeing/hearing that are good as she does it, and wear off some of the edges of 9 years of INvalidation, too. It's most interesting, that it was Hol that pulled me back from getting in over my head.
--- End quote ---
I think that people like you do tend to volunteer to help, Skep, you're so resourceful and practical that you can handle pretty much any situation and you would breeze in there and get a whole load of stuff sorted out. But that's also why it's important to say no if necessary, or offer support in a more manageable way, like talking on the phone or by email rather than physically being there. Just don't feel bad about doing whatever is needed or necessary for you. I think it's good that you've recognised that 'other people's problems' are just that - other people's :) xx
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